Saturday, February 25, 2017

DotTeeVee: How to Spot a Communist

Spotting a Nazi is easy (it's anyone who disagrees with me). The same can not be said, however, for their ideological brothers from another mother. As usual, an armed forces film from 1950 has all the answers. And we'll get them fast, too, because this incredible tour de force clocks in at about sixty seconds worth of "turn in your neighbors" and "nerve gas the beatniks" Conformity Era greatness. Yes, we're heading, via the miracle of the Information Superhighway, back to a time when a "safe space" meant a poorly constructed fallout shelter that might buy you a few extra days of slow agonizing death after the Reds dropped the A-Bomb.

We get some of that filmstrip logo and music while a modern (?) voice-over informs us that "propaganda is vastly more important in democratic societies." Sorry, dudemar, that's just flat-out wrong, as anyone with even the most passing acquaintance with totalitarianism would inform you. On the other hand, I'm sure you meant well (not actually sure) with your "Democracy is the real tyranny" puerile drivel and this voice won't be coming back, so I guess we shouldn't dwell on it.

 From the good people that brought you "How to Set Up a Kill Zone."

The real narrator, with his confident post-war speech patterns, certainly provides a stark contrast to the poopy-talk "everything and everyone is corrupt" intellectually impotent babbling that opened this. We see a possible red, what with his smoking and untouched beer at a bar, but we are advised not to judge based on appearances. 1950 America was extremely open-minded. On the other hand, if they actually tell you "I'm a communist" you should accept that as fairly strong evidence. This is great stuff, I hope you're all writing this down. 1 = 1, everything else will follow from that.

We cut to another bad element reading something called "Daily Worker." The big story involves police battering "phone strikers" to protect our free and open society, but this pinko rag might actually side with the telephone union (is this even a thing?) rabble and as such we can judge the person reading it as a potential bad apple. Or, as the Based Narrator puts it, "He may be a communist!"

And yes, he does deliver that line like Jeff Foxworthy. His whole goofy act, stolen from a mental hygiene film. If you think that declaring there is no starvation actually eliminates may be a communist! If you read 1984 and think "This sounds pretty good, actually," well, you might, just might, etc.

Also "supporting organizations" that have been labeled communist by the Department of Justice probably means you're untrustworthy, as we see a smiling young lady sitting under a "Down With Imperialists" sign. Then we cut to a far less young and attractive woman who is apparently giving an anti-democracy speech, complete with fist-shaking and stomping. Imagine a suffragette version of Hilary Clinton's "Why aren't I fifty points ahead!" disastrous attempt at imitating human beings and their so-called emotions and that's basically what this represents.

Why were the famous actors paid less than half of what the male actors earned last year?

We get a montage of all four of the Eisenhower-era villains while we tie it all together by noting that someone who does all of the Wrong we've seen is almost certainly communist, since the idea of "trolling" didn't really exist back then. Next up is a parade against "KKK Terror" and "War Bases" that we are told might contain other, more silent Reds. Yup, nothing more silent than a giant protest in the middle of your town. With that, we're done. I now feel adequately equipped to find and defeat the enemy within.

Komment Korner

Science should not be involved with politics, nor technology for that matter.

What I got from this: If somebody is a communist, he may be a communist.

I am a communist....."I may be a communist"

"If he's wearing a T-shirt that says 'Mutha' fuckin communism is da bomb' there is a good chance he might be a communist."

Guy shares his skateboard with a friend he must be a communist!!!!


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

News You Can't Use: McDonald's to Cut Prices on Drinks as Industry Slumps

Having the world's most extensive strategic arsenal of high fructose corn syrup beverages is bound to come in useful at some point. Maybe we can water crops with the bubble water, something like that? Or perhaps it could be used to save the slumping fast food industry, which has been hamstrung by the fitness craze sweeping the nation, the new and exotic so-called "grocery store" and our recent decision to raise the minimum wage to a thousand dollars an hour, making everyone super wealthy because that's how economics works. Now the hope rests on watered-down syrup delivery systems aimed at the human resource who is not aware that you can buy the real stuff dirt cheap at that weird, snobbish "grocer" I already mentioned.

McDonald’s Corp., reeling from an industrywide restaurant slump and slowing growth from its all-day breakfast push, is looking to beverages to help perk up the business.

Once I could get breakfast balls at 11:01 a.m.without making a giant scene I pretty much lost all interest in purchasing them. Give me something else to dream on, pink slime industry.

The world’s biggest food-service company, which last year focused its advertising on cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches, plans to offer $1 sodas and $2 McCafe specialty drinks across the U.S.

The critically acclaimed "I'll give you these cheeseburgers/I don't want any cheeseburgers" advertising campaign somehow failed. Perhaps I can offer you something else. Suck a soda through a straw?

It’s turning to higher-margin beverages at a time when cheap grocery prices are prodding more Americans to eat at home.

Seriously bro, I bought a box of Captain Crunch up in that bizz-atch for three Washingtons, took it home and got down. I have defeated the "restaurant" trick bag and am woke as fudge.

Last year, the chain advertised two-for-$2 and two-for-$5 deals to bring back diners they’d lost after nixing its popular Dollar Menu.

Yeah, nice try. My dinner budget is one George plus applicable sales tax and that's not negotiable.

“Demand has been a little weak,” said Jack Russo, analyst at Edward D. Jones & Co. “A lot of these guys think they’ve got to keep promoting to keep people coming in the door.”

Some of these em effers think you have to offer deals or whatever. It's crazy.

The McDonald’s promotion, which starts in April, will include soft drinks of any size for $1.

Yes, even "medium."

The strategy aims to create “noticeable changes” for customers, said Adam Salgado, vice president of U.S. marketing at Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s. 

We've given up on subliminals, at least for now.

“It’s adding another layer of great value for customers with more choices.”

You will note that it's just a minor price adjustment and there are no actual new choices, but by the time you figure it out I'll be on a plane headed for South America.

Snack maker PepsiCo Inc. said on a Feb. 15 conference call that it expects commodity inflation to accelerate this year. Potbelly Corp., a U.S. sandwich chain, also warned about rising costs.

Pathetic Fat and Inactive Piles of Human Waste LLC warned that current indicators suggest a market correction is coming soon.

Starbucks Corp. and Dunkin’ Donuts, meanwhile, both have rewards programs that lock customers in with free and discounted beverages and food.

Buy ten cheeseburgers and the eleventh is 10% less! Here, stick this card in your wallet with all the others!

“We know that there are budget-conscious consumers out there,” he said. “Value will always be a part of our strategy.”

With that in mind, we're cancelling the "McCaviar" sandwich.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Saturday, February 18, 2017

News You Can Use: Now HALF of Families Text Each Other in the Same House

We live in an age of miracles. Everything is bigger, and yet, smaller. Computers, man. High school football is great. Then there's the phones, which are successfully eliminating the misery of brief interpersonal communications with human units that share a lot of your genetic material and inhabit the same residential unit. Yes, a simple text message can prevent the need for yelling "Chow's ready!" up stairs or showing any sort of ordinary human warmth toward the offspring you deeply resent. Cat's in the cradle? Naw, sucker. It's in a little glowing screen.

Some will find it depressing. Others will recognise an all-too familiar snapshot of tech-obsessed modern life.

Some will experience an emotional reaction, others are so dead inside that the best we can expect is some grim nodding.

But nearly half of families with children now text each other when they are in the same house.

At first I thought it was because of massive prosperity and everyone living in palatial estates. Then I glanced at so-called "financial news" and that illusion went into a cocked hat.

Just under a third of us (32 per cent) are guilty of tapping out messages on mobiles when we want to talk to someone under the same roof, according to research.

First it was almost half, now almost point three repeating, the outrage is shrinking rapidly, our big reward for actually reading the body of the article.

In a third of households, people use their mobiles during their mealtimes.

Let me get a picture of this noodle caboodle so all those information gathering site "friends" can enjoy it with me!

In fact, tablets and mobiles are so prevalent at home, they are also depriving us of rest.

There is no rest for Angry Birds, until they finally sleep in hell.

Last night campaigners warned the surge in mobile phone usage could be ‘catastrophic’ for family life. Dr Richard House, a psychologist, said: ‘These communication technologies are almost certainly having long-term and possibly dramatic impacts on family life.

That's tragic and all. In other news, I'd bet you a can of Coke that "Dick House, psychologist" is a made-up person.

‘It is potentially catastrophic for the human relational values that underpin family life at its best, with real, face-to-face communication being increasingly displaced and sidelined by the machine.’

I bust out highly jargony and complex answers to questions I'm asked and I'm certainly real so stop wagering sugar water.

The study found that a third of us worry that family members have become ‘lazy’ because they spend too much time playing video games. But whilst these findings would fill many of us with horror, eight out of ten still say that technology has had a positive impact on their lives.

Yeah, so-called "lazy." Tell that to all the citizens of Cyrodill I saved from marauding hell-spawn. My Witch Hunter gained three levels today, I'm certainly accomplishing a lot.

Those who think technology has improved their lives value activities such as online shopping and the ability to stream TV shows on Netflix and the BBC iPlayer. 

My passive teevee viewership now has a more technical veneer. My life is better.

Lindsey Rix, of Aviva, said there was evidence that ‘the “always on” culture is making it difficult for people to switch off, and in some cases is causing people to become stressed’.

It's worth it for the current cultural golden age.

She added: ‘Households with children in particular suggest that technology can at times be intrusive, with people communicating via their phones rather than in person, and at inappropriate times such as during family meals.’

It seems pretty crazy, but there's unidentified folks out there who think this.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

Not interested in yelling at my kids to come down for dinner.

Now this is complete bull!... What smack!

Why is everyone laying into Lemon Tree

i use it simply to listen to music... nothing sinster

You are living the high life, two malted milk biscuits, luxury

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

News You Can't Use: Judge Orders Mom Not to Get Pregnant Again

We live in a land of laws, no seriously stop laughing, and who better to interpret and enforce them than lawyers in black dresses? It just makes sense: spending your entire adult life finding ways to subvert and obfuscate plain language for your own selfish benefit is more than adequate preparation to become the defender of this sacred code in the twilight of your life. And if you maybe get a little wild with the rulings, that's to be expected and even praised. In New York City, where we don't play, sucker, the magistrates are ordering the world's worst scumbags not to have more children.

A western New York judge has ordered a mother not to get pregnant again until she is able to “get her life together” and become a responsible caretaker for her children, issuing the controversial decision after a fourth child was taken from the woman because of neglect.

It takes a special sort of "blank slate" madness to honestly believe someone like this is going to reform after a little tough talk and the court-ordered removal of a child she probably deeply resented as a burden. Maybe we should actually punish her instead of blowing hot air, but I guess offering a chance to take Strike Five is enough.

The woman, referred to in court documents as Brandy F., is a sex worker and drug addict who allegedly admitted to ingesting crack cocaine, methadone and alcohol while pregnant, Monroe County Family Court Judge Patricia Gallaher wrote in the December 27 decision.

Even by Big Apple standards this is a Bad Mother.

Her first child, born in 2007, has lived with his maternal grandmother after it was discovered he was “not protected from access to hypothermic needle."

Luckily an hilarious typo saves us from the grinding horror of urban rot and the broken humans it has swallowed up. Honestly, that needle is freezing, man! Get a coat on that sucker.

“Over and over this court has had to order children removed from the mother only to see her show up in court in a few months obviously pregnant, often by another man"

Yeah. Another man is generally required for the "where do babies come from" miracle.

In her ruling, Gallaher wrote that her goal was to allow Brandy to stabilize her life so she could one day have custody of her children.

Pollyanna shakes her head and tells you to start being a realist about this situation.

Brandy’s sons and daughter “would most probably rejoice in having [a] mother who was clean, sober and competent, and hopefully even would love them as a mother should love her children,” Gallaher wrote.

I'd most probably rejoice if I walked into my bedroom and Taylor Swift was waiting, naked and covered in various flavors of chocolate and ice cream, but that ain't happening either.

The judge, who retired in December, noted the responsibility to get Brandy back on track not only falls on the shoulders of the mother-of-four, who did not appear in court,  but also on caseworkers to offer family planning and contraception, as the law allows.

I'm literally giving a sermon to the walls. How about you case workers? You can fix this, right? I'm counting on you! *retires the next day*

Caseworkers cannot require a client to utilize family planning or contraception.

This might make that whole "carry it on your shoulders" thing a little difficult.

Ron Lugbill, Brandy’s attorney, told WHEC that they plan to appeal the decision.

It is absolutely essential that this drug-addicted prostitute has a fifth child, Idiocracy-style, and we're going to make sure it happens.

Abandoning your child is endangering the welfare of a child and it is a crime, not a constitutional right.

Whoa dude, let's wait until activist judges review this before we make this sort of outrageous statement.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

hypothermic needle?? what the hell is that?

People became 'hooked' on the Government 'Hand-Outs' which were not a 'Hand-Up' at all to the people that should have realized the true essence of the potential of the help.   

Kudows on the judge

Amanda Rooney.... maybe we can bring this up at the brown bag!

my gf's parents just got an almost new red Buick Regal GS only from working off a laptop.  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Saturday, February 11, 2017

DotTeeVee: EA Sports UFC 3 Trailer Leak

I guess it would be best to just get the obvious out of the way: today's subject is not actually a promo video for an upcoming vidya game (Black and white Reebok shorts for all fighters! Just like the real thing!) but is instead a promotional video for UFC 5 on VHS cassette. Every single word of the last sentence fills me with profound joy. Sorry, you'll just have to keep guessing if the new television game has a Pac-Man style side mission where you have to escape your gym through twisting hallways while Nevada State Athletic Commission drug testers are in hot pursuit. In any case, please forgive this little deception, but it did earn this video nearly 870 views as of this moment, as well as 7 downward pointing thumbs, so clearly this little con game paid off big time.

I should also say that everything on the associated channel is pure gold if you're into classic extreme no-rules reality cage-fighting and what sensible person isn't? I'm talking oddities like Alcoholic vs. MMA fighter (That guy wasn't a real Alcoholic, you can tell by the stance and the moves are too dangerous to use in competition...) or forgotten Trent Jenkins fights. Pure. Gold.

Today's subject hearkens back to a more innocent time when people thought "UFC" stood for Utah Fried Chicken, when the events were promoted as a brutal death sport and you could wear whatever you wanted in the Octagon, even non-Reebok products. Instead of mainstream popularity and a carefully manicured image it was all about the promise of blood, death and "All I saw was swinging."

Tonight we'll probably see someone killed and eaten.

There's a "Vidmark" logo and this probably should have tipped off viewers that we're not headed to EA Sports land for a minor roster update and a few new features you'll quickly disable in the options menu. Instead there's a giant Tipper Gore parental advisory label and a promise that "the faint of heart" or as we now call them "every single Millennial" would be advised not to watch any further. With the sissies out of the room we go right to fully grown men hurling their bodies at opponents and black fencing. "Technique!" as Jim Brown would say.

Speaking of the greatest non-Walter Payton running back in NFL history, he provides another gem with "You really have to know what you're doing" as one of the forgotten heroes of the cage gets pummeled mercilessly on the ground. Yes, it would definitely be a good idea to have some idea of what to do when a guy that went to Simon Fraser University and has both boxing and wrestling experience is repeatedly striking the facial area while the referee just lets it go for some reason.

This one-sided beating was included on a "Best of" DVD release. Really.

We're told that this is becoming a very popular live event, so look out monster truck rallies and roller derby! More Jim Brown! "I will take quickness and technique!" Yeah, I gotta agree, especially when the alternative is a beer belly, a slimming black outfit, some highly dubious credentials (Black Sash in Blue Dragon Gung Fu! 77-0 in bare-knuckle competition!) and blocking strikes with your face. This was clearly part of the charm of these early events: you had legitimate fighters with real skill going against people who didn't even look like they could run up some stairs without injuring themselves, let alone impose the physical will on another human unit in a game of kinetic chess.

"There's no way out!" we are told. Well, you can lose. That would do it, right? Suffice it to say they would regret all this ultra-violent hyperbole when a guy named John McCain, who was old and doddering even in 1995, decided this would be an acceptable target for political grandstanding. Trying to start World War 3 with Russia, opposing No Holds Barred Anything Goes Fighting...everything he did was wrong.

 Finished second in 2008 Election, tried to ban the world's best sport.

Jim Brown discusses "A very dangerous type of weapon" that we hadn't seen before. What could he be referring to? A jumping spinning flying triangle choke/arm lock combination? Bionic limbs? Basic sprawling? Well, as it turns out, he's talking about using headbutts. It took several events for this amazing secret technique to be used, long before Mark Coleman made an entire career of this dangerous forbidden technique from the mystical Orient.

Let's meet the fighters! The Beast (imagine Freddie Mercury with the body of a Middle Linebacker)! The Russian Bear (imagine an ordinary looking Slavic guy in a judo gi)! And many more! We get a loving closeup of a downed opponent being kicked, a move that violates about ten different rules today, but back then it was a lot simpler: Only the strongest survive! 

Also, this is where fatigue steps in! If you've ever watched an early event with its one minute fights and endless filler in between, you're familiar with that exhaustion. Now we get the main attraction, namely the SUPER FIGHT. In fairness to whoever edited this, they somehow were able to get enough footage to make that 35 minute plus (!) lay-n-pray marathon look exciting, no small task. On the other hand the fight will feature "Amazing Gracie" and "The Deadliest Man Alive" Ken Shamrock. Call me crazy, but I like this nickname a lot better than the awkward "World's Most Dangerous Man" even if it isn't strictly accurate since I don't recall him ever killing someone in competition. He's tough and all, but he's no Chong Li.

Watch it if you dare! We conclude with "What a brutal match that was!" delivered in a bored monotone. If that doesn't get you hyped, you might not be breathing. Only on VHS from Vidmark entertainment! Yes, this is the same event that now earns millions and has massive popularity. No, really.

 No, this isn't a "Left Behind" Sequel.

Komment Korner  

K i guess...

Best Moments


The Russian Bear!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

News You Can't Use: San Francisco Strip Club Patrons Allege Rip-Off

I'm a tireless advocate for the ultimate unsung hero: the consumer. And yes, this includes the consumer of crotch friction from a student loan debt slave while "Pour Some Sugar on Me" plays in the background. Battling the trick bags that occur in the "Want a dance handsome" industry is nothing new for me, but today's story is, by any standard, journalistic dynamite. If you think I'm zealous about protecting your g-string dollars, check out the Investigative Unit (ha ha, "unit") whose mission statement is "Holding the Powerful Accountable." Let's be honest, there's no one more powerful than an aspiring actress trying to pay off college tuition one grind session at a time and the total and complete scumbags pulling the wires behind the Eighties Night deejay. Yes, it's time to go to war in defense of your gentleman's club value. Somewhere that guy who tried to throw quarters at the "performers" is giving a massive thumbs up.

Police confirm at least four San Francisco strip clubs are under criminal investigation after more than 20 patrons filed reports against them, claiming the clubs ran up large, unauthorized charges on their credit or debit cards.

I stuffed my credit card down her thong and the next thing you know I owe five figures to an off-shore bank.

Police say at least 14 others have filed police reports claiming they were ripped off to the tune of thousands of dollars at the North Beach adult entertainment hotspots. The clubs deny the allegations, saying the claims amount to nothing more than buyer’s remorse. 

Which side of pure human garbage you support in this dispute probably says a lot about your personality.

The targets of the criminal probe, according to court documents, are four clubs tied to Seattle-based entertainment company Déjà Vu: Little Darlings, Garden of Eden, Roaring 20’s, and the New Century Theater. 

I'm not gonna lie, this all sounds incredibly classy.

“Don’t go in, just don’t go there,” said one of the alleged victims, who asked he only be identified by his first name, Steve.

I like to imagine "Steve" delivered this doom prophecy while staggering along the side of a road in badly torn clothes, covered in his own blood.

“It’s a very pleasing and alluring front, but you don’t know what’s going to happen to you once you go in there.”

Sort of like Burger King.

Steve’s story begins on a night just before Christmas in 2014 as he walked to a bar in his North Beach neighborhood.

Christmas Eve in the bare-breast bar. This man must be the world's happiest and best adjusted human being.

“It was late, I was lonely, you know?” Steve said. “I passed by Little Darlings. A couple of very attractive women said, ‘Hey, where you going buddy?’”

They used their female powers to siphon away money in record time. I mean, I'm not made of stone and the borderline pedophile name of the club kinda sealed the deal.

n hour-and-a-half later, Steve said he expected to pay a $200 tab for a lap dance. But he says the dancer told him his debit card had been declined, so he withdrew cash from the club’s ATM to pay her.

That feel when you might have to wash dishes backstage at "Little Darlings" for hours to pay back being given a "semi" for ten minutes.

“When I got home, I had a bad feeling,” Steve said. “I checked my balance and it was empty.”

Steve said his account was drained of $2,500. He complained to his bank, but they sided with the club in the dispute, pointing to his signature on the receipt.

The bank was in on the scam, too! Where can a sleazy pervert who celebrates the Birth of Christ in the Boom Boom Room turn for justice?

“I didn’t sign a receipt,” Steve said. “An ATM receipt for $2,200 with a $300 tip? No f***ing way.”

I also use casual profanity, in case you still had some lingering sympathy for me.

In his police report, Steve relayed his fear that the club got his signature off his driver’s license, which had been scanned at the door.

This is truly a case worthy of the greatest detectives. Don't you see, Watson? They could get the signature from there!

“I handed her my card,” Steve said. “I didn’t expect skullduggery.”

Now that I'm too broke to afford making loose women briefly tolerate my presence I spend my evenings reading the dictionary and expanding my vocabulary.

“We don’t know exactly what’s going on, but we know something is definitely going,” said San Francisco police spokesman Sgt. Mike Andraychak.

Something is happening, that's for sure. As for what, no one can say.

Two told police they passed out after being served beer that they believe was drugged. One wound up in the hospital, where tests showed he had cocaine, methamphetamine and even the common ingredient in cough syrup in his system.

The old "I was actually drugged at the Garden of Eden" method of explaining away your meth habit to potential employers.

He told police he had already been drinking when he was offered a beer at the club, and ended up passing out soon after.

I know, that's something that's never happened before in the history of alcoholic beverages.

When he came to, he discovered that he had been charged $90,000 on what should have been a $1,600 tab.  

A nearly six figure bill from an establishment where most transactions are done with Mr. Washington. Is such a thing even possible.

Representatives of Déjà Vu declined to be interviewed for the story, but in a statement, a public relations firm says the four clubs are independently owned and that they were not aware of any investigation. They suggest the claims amount to buyer’s remorse.

We don't know anything, someone else owns my clubs, there's no investigation, these pervs are probably sore or something. Good grief, just let these people talk and they incriminate themselves in record time.

“I think the message here is if you want to have a lap dance, it’s buyer beware,” Clark said. “And that’s really the key here.”

This is the best advice. If we ever get an 11th Commandment, this is my vote.

And for Steve, although it might be awkward, he just wants to make a stand.

No, seriously, you're a freakin' hero dude. I want you to win and I'm not joking.

“If you don’t stand up and fight back, you’re going to be robbed all the time, and I don’t want to live like that,” he said.

Music from the "Braveheart" soundtrack plays.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner

you could buy a ticket to portland, indulge in multiple clubs with hotter women, and still save money compared to going to a bay area club. true story :-)

With all those victims and a clear modus operandi (lifting signature off the DL) they have no case? I smell a San Francisco City complicitous rat.

I h­­a­­v­­e m­­a­­d­­e ­­$­­1­­8­­4­­8­­7­­ ­­t­­h­­i­­s m­­o­­n­­t­­h w­­o­­r­­k­­i­­n­­g­­ o­­n­­l­­i­­n­­e f­­r­­o­­m h­­o­­m­­e.

What has your BS ad have to with this story, mfer?

Jay has a point though.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Saturday, February 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: 'Dr Evil' Tattoo Artist Accused of Removing Customer's Ear

In the interest of full disclosure I want y'all to know that I miss horror films that revolve around someone people are taught to trust while in compromising situations becoming a killer. You know, Dr. Giggles, that evil dentist one creatively titled "The Dentist," even this one about a guy who escaped an insane asylum and took over an ice cream truck sort of qualifies. All right, it's not exactly the Criterion Collection, but I was the right age at the time and I'd still take 'em over today's tepid PG-13 offerings. The point is, our feature story here could have been one of those old school Z-movies. Yes, it's Dr. Evil the crazy tattoo artist! Rated R for every kind of deviance and shock you can imagine!

The owner of 'Dr Evils Body Modification Emporium' has appeared in court today accused of mutilating his clients.

It's gonna be hard to get a fair hearing when your name is "Dr. Evil" and you don't know how to use an apostrophe to indicate a possessive, I'm just saying. If you're that lazy with your grammar I'd fully expect you to hack up tatted trash.

Brendan McCarthy or self proclaimed 'Mac 'Dr Evil' McCarthy' faces three counts of causing serious injury relating to consensual piercing and body modifying at his shop in Wolverhampton, West Midlands.

He was using that name before "Austin Powers" and they probably had to pay him millions so they could use it, too. Don't feel too bad for him.

The charges relate to the removal of a client’s ear, removal of a client’s nipple and tongue splitting procedures.

I wanted elf ears, a push-button nipple and a lizard tongue, instead I left looking like a freak!

McCarthy of Morton Road, Bushbury, appeared before magistrates in Walsall only to confirm his name, age and address.

Fans of lurid body modification tales left completely disappointed.

The 47-year-old , whose salon is also known as 'Punctured Body Piercing & Modification' ,faces three counts of causing grievous bodily harm with intent and three alternative counts of wounding without intent.

Also, his alternate name is Professor X.

Time to go fix that Wikipedia article to indicate the correct winner.

The alleged offences are said to have taken place between August 2012 and July 2015. 

I felt seeking justice over this whole "ear removal" thing could wait five years or so.

The business owner is due to return to Wolverhampton Crown Court on March 3.

This one should be better than the "What's your name, again?" fiasco, human misery fans.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.