Saturday, February 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: 'Dr Evil' Tattoo Artist Accused of Removing Customer's Ear

In the interest of full disclosure I want y'all to know that I miss horror films that revolve around someone people are taught to trust while in compromising situations becoming a killer. You know, Dr. Giggles, that evil dentist one creatively titled "The Dentist," even this one about a guy who escaped an insane asylum and took over an ice cream truck sort of qualifies. All right, it's not exactly the Criterion Collection, but I was the right age at the time and I'd still take 'em over today's tepid PG-13 offerings. The point is, our feature story here could have been one of those old school Z-movies. Yes, it's Dr. Evil the crazy tattoo artist! Rated R for every kind of deviance and shock you can imagine!

The owner of 'Dr Evils Body Modification Emporium' has appeared in court today accused of mutilating his clients.

It's gonna be hard to get a fair hearing when your name is "Dr. Evil" and you don't know how to use an apostrophe to indicate a possessive, I'm just saying. If you're that lazy with your grammar I'd fully expect you to hack up tatted trash.

Brendan McCarthy or self proclaimed 'Mac 'Dr Evil' McCarthy' faces three counts of causing serious injury relating to consensual piercing and body modifying at his shop in Wolverhampton, West Midlands.

He was using that name before "Austin Powers" and they probably had to pay him millions so they could use it, too. Don't feel too bad for him.

The charges relate to the removal of a client’s ear, removal of a client’s nipple and tongue splitting procedures.

I wanted elf ears, a push-button nipple and a lizard tongue, instead I left looking like a freak!

McCarthy of Morton Road, Bushbury, appeared before magistrates in Walsall only to confirm his name, age and address.

Fans of lurid body modification tales left completely disappointed.

The 47-year-old , whose salon is also known as 'Punctured Body Piercing & Modification' ,faces three counts of causing grievous bodily harm with intent and three alternative counts of wounding without intent.

Also, his alternate name is Professor X.

Time to go fix that Wikipedia article to indicate the correct winner.

The alleged offences are said to have taken place between August 2012 and July 2015. 

I felt seeking justice over this whole "ear removal" thing could wait five years or so.

The business owner is due to return to Wolverhampton Crown Court on March 3.

This one should be better than the "What's your name, again?" fiasco, human misery fans.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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