Friday, July 31, 2015

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Being Owned

What is a sovereign citizen? After watching a twenty minute video of some of them being laid to waste by law enforcement I'm still not entirely certain, but I think I'm triangulating the concept. Start with all the worst parts of Libertarianism (So like 90% of it, haw haw), stir in the special kind of social ineptitude found in generation nothing and crown this rich sundae of pathology with a disregard for the laws of the road. Or, indeed, any laws, but it's mostly going to be things like speed limits and checkpoints that our anti-heroes will be running afoul of prior to being, as the title clearly states, owned. What we're going to get is a combination of the modern hippie and the student loan racket victim experiencing the consequences of their own poor choices tyranny.

Our first tale of truth to power ownership begins at night, already in progress. A representative of the beast system wants to see ihnen papiern, bitte. He makes this request in a thick as Russian mud in May southern accent, the kind suggestive of the villain law enforcement in a Burt Reynolds movie. What could have potentially been a teaser trailer for Stroker Ace Part 2, Am I Being Detained? is somewhat ruined by the trooper's general tractability, happily giving his own badge number and name to our faceless enemy of statism. The officer does, however, refuse to give his first name, claiming it's "irrelevant." You can practically hear the sickening thud of that boot stomping a human face, forever.

Am I free to go?

Repeated southern-fried requests for insurance and license are rejected and we discover our resistor was going 72 in a 55 mph area, which is why we have a constitution and so on. To protect that. "Is speeding a crime?" asks the motorist. You might want to brace yourself for this shocking revelation, but it turns out that yes, it is. With that clever gambit somehow defeated by John Law we get our next brilliant legal maneuver, namely "Can you prove that I'm driving." Let's turn a routine lead-foot stop into "Is this chair real?" philosophical onanism, that should save you some points against the license you refuse to show.

The sovereign citizen now claims to be "traveling" instead of driving, which should clear up everything and bring it to a successful conclusion. "I wasn't stealing, officer, I was dropping objects into my pocket and then moving them by walking." What can be done in the face of this semantic onslaught? We get one more request and then the authority enters beast mode, smashing the car window with his bare hands. You should've disclosed that you were that liquid metal terminator when I asked for your badge number, it would have saved a lot of suffering.

Where is John Connor?

The "owning" we were promised now begins in earnest. "This is assault!" gasps the traveler, as if doing play-by-play or something. He goes on to mention his lack of "consent," which is something that I'm pretty sure isn't required by the rule of law. "You can only arrest me for the murders I committed if I give continuous and enthusiastic consent!" Doesn't sound right. We get the expected appeal to police brutality, which at least is a concept with some grounding in reality, while the T-1000, Alabama Model, declares that he's "Fixing to tase you," presumably with his built-in cyborg weapons.

Said tasing occurs, we get some pathetic screaming and even some profanity, fade to black.

Without even a pause to get our heads right it's off to the next case, now daytime but still in a car. "I come in peace," announces the World Citizen and for just a moment I wish I was watching Fulbright Scholarship recipient Dolph Lundgren in the action movie dud of the same name. Believe it or not, the video we get here is actually even better. I know it's a bold statement, especially considering the officer probably won't say "Then go in pieces" while blasting the Last Free Man.

"I do not consent to you searching my spaceship."

The representative of the Global Ruling Elite, all wool cap and general hang-dog demeanor, attempts to reason with the prison planet inmate, insisting that he smelled wacky tobacco smoke coming from the car and now must follow up on this lead. Using the smallest words possible the badge monster tries to explain probable cause, but it really doesn't seem to be taking. The driver than asks to see "Your Supervisor" as if this is a truculent fast food employee who made your Dinner Dog incorrectly or something. 

Instead of getting the manager the tool of oppression reaches into the vehicle, prompting less than masuculine cries of "Help!" and "I do not consent!" while a woman and baby scream away in the back of the car. Our reefer smoking friend denies residency in the State of Indiana, which is a nice logical talking point to fall back on after howling various nonsense like a ninny. 

The face of oppression.

"You do not smell marijuana!" whines the modern patriot. I guess he's been reduced to attempting Jedi mind-tricks now. "These are not the stoners you're looking for. Move along." Instead the officer declares the car "reeks" of it, which earns the brilliant rebuttal of "No, it doesn't!" Man, I can't wait to see what society looks like in twenty years.

Back-up arrives and it time for another "assault" which consists of dragging our scruffy THC lover from the driver's seat. More screams for "Help!" and, almost unbelievably, "Call the police!" Yes, really. And yet there's still a few cranks that insist smoking something called "dope" might affect your intelligence. "Sir, we are the police." 

It's already time for the taser. Say what you want, but it's more humane than hitting someone over the head with a steel baton. "What crime have I committed!" is now the battle cry of this peaceful warrior fighting for our inherent right to get baked in a parking lot. Apparently the batteries are low on the old sparky because it fails to subdue the weedhead or even generate much in the way of pitiful wailing. "You tried to attack my nuts!" Either a squirrel somehow gained the gift of speech and is bemoaning the encroachment of humanity on its personal hoard or this is the next bit of play-by-play from a drug freak. He also calls it "Improper use of a taser!" Five yard penalty, repeat third down.

Then it's time to kiss the pavement while the rest of this brave man's family (?) moan and make tearful requests. Can we get that lengthy conventional foreign war going again, or what?

I do not consent to you moving my corpse.

The vanquished pipe-puffer wants a lawyer. The child screams about getting out of the car and this sorry scene comes to an end.

We're in the cab of a truck, but don't worry, our driver is not the hard-working and generally decent sort of person you might associate with that profession. "I'm getting too old for this," Lethal Weapons our next enemy of individual rights as he awkwardly climbs up to have a chat. The smiling bully boy inquires about U.S. citizenship, but our smarmy hero wants to "Opt out." "I don't care if you're German or whatever," says the criminal with a badge, which sure is ironic considering he's acting like a German, circa 1940.

Another face full of pure, concentrated evil.

The big rig pilot declares a general policy of not answering questions. That will certainly help move this along. It's then time to discuss code 18.111, which is a much better use of your time than simply answering a straightforward question and then driving off with your load of refrigerator parts. After some dull civics class we come back to trying to get some answers, but no go. Then it's time to discuss borders and checkpoints. Maybe this guy is just lonely after a hard day of truckin' and just wanted a semi-friendly conversation. Who knows?

We talk about the fourth amendment and, big surprise, the noble rebel doesn't really understand it. After clearing it up a little nothing gets settled and we cut away.

Believe it or not, all of this amazing footage represents only about a third of the video's total running time. I'm not gonna call this my new regular Saturday night thing, but let's get real, this needs to happen. 

Komment Korner  

I hope you get AIDS.

The first cop just ripped the window out with his bare hands, that's metal as fuck!

So the key to being a "sovereign citizen" is to pretend like asking really dumb questions like "ARE YOU ENTERING MY VEHICLE" will short-circuit the entire U.S. legal system? 

I live in Russia and I think we don't have any checkpoints, only traffic control posts.  

Where did you deploy?

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

News You Can't Use: Naked Connecticut Man, 81, Arrested For Illegally Communing With Nature

You're into shrubs, right? Of course you are, every healthy person is. Well, it turns out some unhealthy people are too, believe it or not. Today's story has a little bit of everything (and a whole lot of nothing, but what did you expect?). Randy senior citizens, chances to make "Bush" jokes that even I won't be dignifying and various cheeky references to the adult act that we as a society apparently can't get enough of.

A Connecticut octogenarian is facing criminal charges after he was spotted, sans clothing, “humping” a bush outside his home, police report.

Bobby Brown, take it away...

When you trust an old man
and you know you're in their garden
You ain't got no trustin' about you
And you claim that you
Don't care that we met at an erotic fertilizer convention
You've given me reason to doubt you
Say you trust someone
Why you peering over my backyard fence
Thinking I've got plants on the side
You don't trust no one
You have to see eighty-year-old nudity if you play that way

Get up off my crops
Make this agony stop
Ain't nobody humpin' a bush

Wallace Berg, 81, was arrested Monday on public indecency and breach of peace charges in connection with the incident last month at his Stratford residence.  

That moppery case will have to wait, we've got to punish an old man that got busy with shrubbery.

According to cops, a neighbor called 911 to report that Berg was walking around his backyard in the nude and had communed with a bush.

Yeah, call the emergency line for this one. Heart attacks, crimes in progress, naked oldsters with uncontrolled botanical horny levels, it's all the same.

The neighbor, who filmed Berg’s antics and later showed the video to police, told cops that he confronted the pensioner.

I hope I never reach a point in life where "filming" (that's not how modern cameras work, mainstream media) literal beating around the bush becomes necessary.

In response, Berg “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house,” police reported.

Grill covers, is there anything they can't do? Helping with the cooking process, covering your withered elderly genitalia, etc.

Berg, a retired embalmer, is free on $10,000 bond and is scheduled for an August 5 Superior Court hearing.

Someone from Death Inc. that isn't psychologically well-adjusted? Hard to believe.

As seen above, while the backyard of Berg’s modest ranch home is ringed by bushes, the plantings did not keep him out of view of onlookers, police noted. 

Yes, they thought we needed to see some satellite images. For this story. Yeah.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

LESSON....NEVER apologize....

It's Bush's fault!

You ever heard of tree huggers?

Leave him alone and tell the cops to F off.

Personally, I 'identify' as a 15 year-old Girl Scout

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Sunday, July 26, 2015

News You Can't Use: Online Symptom-Checkers are Often Wrong

With the high cost of affordable health care for all, including that poor little boy with sick parents or whatever who vanished never to be seen again after the bill passed, it makes sense that you'd want to find alternative ways to diagnose and treat your rapidly putrefying body. Traditionally these methods include straightforward interventions like checking every inch of the body for the devil's mark, kidnapping medical students and pumping them for information and gleaning as much knowledge as possible from 2 am infomercials. However, in case you forgot, we live in an age of high technology and information, which explains all the intellectualism in our popular culture. Clearly, internet doctoring is the future, but what if it's wrong? Is it time to panic?

Online symptom checkers often misdiagnose patients’ problems, often encouraging people to seek care for minor issues that don’t need immediate attention and other times incorrectly telling people with true emergencies that treatment can wait, a U.K. study suggests.

Next you're going to tell me internet dating is not an ideal way to meet attractive, successful and mentally stable life partners.

The apps were imperfect at best, offering the correct diagnosis on the first try only about a third of the time.

Stop sawing off your own arm, the hand-phone might be wrong about that advanced stage leprosy.

For triage - assessing the urgency of the problem - the apps were too cautious in situations requiring only self-care: only 33 percent of the time, on average, were patients appropriately advised not to go to the doctor.

Suggestive alternative: writing "you'll be fine, quit complaining" on a scrap of paper and looking at it every time the old hypochondria starts acting up.

At the other extreme, symptom checkers typically missed the severity of the situation in one of every five cases requiring emergency treatment.

It gets everything wrong in every possible way. That's what we're trying to say.

“The risk is that people will be told to get care when they didn’t need it and bear the costs and inconvenience, or they will be told not to seek care when they have a life-threatening problem,” senior author Dr. Ateev Mehrotra, a health policy researcher at Harvard Medical School in Boston, said by email.

No, not inconvenience! Spare me that horrible fate. I'll just stuff everything back in the old split middle, duct tape it over and hope for the best.

The software listed the right diagnosis first in 24 percent of emergencies on average, and for 40 percent of non-urgent cases. Accuracy was better for common than for rare diagnoses.

If it's a head cold it probably gives good advice. If you think your skeleton is trying to escape through your mouth, maybe see the saw-bones.

The app that did best at giving the correct diagnosis on the first try was, at 50 percent.

Doctor Coin-flip is here to help.

Yes, but can it make phone calls?

One limitation of the study is that it used specific clinical language to describe medical conditions in the test vignettes, which may not provide an accurate reflection of how the symptom checkers would perform for patients using nonclinical terms to describe their conditions, the authors acknowledge in the British Medical Journal.

I'm sure you'd get much better results if you typed in "Headbone ain't be right."

In some situations, symptom checkers are never a good idea, Wyatt said by email. 

The logical sentence structure equivalent of a doctor's handwriting.

“Don’t waste your time surfing, call 911,” Wyatt said.

I don't care that my left arm is tingling, there's a curl to shoot. 

Non-urgent patients “can probably afford to spend a few minutes checking symptoms online,” Wyatt said.

Let's not get carried away. 

Komment Korner

My experiences with doctors are useless at best.

Who are we to trust?

I have to ask because many times I take my son to the doctor and they say he's got said 'problem' here with NO testing.

I ended up with fatal pancreatic disease

I wonder how many doctor use these

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

News You Can't Use: Man Who Called 911 Sought Help Fixing His Air Conditioner

Man, it sure is hot. If we were working together I might say that and then we could have an awkward conversation about the topic of heat to help cover up our mutual loathing and crushing inner despair. Luckily, we're on the tubes, so there's no need for such social glue, allowing the subject of "Dang, it's so warm" to get the proper clinical analysis it so richly deserves. Specifically, what happens when the good old A.C. severs the silver cord, leaving you at the mercy of the wicked old Sun. It's obviously time to call for help, the primary means of "solving" any problem in today's America.

State police say a western Pennsylvania man with a penchant for making unnecessary emergency calls recently complained of chest pains so he could ask medics to help him fix his air conditioner.

Well, it's certainly consistent with the small amount we've been told about this amazing wise, wise man. Performing first aid for a dying man and fixing a broken blow box is pretty much the same skill set, isn't it?

Twenty-six-year-old Travis Turner, of Indiana, Pa., was charged Wednesday with obstructing emergency services and disorderly conduct.

If convicted he could face up to ten minutes near a jail.

Troopers say Turner has called Indiana County 911 dispatchers or the state police 63 times in the last three years for minor or harassing complaints.

We have a saying in Texas and I bet you have it in Tennessee, er, Pennsylvania as well. Fool me 62 times...shame Fool me 63...

Won't get fooled again!

In December, they charged him. The complaint later was withdrawn and Turner was warned to stop making such calls.

A stern talking to should be sufficient punishment for breaking the law several dozen times.

But police say Turner called 911 again Sunday afternoon. They say that when an ambulance arrived, Turner said he didn’t have any medical issues but needed help with his air conditioner.

Maybe "Just don't do it again, you little fully mature ragamuffin!" is not the powerful deterrent you'd expect it to be. 

Turner’s listed phone was disconnected Wednesday.

I guess Donald Trump gave out his number, too.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source:

Komment Korner

throw his sorry behind into a nice HOT jail cell

How much do you want to bet he votes democrat.

Obviously this is somehow a result of, oh, I don't know.....LACK OF FUNDING!

Better check to see if he has weapons

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Video Game Slush Pile: Baseball Simulator 1.000

It's summer here in the Northern Hemisphere and that means oppressive cancer-causing solar radiation, urban rioting and the great sport of baseball. We used to call it our National Pastime and while it's been displaced from that lofty slot by internet pornography it's still a mildly entertaining way to while away hour after hour. It's all the fun of inhaling over-priced warm beer and enjoying "action," that despite attempts to modernize it with needle supplements and horrible human beings, would still not be out of place in 1890. Naturally, this sport that captivated 19th Century rural America is a perfect fit for the old murder simulator box and there's been attempts to bring USA Muscle Cricket to the world of video game right from the very beginning.

The NES era saw the release of some of the better attempts to translate the old ball game into something that's actually, you know, fun. Today's subject is a good example, incorporating an arcade sensibility and cartoony "Ultra Plays" into the mix. Somewhat unexpected for a game with a title that sounds like one of those old statistical simulator card games that have, thankfully, died.

At first glance this 1990 release looks like just another basic effort to bring the thrills of "Here's the two-two wait, he didn't throw it. Holds the ball...holds the ball...scratches self..." into your home. You get some generic teams and players, such as "New York" and their star player "Cal" who I'm sure you're all familiar with. The gameplay calls to mind RBI Baseball, accessible and generally solid, even if the pitchers tire at an alarming rate. Do you really think Rocket Roger would be sweating and heaving after three innings? It's called "The Gas" for a reason, you know.

"Earl" takes the pain with a quiet dignity.
Of course it wouldn't really be baseball if everyone wasn't cheating like crazy and this game really takes it to the next level with "Ultra Plays." Available only in the Ultra League these trick pitches, hits and fielding moves turn the game on its head. Batters hit balls that cause earthquakes or explode, pitches throw fireballs and lead shot-puts and the fielders can retaliate with amazing slides and jumps when they're not being blown to bits or impaled by "missile hits." Fortunately this horrible bloodbath gets the Wiley E. Coyote treatment and the players quickly recover from what should be fatal injuries. Yeah, the ball exploded in your glove destroying everything in a ten foot radius. Rub some dirt on it, you're fine.

Before "flax seed oil" was building big arms you had to get creative to break the rules.

Despite these arcade elements the game still is, at its heart, a simulator. You can play an entire season with any of the three leagues or make your own team. You can "edit" one of the existing teams in what amounts to a "create a team" mode. And, yes, you can simulate games. I'd really be derelict in my reviewing duties if I didn't mention that. During the season you can watch the computer play itself or choose what the manual describes as a "high speed" simulation. Pick that and beep boop music plays while you look at a box score that isn't filled in at all. Wait a few moments and nothing changes. I honestly thought the game was broken. It turns out you have to wait several minutes for the score to slowly reveal itself. And I do mean slowly. I remember sitting across the room, listening to eight bit "music," reading a book and occasionally glancing up to see if the game was over yet. Yes, I knew how to live well.

 Atlantic or Northern, we've got both.

I'd be equally remiss not to mention that yes, there was a sequel released for the SNES. Somehow it managed to ruin a lot of the fast-moving and light-hearted fun. Maybe "ruin" is too strong a word, the game was still decent, but it was pretty clear they were out of good ideas and just trying to coast on marginally better graphics while sacrificing depth and gameplay. Huh, that sounds oddly familiar. The major improvement was the simming now actually was fast, so no more reading Stephen King's "It" cover to cover while waiting for a 30 game, 6 team season to finish, so there's that. Does that make up for garbage like the "Leaf Ball," the loss of many fun animations and bats that can break multiple times on the same pitch? Maybe a little.

 What will the commissioner do about players immolating themselves to get an edge?

Graphics: Overall, not bad. There's some funny reactions and everything else looks fine. Check out the different stadiums, too. You get exciting choices like "Dirt" and "Grass." Sickly green or sickly brown or some combination of the two, we've got you covered.

Controls: Pick up and play, very easy to get into. Pitchers have a lot of control over the ball's movement in the air and can throw fastballs, change-ups and the always dangerous "middle speed" pitch. Batters can swing or bunt. Fielders automatically move into position, making that nice and painless. 

Depth: Plenty. You can customize up to six teams and then play them against each other in a league. The game tracks all the basic stats, sorry, no sabermetrics. The season length can range from full down to just five games and the glacial simulation screen must be doing a good job of making sure everything is realistically modeled.

Overall: This one's worth a second look.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

News You Can't Use: One Third of Young US Adults are too Fat to Join the Military

Hello young person from generation nothing. I'm sure you're eager to go over to Iran or maybe shoot your fellow citizens in a food riot. Well, not so fast there, lard-o. The growing problem of fatty boom batties is now apparently becoming a national security issue. Sorry, having a physique like the Kool Aid Man just isn't ideal for the war on [whatever the national boogeyman becomes next]. We're forced to actually tell young people that they're going to die on their own from morbid obesity and as such don't need any help from a police action. Fortunately, we've got a "this is a bad thing" article to lament this problem so let's start with the wailing.

The nation's obesity epidemic is causing significant recruiting problems for the military, with one in three young adults nationwide too fat to enlist, according to report issued Wednesday by a group of retired military leaders. 

Here we thought all those video game war/murder simulators would improve readiness and promote jingoism, but instead the non-stop sitting and snacking have severely damaged our ability to drop and give twenty, climb walls, run while loaded down with ammunition and all those other things that help win hearts and minds in rock deserts and steppe wastelands.

The nonprofit, non-partisan group called Mission: Readiness (Military Leaders for Kids) is promoting healthy school lunches in Kansas and across the nation as a way to combat the problem.

Non-partisan. "We don't care what cause young people die for, as long as they're dying." Eat this carrot, it will help you eat lead when you're older.

In Kansas, 29 percent of teenagers are overweight, according to figures it cites from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry Toto, Dorothy is a shut-in confined to a bed the size of a Thanksgiving Day float.

Obesity is among the leading causes of military ineligibility among people ages 17 to 24, the report notes. Others are a lack of adequate education, a criminal history or drug use.

I was so doped-up, poorly educated and criminal I couldn't figure which end of the gun was the dangerous one to point at democracy's enemies.

All those put together mean that 71 percent of Kansans are ineligible for military service, according to the group.

New Kansas State motto: To the stars through gorging on fatty foods, failing out of school, shooting up and committing crimes.

Schmader, who retired from the military after 32 years and now lives near Leavenworth, is among a group of retired military leaders who has been going to schools around the state promoting healthier lifestyles.

"Good news, class! A general who presided over some losing wars three decades ago is here to tell you to eat your greens!"

About 99 percent of the schools in Kansas have adopted healthier meals under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, which requires more fruit, vegetables and whole grains in school meals, along with less sodium, sugar and fat.

In unrelated news there's now a massive junior high black market for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos.

First Lady Michelle Obama lobbied largely behind the scenes for the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.

Well, we've got the hunger-free part settled, at least.

Schmader lauded her efforts, but said his non-partisan group of military leaders had been pushing for healthier school meals long before the first lady got involved.

We wanted to feed kids tasteless garbage to prepare them to be sacrificed on the altar of war BEFORE it was cool or fashionable.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I'm a conservative

I was following the diet of lisa plog and I ended up losing 22 pounds.

Why would anyone WANT to join the military right now?  

t never ceases to amaze me how many fat women are dressed in uniforms when i go to lunch every day. And yes, fat guys too.

at least they are not staying at home sucking welfare through the system.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

News You Can't Use: Does the US Need a Nationwide Exorcism?

The nice thing about this current era is that no matter who you ask, whether it's the shrill eternal victims or the lecturing parental substitutes, you'll be told in no uncertain terms how bad everything is. This is the one issue we can all rally around and share common scotched Earth. What to do about all this ungood is where things start to get mildly contentious. Certainly throwing money and making speeches should be top priority, but does this country need a spiritual enema? As you might have guessed, some religious leaders are saying that in does.

Can — or should — an exorcism be done for the United States, as was done in Mexico this past May?

Well it obviously fixed Mexico. Please ignore the crime talk of that wealthy bankruptcy court fan with the elaborate hair to the contrary.

Cardinal Juan Sandoval Íñiguez, the archbishop emeritus of Guadalajara, performed the rite, together with priests from across Mexico, at the Cathedral of San Luis Potosí in a closed-door ceremony. The purpose: to drive away the evil responsible for skyrocketing violence, abortion and drugs in that predominantly-Catholic nation.

I wonder how you get a crucifix large enough to press into the forehead of an entire puking, head-spinning blaspheming country that's under diabolic occupation making people want to get high or have irresponsible sexual intercourse.

Such “exorcisms … have helped bring awareness that there is such a thing as sin influenced by Satan,” said Msgr. John Esseff, a priest for 62 years in the Diocese of Scranton, Pa., and an exorcist for more than 35 years.

No, this exorcism won't actually remove the demon from your body, but it will raise awareness and educate people on the problem, which is almost as good as a real solution, right? Better understanding and open dialogue should make you stop levitating and spider-walking down stairs.

“The devil has much to do with [influencing people in] breaking the law of God,” he said.

When we're not blaming video games or historical flags, that is.

In 2013, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Springfield, Ill., performed a minor exorcism at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception in Springfield in response to the governor’s signing same-sex “marriage” into law on that day.

You might remember him from a Two Minutes Hate.

He said the prayer service was “not meant to demonize anyone,” but was “intended to call attention to the diabolical influences of the devil that have penetrated our culture.”

We put warning stickers on those Iron Maiden records, what more could have been done?

Father Gary Thomas, pastor at Sacred Heart Catholic Church in Saratoga, Calif., and the exorcist for the Diocese of San Jose, said he has seen notable improvements after exorcising homes and when he re-dedicated a church.

"I feel a little better. I guess."

He also cautioned against making a public announcement when exorcising a geographic area because there is usually backlash in the form of skepticism and ridicule.

I know, hard to believe.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad idea — just that, if it’s done, it should be done quietly.”

A nice low-key and private national exorcism, that's the ticket.

“It was Pope Benedict XVI who said that as faith diminishes, superstition increases.”

There is a certain irony.

I want you to know what your mother is doing in hell.

Father Mike Driscoll, chaplain of St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center in Ottawa, Ill., and author of the new book Demons, Deliverance, and Discernment, explained that, in addition to possession, demons can infest a place or thing. 

You all saw that creepy doll movie, right? 

“The average Joe reading this might think, ‘Oh, there must be a bunch of people possessed who need to be exorcised,’” said Father Driscoll, who is a licensed counselor.

An ordinary thought from an average man. "Golly. Must be a bunch of people possessed at my typical job where I earn the median national wage. Better get them exorcised, yup."

Father Patrick (not his real name) is a parish priest and also an exorcist for his U.S. diocese. He said that there are differences when exorcising a place rather than a person.

A demonic witness protection program, I guess.

“We want to shift superiority over an area to the angels, but there is still the ground level [response] that needs all the priests to engage in battle too.” 

We were promised lightning bolt from heaven strikes but no actual halos on the ground.

Komment Korner  

Obviously you are Not Catholic 

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

The entire country is in the grip of Satan.

An exorcism may take many days or years to perform at times depending on the amount of demons or djinn  

Save America…or copyrights. I guess the copyrights are more important.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

News You Can't Use: Store Owner Accuses Woman Believed to be Ariana Grande of Spitting On, Licking Doughnuts

Talking about bakeries has really been the hot topic lately, there's just something inherently exciting about cakes, six figure fines for the elderly and those long narrow glazed things, whatever you call them. Just when you thought this rich deposit of thick sugary gold was nearing exhaustion we're going to completely flip the script and discuss what happens when the customer is wrong, something I was always assured was impossible during my own smock-wearing days. After all, pop music is all about shocking a stodgy and uptight average person who, simply put, doesn't exist. If the spitting won't do it, well, maybe the licking will.

The Internet is buzzing over reports that pop superstar Ariana Grande was captured on camera licking and spitting on doughnuts at a shop in western Riverside County.

Someone I've never heard of but is allegedly famous is licking the crullers! Drop everything, I've got to get dozens of new hashtags going. #UnsanitaryPopStarBakeryBehavior. #SCARYanaGrande. That sort of thing.

CBS2 obtained its own copy of the video from a source of the incident, which happened Saturday at Wolfee Donut Shop in the Canyon Hills Marketplace in Lake Elsinore. 

Don't ask what we had to do to get it, we're not proud of that.

“She was just like really rude to me,” said Mayra Solis, an employee of shop.

Valley girl stereotype offended by pop diva who acted like a camel, news at eleven.

Solis says she can be seen in the video in a red shirt helping the girl believed to be Grande pick out $5 worth of doughnuts on July 4.

That would be what, six doughnuts? Maybe? Man, the unbelievably decadent lifestyles of the filthy rich superstars. 

“She was just like, ‘I need a doughnut professional,’ and I was just like ‘OK.’ ” Solis said.

Gag me with a spoon, I'm an aspiring actress or Instagram celebrity, not some lame professional doughnut player.

Joe Marin, the owner of the store, says Grande and her male companion are seen doing something nasty to his powdered doughnuts.

Step away from the bear claws and snickerdoodles you sick freaks!

“One of the trays, yeah, she was licking on them and the other trays, she spit on them,” he said.

Studies have scientifically proven that you do not, repeat do not, need to lick it before you kick it. At least when it comes to baked goods that is, I ride the downtown bus like any proper gentleman.

It is hard to make out what really happened on the video, which showed the woman lean down toward the doughnuts and then quickly look at her companion, who also leaned in toward the doughnuts. The girl who appears to be Grande is then seen jumping up and down and laughing.

Every generation gets the Zapruder film it deserves.

Popular culture: glamorous, intellectual, endlessly entertaining.

Marin is concerned those powdered doughnuts Grande was seen hovering over were possibly sold to other customers. 

Yeah, I suppose there's a chance. Time to install a "licked by talentless music industry slag" disposal bucket so this won't happen again.

“If you drop a doughnut, it needs to be in the trash and especially if you spit on it,” he explained.

"If you've got time to lean you've got time to clean!" he then barked at his child employees.

Marin says he filed a report with the Sheriff’s Department.

If there's one crime that will get the attention of the police it's attacking a doughnut shop.

“She licked two of them and she spit two. So that’s four doughnuts,” he said.

Let me check Google on my phone...he's right! You must be some kind of wizard.

Komment Korner  

These are the kinda pukes we put up with. That's why I'm voting Trump!

Was she in The Dixie Chicks or something?

That is one donut shop I would never visit.
You didn't report the rest where she says "I hate America. I hate Americans" to her boyfriend. Why didn't you report that CBS? 

I hope someone is adding this incident to her Wikipedia page.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Choose Your Own Adventure #31: Vampire Express

Last time I was able to save Spock from himself in a highly satisfying literary version of a moron box show. Now it's back to Choose Your Own Adventure as the dream of finishing this series sometime before I get early-onset senility continues to sag like a heavy load. Today we're traveling back to 1984. We were winning the victory over ourselves, Eastasia had always been our enemy and vampires didn't sparkle, own businesses or fill giant rooms with dozens of floggers and allied devices. Instead they apparently hung out on trains and performed all the usual Bram Stoker cliches. Yeah, it was a better time.

I love the cartoony version of fiery immolation at the bottom.

We've got a new author for this one, some guy named Tony Koltz who will be deploying his Ivy League education and massive experience in the publishing industry. Yes, these goofy books were serious business at this point. Not just any geek off the streets can write one. Gotta be handy with your big degrees, earn your keep. 

Despite this formidable background Mr. Koltz manages to insert two cliches into the very first sentence: vampire haunted Romania and a visit to a possibly wacky uncle. Wave that Colombia degree all you want buddy, this is not a good start. I'm taking a train through impaler country where the plan is uncle Andrew and I will team up to scientifically prove vampires, once and for all time. You know, just explaining how magnets work would be impressive enough, let's not get wild.

Time to check that stock portfolio, go back to high school for the hundredth time, etc.

I'm joined by "Nina" a blonde who is my age and her aunt Mrs. West who I'm sure will be preventing a lot of awkward make-out sessions by hanging around. I recall a bizarre letter from Uncle Andrew claiming these two might hold the key to solving the whole vampire problem, a shaggy dog story about a painting and a jewel that might be magical or whatever and a promise that legendary gypsy hospitality is out there should I need it. Fair enough. 

Darkness settles in and Mrs. West has a freak-out where she grabs the previously mentioned jewel and claims she can sense the painting is in danger. Nina responds with typical teen arrogance and lack of empathy but it doesn't stop her aunt from leaving. Fifteen minutes pass and my game is apparently so weak that not only does nothing happen but Nina wants to leave to hunt for her second tier relative. I offer a pathetic White Knight act, agreeing to help in the search. It's pretty clear the vampire is the only one on this train with any chance of doing the Wild Thing.

On the alternate cover the main character is a bit more successful with the ladies.

I decide to question other passengers, since maybe some normal human interaction will prove helpful in interpreting basic social cues in the future. There's plenty of train description, making me long for the days of Which Way Books and their patented "You're on a train.Left or Right?" prose. Instead I encounter an unhelpful conductor who has very little to say on the missing older lady and possibly endangered painting front. He explains that people disappear on this train all the time and its really not that big a deal. Life is cheap, get over it.

Still, I'm given permission to search anywhere, except the private car of a Count and Countess. Hmmm. Noble title. Probable business holdings. Female companion that is likely to have signed a submissive contract. Yeah, that's our vampire. I'm trying his door.

"I like watching you sleep."

After the initial knocks are ignored, the door finally gets answered by a "dwarf" with a "repulsive face." R.A. Montgomery would be proud. He tells me to go away, but I've got to find and save the woman that I mostly know as a wearer of garish jewelry, listener to animate objects and preventer of light petting.

Fortunately the main man arrives, pulls the little person aside, apologizes and invites us in. Inside it's all luxury and class, of course, and his "lovely wife" is there as well. The countess even provides the underage version of late night drinks, in this case trays of cookies and candy. Man, these satanic monsters really are good people. I bet he pays his employees well, too. 

Nina and I tuck into the candy and weird red punch and it would be hard for Western Union to telegraph this any better. The vittles actually taste awful and give an odd tingle that's presumably bad, not like the ones you'd get if this guy was whipping you. An attempt to make a break is blocked and sure enough, the teeth are out. Who could have foreseen this? 

You can trust me, I served in the military.

Somehow my friend zone partner and I manage to get out of the vampire room and get on top of the train, because if there's a train in an action story you're going to end up either on top of it and/or clinging from the sides at some point. The undead lack the southern speed to catch up, despite reaching out with clawed hands in classic style. We jump off the train, land in soft snow and make out way to a cabin and safety. A nice happy end. Well, Nina's aunt is probably getting a neck i.v. from European Old Money right now, but you can't win them all.

I thought this was a decent effort, not really what you'd call original but good enough for what it is. There is a reason cliches exist, after all. They work. Considering how much vampire mythology has been carpet-bombed by talentless hacks in the last few years it's almost a relief to get back to the basics.

   You get jacked up by poisonous spiders and fall to a horrible death. The End.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

News You Can't Use: 'Fatal Attraction' Event Series in the Works at Fox

According to compensated endorsements, television has never been better. I mean, you like passive entertainment, endless inferior "re-imaginings" and a healthy dose of unwanted political messages while you sit on a badly damaged couch drooling on yourself, right? Well, obviously. It follows that I'm very excited to deliver the news about an exciting semi-new show sure to find its rightful place in the vast wasteland. Let's get excited about the moron box and then a year from now you can watch "Season One" in one long, pathetic marathon session, sucking your thumb and sobbing openly in between crushing fistfuls of food that, strictly speaking, doesn't qualify as food.

The reboot trend continues.

When even the Hollywood Reporter, a website that regularly wades nose-deep in spiritual slime is struggling to conceal its obvious disdain you know you've got a hot property.

Fox is developing a remake of 1987 Michael Douglas, Glenn Close and Anne Archer starrer Fatal Attraction, The Hollywood Reporter has confirmed.

I guess this gives me some hope that my dream of Gattaca: The Series is not in vain.

The project, which received a script commitment, is being eyed as a short-order event series — but with the potential to continue for a second season. Stanley R. Jaffe and Anonymous Content's Rosalie Swedlin will exec produce.

If for some reason this steaming pile of cultural offal obtains popularity and is earning money it will continue. This is "Sun rises in the east" level analysis.

Current Fox president of entertainment David Madden developed and supervised the movie — which scored six Oscar nominations — when he was an exec at Paramount's film studio.

Yes, a movie about the dangers of sticking it into crazy that features a pet rabbit cook-out somehow received critical acclaim. Certainly this is useful ammunition for the "against" side in one of those "Mass entertainment used to be better!" debates that we're all constantly having.

The potential series is described as a reimagining of the iconic thriller, in which a married man’s indiscretion comes back to haunt him.

Endless exciting scenes of a divorce lawyer taking away all his possessions!

For Fox, the deal comes as the network is poised to reboot The X-Files and launch film-to-TV remakes with Minority Report and a new take on Frankenstein.

This time Frankenstein's monster is part robot and inhabits a steam punk world he never made! Brilliant!

At Paramount, meanwhile, Fatal Attraction comes as the TV division continues to mine its film library for the small screen.

Something bad but familiar is far better than something new, original and competent.

I watched the first three seasons over one weekend!

Reboots and remakes have been a major development season trend this past year — with a few already on the fall schedule as broadcast and cable networks alike look for proven hits with built-in audiences in a bid to draw live viewers in an increasingly crowded original scripted landscape. 

In other words you might want to consider turning the electronic toilet off and keeping it off.

Komment Korner  

Adultery, racy sexual scenarios, lunacy, violence...perfect fit for American pop culture.

My son's mother is a Borderline, I live it every darn day of my life.


I don't want to see a stretched out version of a classic movie with inferior actors.

What is needed is showing the crazed broad cooking the rabbit.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.