Video Game Slush Pile: Baseball Simulator 1.000

It's summer here in the Northern Hemisphere and that means oppressive cancer-causing solar radiation, urban rioting and the great sport of baseball. We used to call it our National Pastime and while it's been displaced from that lofty slot by internet pornography it's still a mildly entertaining way to while away hour after hour. It's all the fun of inhaling over-priced warm beer and enjoying "action," that despite attempts to modernize it with needle supplements and horrible human beings, would still not be out of place in 1890. Naturally, this sport that captivated 19th Century rural America is a perfect fit for the old murder simulator box and there's been attempts to bring USA Muscle Cricket to the world of video game right from the very beginning.

The NES era saw the release of some of the better attempts to translate the old ball game into something that's actually, you know, fun. Today's subject is a good example, incorporating an arcade sensibility and cartoony "Ultra Plays" into the mix. Somewhat unexpected for a game with a title that sounds like one of those old statistical simulator card games that have, thankfully, died.

At first glance this 1990 release looks like just another basic effort to bring the thrills of "Here's the two-two pitch...no wait, he didn't throw it. Holds the ball...holds the ball...scratches self..." into your home. You get some generic teams and players, such as "New York" and their star player "Cal" who I'm sure you're all familiar with. The gameplay calls to mind RBI Baseball, accessible and generally solid, even if the pitchers tire at an alarming rate. Do you really think Rocket Roger would be sweating and heaving after three innings? It's called "The Gas" for a reason, you know.

"Earl" takes the pain with a quiet dignity.

  

Of course it wouldn't really be baseball if everyone wasn't cheating like crazy and this game really takes it to the next level with "Ultra Plays." Available only in the Ultra League these trick pitches, hits and fielding moves turn the game on its head. Batters hit balls that cause earthquakes or explode, pitches throw fireballs and lead shot-puts and the fielders can retaliate with amazing slides and jumps when they're not being blown to bits or impaled by "missile hits." Fortunately this horrible bloodbath gets the Wiley E. Coyote treatment and the players quickly recover from what should be fatal injuries. Yeah, the ball exploded in your glove destroying everything in a ten foot radius. Rub some dirt on it, you're fine.

Before "flax seed oil" was building big arms you had to get creative to break the rules.

Despite these arcade elements the game still is, at its heart, a simulator. You can play an entire season with any of the three leagues or make your own team. You can "edit" one of the existing teams in what amounts to a "create a team" mode. And, yes, you can simulate games. I'd really be derelict in my reviewing duties if I didn't mention that. During the season you can watch the computer play itself or choose what the manual describes as a "high speed" simulation. Pick that and beep boop music plays while you look at a box score that isn't filled in at all. Wait a few moments and nothing changes. I honestly thought the game was broken. It turns out you have to wait several minutes for the score to slowly reveal itself. And I do mean slowly. I remember sitting across the room, listening to eight bit "music," reading a book and occasionally glancing up to see if the game was over yet. Yes, I knew how to live well.

 Atlantic or Northern, we've got both.

I'd be equally remiss not to mention that yes, there was a sequel released for the SNES. Somehow it managed to ruin a lot of the fast-moving and light-hearted fun. Maybe "ruin" is too strong a word, the game was still decent, but it was pretty clear they were out of good ideas and just trying to coast on marginally better graphics while sacrificing depth and gameplay. Huh, that sounds oddly familiar. The major improvement was the simming now actually was fast, so no more reading Stephen King's "It" cover to cover while waiting for a 30 game, 6 team season to finish, so there's that. Does that make up for garbage like the "Leaf Ball," the loss of many fun animations and bats that can break multiple times on the same pitch? Maybe a little.

 What will the commissioner do about players immolating themselves to get an edge?

Graphics: Overall, not bad. There's some funny reactions and everything else looks fine. Check out the different stadiums, too. You get exciting choices like "Dirt" and "Grass." Sickly green or sickly brown or some combination of the two, we've got you covered.

Controls: Pick up and play, very easy to get into. Pitchers have a lot of control over the ball's movement in the air and can throw fastballs, change-ups and the always dangerous "middle speed" pitch. Batters can swing or bunt. Fielders automatically move into position, making that nice and painless. 

Depth: Plenty. You can customize up to six teams and then play them against each other in a league. The game tracks all the basic stats, sorry, no sabermetrics. The season length can range from full down to just five games and the glacial simulation screen must be doing a good job of making sure everything is realistically modeled.

Overall: This one's worth a second look.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Video Game Slush Pile: Super Play Action Football

Believe it or not there was a time when the yearly football release wasn't a numbered roster update with maybe one new and totally unwanted feature plus a slew of terrible new music. The year is 1992 and "You gots dat Madden?" has absolutely no meaning unless the person in question is referring to old Super Eight tapes of Oakland Raider games or something. Instead, the fun and accessible arcade gameplay of the Tecmo Bowl series was giving way to dull attempts to accurately simulate American Egg Ball, eventually paving the way for a dreary illegal monopoly to dominate the computerized gridiron. When Super Play Action Football came out, of course, that was still a distant nightmarish vision, as we all assumed that this Nintendo release, complete with Mario cameos and everything, was clearly the future of playing Joe Montana make-believe. How wrong we were became clear when we actually played this thing.

You are the Center!!!

Let's just come right out with this: the gameplay is worse than getting syphilis from a married woman. Everything moves like you're watching a slow motion replay or perhaps a slightly smoother new generation version of electronic football. The players chug along at a snail's pace, like they're up to their waist in wet mud. A simple running play can stretch on forever. Tackling is bizarre in that there's no sense at all of fighting to bring down the ball carrier. He either immediately goes down as if shot, or casually swats aside three hundred pound defenders with a "stiff arm" that looks like a slow (naturally) version of the windshield wiper dance.

So. Very. Slow.

Then you pass the ball and it rockets down the field to your plodding receiver, who you must awkwardly position on an "X" that marks the spot. The under-inflated pigskin is generally thrown right where the wide-out currently is, without any lead. Suffice it to say, interceptions are common for the computer. When your on defense defending a pass takes excellent timing and jumping at the wrong moment (pretty much the only way to deflect the ball) leads to huge gains.

Football's best rivalry comes to your Mario Box!

It's too bad the play control is so atrocious, since this an ambitious title for it's time. There's three modes, High School, College and Professional, which represent level of complexity rather than difficulty (there's two setting for that). Ironically, High School is probably the hardest, since you can't jump to defend passes and as such are almost completely helpless against them. On the other hand you get to choose your school's name and colors and do the same for your rival, an almost unheard of amount of customization. You don't even have to go online to do it!

College let's you choose from what I'm guessing is nearly ever Division 1A team, although there is no NCAA license. This isn't a problem when you're talking about "Wisconsin," "State of Michigan," or even Texas Lubbock," but becomes more of a problem when you want to play as "Windy Belts," "Moldy Moss," or "Pale." Sadly, Pale's Vine Division rival Starboard is not selectable. After choosing your school and accepting the goofy lawsuit preventing name (if necessary) you can pick an eleven game schedule. If the goal is realism you'll probably want to schedule eight of those games in your unmarked conference, but there's nothing stopping you from loading up on cupcakes (the manual even provides such a sample schedule for your convenience!). 

Speaking of the manual, there's actually two that come with the game. One is your standard "how to play" fare that also includes some nice background on the NCAA and NFL which is a nice feature that should have stuck around. The other is a complete playbook, breaking down all the plays. This rules. Contrast this to today's "online manuals" that are three electronic pages long and basically worthless. But hey, we saved a few trees!  

Better than the creation mode in Madden. Seriously.

Each week in Season Mode comes with a wacky headline and a Top 20 or NFL Standings. It's minimalist, but I kind of like it. Speaking of NFL, it plays a lot like the college game but with more plays, audibles and the ability to substitute players. Sorry, no names, but who isn't excited about the chance to control #9 or #23? The NFL season ends with the Super Bowl, while College lets you choose which Bowl invitation to accept, sure to please anyone who ever dreamed of Violet Bowl glory.

There's a few cut-scenes during the game, most notably replays on a big screen surrounded by human units of varying levels of ridiculousness. There's a ten second half time show, a stats screen and a talking referee  that pushes the non-blast processing to its absolute limits. Overall, it's a slick well-produced package on top of a bad game. Today we've evolved to an ad-ridden, unimpressive production on top of a serviceable game once you mess with sliders for several hours. This is progress.

These football guys are cah-ray-zee!!!

Graphics: We get one nice "mode seven" (it's SNES and therefore mandatory) effect where the ball is thrown right at you and caught at the last moment by disembodied hands. Other than that, not a lot of amazing 16 Bit goodness here. All the players look exactly identical, distinguished only by their uniforms. The ball is a polygonal mess.

Controls: The isometric angle takes a lot of getting use to and it's always a struggle. Your running backs run a twenty second forty. Passing is an exercise in frustration, with no passing icons for your players. A lot of the plays are basically worthless. I ended up relying on the same two or three plays, over and over. I could win like that, but it was a joyless experience.

Depth: The only thing this game got right, but man did it get it right. The full college experience, create your own High School, NFL season, massive playbooks, audibles, a spin move that always fails...it's all here. You've got to wonder what could have been if all this good stuff was attached to a worthy game. Instead this one is the answer to trivia questions.   

 Big opening!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Video Game Slush Pile: Aerobiz Supersonic

It's been seven months, I think it's time for another one these. Besides, today's slush pile represents everything that is right and pure about this concept. I'm talking about a rather obscure game that just so happens to be a lot of fun once you clear the initial hurdles of "bidding for slots is a major game element" and "you don't get to shoot nuffin'." The concept is tight, the historical realism is on point and the music is 16 bit bliss. How did this one end up at the bottom of a box?

For whatever reason I was both deeply into strategy games but largely lacking in the patience required to be successful in them when I was younger. Today, as a biological singularity that resembles a cross between James Bond and the guy from Altered Beast after two upgrades, I've learned to pay the dues necessary for fictional air line success. This slush pile is all about that amazing, feel-good story of the rite of passage that occurs when you learn that the fuel economy and repair needs of an imaginary jet plane matter more than whether or not its name and general shape are appealing to the eye.
 

"Can't wait to start leading my airline, bro!"

Before we actually start talking about the glory that was air travel before our schizophrenic war on evildoers began, there's one other point that needs to be made. I always thought it was strange that strategy games, especially ones that travel far afield from army builders, tend to be dismissed as having "limited appeal" while the unspoken corollary to this is that everyone loves the  newest "save often!" first person shooter mess. Then I discovered that game reviewers are more corrupt than a Moldovan parliament and pretty much got over it, but I just want to say that this myth needs to die, along with the tendency to mock something like Aerobiz to score points with some ill-formed mainstream. Bidding for slots is awesome, anyone who says otherwise is either hopelessly deluded or wicked.

Yes, bidding for slots. A significant portion of this game is spent in that activity, since you need to establish profitable routes around the world and this is done by negotiating for rights. You send one of your four "corporate warriors" out to do the dirty work. There's a surprising amount of depth here, as your corporate home base and world events will influence this activity or make it just plain impossible. For example, during the Cold War era don't expect your capitalist oppressors to be warmly received behind the Iron Curtain or vice versa. Your nationality will also effect what planes you can buy and how willing customers will be to fly on your airline. Definitely something to think about before you set up "Air Iran."

 Scowling Lady Liberty says "Hit the bricks."

Luckily it is possible to mend fences between competing ideologies by performing charitable tasks for international representatives that apparently can't tell the difference between private industry and government foreign aid. If you help these hat-in-hand sad sacks you're rewarded with improved relations. Yes, this means that if Pravda Airlines helps restore runways in Atlanta this token gesture will bring an end to decades of conflict and probably save millions of lives. Who knew that patching up tarmac in Hotlanta or Minsk could succeed where ping pong and Olympic boycotts failed. "As I was laying that tar, you started to change. And if you can change, we all can change."

Or really easy, depending on how you want to look at it.

In addition to such corporate diplomacy, various other historical events occur, ranging from wars, oil shortages, the Olympic games and revolutions. It gives the game a sense of immersion that you wouldn't expect from something released in Japan under the incredibly catchy name "Air Management." There's also random events, including tourism booms, bad weather and worker strikes. 

Experts are worried that it might tip over.

You can play in four different eras, including the amazing "future" of 2000-2020. The middle two scenarios are the most entertaining, since the early scenario finds you mostly using prop planes instead of the jets you're supposed to switch to and the speculative scenario centers on the gimmick of supersonic flight, as impractical in this game as it was in real life. I give the designers a lot of credit for conceding this, especially with "supersonic" in the title. A wonderful future of sonic booms just isn't in the cards, sorry. 

How do you win? In many ways you win the moment the game starts, since you've been promoted to CEO. Sure, the airline might fail, but you're certainly lining your own pockets, so who cares, right? Well, if you do care, you must become the #1 airline in a set number of regions, beating out three opponents. While this is the goal, it's somewhat misleading, since the big money is made by flying between regions and you'll need that steady profit to eventually dominate the shorter flights. Each scenario gives you twenty years to meet this victory condition. Sadly there is no sandbox "play forever" mode, but the limited scope lends urgency.

The game also lets you purchase businesses, hold riveting board meetings (Yes, I would like to direct the topics!) set various budgets and indulge all your non-sexual airplane fantasies. Yes, you too can ask the opinions of your underlings and then perform a complete emotional meltdown after hearing their lame advice. Then it's back to getting those slots or solving all the world's problems.

We're making mad Golden Ring Rubles.

I was able to beat this game fairly reliably on harder difficulties when based out of New York, London or a similar desirable hub. My current goal is to win the game as a Moscow airline in one the cold war scenarios, but so far haven't been able to do it. Again, can't fault that realism. 

Graphics: You mostly look at a map. It looks a lot like a map. There's also a goofy Mode Seven opening and a take-off sequence that plays when you start a new route, but this one is not about the visuals. 

Control: Once you figure out the goofy symbols, the interface is easy to use. This one would probably work better with a mouse, but the controller works well enough. 

Depth: It's a strategy game, so there's plenty. You get control over many aspects of your airline and can make adjustments to ticket prices, number of flights and what planes to use on individual flights. There's five difficulty settings, four players could play at once if you could somehow engineer an Aerobiz party and you can even watch the computer play itself. There are numerous hub cities to select as your headquarters and the game can change a lot based on this selection. The historical and speculative events are well done and the cities and planes seem accurate.

Overall: Please send me to bid for slots. I'm so ready!

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Parents Upset Over New Nintendo Console - Super Nintendo - Circa 1991

Are video games destroying lives? In 1991 the answer to that was "yeah, probably" as opposed to the "yes, definitely" of today. As the technology made another big jump forward from the rather basic Eighties games the world changed, perhaps irrevocably. Who better to document this tumultuous time in the history of something that really doesn't matter than local news reporters?

"Have things gone too far?" is the question we'll be addressing. Is "Pilotwings" creating a generation that will forsake wage and marriage slavery to obsess over gliders? Could the castrated SNES version of Mortal Kombat lead to real life crime? We better start with a therapist.

Yes, group therapy for Super Mario codependency. The therapist actually has the balls to ask "does this really have to cost this much" in reference to the games. Keep in mind she's probably charging each family $100 an hour and they don't even get a private session, instead having to air Johnny's embarrassing inability to beat Mario without warping despite near constant play to a bunch of equally troubled strangers. Our counselor suggests getting angry at "The Manufacturer" because assigning blame to outside agencies is always the first step to addiction recovery. Meanwhile a younger version of one half of Kid 'N' Play dominates the shot.

"You ain't going to no stinking (video game) party!"

The voice-over grinds in additional indignity, calling the victims "Nintenpendent." I'm sure they came up with that after hours of brainstorming, beating out other strong contenders like "Nintendopeheads" and "Junkies For Eight Bit Smack." Sadly this is the end of the therapy session so I can't give you much more help with your joystick problem, other than blaming capitalism, of course.

One woman suggests "peer pressure" is part of the issue. "You want to try some Bayou Billy, kid? Come on, all your friends are doing it."

We move on, suggesting that the number of vidiots in therapy and insane asylums will only increase with the new "Super Nintendo," priced at a staggering $200. Yes, kids, there was a time when two Franklins was considered an obscene sum to pay for a toy that hooks up to the moron box. Still, there will be "better pictures" or so we are told. 

The next generation of "picture" technology.

We have now reached the painful moment where the uncool, goofy news reporter actually tries to play these so-called "electric games." Making it less, or arguably more, painful is the fact that the magic of television shrinks down the reporter so it appears he's actually in the game! Naturally, he sucks at it.

Learn to play, newb.

We get the expected "I'm over 30 so am completely unable to adapt to any new or novel situation" complete with ironic remarks about "watching the road." He runs in reverse for awhile, which suggests an ignorance that runs deeper than unfamiliarity with electronic recreation. Has this guy ever seen a race? It really isn't that complicated.

We try a jump, but lacking the skill of a "nine or ten year-old" he promptly crashes. Game over, man.

"Tell my wife I love her."

Apparently there are resistors to this new era of "it was good for the time, but didn't age well" gaming. A woman explains that she'll tell her child that marketing is used to make you want things you don't need so they can get your money. Actual good advice without bombastic fear-mongering or finger-pointing? Hopefully this never catches on or everything our society is built on will come crashing down.

We finish by noting there's also something out there called "Sega," but I doubt they'll ever amount to much, even if some people prefer their "pictures." Yes, he says pictures again. I understand the average television viewer is unlikely to start the next scientific golden age, but do they really need to have everything explained in the simplest, most patronizing terms? It's not like we've got people putting kids into expensive and obviously worthless therapy for a harmless hobby...you know what, never mind.

The obligatory "Pac Man" reference and we're done.

Komment Korner

these parents did a lot of LSD in the 60s and they thought their kids were addicts

What a fucking joke, dont buy your kids the shit or better yet make them play outside.

Because Chrono Trigger's powerful storyline and smooth gameplay was specifically designed to make you spend money. Thank you, corny news corporation thingy. 

Lol yeah that was funny. He got owned.

Video mania? What about " Hair Mania" ??

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.