News You Can't Use: Driving Around With Your Music Blaring Could Now Get You Arrested in Miami Beach

Miami Beach police are cracking down on drivers blasting loud music from car stereos as they cruise around the city, part of a broader effort to address noise complaints and other disturbances in areas frequented by tourists.

In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that most of what I know about Miami comes from a Will Smith song and the time I was recruited by Thug U (this might not have actually happened). In any case, you better turn down Big Willie Style if you don't want to get in trouble with fascists who place the so-called "tourism industry" ahead of your inherent right to crank up that Bass Boy and/or Bass Cube.

Beginning this weekend, a special police detail will pull over cars for blaring music — and drivers who refuse to turn down the volume could wind up in handcuffs.

Expect lots of sovereign citizen videos where they explain to John Law that they're actually playing music and not "blaring" it and there's nothing the officer can do because it's not a commercial sound system, followed immediately by broken windows, tasing and being drug off in bracelets.

"We're going to afford violators in fairness one warning. After that they will be arrested and taken to jail," Miami Beach Police Chief Dan Oates told the City Commission on Wednesday evening.

If only this applied to all laws. "You get one free murder, but after that consider yourself on notice, pal."

Although a Miami-Dade County ordinance prohibiting cars from playing "unreasonably loud" music was already on the books, violators were not often arrested, said Miami Beach Police spokesman Ernesto Rodriguez.

There's also a law that allows cows to vote and one that forbids gambling on pinball, but don't expect any big comebacks with those.

A state law that enabled police to give drivers a ticket for loud music was struck down in 2012, leaving the county ordinance as the only legal tool for controlling the city's nighttime soundtrack.

We only have one lousy law when everyone knows you need thousands to keep society from descending into a savage battle royale.

For now, Miami Beach is starting with a small group of police officers tasked with patrolling for car noise violations, but the city plans to expand its efforts.

We're going to take everyone off arson, fraud and narcotics and move them to the "loud beats" division.

The loud thumping is not guaranteed to attract aspiring actresses.

"The goal is to have all of our officers citywide working and enforcing these types of violations and infractions."

Since there's no other crime, this should be easy.

All Miami Beach police officers should have a body camera by the end of May, Oates said, which will allow officers to record the warnings they give to drivers and document the volume of the music.

Well, at least they'll be forced to document this. Woofer Lives Matter.

The crackdown on cars playing loud music is one of a number of changes proposed by city officials. The City Commission is also considering a ban on scooter rentals during the month of March and on Memorial Day weekend.

This is terrible news, considering I already made a five figure payment on scooter rentals for March 2027, gambling that this investment would steadily gain value and I could then flip it for major profits.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner   

I don't want to hear the crap you play.

Competing with the axxholes? You might win.

Playing loud music in your car or your home is the ultimate selfishness

Filthy reprobates have destroyed every formerly nice neighborhood or town.

100% Agree.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Chicago Is Trying to Pay Down Its Debt by Impounding Innocent People’s Cars

As part of a new consumer advocacy format that I'll be switching to from now on, I'll be warning you, the unsuspecting future victim, about the various con games, shucks and trick bags out there. One of these is so-called "law enforcement" taking the cars of innocent (like a baby!) citizens to raise petrodollars for the debt doom spiral that we're currently in. At least it is according to something called "Reason dot com." Well, with a name like that, you know it's going to be nothing but sensible and impartial discussions of the big issues of our times, so let's dive right in and examine this unbelievable outrage.

On June 21, 2016, Chicago police pulled Spencer Byrd over for a broken turn signal. Byrd says his signal wasn't broken, but that detail would soon be the least of his worries. 

We noticed your turn signal was broken. It started flickering before you made that turn.

Ever since, Byrd has been trapped in one of the city's most confusing bureaucratic mazes, deprived of his car and his ability to work. He now owes the city thousands of dollars for the pleasure.

Soon to be a major motion picture, once we finish re-making every single existing movie.

Byrd, 50, lives in Harvey, Illinois, a corrupt, crime-ridden town south of Chicago where more than 35 percent of the populace lives below the poverty line.

Something tells my the Harvey tourism and development board did not sponsor this article.

He's a carpenter by trade, but until the traffic stop, he had a side gig as an auto mechanic.

This mechanical work? Just a little side hustle I do on the side before my YouTube channel of me eating and drinking anything and everything takes off.

Byrd says he's been fixing cars "ever since I was 16 years old and blew my first motor." Sometimes he did service calls and would give clients rides when he couldn't repair their cars on the spot.

He's basically the second best carpenter to ever live, in case it wasn't clear enough.

On this early summer night, Byrd was giving a client, a man he says he had never met before, a ride in his Cadillac DeVille.

It's pretty common practice for off-the-books fake mechanics, ask anyone.

Police pulled both of them out of the car and searched them. Byrd was clean, but in his passenger's pocket was a bag of heroin the size of a tennis ball.

Maybe that's why the car was impounded and not the broken turn signal? I know, it's a wild thought, but please consider it, "Reason."

The two were hauled off to the precinct house.

They got pitched in the jug, man.

Byrd had run afoul of Chicago's aggressive vehicle impound program, which seizes cars and fines owners thousands of dollars for dozens of different offenses. 

All you have to do is get caught with a significant amount of heroin and this insane program runs wild. Stop the madness!

It impounds cars even when the owner isn't even driving, like when a child is borrowing a parent's car.

I'm not driving, I'm traveling. Under the Articles of Confederation you have no authority here. Traffic laws aren't really laws. Am I being detained? Am I free to go?

In total, Chicago fined motorists more than $17 million between March 2017 and March of this year for 31 different types of offenses, ranging from DUI to having illegal fireworks in a car to playing music too loud, according to data from the Chicago Administrative Hearings Department.

Yes, fines for minor things like drunk driving. Your outrage is totally justified.

About $10 million of those fines were for driving on a suspended license, and more than $3 million were for drug offenses like the one that resulted in the impoundment of Byrd's car. 

In a Libertarian Society this wouldn't have happened. Mainly because everything would collapse into a chaotic and violent state of nature, but still, it wouldn't happen.

The city says it is simply enforcing nuisance laws and cracking down on scofflaws. But community activists and civil liberties groups say the laws are predatory, burying guilty and innocent owners alike in debt, regardless of their ability to pay or the effect losing a vehicle will have on their lives.

The city made an argument based on six millennia of jurisprudence, but a guy that yells things at people in front of a Taco Bell doesn't agree.

"There's plenty of reason to be concerned that there's injustice being done to people who are mostly poor, people who aren't in a position to fight back," says Ben Ruddell, a staff attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Illinois. 

You must earn a certain minimum income before you can be arrested for something.

I should be allowed to blow through red lights because I'm poor.

"The city has been perpetuating an exploitative system, charging exorbitant fees in a way that it knows is likely to make it so folks never get their cars out of impoundment." 

Another injustice against the folks on God's green Earth.

Byrd calls his car his "livelihood," and he has been fighting for close to two years now to recover it. 

"I need that car to live!" Two years pass, is still alive.

The battle between Byrd and the governments of Cook County and the municipality of Chicago over his 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood DeVille, valued at $1,600, is a tangled story involving the drug war, the controversial practice of civil asset forfeiture, ailing city budgets, and the rapacious use of fines and fees to generate city revenue. It's a story of how bureaucracy is used to grind down people by distributing their misery among as many public offices as possible.

No, really, we're impartial arbiters of true wisdom and the best solutions for society.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

'No nothing' is the same as 'something'... Gotcha!

The sole purpose of government is to rob its citizens.

I'm pretty sure the battery is dead now to boot. 

I doubt the Chicago unemployment rate is 4500%.

Now that is how you Kafka!
 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: Judge Doesn't Take Sovereign Citizen’s Nonsense

We've seen the traffic stops, but what happens afterward, when delusional sovereign citizens must face the fair and speedy trial? This is an important question that deserves a through answer, but instead I'm going to review a two and a half minute video and consider the matter closed. In today's subject, a citizen resistor confronts a judge (and some lesser civil servants who go uncredited) and discovers there's a lot less patience to be had in this environment than on the shoulder of some interstate after you drove your "flat earth" truthing "property" without a license plate because of freedom.

Anyways, our Free Man of the Land is already stirred up when the amazing footage begins, yelling "Insubordination!" at a bailiff because that's a logical thing to do. I don't think that word means what you think it does. The heroic beardo continues, blasting the state employee for letting down the public trust. I guess that all happened (and rest assured, it's no doubt legitimate) before this particular video began. We can only speculate over the usurpation that occurred. Asking him to take his hat off? Who knows.

Another individual enters, mumbling about the imminent arrival of the judge. This is like a top-quality stage play, full of bravura performances and challenging themes, to say nothing of the champion tier dialogue. "Am I Being Detained," a critically acclaimed single act avant-garde inquisition into freedom and responsibility. After some heavy silence while the new arrival walks over to his mark, our sovereign asks the assembled trope of low-level authorities if they want to make any "counter-claims." You really don't understand this whole "legal system" thing.

It is the bright day that brings forth the adder

And that craves wary walking. Crown him that,

And then I grant we put a sting in him

That at his will he may do danger with.

We're then told that "failure to answer is consent." There's so much wrong with this statement and so many troubling implications, I'm not sure where to begin. Believe it or not, it turns out that, legally, a lack of a response can never be interpreted as an agreement to something, but on the other hand you can just make things up as you go. The millennial Perry Mason, everyone. The last hope of a free and fair society makes passive-aggressive comments about the literacy of the court employees and then just reads the nonsense out loud anyway. Suffice it to say, we get some garbled legalese that doesn't actually confer anything resembling a lucid meaning. The court room is like a wizard battle, just shout the magic words you don't understand and then you win.

 Am I being summoned? Am I free to go?

The babbling concludes with a "Do you agree?" paired with a lean-in of anticipation. Honestly, this is fake dinner theater I'm watching, right? Believe it or not, agreement is not obtained from the well-fed tool of the fascist regime we live under. Instead, he saunters past, the bright yellow hilt of the taser clearly visible. Anton Chekhov would be proud of this high-quality foreshadowing.

We get some fairly standard issue "I do not consent!" which is pretty bizarre, considering no one has made any request of the Article Four Inhabitant, but again, you want to check all the boxes. Let's discuss municipalities! Before this can turn into a thrilling Sunday morning local politics show, however, our hero demands to know who the "gatekeeper" is. Legal drama or high fantasy, it's a lot harder to tell the difference than you might initially expect.

What the hell are you talking about, cartoon from 2010?

Next it's time to question the "venue." John Grisham, eat your heart out and move over. It turns out we're in Oklahoma, so maybe this should've been a musical. Anyway, the judge is here and it's time for the "all rise" tyranny that any non-slave must reject. "I object!" You know, maybe watching half an episode of "Matlock" after taking krokodil didn't really adequately prepare you for this. The judge starts laying down the suppression. Who does this guy think he is, God? Far out, man.

The Sovereign Citizen is promptly arrested. I know, who could have predicted? In fine literary propriety, the shock gun is deployed just as the video ends.

Komment Korner   

lol dang where is the rest of the video. I want to see the camera guy get beat up to

He's in court no doubt for failing to a provide his drivers license during a routine traffic stop, probably got one of his windows smashed as well.

I can't believe those servants did that to a sovereign citizen! He even gave them a lawful order to stand down and they refused!!

It's ever so much fun when they get tased! :)

Mans that's some concentrated crazy right there

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Driver Strips Naked, Dances in Street After Causing 5-Vehicle Pileup

A wild crash involving at least five vehicles in Westland ended Tuesday with a man getting out of his car and taking off his clothes, officials said.

Massive automobile pile-up and the attendant loss of life? Boring. Someone is undressing? Better give this our full attention.

The five-car pileup happened at Wayne and Warren roads. One person was taken to the hospital for treatment, but officials said there were no serious injuries.

No one hurt in "wild" crash. Seems legitimate.

Police said a pickup truck came barreling down Wayne Road and plowed into vehicles. After the crash, the driver got out of the pickup truck and got naked, police said.

There just aren't enough synonyms to really do this justice without slipping into tired cliches. Maybe say the pickup was "ripping ass" down Wayne Road and then "completely merged with the existing wreckage." I don't know, this is harder than it looks.

Officials said the man stripped all his clothes off and started dancing in the street.

When I realized I had cheated death, the stripping and dancing felt so real, man.

"He stands up and starts getting naked," witness Derek Waldman said. "I said, 'Wow man.'"

I mean, whoa dude. What are you doing? That sure is something. Far out.

"He threw all his clothes off, saying, 'I'm fine, I'm fine,' to the police," witness Ghazi Khalaf said. "He tried eventually running away, but the cops eventually got him, kneeled and handcuffs, then he got taken away."

This entire interaction took about six hours.

The driver is still in custody as police try to determine why he was acting so erratically.

This might be the toughest case yet for The New Sherlock Holmes. 

 Why haven't you bought my book yet? Buy my book.

One of the drivers involved was an elderly woman whose car was completely smashed, but she managed to get out through the passenger's side, police said.

The car was completely smashed, you could have fit what remained in a manila folder. Grandma crawled out, totally unhurt.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

I have been a paramedic for almost 2 decades. Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) is known to cause such erratic behavior as well.

Hi! How are you?...Remember me from FYPC?

I remember someone else.

he must have Allstate
 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Choose Your Own Adventure #25: Prisoner of the Ant People

The last time we dusted one of these off, back around Halloween, I took over the role of Batman and defeated an attempt by the Riddler to pull off some funny business at the Federal Reserve that had nothing to do with the massive crimes those real life financial super villains commit on a daily basis. Meanwhile, the timeline for completing the Choose Your Own Adventure series has been altered from "I'll still be doing this in my nineties" to "I'll still be doing this 10,000 years from now, in hell." The last review was in 2016, for crying out loud. Honestly, I'm trying my best, the difficulty in acquiring some titles and the curse of having so many brilliant ideas that there isn't time to properly address them all have taken a heavy toll, but here we go again.

  Those aren't Ant People, they're just huge ants.

The cover promises all sorts of crazy adventure, but it also contains the name "R.A. Montgomery," so it would probably be wise to temper those expectations. Let's dig in. I'm maxing and relaxing in my "living sphere," a perfect futuristic environment that can create holographs for my own amusement. Yes, the coolest thing from Star Trek: The Next Generation was actually stolen from a forgotten entry in a wildly uneven series. Anyway, I decide to get up into a Greek villa, but there's no time for this sensory onanism: an emergency is occurring. 

It turns out I'm part of something called "Zondo Group." Instead of being the bottom line, it's a wussy three-entity (myself, a robot and a martian) science squad dedicated to fighting someone called "The Evil Power Master." Besides bad branding, this worthy is apparently busy disintegrating matter in blatant violation of the law of conservation of such. Around here we obey the trite rules of the universe I learned in Middle School, so it's time to use reason and hippy idealism and certainly not direct violence to stop the destruction of our precious vital atomic structure.   

Not to be confused with the "Zombie Squad." This movie also cured my near-fatal "missed Rambo" disease.

This isn't to imply that I'm not kind of bitchy about this whole enterprise. I totally am, but the R2-D2 ripoff Rendox-Oll assures me in goofy half-poetic language that we must stop the coming annihilation of everything that matters. The third member of the team, a green-skinned Martian (Yeah, really) named "Flppto" is somewhat more fatalistic about the possibility of total physical annihilation, wondering what would happen, as if dying in this fashion would be some kind of fun adventure and not the most horrific possible fate made reality.

More robotic freak-outs follow, as we're told that another research team has vanished. Flppto's heartless reaction is basically "Oh well, can't mourn forever," earning the disapproval of the floating trash can who makes that "Lost in Space" bot look like a model of dignified self-control. Also, some other team is missing, too. Just keep raising the stakes, I guess. This is the heart of quality drama. It's also a cheap device to offer up the first choice, but after several pages of exposition it's welcome, one way or another.

The new, edgier re-boot.

I decide to "keep watch" while the rest of the team does the searching. This cowardly pragmatism is likely to be rewarded, right? I even quote one the rules demanding that someone stay behind at all times, like I'm a lawyer or something. Our hero. Naturally, this causes my robo-buddy to go nuts, declare that rules can be broken and then zap it's organic teammates with a "purple ray." Time to kiss the sky. 

As you probably already assumed, the friendly mechanical assistant is actually a "warrior ant" in disguise, shedding his lame and uninspired steel facade to reveal this deception. This is followed by villainous bragging, where the ant militarist declares the superiority of his species, our total defeat and even claims his fellow Formicidae have captured the Evil Power Master and what we thought was the real threat is now merely a puppet of creatures that ruin picnics.

Faced with this outrage, I exert will to try to resist the pacification ray. It's weak, but it's better than the other choice, which involved begging for mercy from a creature with acid blood and a hive mind. Somehow this works. We're almost done, let's just go with it. I blast the insect menace with a "pest eliminator" beam and the horrific monster that somehow successfully infiltrated a research station is completely defeated. Now to go find those missing teams, suggests an ending that really leaves us with a lot more questions than answers.

Seriously, there was a giant ant in that robot body the entire time? Really???

Hello, fellow Americans. I'm one of you, don't worry.

I actually thought this one was decent. Maybe taking a vacation of several dozen months has mellowed me on the whole R.A. Montgomery experience, but I'll take stupid and unbelievable over deary and patronizing, given those two options. Besides, disguised giant ant. That was really something. Wow.

You won this round, human, but the fight isn't over.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Study Uncovers Surprising Things about Squirrels

As the squirrel rotates a nut between its front paws, its brain is considering a variety of factors to reach the answer to a critical question: Do I eat this nut now, or do I store it for later?

As I rotate the obvious "Family Feud" joke response in my paws, my brain is considering a variety of factors. Do I go for the cheap obvious stuff right away, or store it for later? There are a variety of factors, as opposed to "many factors that are all the same, somehow," I guess.

That’s one of the conclusions of the most comprehensive study of the squirrels’ decision-making process – research that revealed that their behaviors are far more intricate than the casual observer realizes.

Look at you, Mr. Casual Punk Do-Wrong. Man, I bet you don't even realize how intricate the behavior of fluffy-tailed rats actually is, what with your appalling ignorance. You need to educate yourself.

An analysis of fox squirrels on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, by psychologist Mikel Delgado found that the rodents consider several variables when deciding whether to store food, or save it for later.

"I'm hungry, me eat now," but not even close to that level of complexity is now considered a variable by an academic con artist.

Squirrels assess the characteristics of food they find, such as its perishability and nutritional value. They also consider the availability of food at that time and the presence or absence of competitors.

Their entire lives revolve around incredibly basic food and mating issues, but if you want that research money you better "discover" something other than that.

“What’s cool is that these animals are solving problems right under our feet and most people don’t realize it,” said Delgado, whose Ph.D. dissertation was on the complexity of squirrel behavior.

It's really radical, bro-ham.

Delgado, a Maine native, said she has always been obsessed with animals and was interested in better understanding what they do instinctively in the wild. 

"Hey, remember that crazy squirrel girl from high school?" says a Pine Tree State Chad. "Yeah, you'll never guess what that psycho is up to now!"

She has a background in cognition, which deals with problem-solving, memory and thinking, and had worked with pigeons and zebrafish.

Feathered rats are apparently a lot less interesting.

She chose to study the larger fox squirrels, which are more comfortable in the open and therefore easier to observe, rather than the smaller gray squirrels, which prefer more cover.

That's racist.

To better understand how the squirrels make caching decisions, she conducted a series of experiments using basic equipment. For identification, squirrels were marked with a nontoxic dye that disappears with molting.

So cool it with your "animal rights" outrage, all right?

Undergraduate assistant Simon Campo spent 2 1/2 years helping the research lab. He said the different personalities of the squirrels sometimes made the field work challenging.

I was out-smarted by a rodent. Still, less embarrassing than the day I agreed to that student loan...

Caching food for future use is important for survival for all species when food is scarce. They use one of two strategies: larder hoarding or scatter hoarding.

These strategies are really fascinating...hey! Come back!

(EDITORS: BEGIN OPTIONAL TRIM)

Yes, this article is so bush league that a request to edit out several boring paragraphs about old Nutter Butter was not only ignored, but somehow kept in the finished product.

 Now here's something we hope you'll really like.

Delgado’s experiments were conducted in the summer and fall. Food is more abundant in the fall.

I can't believe my idiot editor wanted me to remove this elite tier prose. 

“It’s really interesting to see that different brains solve the same problem in different ways and that evolution is extraordinary for preparing brains to deal with what environmental conditions they live in,” MacDonald said.

A blind, aimless and incredibly wasteful imaginary process trusted with a zealot's faith by lying scientists "prepares" things.

While researchers previously thought squirrels use chunking, Delgado’s work was the first documentation of it.

I proved there was "chunking" reads the text on my Nobel Prize medal.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: A Third Of Millennials Aren’t Sure The Earth Is Round, Survey Finds

According to every high fructose corn syrup beverage commercial I've ever seen, the new, young generation is the best thing ever. They snort condoms, they eat Tide Pods, they're much wiser than the bad old people that ruined the world and they should be allowed to vote. It does take a special kind of delusion to believe that, but on the other hand they're rejecting the idea of Ball Earth, so maybe you should cool it with the cynicism. Yes, fully one third of Generation Nothing is denying something that was "settled science" three thousand years ago.

A new survey has found that a third of young millennials in the U.S. aren’t convinced the Earth is actually round. The national poll reveals that 18 to 24-year-olds are the largest group in the country who refuse to accept the scientific facts of the world’s shape.

If you have any optimism about the future, let me cure it for you.

YouGov, a British market research firm, polled 8,215 adults in the United States to find out if they ever believed in the “flat Earth” movement.

I don't want to alarm you, but a British content farm of trolls may have "hacked" our obscurantism movement.

Only 66 percent of young millennials answered that they “always believe the world is round.” Science teachers across the U.S. will be shaking their heads after learning that nine percent of young adults answered that they have “always believed” the planet was flat.

Shaking muh dawg-gone head: the generation.

Another nine percent said of young adults said they thought the planet was spherical but had doubts about it. In a disturbing display of indecision, 16 percent of millennials said they weren’t sure what the shape of the planet was.

I don't believe in anything and as such am immune to all criticism. You've probably never encountered this before and just got your little mind blown. What now, man? Now let me tell you how I don't support any political ideology. Far out.

Overall, only two percent of the respondents said they always thought the Earth was flat without any doubt. 

Get rid of those Columbus songs in our schools, they said. There won't be massive societal repercussions, they assured us.

Let's push staggering scientific illiteracy off the counter.

Income seemed to play a role in people’s beliefs as well. Ninety-two percent of adults making over $80,000 believed the Earth is round, compared to only 79 percent of adults making under $40,000. 

The "you're poor because you're dumb" theory gets more ammunition.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Colorado Rockies Home Opener Could Be Coldest In Franchise History

Today's important news item combines two all-time favorites: American Cricket and days when the amount of heat (or "cold" if you want to be wrong) is low. In fact, you could argue that it's barely even a story at all, but with the ruins of that Chinese space station having crashed back to Earth, there isn't a lot of compelling things to talk about, so let's humor the meteorologist and pretend that winter hanging around, as it often does, is completely fascinating.

Remember opening day for the Rockies last year? 

To be total honest with you, no I don't. Sorry.

It was mostly sunny with a high of 76°F!

The weather is warm and the sun is out!!! Wow!!!

This year’s home opener will be a stark contrast. In fact, it could end up being the coldest home opener in franchise history.

In all 23 years of the amazing and storied history of this for-profit baseball concern, this will be the lowest temperature. Just fascinating.

Friday’s forecast calls for a chance of rain and snow with a high somewhere around 40°F.

Hey, it wasn't my idea! Don't shoot the messenger!

Right now it looks like the rain and snow would start late Thursday and end late Friday morning which would be excellent timing since first pitch isn’t until 2:10 pm.

The freezing rain should stop in time for the "pitching," don't you worry your pretty little head.

It's a beautiful day for the old ball game.

Our fingers are crossed that nothing changes with the current timeline for precipitation! 

We've sacrificed 40 heifers to Zeus, now we can only hope.

Here is a list of high and low temperatures for opening day in Denver…

Seriously, that's what you get. Here's a selected portion, full of amazing information.

April 5, 2013 – High 72, Low 44 (beat Padres)
April 4, 2014 – High 52, Low 22 (beat Diamondbacks)
April 10, 2015 – High 64, Low 32 (beat Cubs)
April 8, 2016 – High 66, Low 34 (lost to Padres)
April 7, 2017 – High 76, Low 47 (beat Dodgers)

They beat the Dodgers, a loss I'm pretty sure that team never recovered from.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.