Wednesday, September 30, 2015

News You Can't Use: How 40,000 'Women' on Ashley Madison Shared Just Six Email Addresses

It's impossible to cheat an honest man and almost as difficult to cheat one that can control his post-marriage horny levels. Luckily, it appears that neither one of those categories represent a significant percentage of the male population, so we get the most obvious and embarrassing scams succeeding beyond even the wildest expectations of their scumbag creators. When you have a brain and a penis, but not enough blood to use them both at once, it's perhaps forgivable that you thought KinkyYoungLuVKittAN301848484 was a real person genuinely interested in joining you for role-playing, adult baby and generally being the two bits on the side. Sadly, it appears that much like winning those Irish lotteries and becoming Nigerian royalty it's just another shuck.

A data scientist has uncovered what he says is proof that Ashley Madison created tens of thousands of fake accounts to dupe members into paying for its services, in a scheme that would have almost doubled the website's revenue.

Yes, we needed a "data scientist" (That's the best kind!) to figure out that this online sword fight wasn't completely on the level when it came to attractive low virtue married women. And it doubled the revenue! You hear that 1-900 meet-up line that advertises during pro wrestling at 1 in the morning? That's the way you do it.

According to statistics seen by Daily Mail Online, 40,000 profiles were set up on the affair site using just six email addresses owned by the website's operators on two separate days.

This was someone's job. "I want you to create 40,000 profiles, all full of unique and believable content, in the next two days. Don't worry, after that's done you're on easy street as the dirtbag in a sexually unfulfilling marriage coin pours in."

It follows claims in previous reports that the extra-marital dating network tried to hide around 100,000 of these so-called 'engager' profiles – sometimes referred to as Ashley Angels - from users, so they believed they were talking to real people.

I just paid for five minutes of simulated infidelity with a profile created by a sixty year old man and using old pictures of Jenny McCarthy. I deserve the worst and, apparently, am going to get it.

If true, this means the real number of 'available' women was drastically reduced, while the website's monthly revenue was almost doubled by the 'engagers', as members have to pay to read their online messages.

Number science has estimated the amount of so-called "real" women at 0, with a small margin for error.

Out of 32million members before the website was hacked, 26.5million were men and just 5.5million women.

It's so exciting see my two favorite things, sleaze and statistical demographics, coming together in such a wonderful and unexpected fashion.

Around 700,000 of these women are said to have been looking for lesbian affairs.

So me no launch pocket rocket, ugh, ugh.

Therefore, if the 100,000 'fembots' are included, there would have been only 4.7million women looking for extramarital relationships with men.

These are not the good kind of "fembots" like in West World.

Jeremy Bullock, the chief data scientist at a UK-based technology firm, said he was suspicious of Ashley Madison’s recruitment methods, so searched through the data released by hackers last month looking for anomalies.

I was just doing "research!" Honest!

Looking closely at the data, he found only six email addresses had been used to generate a total of around 40,000 'fake' women. One of these was host@almlabs – another IP address owned by Avid Life Media. 

I'd call this an outrage, but if you voluntarily entered this pit of spiritual sludge you deserved whatever happened.

He added: ‘I believe that this data shows that despite Ashley Madison’s protestations to the contrary, member generation was going on at a industrial scale and that there is a clear trail of evidence leading back to the company.’ 

We must put a stop to the simulated adultery fembot industrial complex.

My unbelievable wit and charm will impress all the robot ladies!

According to documents seen by Daily Mail Online they received generic messages such as 'are you online' to create the illusion a woman was trying to start a conversation with them.

Yeah, that's how women talk all right.

This means some members supposedly paid up to $290 to interact with someone who didn’t actually exist.

Nearly one-third large to be asked about your "online" status by a bot. Our government gets better deals on hammers and light bulbs.

This has prompted two lawsuits in California and Maryland by men who think they were deliberately deceived.  

"I just wanted to engage in illicit activity like any good American. Give me money." When bad things happen to bad people we need a legal remedy.

Ashley Madison, which has denied creating the bots, has failed to respond to numerous requests from Daily Mail Online for comment.  

Admit nothing, refuse all interview requests, hide from this a online smut merchant or the Hillary Clinton campaign?

One of the accounts, under the name Sensuous Kitten, was listed as the 11th member of Ashley Madison.

Seems legit.

Komment Korner  

So that fashion model who liked football and who owned a pub was fake?

Men are so dumb

Yeah. I went on a date with an Ashley Madison affair-woman. I became suspicious of their business model when I got to the restaurant and all there was at my table was a life sized cardboard cutout of a woman. She was lovely, but her personality was so flat that I didn't even take her home with me. I cancelled my membership the next morning.

It amazes me that more people haven't figured out that we live in the Age of the Scam.

WELL, Now we KNOW what kind of BOTS they are - we are just negotiating PRICE!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, September 25, 2015

News You Can't Use: Billionaire Steyer Calls for More Democratic Debates

Great news everyone, Rich Uncle Pennybags has noticed that zero Democrat debates have occurred and he wants more. The even better news, if that first sentence didn't already get you into a lather, is that this should be no problem since, if you want to get super technical, it would be impossible to have fewer debates than the current goose egg. And who doesn't love a good argument between the heir presumptive and some elderly sixties leftovers? Yes, as usual a billionaire who did some sort of capital management that you wouldn't understand and would be appalled and enraged if you did has shown us all the way.

Billionaire Democratic donor Tom Steyer on Friday afternoon called on the party to add another debate focused on climate change and clean energy, adding his voice to a pitched disagreement over the number of Democratic debates.

Yeah, that would be exciting, watching everyone agree that climate change is real and we need more clean energy. Who can shout the affirmative the loudest, this is the big test before we hand you the reigns of the world's only remaining Super Power.

Wait, we got downgraded from that? Something, huge debts, something, China? Oh, never mind then.

Steyer, an environmentalist who is one of the party’s major financiers and who already hosted a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton, said he wants the debate to occur before the Iowa caucuses in February.

Is his support for one of the candidates a conflict of interest or have we all stop carrying about "rules?"

“Since the candidates — and the Democratic Party — understand that climate change is our greatest threat, they must allow voters the opportunity to hear a thoughtful and robust discussion — not just a single question — about their plans to solve this issue,”reads the release put out by Steyer’s group, NextGen Climate.

Several thrilling hours of agreeing on everything but ultimately meaningless minutia and discussing wind farms, bicycling everywhere, solar power success stories like Solyndra...good seats still available. 

But the DNC showed no willingness to budge on Friday, instead suggesting that Steyer could host a candidate forum, not a debate.

You can do an autograph session and maybe some gimmick tables but nobody wants a thoughtful and robust discussion of anything, let alone alternate energy and eliminating the flush toilet and automobile for anyone with a net worth less than $1,000,000,000.

Bernie Sanders has also urged the DNC to add more debates, while Clinton — who Steyer has not formally endorsed — has simply said she is open to participating in more.

As long as they don't conflict with the court dates, of course.

Later I'll show you this clock I took apart.

Steyer, whose wallet would be significant to any presidential candidate, recently praised Clinton over her opposition of the Keystone XL pipeline. 

We want your wallet, not your wet-brain single issue fixations.

The first Democratic debate is currently set for October 13 in Las Vegas.

What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, hopefully. 

Komment Korner  

How can one be so, so rich and yet so, so stupid? 

I've­­­­­ made ­­­­­$84,000­­­­­ so­­­­­ far­­­­­ this­­­­­ year­­­­­ working­­­­­ online­­­­­

go back to china, Uzbekistan, or wherever you are...

Sanders isn't a socialist. He's a democratic socialist. 

I'd like to see Hillary and the ancient commie go at each other with whips and cattle prods.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

News You Can't Use: Obese to Wear Waist Sensors for Federal Study

Despite the seemingly endless run of that fat camp television show we've still got a big (haw haw) problem with obesity in America. Somehow watching food victims waddle up stairs to a giant scale for forty-five advertisement riddled minutes has done little to change the gorging and lazing habits that represent the closest thing we have to a shared national vision. Fortunately, our government is on the case and we've all seen their track record of success. We're going to attach sophisticated sensors to people with real bodies not like those Hollywood sticks and will, presumably, get real-time "Are you allowed to have a jelly doughnut?" updates or something.

The National Science Foundation (NSF) is spending $1.7 million to monitor how and what obese families eat, tracking their eating via sensors they wear on their waists.

I guess we could just ask them, but you know how physical and moral failure walk arm-in-arm, so sensors must be deployed. Who is agreeing to this? "Hey fat boy, how would you like to wear an electronic device on your bloat that will document your pathetic lack of self-control?" Who could say no to that?

The research, conducted by the University of Southern California (USC) and the University of Virginia, began this month. Families will be monitored for months at a time. Man, that ain't working, you do the research at the Uni-verse-it-tee. That's the way to do it, grants for nothing and unearned respect for free. Let me tell, them guys ain't dumb. Maybe get a blister on your sensor finger, maybe get some chocolate stains on your thumb. What's that? Obesity studies? He's banging on a table like a chim-pan-zee.

A leading researcher on the project said the study is a “novel” approach to fighting childhood obesity.

Yeah, I suppose that's one way to describe this massive waste of time and money that might, if we get lucky, reveal that obese individuals take in more calories than they expend.

“Recent advances in remote sensing have provided a new paradigm for tracking human behavior, but obesity-related efforts focused directly on diet and activity have been hampered by not only the accuracy of behavior tracking (especially dietary intake) but also the lack of behavioral theories and dynamic models for personalized just-in-time, adaptive interventions (JITAIs),” according to a grant for the project. 

Let's try to parse this word swamp into vernacular English. "The rise of big brother and 'we are the dead' technology is giving us new ways to treat people like lab rats but when it comes to fatties [impenetrable and meaningless academic babble] so please give us money." Sorry, that was the best I could do.

“Current behavioral science suggests that family eating dynamics (FED) have high potential to impact child and parent dietary intake and obesity rates.”

LOL., FED amirite? USC and Virgina, master trolls messing with old Uncle Sucker.

The project will use wearable wireless sensors to track the family’s eating habits, in the hopes of bring about “behavior modification.”

We'll play some Beethoven, show you a video of someone eating a cake and inject drugs that make you physically ill.

Maybe sensors could help explain it.

The project, dubbed M2FED, is using a system of “in-home beacons, wireless and wearable sensors, and smartphones” to collect real time data of what the research subjects are eating. 

Everyone staring into tiny electronic devices is fixing every other aspect of our society so it makes sense to deploy it here.

USC has received $1,047,961 so far for the project. The University of Virginia received $689,315.

Thanks taxpayers!

“It is a pretty ambitious project, but the data that we accrue will be absolutely novel and informative,” she said. “We are going to learn many new things with this proposal about how family systems function dynamically around food and eating, and how this impacts eating behavior.”

Think of the "most of it actually gets into the mouth instead of flying off as crumbs" breakthroughs we'll be making!

Spruijt-Metz’s Obesity Research and Mobile Health Lab at USC uses technology to develop “culturally sensitive, evidence based approaches to promote health behavior change.”

It's like solving the world's hardest mystery, while walking on eggshells to avoid offending anyone.

Spruijt-Metz is also leading a $1,131,922 study for the National Institutes of Health that turned First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House garden into a video game.

Escape the Witch's Garden of Evil before she can seize our beloved grease food! Dodge foul-tasting "nutritious" government meals and earn big points for grabbing those yummy cheeseburgers!

Don't visit the ad-intensive source:

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

Which Way Books #5: Lost in a Strange Land

This was supposed to be the long-awaited (well, in my own imagination, anyway) read-through of Choose Your Own Adventure #13, but this R.A. Montgomery non-classic was apparently shipped in a solar powered sugar glider or the like and failed to arrive. And this was after I decided to settle for the pathetic reissue and not pony up a hundred or so dollars for a box of ashes or whatever "acceptable" condition actually means. It's just not meant to be, so might as well stay in the Which Way Books rut I've been digging with all the speed and precision of a glacial valley. R.G. Austin drivel in the hand is worth a lot more than R.A. Montgomery communism in the bush, after all.

The above b.s. is the best and only cover image online. 

As per tradition most of the actual creative and, let's be honest here, legitimate effort is expended in the opening. I'm summering in the Pacific Northwest where I've acquired the habit of exploring "lava tubes" in the ample free time this set-up provides. Yes, this was parenting in the eighties. "Go explore the volcano holes, Timmy. If you're not back for dinner we'll assume you were melted like a flesh candle or otherwise killed horribly. Have fun!" 

Not surprisingly this dangerous hobby leads to trouble, but perhaps not what you'd expect (can't breathe, so hot, it was all worth it, etc.). Instead another hollow earth plot kicks in as I fall through a crumbling floor and plunge into darkness. Reverse gravity kicks in and after hours of gentle floating (that does sound pretty righteous) I land softly in front of a sign (!) warning, in English, that I'm about to enter bizarre worlds full of all manner of fantasy cliches and general "What's up with THAT?" Forewarned by this convenient and non-suspension of disbelief damaging advice, it's time for a patented, choice that is. 

 "Mantle" and "Outer Core" are establishment propaganda, man.

The choice is basically a three-headed coin toss, since there's no hints to distinguish Alpha, Beta and Gamma World from each other, apart from my preexisting knowledge that being the Alpha is b.s. I'll let the lucky Maryland quarter split the difference, Maryland it is, so off to Gamma. I walk through mist for awhile and arrive at a golden gate. Yes, it's time to gatecrash heaven. How long can I last before the deception is noticed?

There's a garden beyond the gate, which I just walk right through without incident. Hey, those two sentences that make up an entire page of this book still have value, just not in terms of advancing the plot or providing anything resembling artistic prose. Anyway, there's a banquet table covered in food and a tree, so I decide to tuck into some of that.

I was on a beach and boozing at the same time...such misadventures!

After getting the old eat, sleep and shelter on, I get a wake-up call from the tree, which apparently can both talk and vomit out exposition regarding a cyclops that used to visit but is now very much into his gold. With Greco-Roman mythology effectively destroying the Garden of Eden allusions there's also a reference to a "fairy queen" but this book pretty much had me at "cyclops." Can't wait to go all Odysseus on the old one-eyed monster.

A short walk later and there's a giant with one eye. "This must be the cyclops." Honestly, between this observational brilliance and my love for lava tube exploration I've really got a bright future ahead. All this heavy duty processing of information leads to being picked up by the dangerous giant and there's a short debate over whether I'd be a "tasty morsel" or impossibly dry and stringy, with my position in this great debate being the latter. 

Unfortunately, this only makes the monster decide to put me on a weight gain diet until I'm sufficiently plump and succulent. Insisting that I "only eat junk food" (Nationality: American) proves useless as somehow this creature from legend has plenty of burgers, fries and other delicious left arm tinglers right there. Oh well, might as well dig in.

I hope the point I'm making isn't too subtle.

Suffice it to say, I use clever trickery worthy of the Hero of Ithaca to get the cannibalistic offspring of Poseidon addicted to the junk food (It's so good, try it!). This eventually puts the bestial abomination into a food coma, while I've meanwhile "lost weight" and can slip between the bars of the cage it was using as a reverse fat camp prison. I take the gold and start thinking of all the amazing charity work I'm going to do with it (Yeah, really) and, presumably, somehow escape this incredible world of barely reheated tales of wonder.

Maybe being denied the R.A. Montgomery lectures I was anticipating put me in a receptive mood, but I actually thought this one was decent. Sure, it was just various well-established elements awkwardly combined but it was painless enough and even delivered a heavy-handed "Knock it off, carb-face!" message. By Which Way Books standards this is high praise. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

News You Can't Use: US Air Force Threatens to Destroy Property Next Door to Area 51 After Owners Refuse to Sell

It's not easy living next to Area 51, what with the alien autopsies, families of dangerous mutants, air planes flying over your house occasionally and all the other crazy ideas about this forbidden zone I've cobbled together from heavy metal music videos, late night radio broadcasts and awful remakes of classic movies. It appears this "not easy" is about to be upgraded to "impossible" (I already have a copyright on "Pimping is Impossible" so don't get any ideas) thanks to the latest attempt by our government to dislodge a family, presumably of the non-mutant variety, from this national blind-spot.

They've been bombed, shot at, and intimidated for 60 years. But the Sheahans don’t want to give up their land to the “neighbours from hell.” 

"Yup, Air Force done dropped this hee-ah bomb on our house. We ain't movin' and we ain't taken no charity, no suh." You would think a very brief carpet bombing campaign would be enough to defeat a residential neighborhood and you'd be correct, but please, accept these tall tales from the citizen rebels that aren't about to see their home become a storage building for dead space invaders.

Located in the Nevada Desert, the military base officially known as “The Nevada Test and Training Range” borders on the Sheahan’s property, which has been in the family since 1889.

Military prototypes and other high tech devices related to national security? Yeah, right. We all know you're holding Big Foot and possibly the original non-Coca Cola Santa Claus in there, just admit it.

The family’s allegations range from illegal government searches and checkpoints to military jet attacks on the mine and a devastating cancer cluster that has seen the premature deaths of several members. 

Great, now when I'm playing my video game on a plane the guy next to me will be yelling for me to shoot the "cancer cluster" instead of the hell-fire missiles.

But the final straw — and the one that drove the Sheahans to end an extraordinary six decades of silence — came last month when the US Air Force (USAF) gave them an ultimatum: sell up for $5.2m or watch it seized and destroyed for free.

"We finally figured out that, because we're the government and own everything under the Removal of Freedoms Act, we could just demand the property instead of beaming in cancer or using the experimental weather control device to drive them out."

The family turned them down, claiming the offer was less than half the true value of the land and didn’t come close to compensating for Area 51’s legacy of disease and lost livelihood.

This property contains a valuable mineral pyrite mine, lots of blasted wasteland and several different shrubs. 10 million, minimum.

Last week, USAF filed a lawsuit seeking to have the property condemned to speed up acquisition. If successful, the Sheahans will be left with nothing.

Lawyers: worse than disease rays or air force strafing runs.

“We want them to know what they have done over the last 60 years to our family is not acceptable.”

"I blam mah Eee Dee on dem foo fat-er tacks."

The USAF says it wants the land because, after decades of escorting family members in and out of the highly-restricted space, it can no longer ensure their safety.

Yeah, a likely story. We know you're pure evil, nice try though.

But Joe Sheahan told CNN that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Let's have a nice, rational and unbiased discussion of how germ warfare killed your cattle and Soviet ghosts are keeping you up at night.

“What they really want to buy is our property, our access rights and our view."

We must close the "view gap" with our Russian "friends" before it's too late.

Deploy the eminent domain lawyers.

The family’s Facebook page describes them as “ardent patriots” who have tried to be “flexible to the requirements of Area 51”. 

Be sure to like and comment! Subscribe to my youtube channel. Follow me on twitter! Etc. Please die modern world.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

News You Can't Use: There WAS Life on Mars but 'Catastrophic' Event Wiped it Out, Scientist Says

Gather round children, it's time to hear a fairy tale about things that happened long ago and far away, as told by the highly educated version of Mother Goose. Certainly the multiple advanced degrees will contribute to quality "just so" stories, or at least you would expect that. Let's tear into this speculation about things that might have happened, presented as set-in-stone fact, at least for the time being. Science is on the case, friends, and that should at least be good for a few chuckles and rueful shakes of the head before we're done here.

Life probably did start on Mars, but a catastrophic event must have completely wiped it out, a scientist has claimed.

The new scientific method. Step One: make some lazy observations or at least skim through what someone else observed. Step Two: Come up with various "Well, this seems plausible and doesn't appeal to any divine authority" just-so stories. Step Three: Big money, stories in British online news sources, horny co-ed debt victims breaking down the office door, etc.

Lewis Datrnelll, a UK Space Agency research Fellow, believes early microscopic forms of life may well have formed on Mars billions of years ago, but a major environmental event later made the Red Planet completely inhospitable even to the single-celled organisms that may have formed.

Believe in the possibility of microbes. If you have enough faith, poured enough money into the university swindle and are pure of heart it will become true. Also we butchered this guy's name, but it's understandable considering how exciting this all is.

Mr Dartnell, who is also author of The Knowledge: How to Rebuild our World from Scratch, a New York Times and Sunday Times best-selling book explaining how to rebuild society in the event of an apocalypse, said: "Something catastrophic has gone wrong on Mars environmentally."

We'll use the same nihilism, materialism and spiritual cancer that led to the apocalypse to rebuild society in our caves and mole-holes! Best seller!

He said the only life that would have developed before that would have been singled celled - "only the bacteria you would see under a microscope" - but whatever happened wiped out its chance of evolving into more complex creatures.

You can't see it because it's invisible and magical, but it was there, just trust me on this one. Then, because of original bacteria sin a great cataclysm occurred and the land was cursed forever.

He said: "The atmosphere has been blown into space. It is too cold and dry for any life now.

A wizard might have done that, we don't know.

"There were never any multi-celled life forms, animals or plants. The myths of canals on Mars will forever remain that."

If I lived 150 years ago I'd probably be promoting the canal myth, but here I am with some totally fresh tales from the imagination.

He was speaking during a debate on the search for extra terrestrial intelligent life at the British Science Festival in Bradford University.

There was a British Science Festival and I wasn't informed?

What do mean you don't see it? Come on, it's right there!

In both cases they were hailed as major breakthroughs and evidence that the red Planet once probably had continents separated by vast oceans which possibly contained some form of life.

Probably vast canals, Vrill energy, huge domed cities, domesticated dinosaurs and whatever else you want to throw in the "possibly" bucket.

Komment Korner  

Time for this planet to get wiped out.

Shouldn't have been driving around in their little ameba SUVs. Climate change strikes again!

I blame George W Bush for the tragic loss of life on Mars all those millennia ago.

Another "scientist." *sigh*

21st century science: make s*** up and see if anyone believes it.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

News You Can't Use: Homeopathy Conference Ends in Chaos after Delegates take Hallucinogenic Drug

We've all been to some wild homeopathy conferences. Who could forget the one where someone drank pure tap water and overdosed? Or that big seminar on how if Chiropractors can somehow obtain marginal legitimacy than it should be possible to convince people that these crazy ideas have some merit. Don't forget the time when the reflexologists were staying in the same hotel and the result was a weekend of crazy pranks involving the memory of fluids and the bottom of the foot. And, of course, today's subject where our favorite pseudo-scientists decided to take a drug that actually works, with disastrous consequences.

An alternative medicine conference has ended in chaos in Germany after dozens of delegates took a LSD-like drug and started suffering from hallucinations.

If there were any lingering doubts that "alternative medicine" was just code-word for snake oil scams and trying to find legal ways to drop acid I think we can lay them to rest.

Broadcaster NDR described the 29 men and women “staggering around, rolling in a meadow, talking gibberish and suffering severe cramps”.

These are the symptoms of what the medical-industrial complex that we heroically battle with our various frauds and trick bags describes as "tripping balls." And yes, don't forget the cramps, it's important to mention that tummy trouble when we've got Teutonic quack con-artists eating their own fingers and babbling incoherently in the world's ugliest language.

The group of "Heilpraktikers" was discovered at the hotel where they held their conference in the town of Handeloh, south of Hamburg, on Friday. 

"Heilpraktiker" sounds like someone who plays Hitler make-believe or maybe joins a neo-nazi group as undercover law enforcement (i.e. every single member) but the truth, as always, is even more amazing.

More than 150 medical staff, ambulances and police descended on the scene and took the raving delegates to hospital.

The cruelest irony is that now conventional western medicine that actually works, the mortal enemy of the conference goers, is deployed to cure their freak-out instead of a glass of water seeded with half a drop of anti-crazy.

Tests on their blood and urine revealed they had all taken hallucinogenic drug 2C-E, which is known as Aquarust in Germany and has been illegal there since the end of last year.

"As I stand here, the Champion of the World, I want the kids to know they can achieve anything if they work hard and never stop believing in themselves. And kids, just say no to 2C-E.

No one recovered sufficiently to be interviewed by police until Monday, a spokesperson said.

Probably because traditional medicine is all about making money and not about THE PEOPLE, man.

“One has to assume that people were not told about the substance, its effects and risks before taking it.” 

Then again we're talking about a credulity conference, so who knows.

Police are reportedly looking into possibilities including the drug being taken as a joint experiment, or it being furtively given to conference participants as a prank.

Yup, the old "give dangerous hallucinogenic compound to eccentrics" prank, always a winner.

The Association of German Healing Practitioners (VDH), which represents homeopaths as well as other naturopaths, quickly distanced itself from the embarrassment.

Get ready for the "Ve ver juss followink ORDERS!" defense.

“The organisers of this obscure conference are unknown to us and such events will not be tolerated by our Association,” a spokesperson said.

Our goofy make-believe sessions are highly legitimate and fully certified by a panel of wizards and alchemists.

“Unfortunately, the conference in Handeloh has severely damaged the image of the alternative medicine profession…and we have clarified that such acts are not in the spirit of natural therapy, and contradict our values both morally and legally."

An unbelievably pristine reputation for competence and legality may have suffered a small ding.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Wonder if you'd ever see real doctors popping a few chemotherapy tablets at a conference...

Man, that homeopathy kicks butt! 

I guess they took a very small dose to make it more potent

one doesn't 'suffer' hallucinations one ENJOYS them

Probably the same stuff Angela Merkel took last week.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, September 4, 2015

Which Way Books #3: The Spell of the Black Raven

I really hadn't intended to take a two month break from these reviews, but with my whirlwind romance with the sovereign citizen movement combined with a general work-shy attitude toward reading, here we are. The last one was a classic vampire tale, but it's definitely time to get back to Which Way Books and what, at least superficially, suggests a theme possibly more interesting than their usual stripped down and thoroughly tepid offerings. Ravens and spells, it's like the peanut butter jar and candy bar combination that, for whatever reason, never captured our collective attention. Magic birds, dude. This is going to be something.

Nightmare clown is all "Nevermore, y'all!"

In fairness the high concept set-ups are one of the few strengths of the Which Way series and this one certainly continues in this proud tradition. Like every epic tale of magic and monsters it begins with nothing to do on a Saturday night. "Even television seems boring," we are informed. Now that I find hard to believe, but there it is. What about the scripted comedies and commercial-friendly sporting events? Come on, television always delivers. This is also the second time in the first three books that "television let me down" was a major plot element, while the other involved the time movies failed. Say what you want about this author, he/she/it clearly anticipated the common "Reading sucks!" objections from the grammar school crowd and was prepared to counter them.

Let me photoshop in some booty to really hammer home my intellectual credentials.

No time to dwell on the failure of my one true friend in the living room, there's more cliches to check off. It's my birthday and my wacky Uncle George the anthropologist sent a letter. Yes, another secondary relation with an unusual background. If I made a drinking game out of this I wouldn't get drunk or anything because it would be one drink every four months or so, but still. Can't it ever be wacky grandpa or scholarly in-laws? It's just lazy. Anyway, the letter is to announce a package that will be arriving later from the "Indians" this guy has been studying, because trained anthropologists use that word to describe native peoples and sending a separate letter instead of just taping a card to the package is an efficient use of the postal service.

Anyway, the mystery box arrives later that day. Good thing UPS or whoever coordinated with the snail mailers to make sure it arrived after the explanatory letter. Honestly, just mail it all as one piece, it would work out fine. Academics, they just can't work this "real world" thing at all. Naturally, the mystery box also has a note on it, because logic, declaring it contains a raven named "George." Well, that's a bit banal. I guess the poor miserable guy with the dead wife will ask if he'll ever be happy again and get "George" for a response from the dark devil perched on the bust of Pallas and have to try to make some sense out of that. In any case, there's a raven.

I decide to release the bird because wild animals shouldn't be pets. You're free now "George," fly as high as you can! Of course, the midnight flier promptly returns to my shoulder and continues to resist my efforts to grant him horrible, horrible freedom. Understandable.  

Fly away old friend, with all your might!

I'm not about to be dissuaded and decide to go in the house until it's very clear to Heckle or Jeckle that I'm just not into this. Naturally, this also fails and when I go back outside (see, there's your problem, right there) good old George the Raven is back and he's got the penknife I lost two months ago, presumably during my raid on the castle that wrecked the television reception. Yes, there was a time when child knife ownership was considered normal, healthy and not just cause to bring in the full power of the federal government.

This gift of wussy cutting technology apparently convinces me to allow the raven to stick around and good thing because a sudden intuition allows me to save some guy from blundering into traffic. Must be that ESP. Man, it's like this thing was written by putting a few Choose Your Own Adventure books in a blender and topping off the result with trademark Which Way Books brevity and incoherence. The man's name is "Rocco" and he's offering a job that pays well. The Reagen presidency, friends. I'm so in.

You'll be moving suspicious packages and disposing of human-shaped bundles.

The only catch is I can't bring "the pigeon." You know what, that's fine. I go inside to put George in a box or whatever, but then have second thoughts about the whole thing and the plot line simply ends right there with the book looping back to a "You go to the carnival" choice I would have gotten if I'd taken the other branch from the first choice. Yeah, that's the satisfying pay-off to the "Your ESP helps you become a Made Man" plot. You're pushing me book, you're really pushing me.

With a chance to make sweet bag man money already forgotten I hit the midway and decide to check out the "House of Horrors." Skeletons, witches, blah, blah, I wanted to join the Black Hand not read short, bland prose about various uninspired "scary" elements. I guess the raven is still with me because that's such a well-crafted and organic theme for this bullshit. 

I try to run from a witch that's apparently "real," we get some bloodless "Final Destination" rollercoaster b.s. and I use my magic raven to reunite a mother with a lost child. The End, thank goodness.

I'm totally fine, don't worry.

I'm used to Which Way Books taking a relatively promising and original set-up and completely ruining it, but this one is the worst offender so far. If I can't become the Littlest Don why even offer the choice and worse, why send me back to the start of the book as if this experience meant nothing and can be quickly pushed aside to visit some lame carny attractions. Really, everything I tried to do was over-ruled by the book, always a sign of poor construction. Why even offer choices if they're meaningless? Yeah, this was so disappointing I'm now reduced to existential misery and No Exit navel-gazing, wonderful.

 Just do it right sucker, it really isn't that hard. Be HAPPY!!!! Ugh.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

News You Can't Use: Police Union Calling For Arby’s Boycott After Officer Denied Service

I'm thinking Arby's. I'm also thinking that my left arm is tingling, there's a tightness in my chest, uncontrollable flatulence and other symptoms of total biological system failure, but it's worth it to enjoy heavily salted, cancer causing bovine products. It's also our right, insured by constitutional guarantees, to be able to go in and purchase that meat log regardless of who or what you are. So it comes as a small shock, a mild "how about that" to learn that the thin blue line that protects us from tyranny got poor treatment at this bottom-level deli.

A South Florida police union is calling for a national boycott of Arby’s after police say an officer was denied service.

What will win, my sense of outrage at injustice or the fact that my cheddar and beef curtain burger is so full of delicious sodium and fats.

Police said an employee at an Arby’s located at 11755 Pines Blvd denied the uniformed officer service on Monday night. 

Arby's employees, they're a law on to themselves. That scrawny and heavily acned fifteen year-old has been given the power to bind and to loose. Well, at least when it comes to wadded beef.  

“I am offended and appalled that an individual within our community would treat a police officer in such a manner.  It is unacceptable,” stated PPPD Chief Dan Giustino.

Thanks to everything and anything being classed as offensive it's hard to get much traction when a legitimate miscarriage of justice occurs. They protect us from barbarism and we won't even sell them "the meats." This is something that can not be accepted. The line must be drawn in the sand. Today it's this, tomorrow it might be doughnut shops and coffee dispensaries. We must hold back this day.

In reaction to the incident the Dade County Police Benevolent Association is calling for the employees involved to be fired.

Welcome to 2015 America where losing your low-paying, filthy and generally horrible fast food job is seen as a deterrent for bad behavior. I've flipped the burgers myself, and most people didn't seem too worried about getting the hook. In fact, more than once someone left after yelling some variation of "Why don't you go have oral sex with me?" but again, the times have changed.

As a proud swine-eater I have certain expectations.

In this case, after the clerk refused to serve the officer, the manager came up to the window laughing and said that the clerk had the right to refuse service to the officer.

When the "Can I see your manager?" gambit is preemptively defeated, you're stuck. 

After that the officer said she wasn’t certain she wanted to dine at the restaurant but the manager assured her everything was okay and handed the officer the food, according to the report.

Hmmmm. Better apply those crime-solving skills.

That’s when the officer said she was unsure about the condition of her food, decided not to eat there and asked for a refund, the report states.

Good call.

The company issued a statement on the matter saying, “We take this isolated matter very seriously as we respect and support police officers in our local communities. As soon as the issue was brought to our attention, our CEO spoke with the Police Chief who expressed his gratitude for our quick action and indicates the case is closed.  We will be following up with our team members to be sure that our policy of inclusion is understood and adhered to.” 

Bad behavior, empty and impotent outrage, a feigned apology motivated by fear of lost revenue, lots of meaningless words, the circle of life that moves us all.

Do not visit the ad-riddled source:

Komment Korner 

Just get the blue flu the next time that particular store calls in an armed robbery.

It's because you toss flash bang grenades in a baby's crib

 Do you like federal highways?

Next time you fly can you please take Malaysia Air?

We ain't buddies Lil Ricky, and I don't love Lucy. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.