News You Can't Use: The Apocalyptic Rise of Nude Dating Shows

One might argue that rise of the "hook-up" culture and the easy, meaningless encounters it promises combined with the decline of traditional courtship rituals is having some sort of negative effect on society as a whole but this hypothetical arguer is clearly wrong. After all, we now have something called "nude dating shows" which, and this is just me guessing here, combine unclothed bodies and the high drama of "swipe right!" in front of an audience of drooling, hooting scumbags. Still, not everyone is convinced, including the author of today's subject who likens it to Saint John's Revelation. It's just limp penises, dude.

That’s it. There’s nowhere left for the dating show to go. Between TLC’s Undressed and Channel 4’s Naked Attraction, the entire genre feels like it’s reached its natural endpoint.

Talk about a small imagination. We haven't even started in with the chemsex, or the harems, or animals...

We’ve had shows like Blind Date, where desirability is judged by personality. We’ve had shows like Take Me Out, where desirability is judged by physical appearance. 

As opposed to basing desirability on not immediately screaming and giving me a full face worth of  wasp spray. 

And now we find ourselves at a terrible new dawn, where desirability is judged by genitalia.

"You seem nice, but that thing looks like it was made by a blind woodsman with a dull axe."

Undressed puts two strangers in a room and makes them undress each other before they sit on a bed and get subjected to a hideous Clockwork Orange-style barrage of orders from a giant faceless screen.

You're actually thinking of 1984 (All right contestants, here comes a chopper to chop off your heads!), which is why you get assigned to cover the naked dating craze and not prestige topics like accidental celebrity nudity.

Meanwhile, Naked Attraction – which starts tonight – promises to present its subjects with a cavalcade of naked strangers and ask them to pick the sexiest.

It's like choosing your favorite hanging dead rabbit from a Chinatown market.

Naked Attraction is barely even a dating show. It’s Am I Hot Or Not. It’s a knobbly knees competition. It’s a place where your parents can validate all the unspoken disappointment they ever felt about you.

Your parents are very disappointed you showed your completely flaccid joystick on the Sex Box.

It feels like we’ve painted ourselves into a corner here, doesn’t it? How can anyone keep making dating shows any more, now that there’s a programme about people picking willies from a lineup?

Tonight the slippery slope let me down.

The bottom of the barrel has been located. Dating shows: completed. Well done everybody.

That sounds like a challenge to me.

These people realise that nudity is weird and shameful, and that it should be hidden from a prospective romantic partner until the last moment possible, long after the point at which they can politely back out.

Your body is an evil thing, full of death, decay and demons. It should be covered as completely as possible and any intimacy (hopefully there's none!) should be done under the cover of complete darkness and under the influence of as many numbing agents as possible.

But perhaps my natural inclination to equate Undressed and Naked Attraction to the death of all civilisation is premature. 

And speaking of other things that can go wrong when you're "dating."

Hot sexy singles naked! Look at this, oh wow!

They understand that nudity is humiliating, because it is, and the parts of the show where the contestants work through their anxiety over this is much better than the rest of the show, where they tend to just get barked at by a Twister-obsessed Jumbotron. 

Personally I think the barking is the best part, but I suppose I could be wrong.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Sanders Supporters Banned from Tinder After Campaigning on Dating App

You know you live in the best of all possible worlds when meaningless and soul-destroying physical encounters with random warm bodies can be easily accessed by flicking a screen with a finger or two. There are, however, snakes in this garden. The quest for some of that sweet "let's just get this over with" and "please don't look directly at me, it's easier if I can pretend you're an object" is being derailed by Crazy Bernie supporters. Instead of launching the meat rocket and causing lasting damage to your ability to bond with others and form lasting relationships you just might get requests for your  vacuum pennies from communists.

Stumping for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on Tinder is getting some women banned from the online dating app after sending campaign messages to prospective matches.

Now if they could just get going on banning the fat ones, too. Am I right, bro? Oh yeah, you know it, woo woo.

Two women - one from Iowa and the other from New Jersey - confirmed to Reuters on Friday that they received notices from Tinder in the previous 24 hours that their accounts were locked because they had been reported too many times for peppering men on the site with messages promoting Sanders' candidacy.

The type of "Bern" you generally get from Tinder is the one that comes when you're trying to urinate the morning after, not this. But please, tell me all about the senile half-dead marxist, baby. It's getting me all worked up. He wants to tax and spend? I'm about to blow my top.

Robyn Gedrich, 23, said she sent messages to 60 people a day for the past two weeks trying to convince them to support the U.S. senator from Vermont in his race for the Democratic nomination against former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

In today's spiritually leprous America I suppose it is possible she was interested in all 840 mindless and faceless romance vectors, but it seems more reasonable to assume that something more sinister was at work here. This is not the solution for uncontrolled horny levels. This is not change we can believe in.

"Do you feel the bern?" her message to other Tinder users read, parroting a Sanders campaign slogan. "Please text WORK to 82623 for me. Thanks."

If you were starting to get optimistic about Generation Nothing this should end that.

Haley Lent, 22, a photographer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, told Reuters in a Twitter message that she also got locked out of the app on Thursday night after sending messages trying to convince people to vote for Sanders the previous night.

I misused a one night stand service to promote Red Grandpa Simpson and they banned me. This is an outrage.

"I would ask them if they were going to vote in their upcoming primaries," she said. "If they said no or were on the fence, I would try to talk to them and persuade them to vote."

"What are you wearing? Could I take it off?"

"Are you going to vote in the New Hampshire primary?"

"I want to blank your brains out, I can't help it."

"Here's how you get registered..."

Tinder trolls and your frustrated lust, a metaphor.

A spokeswoman for Tinder, which is part of Match Group Inc, owned by IAC/InterActiveCorp IAC.O, did not respond immediately to a request for comment. 

What do they have to hide??? What are your crimes, nameless spokeswoman???

The two women are the not only ones making unusual use of Tinder, better known as a "hook-up" app, as a campaign tool. A Facebook (FB.O) group "Bernie Sanders Dank Tinder Convos" has 782 members.

American democracy is a serious business.

Gedrich said she got mixed responses from the 300 Tinder users who replied. "Some people would ask what is this for, and I would kind of explain," she said. "Some of them would unmatch me or report me as a bot." A bot (or robot) account is a scam profile used to send spam messages.

Woman posts obviously worthless spam, 300 replies. Man creates thoughtful and clever profile, tumbleweeds roll through.

Some responses simply read, "Trump2016," expressing support for Republican candidate Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon. "It was really alarming to see that a lot of people don't know what's going on in the world," she said.

Me, I support a failed ideology from the last century and believe everything my professors say, so I've earned the right to look down on real estate tycoon supporters.

None of her matches resulted in an actual date, she said.

About the success rate you'd expect from communism.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: How 40,000 'Women' on Ashley Madison Shared Just Six Email Addresses

It's impossible to cheat an honest man and almost as difficult to cheat one that can control his post-marriage horny levels. Luckily, it appears that neither one of those categories represent a significant percentage of the male population, so we get the most obvious and embarrassing scams succeeding beyond even the wildest expectations of their scumbag creators. When you have a brain and a penis, but not enough blood to use them both at once, it's perhaps forgivable that you thought KinkyYoungLuVKittAN301848484 was a real person genuinely interested in joining you for role-playing, adult baby and generally being the two bits on the side. Sadly, it appears that much like winning those Irish lotteries and becoming Nigerian royalty it's just another shuck.

A data scientist has uncovered what he says is proof that Ashley Madison created tens of thousands of fake accounts to dupe members into paying for its services, in a scheme that would have almost doubled the website's revenue.

Yes, we needed a "data scientist" (That's the best kind!) to figure out that this online sword fight wasn't completely on the level when it came to attractive low virtue married women. And it doubled the revenue! You hear that 1-900 meet-up line that advertises during pro wrestling at 1 in the morning? That's the way you do it.

According to statistics seen by Daily Mail Online, 40,000 profiles were set up on the affair site using just six email addresses owned by the website's operators on two separate days.

This was someone's job. "I want you to create 40,000 profiles, all full of unique and believable content, in the next two days. Don't worry, after that's done you're on easy street as the dirtbag in a sexually unfulfilling marriage coin pours in."

It follows claims in previous reports that the extra-marital dating network tried to hide around 100,000 of these so-called 'engager' profiles – sometimes referred to as Ashley Angels - from users, so they believed they were talking to real people.

I just paid for five minutes of simulated infidelity with a profile created by a sixty year old man and using old pictures of Jenny McCarthy. I deserve the worst and, apparently, am going to get it.

If true, this means the real number of 'available' women was drastically reduced, while the website's monthly revenue was almost doubled by the 'engagers', as members have to pay to read their online messages.

Number science has estimated the amount of so-called "real" women at 0, with a small margin for error.

Out of 32million members before the website was hacked, 26.5million were men and just 5.5million women.

It's so exciting see my two favorite things, sleaze and statistical demographics, coming together in such a wonderful and unexpected fashion.

Around 700,000 of these women are said to have been looking for lesbian affairs.

So me no launch pocket rocket, ugh, ugh.

Therefore, if the 100,000 'fembots' are included, there would have been only 4.7million women looking for extramarital relationships with men.

These are not the good kind of "fembots" like in West World.

Jeremy Bullock, the chief data scientist at a UK-based technology firm, said he was suspicious of Ashley Madison’s recruitment methods, so searched through the data released by hackers last month looking for anomalies.

I was just doing "research!" Honest!

Looking closely at the data, he found only six email addresses had been used to generate a total of around 40,000 'fake' women. One of these was host@almlabs – another IP address owned by Avid Life Media. 

I'd call this an outrage, but if you voluntarily entered this pit of spiritual sludge you deserved whatever happened.

He added: ‘I believe that this data shows that despite Ashley Madison’s protestations to the contrary, member generation was going on at a industrial scale and that there is a clear trail of evidence leading back to the company.’ 

We must put a stop to the simulated adultery fembot industrial complex.

My unbelievable wit and charm will impress all the robot ladies!

According to documents seen by Daily Mail Online they received generic messages such as 'are you online' to create the illusion a woman was trying to start a conversation with them.

Yeah, that's how women talk all right.

This means some members supposedly paid up to $290 to interact with someone who didn’t actually exist.

Nearly one-third large to be asked about your "online" status by a bot. Our government gets better deals on hammers and light bulbs.

This has prompted two lawsuits in California and Maryland by men who think they were deliberately deceived.  

"I just wanted to engage in illicit activity like any good American. Give me money." When bad things happen to bad people we need a legal remedy.

Ashley Madison, which has denied creating the bots, has failed to respond to numerous requests from Daily Mail Online for comment.  

Admit nothing, refuse all interview requests, hide from view...is this a online smut merchant or the Hillary Clinton campaign?

One of the accounts, under the name Sensuous Kitten, was listed as the 11th member of Ashley Madison.

Seems legit.

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

So that fashion model who liked football and who owned a pub was fake?

Men are so dumb

Yeah. I went on a date with an Ashley Madison affair-woman. I became suspicious of their business model when I got to the restaurant and all there was at my table was a life sized cardboard cutout of a woman. She was lovely, but her personality was so flat that I didn't even take her home with me. I cancelled my membership the next morning.

It amazes me that more people haven't figured out that we live in the Age of the Scam.

WELL, Now we KNOW what kind of BOTS they are - we are just negotiating PRICE!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Fake Links to Nude Celebrities Breaks New Zealand Internet

The New Zealand Internet is a beautiful but delicate wonder, capable of opening up in ways you could never imagine when presented with a gentle non-perverted touch but also easily dashed to pieces in the pursuit of images depicting secondary and primary sexual characteristics of the dime pieces that populate the top quality entertainment of this interesting time we live in. In the mad rush to see some actress covered in seminal fluids we lost our way and destroyed the New Zealand Internet. I'm sure you've heard stories exactly like this many, many times.

Users keen to see naked pictures of celebrities like Jenifer Lawrence, Avril Lavigne and Rihanna, who recently had illicit images hacked from cloud storage, instead download malware that causes havoc in New Zealand's telecommunications network.

A day of infamy, a cowardly attack on our defenseless horny levels by the evil-doers. The innocent desire to see Skater Grrrl's "Charlies" leads to national disaster. Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

New Zealanders keen to view hacked photos of naked celebrities are being blamed for a nationwide Internet meltdown involving the country's main provider.

You self-abusing maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you!!!

It is believed a handful of computer users clicked links on Friday evening believing they would take them to the illicit images, but instead they inadvertently installed malware triggering a crippling Internet attack.

A handful of something that's for sure, haw haw. While the vast majority of Perth residents were going on line to read FAQs on basement repair or do their report on the Solar System a tiny, wildly unrepresentative minority that wanted to see bare breasts ruined things worse than the Road Map for Peace.

It took telecommunications giant Spark, the rebranded Telecom Corp., until Sunday to fully repair what it termed a "dynamic" cyber-attack that overloaded its system covering more than 600,000 customers.

Send in the special "One-handed Typists Wrecked It, Again" squad to clean up the mess. The metaphorical mess, I mean. Not the literal one.

Spark tweeted it was aware that when people clicked on some links they inadvertently installed malware "generating a high amount of traffic to overseas sites."

It's New Zealand. What wouldn't be overseas?

Computer security specialists Trend Micro issued an alert shortly before the attack began warning not to open the links related to the nude celebrities.

"Please rely on the Sears Catalog for your onanism needs until this horrible crisis is over."

"For obvious reasons, clicking on links to 'naked celebrity' photos, or opening email attachments would be a very bad idea right now, expect criminals to ride this bandwagon immediately," it said.

Now that we've been warned, everything should be fine. If you'll excuse me, I just found out I'm a Sudanese Prince and I have to send a $2500 release fee through Western Union so I can get the 93 million I'm entitled to.

"Our scanning brought to our attention some freshly-concocted schemes targeting those looking for the photos borne from the aforementioned leak."

"While doing a routine read-through of all of your e-mails we noticed some schemes." 

You clicked on nakedcelebrity.exe. Game Over.

"The first threat we found hails from Twitter, in the form of a tweet being posted with hashtags that contain the name of one of the leak's victims – Jennifer Lawrence."

"Hailing from Twitter...weighing in at 138 characters...The Hobart Voyeur!!!"

Trend Micro said users who clicked the link offering to show a video of the actress were directed to download a "video converter" that was actually malicious software.

Video converter? How can I lose? *clicks link* *computer explodes*

New Zealand authorities said they did not know who was behind the attack, which was launched from outside the country, and the malware was generating denial-of-service attacks towards Europe.

It remains to be seen if we'll finally see New Zealand declare war on all of Europe, but it seems pretty likely.

Full Story.


Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Female Yahoo Exec Accused of Sexual Harassment from Female

When considering the technology industry the first thought that pops into the head of any healthy person is steamy visions of every possible type of hot, hot sex. There's just something about all that in-putting and hyperlinks and sitting and snacking that makes you want to select the nearest warm body for defilement and then give the soul and personality that is imprisoned in said body a bunch of "lousy" performance reviews. Get ready to get warmed up and please try to keep both hands above the equator as I tell you the latest tale of tech-heads and their overwhelming urge to do the Wild Thing.

Sexual harassment complaints aren't uncommon in the tech industry, but a new one at Yahoo is making headlines because of an unusual twist

There's just something about the social skills of your average "programmer" or "analyst" that insures that there will be sexual harassment complaints for even the most timid of their creepy advances. As for the twist, by "unusual" we actually meant "banal as all hell." We regret the error.

A female executive is accused of coercing a female subordinate into sex.

I'm not sure if this a victory for human rights and equality or not. Eh, it probably is. Sure. Let's celebrate.

The lawsuit filed by engineer Nan Shi says that her boss, mobile exec Maria Zhang, forced her into sex and then punished her with lousy performance reviews when Shi put a stop to it, reports the San Jose Mercury News.

I'm sure we've all had some "bad performance reviews" after watching the submarine races, am I right? I was tired, it happens to everyone, headache, all the rest.

When Shi reported it to Yahoo, the company put her on unpaid leave and eventually fired her, according to the lawsuit. It names Yahoo as a defendant, reports Reuters.

Yet another case of human resource betrayal! Well, that or this is just a nuisance lawsuit and she really was inept at the job. There is that slim possibility.

"Zhang told Plaintiff she would have a bright future at Yahoo if she had sex with her," says the complaint. "She also stated she could take away everything from her including her job, stocks, and future if she did not do what she wanted."

"You want stocks, don't you? Of course you do. Suck on this."

Yahoo is sticking by Zhang and says it will "fight vigorously to clear her name."

"I was just looking for faceless casual encounters with whatever was convenient, just like any good person. It had nothing to do with the job."

It's only sexy when a vampire does it.

The suit is the latest in a string of harassment cases in the tech world, notes Business Insider, which has a roundup. (Last year, a tech-conference tweet led to controversy.)

Please use hashtag #damngirlyousofine. 

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

Their's your sexism right there.

There's not too much information out there on men being violated in the workplace

Time to do their jobs? Have you used Yahoo lately? It stinks.

So much for the Seduction of Misty Mundae on late night cable.

That is so hot! Any pics?

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Florida John Offered Salad In Return For Sex

The economy is bad, just ask any story written on the subject since about 2006. Despite this truism, there are still people of vision in the world, people who attempt to win friends with salad. And by "friends" I mean a very good friend for the next ten to fifteen minutes who will then vanish forever. Yes, it's time for more wacky antics from the same "Florida Johns" that cost Al Gore the presidency and provide South Beach eye-ipecac.

Meet Alonzo Liverman.

Sounds like the subtitle for a proposed "Pretty Woman 2" sequel that was promptly shouted down in favor of another "sexy White collar criminal" film.

Short on cash, the 29-year-old Floridian allegedly offered to provide a salad to a prostitute in exchange for oral sex, according to cops.

We in the "industry" call this the "dinner and a show." Well, a rabbit dinner, anyway.

Liverman was arrested Monday morning during a reverse sting that netted nine other men for soliciting a prostitute.

I don't see what exactly makes this sting one of the "reverse" variety. Wouldn't a reverse sting try to entrap with criminal activity but instead of punishing anyone reward those who said "no" with government gimmes for their high moral character? That really doesn't sound so far-fetched these days.

The hookers in question were actually undercover Daytona Beach Police Department officers.

This is why you're supposed to be all "I gots a salad here. You ain't no cop, bay-bee?" instead of just the first part.

While negotiating a liaison with a female officer, Liverman--who was “operating a bicycle”--revealed that he did not have any money.

When you're using a ten-speed bike to try to pick up girls "broke as a joke" is probably a safe assumption.

“I’ll give you a blow job for a salad,” the cop declared.

This might be the greatest single line of literature ever penned in human history. We can all go retire, there's no topping this.

The document does not detail the location of Liverman’s salad (or its street value).

The "I got these cheeseburgers" guy from "Menace 2 Society" finally finds someone he can look down on.

Liverman was busted because he and the cop “agreed upon the sexual act in exchange for food,” investigators reported.

Not sure how this is different from this thing we call "dating."

It won't help you "do the Clinton" either.

Liverman was sentenced to two days in jail and fined $500.

The "reverse sting" cost the city $50,000.

Full Story.

Komment Korner 

Actually, it was her idea

cops are scum

He should have offered to take her to Dunkin Donuts. Then everyone would have gone home happy.

By offering the salad he was in essence saying "Lettuce Alone"

Maybe he should try offering a Big Mac next time.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.