Wednesday, March 21, 2018

News You Can't Use: Burgers Outselling Classic Baguette Sandwiches in France

Forget the baguette. The French are going crazy for burgers.

As your number one source of news from The Hexagon, I'm pleased to report that the long and ugly "Freedom Fries" wars have ended with total victory for the good guys. We've got them eating our unhealthy garbage cuisine. When the time comes for the old "How about some war with Iran? You know, for freedom?" they'll just meekly go along with it as if they were the United Kingdom or something.

Figures released this week revealed that sales of the jambon-beurre – the ham and butter baguette sandwich, a classic of French snacking – have been surpassed by sales of American-style burgers.

In unrelated news, health care costs have exploded.

“Even the Americans are looking at us with wide-eyed amazement,” Bernard Boutboul, general director of Gira Conseil, told The Associated Press.

Honestly, my jaw is on the floor. "Amazement" doesn't seem like nearly a strong enough word for this incredible new revelation.

“Obviously the rise in popularity is not linked to sales at McDonald’s or other fast-food restaurants,” Boutboul said in a phone interview. “It’s due to the growing number of restaurants putting burgers on their menu.”

Before you get crazy ideas about Clown Burger overrunning the City of Lights you should be reminded that it's actually very classy top quality eating establishments were the item in question is called Le Royale Amer-Eee-Cann Steak.

“The French’s favorite sandwich is losing ground, slowly but steadily,” the study said.

You will be converted. All your (le) resistance is futile. International trash culture is unstoppable.

Boutboul said the burger frenzy started about a decade ago after three-star Michelin chef Yannick Alleno, based in Paris, won the New York Times’ award for the best burger in the world.

I'm guessing this guy doesn't cook tires, but what other conclusion remains?

Mon bras gauche pique.

“Despite a rise in the numbers of jambon-beurre consumed this year, long gone are the prosperous years,” the study said. “In 2012, the jambon-beurre market share was 62 percent. It lost more than 11 percent over five years.”

The golden age of the jambon-beurre is truly over. Be happy because it happened, not sad because it's over.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Friday, March 16, 2018

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION, Part VI

Last time on Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned we discovered what your upper body would look like if you never did a push-up in your life, we got a convincing argument for banning all immigration, ever, for any reason and the new King of America performed his self-coronation. If that wasn't enough, a diabolic plan to sell our names to China was uncovered and I learned that I'm never going to try to review a video longer than seven minutes or so again, ever, because this has totally consumed my life with no end in sight. Fortunately, I scouted ahead and from here on in we get some classy Old World charm from the British and, as far as I know, being a U.S. American without maps, their neighboring wayward children.

Am I free to go? Am I being detained? Do I have to answer this map question?

Sure enough, our next Free Man expresses outrage over a traffic stop in his distinct Slopeshire accent. This already feels much classier. I bet he's even wearing a shirt. Sadly, the "bobby" is making the universal request for ihnen papiern, bitte and it seems that no amount of appealing to "What law says that?" is going to prove useful for ending this predictable impasse. The authorities, the last hero and his fellow "traveler" (because we're traveling instead of driving, which is a commercial term, I don't know if they're communists) confer independently, each group coming up with a plan of action.

Those plans turn out to be "smash the glass" and "keep acting passive-aggressive and hope that somehow de-escalates the situation, respectively. 

Outrage is expressed as the cruel hands of tyranny mill about listlessly. "Are you gonna put up with this?" This is the question we must all answer, lest our freedom to be a jerk to poorly paid and overworked public servants starts to slip through our fingers. 

In the background a "tyres" truck drives past, confirming that we're across the pond.

"Look at this aggression!" This is immediately followed by shattering glass. Travel 3000 miles and nothing changes. The camera goes black. "Get out!" Addition high-pitched whining follows from The Resistor and the clip abruptly ends.

If you ain't Millwall I'll bash ya, you bleeding wanker.

Looks like we're back in the good old USA for the next clip, as unconfirmed by the ubiquitous obesity and "I flipped off your [fudging] friend." Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. The officers challenge our hero's right to use "foul language" earning goofy laughter in return. Honestly, after watching a few hours of this stuff I'm ready to vote against due process, a chance we'll hopefully get very soon. 

The Private Citizen only wants to talk to the fascist he "flipped off," I guess under the assumption that this individual would be the most sympathetic, which is totally reasonable. Instead, it's cuffing time and we're already done here. Truly the one that laughs last, laughs best.

Time for more Britain. This time the thrall of the Evil Queen wants "details" and there are no prizes for guessing the response. We then discover that "an act is not a law" which is sheer brilliancy. Arrest is threatened and the man of courage demands a warrant. It's like this guy watched Perry Mason while high on PCP and now thinks he's a legal expert. With no warning whatsoever the window gets smashed. "Shit!"

These sovereign citizens are putting my kids through college! 

There's various mutterings in heavy prole accents that defy interpretation and another enemy of Big Brother gets arrested. I know, who could have predicted this?

Back to America, where a live-action version of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel refuses to remove his battered NASCAR hat in a court room setting. "Many people consider it disrespectful NOT to wear a hat," explains his equally disheveled buddy, no doubt blowing the minds of "the squares." He then goes on to suggest that the cap-wearing might be religious in nature and who are you, punk, to claim one religion is better than another. Yeah, take that! This is a lot better than complying with a perfectly reasonable request.

Dale Junior is my religion.

Another polite entreaty is, of course, rejected. This is illegal force and a usurpation of my rights. We didn't fight the War Between the States to return home to this kind of treatment. "Treat others as you would want to be treated." Wow, far out. We're going to defeat the hat nazis with the power of LOVE, man. My ratty headgear stays on. I'm a human being full of value.

Time to get arrested. Our lid aficionado refuses to assist in his arrest, just like a scruffy, totally unlikable version of Gandhi.  This leads to a lot of goofy behavior, dutifully recorded on phones by scumbags with massive beer bellies. If you want to "accidentally" hit that button Mr. Putin, I totally understand.

...and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free...

More references to the Golden Rule fall on the wooden ears of tyranny. I'd let you wear a cap, if the roles were reversed. I'm just saying. The passive resistance continues, ultimately culminating in a wheelchair for the greatest human being currently alive. "What do you plan on doing?" Gee, I wonder. The bony rear end is placed in the seat and additional sarcastic comments are made, because I treat others how I would like to be treated, except when it becomes even the tiniest of burdens. The dirtbag gets rolled off. Godspeed, my true friend, you were too beautiful for this world.

Can you believe we're almost done? Tune in next time for the shocking conclusion of Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

News You Can't Use: Pennsylvania Prison Inmate’s Selfie Sparks Investigation

What Jeffrey Mattox posted on Facebook on Jan. 25 is now under investigation.

What could be causing this? Did he post a political opinion that would have been considered far left in 2007 but is now considered hate thought? A tiger selfie? Mild PG-13 nudity? One of the billions of comments, images or "likes" that is forbidden by our ruling plutocrats? As it turns out, the truth is both much less and so very much more. Okay, it's just less.

The problem is Mattox is a federal inmate housed at Lackawanna County Prison and he is not supposed to have a cell phone.

But how can our worst human beings serve their "dime" without that convenience: "I'm in my cell right now. Meet me in the exercise yard near the jungle gym. Yeah, bring that improvised stabbing device." This punishment is unusual and very cruel.

Yet, he posted the following: “This is 170 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.”

It's hard to get too angry when it's got a Pro Wrestling promo caption. This the body that the women love and the men fear. Cough.

“It’s scary, it’s actually scary because they’re in there for a reason, they’re not in there to play around and how that cell phone got in there, that is the question,” said Colleen Mowery of Carbondale.

Well, I don't know. Maybe Angry Birds is teaching them the ultimate destructive futility of uncontrolled emotions and that one where you crush the candy is good for instilling useful job skills or something.

Mattox posted other pictures of himself, which appear to be snapped inside the prison.

Yeah. One would assume, what with the incarceration and all.

Mattox, who is locked up on drug and assault charges, regularly chatted with friends and family here, telling them to call him or even video chat.

Another non-violent drug offender wrongly imprisoned by a corrupt system. Wait, what did you say the other crime was? Oh.

Thick, solid and tight here in the jug.

This is the latest scandal to hit the Lackawanna County Prison.

Wow, it's almost like putting humans in cages doesn't fix anything.

“I think he’s in good with the guards and guards are bringing, the ones bringing the stuff in, that’s the only way it’s getting in there. Just got to tighten down the security with the guards, maybe clean house,” said Todd Mowery of Carbondale.

This clearly unrehearsed, rambling statement raises many excellent points.

Komment Korner   

Apparently there are no mirrors in prison! 

I’m 61 years old and I look in waaaaay better shape than that criminal.

The solution is simple: cheap and easy ‘blocking’ technology could be easily installed.

Sadly, Jail and prison guards are not paid a decent wage and a small percentage of them lose their moral compass and offset their low pay with contraband like cell phones and even drugs.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Friday, March 9, 2018

News You Can't Use: Madness of Daylight Saving Time Endures

It sure is exciting to control time. This Saturday I'll press a button on my 1979 clock radio and an entire hour will simply vanish, sixty minutes of "live life to its fullest by running through fields and hang-gliding" eradicated in a single act of human will gone insane. Hard as it is to believe, there are some dissenters to the world's lamest version of time travel and in the interest of being fair and balanced we must give the other side equal time. At least until a New York businessman hits the scene and that whole idea gets thrown out the window.

One hundred years after Congress passed the first daylight saving legislation, lawmakers in Florida this week passed the “Sunshine Protection Act,” which will make daylight saving a year-round reality in the Sunshine State.

We will protect our precious vanishing sunlight. We stopped those Plan Nine aliens by punching them in the face and we'll stop any naysayers to this latest ill-conceived solar strategy, too.

If approved by the federal government, this will effectively move Florida’s residents one time zone to the east, aligning cities from Jacksonville to Miami with Nova Scotia rather than New York and Washington, D.C.

It took me forever to fully parse this bizarre information and when I finally did I wept for the future.

The cost of rescheduling international and interstate business and commerce hasn’t been calculated. 

The client is losing a billion dollars a second! Etc.

Instead, relying on the same overly optimistic math that led the original proponents of daylight saving to predict vast energy savings, crisper farm products harvested before the morning dew dried and lessened eye strain for industrial workers, Florida legislators are lauding the benefits of putting “more sunshine in our lives.”

In optimistic math 0.5 is halfway to one and not halfway to zero.

It’s absurd – and fitting – that a century later, opponents and supporters of daylight saving are still not sure exactly what it does.

Fudging clocks, how do they work?

Despite its name, daylight saving has never saved anyone anything.

It's all a lie! A lie! *is restrained by government thugs*

For centuries people set their clocks and watches by looking up at the sun and estimating, which yielded wildly dissimilar results between (and often within) cities and towns.

Well, sure looks like noon. Consider it official.

In 1883, the economic clout of the railroads allowed them to replace sun time with standard time with no legislative assistance and little public opposition.

It's because of "interesting" stories like these that the History Channel has switched to an "all aliens, all the time" format.

All my distant acquaintances on social media are gonna love this, haw, haw, haw.

While proponents argued that shoving clocks ahead during summer months would reduce energy consumption and encourage outdoor recreation, the opposition won out. 

I'm shoving clocks. You better stay out of my way unless you want some too, punk.

Then, in 1916, Germany suddenly adopted the British idea in hopes of conserving energy for its war effort.

You convinced me it was a good idea by appealing to the wartime policies of the Central Powers.

Komment Korner  

Daylight savings time? Yeah, it provides more sunlight at the end of the day but so what?

Circadian clocks are not something you want to mess around with.  

Oh no! Scary dark! Sounds like you've experienced lots of hardships in your life what with your "work" and all. 

Anything that Massachusetts supports should be defeated soundly.

You do realize that no matter what time you set your clock to that there are only so many daylight hours each day, don't you? Of course you dont because you are an idiot

These stupid humans. 

Daylight savings is a product of the devil and must be stabbed through it's black heart until dead and stacked to the ground to never again rise.
Arizona is the only sane state in the union. 

When the change occurred in 1966, I didn't get my homework done and blamed it on Congress.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola Breaks 130-year-old Tradition with First Alcoholic Drink

As you sit on a ruined couch gasping for breath behind multiple sweating rolls of adipose tissue resulting from, among other things, high fructose corn syrup beverages, you're probably wondering if the soda jerks could possibly destroy your life at a faster rate. The good news is "yes," with the addition of a secret ingredient that isn't well understood but has been linked to slurred speech, "wooing" and puking into dumpsters. This so-called "mixed drink" has apparently never been attempted before and as such here's an article all about it.

With its iconic red label and secret recipe, it’s been one of the world’s most famous soft drinks for more than a century. Now, however, Coca-Cola is on the brink of a new chapter – with plans to launch its first alcoholic drink.

Writing the first paragraph is always the hardest, as evidenced by the respective drivel produced by both your humble blogger and the author of this amazing bit of fraud news. Yes, everything is "iconic." We can now through that word on the scrap heap with all the other ones we've ruined like "epic," "literally," "justice" and all the rest.

The company is currently experimenting with the creation of a popular type of Japanese alcopop known as Chu-Hi, containing distilled shochu alcohol mixed with flavoured carbonate water.

That wild Japanese culture. Soda and alcohol? It sounds crazy and alien, but I could actually see it working, maybe.

The low alcohol canned drink will be launched in Japan, home to a thriving if competitive industry, with countless Chu-Hi flavoured drinks – from kiwi to yuzu - sitting on convenience store shelves across the country.

I just have a hard time imagining the polite and clean Land of the Rising Sun convenience stores.

Highlighting how “unique” this venture was for the company, Mr Garduño, who did not specify a timeline for the new product, added: “Coca-Cola has always focused entirely on non-alcoholic beverages, and this is a modest experiment for a specific slice of our market.

I guess as long as we keep it safe in sarcasm quotes the word "unique" will continue to retain its original meaning. 

“The Chu-Hi category is found almost exclusively in Japan. Globally, it’s not uncommon for non-alcoholic beverages to be sold in the same system as alcoholic beverages. It makes sense to give this a try in our market.”

Me like make money. Give me money. This is bliss.

Coca-Cola’s inaugural foray into the world of alcoholic beverages takes place more than 130 years after the original drink was first launched in the US, minus any alcohol in order to circumvent restrictive prohibition laws.

Because historical illiteracy is kewl!

It coincides with shrinking global demand for soft fizzy drinks, due to health concerns relating to sugar consumption, with sports drinks and water emerging as Coca-Cola’s strongest performing beverages.

The struggles of the world's best writers: "What's another word for soda?" After an hour pouring over the Thesaurus the best I could manage was "fizzy drinks."

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

Meanwhile, Japan’s alcopop market has grown expansively since the country’s first ready-to-drink Chu-Hi product for stores – called hiLicky - was reportedly released in 1983, with young women fuelling sales. 

This allegedly came out in 1983, we are told.

Komment Korner   

There are entire towns in south MN that do not carry Coke.

Truly pathetic comment - is your name ‘chickin lickin’ by any chance?

The flavoring agent goes to make Coke and the cocaine goes to a St Louis Company that purifies it for medicinal purposes and sells it to doctors, dentists, etc.

Similar disgust as Bi chew from China. Shows Coke are finally losing the plot. Warren Buffet should pull his investments

Well no-one's forcing you to drink it. It's a Japanese thing

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Friday, March 2, 2018

News You Can't Use: Elementary School Pilot Program Replaces Detention With Yoga

Faced with the growing problem of our grammar schools becoming white line nightmares we've been offered two excellent solutions to chose from: a .44 magnum concealed in every instructor's lesson plan or hippie nonsense that's so obviously wrong it can't get even get a fair hearing. When making the movie "Class of 1984" a reality is considered a superior option to whatever pedagogical techniques you're hocking it might be time to pack it in, but I'm nothing if not fair and balanced so let's take a look.

A special grant from Denver Public Schools has allowed Doull Elementary to pilot a program where they trade out detention for Yoga.

Once they see that we have no power to actually punish the pathology and we're even willing to reward it, they're bound to become respectful good citizens.

“I teach children the practice of yoga and meditation,” said Trinidad Heffron.

I was a troubled youth who was put on the right path by a midnight yoga league.

For Miss Triny, as the kids call her, and for the school, this is about reevaluating the way they discipline, not taking it easy on the kids.

In my delusional mind this is all very defensible.

“Yoga and meditation, they’re not necessarily an easy practice. I would say it’s challenging, but useful,” said Heffron.
The ability to perform a heavily watered-down version of Hindu mysticism is what most employers are looking for.

“What’s more important? Punishing kids for a mistake they made or teaching them some skills that they can actually use in life to not make the same mistakes again,” said school psychologist Carly Graeber.

Hey, another false dichotomy!

“You can do yoga and you can practice yoga anywhere, any time and maybe when they are riding a bike, they can take deep breath and go, ‘Oh, I’m using my yoga breath,” said Heffron.

We're teaching you how to breathe. Look out, China.

I thought we'd be doing "Greatest of all Time" yoga, not this.

“Math and reading and science and social studies are all so important to us here, but also we’re really in the business of teaching kids social and emotional skills that they can use for their lives, so how to solve problems, how to deal with complicated feelings and things like that,” said Graeber.

We haven't completely given up, honest.

And so every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 3pm you’ll find the kids at detention, practicing mindfulness and hopefully learning how to stay out of trouble. 

My awesome hoping powers should fix everything.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

News You Can't Use: Standing Desks May Lead to Back Pain, Brain Drain

Sitting is bad. It's the new smoking, it compresses the spine, damages your organs and is a convenient scapegoat for your cold and distant relationships with your fellow work units. Standing is also bad, wrecking the joints, causing the footsore and leading to painful "I'm jelling" conversations. If there is  a posture that doesn't destroy our rapidly dying mortal shell we're still looking. Right now the most promising candidates are sobbing in a fetal ball and standing on one leg. The client is losing billions a second over this, we better solve it fast.

Standing desks, compared to conventional office seating, have been lauded for easing back pain, boosting alertness and helping people to lose weight.

I was alerted to all threats in the immediate proximity and lost ten pounds and several inches thanks to the exciting new "bank teller" exercise program.  

But new research suggests that using standing desks may actually not be as good for you as previously believed.  

Ugh, what part of "the science is settled" don't you eggheads understand?

A small but provocative study suggests that standing at a desk for a prolonged period of time can lead to “significant” discomfort and mental sluggishness.

Well, it definitely isn't comfortable, I'm not sure if we really needed a study, even a small one (It was cold, okay?) to confirm this. On the other hand, there's the decreased brain activity, which certainly explains all the bad decisions made by standing individuals in recorded history.

That’s what researchers at Curtin University in Australia found when they studied 20 adult subjects who undertook two hours of laboratory-based standing computer work.

Another Curtin University snob.

“Over time, discomfort increased in all body areas,” they wrote in the journal Ergonomics. “Sustained attention reaction time deteriorated,” they added, but “creative problem solving improved.”

My ability to talk my way out of this goofy "experiment" got much better as we entered the second hour, let me tell you.

The bottom line, researchers noted, is that “prolonged standing should be undertaken with caution.”

Stand up at your own risk, monkey-man.

Your screen ain't even on, bro.

The advice backs up a 2016 report in which adverse effects of standing were found to include “an increase in back pain or varicose veins or being more tired at the end of the day.”

We have scientifically quantified how "tired" or "Grumpy Gus" the subjects were.

Professor Alan Taylor, a physiotherapy expert at Nottingham University in England, told the Telegraph that standing desks are “not a panacea ....” And whether you sit or stand at your job, be sure to make time for a walk.

Next week: study links walking to heart failure, uncontrollable falling down syndrome and low energy.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.