Wednesday, December 6, 2017

News You Can't Use: Chinese Newspaper Near North Korea Offers Advice on Surviving Nuclear Attack

It's about time we update "Duck and Cover" for the exciting new generation that, according to what I've gleaned from Pepsi commercials, is the best ever. Naturally, we'll just have the Chinese do it and import the halfhearted results, just like those Sorny moron boxes and fun lead action dolls. The end product might not be as cheerful as the paranoid turtle, but it will offer the same worthless advice that is sure to put everyone at ease. When you see the Rocket Man flash, you better hide your ass, etc.

An official Chinese newspaper near North Korea has published a page of articles on coping with nuclear attacks, in a sign of growing anxiety over Kim Jong Un’s weapons program.

A massive explosion that leaves nothing but radioactive ash isn't normally the kind of thing you'd "cope" with, as if it's just a bad hair day or whatever. On the other hand, there's no better source of lifestyle advice than official Chinese newspapers.

The Jilin Daily -- the government newspaper of Jilin province on North Korea’s northeastern border -- published articles on page 5 explaining how nuclear weapons work and the damage they cause.

I get most of my news from the Jilin. Here's a insightful article describing how you'd be vaporized by the blast, leaving only a shadow on the ruins to mark your passing. This is Real News.

The paper used cartoons to offer advice on what residents can do about radiation exposure and provided instructions on how to respond during an attack.

Instructions like "put your head between your knees and start kissing your ass goodbye."

Another warned that air raids could mean nuclear, chemical and biological attacks, and used the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an example.

What. I'm pretty sure there were no chemical or biological agents in that attack, but through the miracle of incorrect formatting that seems to be the message.

The cartoon images illustrated how residents should clean their bodies, boots and coats after being exposed to radiation. They suggested taking iodine tablets, if there is radiation nearby.

Real bummer about that Atomic Holocaust. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my cool leather jacket and taking some iodine while my skin peels off.

Goofy Curious George and his little firecracker. Sad!

North Korea, which last week launched a new type of intercontinental ballistic missile, said ahead of the drills that it would consider the “highest-level hard-line countermeasure in history,” according to the state-run Korean Central News Agency.

They also explained how Beloved Leader never cried as a baby and doesn't need to use the bathroom as an adult.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

News You Can't Use: Grown Men Squabble Over Toy Car on Black Friday

Say what you want about so-called "online shopping," which has flash in the pan written all over it, the real action is on "Black Friday." No, not that movie with the brain transplant surgeon who kills mobsters, I'm talking about the retail thunderdomes. Here you can brawl with your fellow human units over minor discounts, cling to the electronics of exotic and far-away Cathay like a giant leech and have the entire humiliating debacle preserved for posterity by ubiquitous cameras and the general voyeuristic tendencies of a dying society. Honestly, think of what you're "saving." It isn't your dignity, but who cares?

A video of four grown men squabbling over a toy car sums up the utter mindlessness that is Black Friday.  

I think this whole "mindlessness" idea is a bridge too far. Clearly there was an advanced thought process and it was "me want toy car."

The clip shows four different people trying to haul away the item, as a woman tells one of the men, “Stop! Let go!”

Why should I let go? What about the other three? How is this fair? So many questions.

Three other men then continue to pathetically push the box in different directions as a store employee looks on despairingly.

If you've ever worked in customer service you know that look very well.

“You’re breaking it!” one woman tells them.

That's what she said! Wait. It really was.

Another store employee then steps in to tell them to “drop it,” before his colleague states, “Neither one of you gets it.”

Man, you phonies don't get it, you aren't with the times. This materialism isn't as important as, like, a sunset or getting nicely baked.

Other videos show fights in malls and stores across the country, including one instance where a woman threw a shoe that hit a baby.

We've conquered disease and famine, built a democracy where power is peacefully exchanged between hostile ideologies and invented special grabbing sticks for the morbidly obese, but you want to focus on some minor shoe throwing infanticide.

 ...and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free...

People are even buying fake Walmart and Best Buy employee vests so they can try to skip the line.

And still there are a few cranks who insist we're not making progress into a better future.

Black Friday is a complete scam based around the myth that shoppers are getting discounts they wouldn’t get at any other time of the year.

Thank you for exposing this ridiculous scam, Infowars. Now to purchase a bottle of Super Alpha Male Brain Vitality Snake Serum from this site for $39.99.

Many of the same deals for which shoppers spend hours camped outside stores are also available online anyway, in some cases days in advance of Black Friday.

Yes, but consider the social aspect you'll miss out on.

Komment Korner   

Meh, I bought a DVD of "War For The Planet Of The Apes". It only cost me $1.57. Not bad for a DVD I was going to get anyway.

0bama's America. NONE of this was happening before the Kenyan Criminal and his side-kick Creepy Joe were elected.

Communist China is having a very good day today. They have a very good day every day, because all the crap we buy is manufactured in China by Chinese using American profits to fund their continuous capital expansion. I'm on the wrong side, I think. Let me practice: Ni hao ma?

When I go BLACK shopping, I take a BaseBall bat and beat the living hell out of anybody in my way. That is what we all should do.
Democrats: "you want to go back to the '50's?? " Me: "OK"

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Which Way Super Powers: The Doomsday Prophecy

I am darkness. I am the night. I am the gosh darn Batman! Well, not really, but through the miracle of a 1986 Which Way book the illusion is nearly seamless. Yes, in addition to creating lazy third-rate Choose Your Own Adventure knock-offs, the Which Way series also obtained a license to use DC Comics characters like that Super guy and the flying rodent ninja. I really can't overstate what a big deal this poorly written and generally work-shy series was in its day: Simon & Schuster as a publisher, major crossover marketing, huge sales, it was all there. This is why any sensible individual would set their time machine for the mid-eighties. In any case, The Dark Knight! I'm having trouble controlling my hype level, even with the "Which Way" logo right there, mocking me and ensuring this one will be disappointing, at best.

This is gonna be totally rad!

The first let-down happens almost immediately, with the book being written in the third person. Yes, instead of being the hero Gotham deserves I'll merely be directing his actions at critical points. I really can't stress how disappointing this is. "Kids won't actually wanna be The Bat," I imagine a bloated money man shouting at the author. "So write this in a different style than all the other Which Way books. Now, it's time for me to go swim in money." This is almost certainly what happened.

Anyways, Bat Man (not me, him, gah) is driving toward the Bat Symbol when it's replaced with a "DEATH'S HEAD." Yes, that's the original capitalization. It must be some kind of set-up, possibly leading to DOOM!!! This is probably the worst first page in any of these books, combining being forced into the role of a largely passive observer with the shouting text and awful plot hook. Stick to bad television reception as a motivator, Which Way.

Meanwhile, the illustration of the Batmobile suggests the goofy television show and not the dark brooding hero of the movies. This is going to hurt. A lot.

I instruct the former League of Shadows disciple to radio Commissioner Gordon to see what the trouble is. He tells us it's not a big deal and the signal is being fixed and sometimes you get random DEATH'S HEAD issues with giant lamps, it's really nothing. Instead, I need to go to Washington D.C. for a 4th of July celebration because nothing spells summer fun like the grim protector of a decadent and dying city shaking hands and officiating the three-legged-race. You can't really argue with this logic.

Mr. Batman goes to Washington.

Naturally, Batman is greeted by Fake News immediately upon arriving at the swamp on the Potomac. Specifically, The Riddler has promised "the end of Batman," now that he's done "hacking" the 1984 election, I guess. Time to rush over to the White House and protect The Gipper from the least intimidating villain ever.

Then there's riddles and the power goes out. If there had been a Timothy Nolan movie with the Riddler, this would have been the plot, I guarantee it. The last student of Ra's al Ghul then solves a riddle and rushes over to the U.S. Mint to stop a "heist." This is the dark, gritty and intelligent action that we were promised. Riddler and his goons are waiting and attempt to crush the nocturnal predator with a giant novelty coin. Yeah. Really.

Our secret weapon to defeat Mr. Brexit and the Catalon Crusader.

Using a grappling hook Batman is able to redirect the coin and it somehow bounces around and defeats Mr. Question Mark and his goons. It's then explained that the plan was to "destroy the economy" with a glut of worthless money, which sounds more like an evil scheme from Soros Man than Edward Nigma's fey alter-ego. All is well, though, because we saved our currency from being deliberately debased by powerful evil figures and I'm sure we'll never end up 20 trillion in debt or whatever now.

I'll use fiat currency against the caped clod!

This wasn't, you know, "good," or anything, but it was short and forgettable. Since this is the goal of every Which Way book, it has to be considered a success, at least on some level. Also, nothing that happened had anything to do with either "doomsday" or "prophecy," but I guess "The Prancing Federal Reserve Criminal" is a strictly inferior as a title choice, false advertisement notwithstanding.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

News You Can't Use: Bus-Sized Asteroid Heading for Earth TODAY

I wish I had something more relevant to herald my triumphant return from another long absence, but instead it's just a dull piece about our impending destruction by space rocks. We're staring down the barrel of mass extinction events, the end of civilization and the very real possibility of losing cell phone coverage. Luckily, it actually isn't going to happen, but hey, everyone enjoys sensationalism and literal "sky is falling" over-reaction, right? Hey, come back here!

The newly-discovered space rock – named Asteroid 2017 TD6 – is expected to zoom past our planet at around at around 7.53pm. 

Maybe the headline shouldn't have strongly implied it was going to hit us in light of this new revelation, but on the other hand I'm sure relieved. It's like the end of one of those 20/20 pieces about people dying in public pools and I realize I never go in pools, ever, and a sort of catharsis occurs. Yes, like that.

It will be travelling at a distance of 191,000km away from civilisation.

Since I'm an American I have no idea if that's close or not.

According to NASA the chunk of rock is a whopping 22m wide.

After several hours of researching the so-called "metric" system I can now inform my beloved readership that 2017 TD6 falls into the "no big deal" category.

Last week another asteroid made a close shave with Earth, as it soared past at a distance of just 27,000 miles above the surface. And experts have warned a second bus-sized asteroid will zoom past our planet again today at half the distance between the Earth and the moon.

If I'd known you'd do the conversion for me in the very next sentence I could have saved a lot of time. Also, Europe, are we talking one of those red-double decker deals or a normal correct bus with only one floor like it's supposed to be?

But thankfully, experts predict there is no threat of it hitting out planet.

This is great news. I really didn't want to miss out on the College Football.

The asteroid was discovered by the Pan-STARRS survey in Hawaii last Wednesday.

A talent agency, by the sound of it.

While 2017 TD6 is expected to miss our planet, if it did hit Earth, experts believe it would be worst than the impact of the 59ft asteroid that hit the city of
Chelyabinsk in Russia in 2013.

It might break a few windows and knock some icons off the wall, in other words.

During its journey, the asteroid narrowly missed communications satellites orbiting 22,236 miles above Earth.

The nightmare of losing Instagram and the latest "hook up" "apps," narrowly averted. 

But in one of its next passes with Earth, experts suggest that 2012 TC4 may not miss.

This is not helping our "Why are all scientists liars?" problem, let me tell you.

The near-misses coincide with end of the world fears. Doomsayers believe a huge alien world called Nibiru or Planet X is hurtling through space towards us – and will hit tomorrow.

This is the kind of thing a, for example, Hawaii observatory or perhaps the naked eye, would be able to notice, but on the other hand think of the awesome cognitive dissonance these true believers have to look forward to.

The planet will cause devastation on Earth with a direct hit or catastrophic near miss, believers warn.

We needed an extra paragraph for this article, so here's some totally inane Chicken Little drivel. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner

What is it with your obsession regarding the end of the earth stories EVERYDAY. Why don't you give us all a break and report some REAL news.

I'm more worried about the 18 wheelers that that are near misses or collisions on the interstate highways each and everyday.

This site needs an editor that understands english spelling and grammar

Why have you used miles away for one and kilometer away for the other?

Space junk debris constantly flames out in the atmosphere.

OK.  So much for scientists.  I would have rather not known.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: Halifax Cafe Goes 'Screen Free,' Sparks Backlash

Constantly staring into tiny glowing screens is the bedrock on which one builds a healthy society. These travel-size Skinner boxes dispense important meaningless approval and vanity, the currency that purchases life's mythical hidden meaning. In light of all this one can't help but stare in dull surprise at a cafe that decides this critical component of a correctly lived biological imprisonment would be banned, a sort of "busted on dress code" for people who would never, ever, be welcome in the coolest clubs. Less surprising is the "backlash." You can strip away all my basic freedoms, but mess with the electronic choke chain and it's on like a neck-bone.

A popular Halifax cafe and bar found itself in a firestorm of caffeine-fuelled controversy Tuesday after declaring itself "screen free" after 5 p.m.

I'm a caffeine-fueled (only one "L," fraud news) passive-aggressiveness machine.

Lion and Bright cafe, in the city's hip north end, recently posted signs informing patrons of the rule, which requires work-related screens such as laptops and tablets to be put away during the evening. 

Yes, "work-related." It's critical to my corporate fast-track salt mine that this thing is on, all the time. I'm not crushing imaginary candy on there, no sir. Hard at work all the time, you better believe it.

"Close your screens, meet your neighbours! Lion & Bright is now screen free after 5 p.m. daily," the sign read in a photo posted to Facebook. An asterisk at the bottom of the sign said: "Includes Kindles, tablets, iPads, etc."

Try out some of that so-called human interaction, if your "tablet" hasn't already made you completely inept at it.

The rule sparked a debate online, and while a few people were receptive to the change, others declared it "pretentious." 

It still hasn't been called "vacuous" but it's probably only a matter of time.

A Twitter user named Simon Leither said: "Well, I know where I won't be going. I can manage my own device usage, be a social human being and engage with people on my own terms."

I don't need your phony RULES, man. I'm a free man and a hero. You just lost a Twitter user named Simon Leither. Now what. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Another Twitter user named Philip Moscovitch said: "Weird for a place that has tables specifically reserved for people who are working, and that is full of people working all the time. "

From now on "Twitter User" and maybe "former child" will be replacing the degrees I've earned on my C.V.

The backlash prompted the restaurant to issue a press release late Tuesday afternoon apologizing if the rule came off as "patronizing and haughty." 

Apologizing for haughtiness? What kind of "Twitter User" would even care? Many such cases! Sad!

"This was not our intention," the release said. "Being committed to openness and building a safe space for community to gather, we have taken the constructive feedback and have decided to edit those signs with a clearer message."

It's now impossible to take any action or to not take any action without offending huge chunks of an atomized, dying civilization.

It said the rule was "strictly for the benefit of our clientele to enjoy the dynamic space and offerings we've created in the community."

"I was just trying to help you!" as you're forced in front of a wall riddled with bullet holes and dried blood.

In an interview Tuesday afternoon, owner Sean Gallagher said the rule has always been in place, but had not been advertised previously in a clear way.

We have always been at war with iPads. 

"We had no idea it was going to be a bold move, but it's turning into one on social media, which is interesting and insightful," Gallagher said.

I feel like I'm, you know, learning a lot.

 I can manage my device usage.

He clarified that the rule does not include things like smartphones or reading a book on a Kindle -- only devices being used for work purposes.

This is Paul Ryan levels of backpedaling and groveling.

"It's a work hard, play hard philosophy," said Gallagher.

I believe in following my own star and all that.

HotBlack Coffee in downtown Toronto has not offered Wi-Fi since opening last year, in an attempt to foster a community atmosphere. One New York City chain has decided to do without at most of its outlets as well.

In New York we don't play, sucker, so all the coffee marks meekly accepted this new reign of terror.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

News You Can't Use: Monster-Sized Goldfish are Taking Over an Alberta City

I've always assumed the purpose of goldfish is to provide children with an easily understood lesson in mortality and the exciting secondary functions a toilet can perform. That and maybe poor memory analogies, but even that's pushing it as far as I'm concerned. As it turns out, there are also "monster" versions of our forgetful die-easy friends and they're literally "taking over" Alberta City. Canada, I don't know what to say. At least our cities get conquered by credible threats like mole people and drug addicts in cartoon costumes.

Workers have dipped nets and a naturally occurring chemical into a storm water retention pond near Edmonton in a bid to kill thousands of unwanted goldfish that have made the water body home.

Goldfish that won't die swim that rivers of Bizarro World. Fortunately a "naturally occurring" chemical (cyanide) can be used to coat nets in doomed, fifties monster movie style attempts to save Edmonton.

Officials say the aquatic invaders are the result of goldfish reproducing after people released their unwanted pets into the wild or flushed them down the toilet.

Look what you goofball macgundies did. Our ecosystem is done like dinner.

Leah Kongsrude, St. Albert’s environment director, says she’s seen captured goldfish up to 30 centimetres in length, compared to ones sold by pet stores that measure only about two centimetres.

Since I'm American I have no idea how big or small that is. You might as well be speaking Sanskrit.

Kongsrude says goldfish are hardy and can out-compete naturally occurring species for food.

It sounds like the plot to a Sci-Fi Channel Original. Tonight: Whoa Canada, The Monster Goldfish Power Play.

Crews used nets on Tuesday to remove the reddish-gold swimmers and also applied the chemical, Rotenone, which is used to remove unwanted fish species from fresh water.

We'll be pouring chemicals into our fresh water. Don't worry, it's fine. That awkward moment when the "alien reptilian" conspiracy cranks are fully vindicated. We gotta stop those "reddish-gold swimmers." Coming up with synonyms for my high quality writing, it's a lot harder than it looks. 

Kongsrude said the city is lucky the fish are just in the pond and not in the Sturgeon River, which flows through St. Albert. 

Yeah, you really caught a break, Canucks.

“We pumped this pond down and froze it right to the bottom in the winter and they were back in the spring. So they can live with very limited oxygen and low water temperatures.”

We're running out of non-nuclear solutions.

“As much as your cute goldfish is in your tank, as soon as you let it out into the natural environment they grow, they become very competitive,” said Kongsrude.

Somehow your dead goldfish are undergoing some sort of dark resurrection and returning as unkillable monsters.

Alberta Environment has also come up with what Kongsrude called the best way to dispose of a dead fish — a fish coffin. 

Hey tuna, here's your tin.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

News You Can't Use: Denver Nurses Suspended for Opening Body Bag to Admire Man’s Genitals

By now we've all marveled at the heroic nurse in Utah who obeyed the hospital's rules even under pain of arrest and we've all expressed our deep admiration with various yellow "emotion faces" and poorly worded and spelled praise. Life keeps moving, however, and today's newest hero nurses are probably a bit below the high standard of professional that was said on the fateful day in the Beehive State. On the other hand, "penis," which is never not funny or wildly entertaining.

Five nurses at Denver Health Medical Center were suspended for three weeks after they inappropriately viewed a deceased patient’s body and talked about it, a hospital spokesman confirmed to Denver7 Investigates Tuesday.

Every painful rep in the gym, every foul-tasting glass of water mingled with peppermint flavor gorilla combat powder, every doughnut and beer heroically refused, all of physical culture in general points toward this end goal: having nurses get all excited over your dead body. Look at the abs on that cadaver! Man, you can tell this deadster avoided junk food. Died anyway, but still.

A tip to Denver7 said the nurses disciplined admired the size of the deceased patient’s genitals and at one point opened a body bag to view parts of the body. A hospital spokesman confirmed details of the incident.

You can make your own joke about "stiffs," I'm way too classy and intellectual to sink to that level.

A different nurse heard one of the disciplined nurses make a comment in May that the nurse felt was inappropriate and reported it to hospital staff, Denver Health Medical Center spokesman Josh Rasmussen said.

In other words there's usually some warning signs before your Obama Care professional becomes obsessed with deceased reproductive organs.

“Multiple staff members viewed the victim while he was incapacitated, including after he was deceased,” a Denver Police report says. “The complainant, Risk Management for Denver Health, made a mandatory report.”

I want all of you to stop giggling and enforce the law.

 That common male fantasy of being injected with radioactive material.

Denver Police confirm they responded to the incident but say the decision was made to have Denver Health Medical Center handle the issue internally.

Anyone who makes a joke about "handling this internally" will be immediately arrested, so don't even think about it.

Komment Korner   

Perverts, all of them.

What a shame.

I work with dozens of male nurses. You are grossly out of date. And they are great nurses as well!

Well, you have one thing right, I would never hang out with or date someone who thinks jokes disparaging others are funny.

My friends make fun of me for a wide variety of reasons. I have thick skin.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.