Wednesday, March 29, 2017

News You Can't Use: Family Offended After Stranger Addresses Mourners

Your opinions and observations are extremely valuable and it's important that you share them with the world as often as possible. Whether yelling things at a bus station, sharing your plans to fix society from a bar stool or laying down sick insight at a stranger's funeral there's never a bad time to run that mouth. Trust me, everyone will be grateful, you certainly won't be called a racist and we'll all profit from the thoughts are too good to hoard all to yourself when everyone else is begging for them like the salivating hounds that we surely are.

A Quincy family was stunned when a stranger suddenly got up at their mother’s funeral and started making comments which they feel were racially insensitive to the Asian community.

This is not the time to make that Kamikaze joke, it really isn't.

On March 18th, Adrian Wong delivered the eulogy to his mother who passed away from lung cancer. “She was not a smoker. Not exposed to secondhand smoke. Never worked with chemicals. She was simply unlucky,” he told a room full of mourners.

I always thought the role of a eulogy was to praise the deceased and not to serve as an instant replay review of their final hours, possibly laying the groundwork for some sort of Perry Mason investigation or whatever. I better quick get on the microphone and tell everyone this just flashed across the cortex.

Adrian was supposed to be the only speaker, but when he finished, a man named David Small, who the family didn’t know, got up, uninvited, and started addressing mourners.

This is not the time or the place to debut your "dirty South" rap career.

Small speculated that it was “smoke in Asian churches” that led to Carol Tan Wong’s death.

You know what, that's really good. Here's a participation trophy, congratulations on showing up and sharing your social retardation.

“I’m not affected by this but I see that the smoke in the church in the Asian churches is so prevalent that I gag when I go inside,” Small said, adding when a funeral director asked him to step aside, “I hope what I’ve told you about the smoke in the church is not taken in offense. I mean it’s your culture.”

No, hold up dawg, I gotta finish this point. I'm just saying it gets all smokey in your ding ling ping ping rooms, that's all. I'm not trying to be offensive, really. It's just like a fog up in durr, that's all.

The Wong family was offended and posted a video of Small’s comments on YouTube.

I was so offended I had to show it to the entire world. Be sure to thumbs up, subscribe and share this horrible moment we all want to forget. Man, basic propriety could not be more dead.

Adrian Wong demanded an apology from Small because he believed the comments to be a broad misperception about the Asian community.

Yes, "smoke in the churches" is a pretty common and hateful stereotype, let's get a coerced apology. People mourn in strange ways, etc.

“I think he owes an apology not just to me, but to the entire community.”

You'll have to go door-to-door or something.

 Now you have to apologize to every Irish person, too.

Small, a private investigator in Quincy, told WBZ-TV he was invited to the funeral by his girlfriend who he says is Asian.

Look at the mess my serial monogamy got me into this time.

Small said he was trying to make the point that in his opinion there’s a “high rate of smoking in the Asian community, and Asians burn incense in their churches, which is a health risk.”

If I could interpret basic social cues this might have been prevented, but I can't.

Small says he sends a heartfelt apology to the Wong family.

Problem solved???

Full Article.

Komment Korner 

How psychotic do you have to be to get up in a funeral where you don’t know anyone and speculate on what killed grandma?

Remember what that clown who is married to the other clown with a really huge butt  

I don’t see the big deal, I go to unknown funerals all the time and speak at length about the ills of society 


He picked the Wong funeral to start this stuff.

Thank you, Ted Kennedy.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

News You Can't Use: Parrots Flying High on Drugs are Annoying Farmers

This is one of those headlines where there's probably nothing I can say that will either add to or detract from the level of ridiculous. Honestly, are we talking "Polly want a crack rock" and how that is somehow proving annoying to the tillers of the soil? There's even some horrible puns about "flying high." Let's just dig in.

Parrots flying high on drugs are annoying farmers by plundering their poppy fields to feed their opium addiction.

Brightly colored flying junkies bother farmers growing the deadly crop, no doubt with the intention of using it for rope or muffins. It's the Alfred Hitchcock re-imagining with extreme modern sensibilities (and idiocy). Birds 2: One More Fix.

The drug-addicted birds sit perched in wait until the morphine-rich area is exposed by workers slitting open the flowers' pods to help them ripen.

It's rare to see humans being completely out-smarted by animals with a brain the size of a large walnut in any venue that isn't a Loony Tunes cartoon, but get used to it, this article has plenty of this.

The parrots then swoop down in silence into the opium fields - having learned not to squawk - and frantically nibble off the stalks below the pod before they are spotted. 

The wise, wise men growing the arm candy, meanwhile, have learned nothing.

Video shows them retreating to high branches where they gorge on the plants leaving them sleeping for hours - and even falling to their death.

Just don't do it.

Farmers now claim they are getting warnings from the Government's narcotics department - which controls opium farming - over their reduced yields.

"We need more narcotics" says highly legitimate third world government.

Sobharam Rathod, an opium farmer from Neemach, India, estimates parrots are stealing around ten per cent of his crop and he has been given a warning.

The exciting new frontier of "dog ate my homework."

"Like we keep an eye on them, but they also keep an eye on us."

I tried my awesome unkind glance power, but somehow they retaliated.

In 2015 drug raiding parrots were reported in Chittorgarh in the state of Rajasthan.

You know, the popular vacation hot-spot of Rajasthan.

According to farmers, drugged birds have become easy target for their predators thanks to their dopey state.

And yet there's still plenty of fine feathered addicts, somehow.

Farmers have tried bursting firecrackers, beating tin drums and hurling stones to keep the birds away - but to no avail.

I tried everything: drum solos, whipping M-80s, you name it.

Another farmer in Neemach added: "It is difficult to control these parrots. "We have to spend hours in our fields to shoo them away."

We were soundly defeated, but not for a lack of moronic and doomed counter-measures.

Komment Korner  

Should Cancer patients not get relief from their pain?

you sound like an addict  

have they tried chasing them with drones? or model planes that look like hawks?

Now if they could find a stool pigeon to rat them out....well then. 


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

News You Can't Use: The Antarctic is Turning LUMINOUS GREEN

Spring is almost here, as evidenced by the piles of freshly fallen snow, high scathing winds and massive freeway pile-ups caused by "white outs." Yes, it's hard not to get that fever. Especially since the green is returning. By that, of course, I mean sickly looking glowing ice in the South Pole that has confused hapless scientists and prompted all sorts of wild speculation. This one is clearly going to be a huge deal, so let me help you get in at the ground floor.

The luminous-looking green ice already covers about 650 square miles (about 1000 square kilometres) – and it is growing by the day.

How can we stop this? Will giving up my car, flush toilet and light bulbs help? Please say it will.

NASA scientists who spotted the bizarre green ice among the thousands of routine survey pictures taken from 700 miles up by US satellite Landsat 8 are baffled.

"We were just doing some routine ice surveillance, funded with your tax dollars. I was all, 'Yup, that's ice, too' when I saw the freaky green, man."

As ever aliens have been blamed by online conspiracy theory forums. 

Is such a thing even possible?

But of course NASA boffins have offered more credible alternatives.

You boffin m8? That ice science is just extra, innit?

The best theory climate scientists have come up with is that the freakish green-tinged ice is probably due to a massive bloom of phytoplankton.

Just like in our new food substitute, the one that is definitely not people. This does make more slightly more sense than "random vandalism from saucer overlords."

Mmmmmm, tasty phytoplankton.

 Marine glaciologist Jan Lieser of Australia's Antarctic Climate and Ecosystems Cooperative Research Center reported to NASA's Earth Observatory that in 2012 a team had recorded an enormous bloom in late February and early March.

I guess we got you all excited for nothing. Sorry about that.

Scientists on an expedition to observe the green swirls found that the bloom was not free-floating algae, but green sea ice, or sea ice with algae growing on it.

Sorry, what? I kinda nodded off while you were explaining.

The pictures were snapped by the space agency's Operational Land Imager (OLI) on their Landsat 8 satellite.

I hope you liked it, you paid for it.

Komment Korner   

I saw this movie. It's "Alien vs Predator" and the Alien is escaping from the sea at the antarctic.

Some Irishman got there with some green dye.

"mysterious object under the Pacific Ocean" Duh it's Captain America  

Uh oh, that's what happened in the northern hemisphere arctic before Godzilla busted out of the ice.

May be aliens are growing their  own weed.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

News You Can't Use: More than 30 Residents Thought to be 'Possessed by the Devil'

The pursuit of truth means a lot to me, so it stands to reason that we must confront the most important breaking news of our time here, in this mystical arena. No, not the CIA using your big-screen pacification device to spy on you and your loved ones. Here, we don't play, it's all about what's real, namely Central American demon possession that occurred following events so incredible that they could easily have been used to inspire a rejected Netflix series. Start with the discovery of evil dolls, throw in some always entertaining staggering superstition, let England's best newspaper tell it and here we are.

A community is in crisis after more than 30 of its villagers have been 'possessed by the devil ' after discovering a voodoo doll.

Well, that's not how voodoo dolls work according to any movie I've ever seen, but I guess any excuse is a good one to shake up your sleepy, deeply impoverished village. We can either keep talking about failing crops and rebel armies or have some spooky fun, easy choice.

Residents living in Santa Tomas, close to Waspan, in the south of Nicaragua, are said to be suffering from grisi siknis (translated into English as 'crazy sickness').

Translated as the Chilly Willies or Goofy Loopy depending on which dialect we're using, it's not good news for an area that previously was doubtlessly a favored tourist destination for obscenely wealthy Yankees.

Grisi siknis is a culture-bound syndrome that most often affects communities in Central America.

I'll just tuck away that bit of knowledge, for now. Save it for the next cocktail party.

The contagious syndrome often exhibits symptoms such as nausea, anxiety, dizziness, irrational anger and fear, as well as periods of 'rapid frenzy'.

These are all the same symptoms caused by those pills that control your bladder hostility, oddly enough.

Terrifyingly, each time a person is 'possessed', they name the next victim of the disease.

The world's scariest game of "red rover."

One woman who lives in the community, known as Marisella, has attempted to help her neighbours by creating homemade remedies to 'cure' the syndrome.

We were so impressed by the efforts of this heroic woman, on woman's day or whatever no less, that we're going to break out the sarcasm quotes. 

She creates medicines, which are poured across the back of the affected villager in the hope that it will ward off the evil spirits.

At this point, what do you really have to lose?

After investigating the disease further, Marisella said she believes that she has found the cause - a small voodoo doll.

A glimpse at the future of our healthcare system?

Speaking to Central America media, she said: "A doll with black ribbon and a cross marked on its face [has been found in a street]. "It suggests that it's affected by dark spells and bad influences. A type of bad spirit."

Real News. Good spirits die in darkness.

The villagers have now decided to burn the doll.

How to put an end to all those "Conjuring" spin-offs.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Saturday, March 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: Lonely Japanese Man Who Amassed a SIX-TON Pile of Dirty Magazines Died When it Collapsed on Top of Him

What is the best death? Slipping away painlessly in your sleep? Sacrificing yourself for some noble cause? Passing into your reward fully contented, surrounded by family and loved ones? I'm not sure I know the answer, but I can tell you what isn't: being crushed to death under your "I only read the articles" onanism collection and not being found for six months because literally no one noticed you were entombed beneath a mountain of aspiring actresses, tasteful celebrity skin and tips on fashion and stereo systems.

A lonely Japanese man who amassed more than six tons of porn died when a huge pile of magazines fell on top of him.

Dying by wacky misadventure is bad enough, you don't have to add forever alone and a strategic self-abuse reserve to the equation.

And even more tragically, the man's body was only discovered six months later when the landlord entered the flat to find out why the rent had not been paid.

If you think no one cares about your existence and you don't matter at all, try missing a few payments.

The man's lowly death was revealed by a member of the cleaning team, who said his company had been hired to remove the magazines discreetly in a way that would not be noticed by neighbours and the man's family to save them from the shame.

There's no reason anyone has to commit seppuku over this, we'll discretely remove all the men's lifestyle "reading" material over a period of several weeks.

It was unclear if he had suffered a heart attack and fallen into the stacks of magazines which had then fallen on top of him, or whether he had been crushed by the mass of paper. 

It's stuff like this that makes me wish "Unsolved Mysteries" would come back on the air, but then I remember all the "First I'm gonna rob you, then I'm gonna kill you" stories it liked to feature and I'm glad it's gone.

But the cleaner said that if he was still conscious, the paper would probably have muffled his cries.

I just love all these CSI: Miami details, it really adds to the overall experience of "friendless and dateless pervert suffers ironic demise."

There were also clippings from erotic magazines where it appeared the man had cut out his favourite articles, and thrown away the rest of the magazine. 

LOL, articles. Now it feels like we're both riffing on this profoundly depressing tragedy.

 You actually can judge this by the cover.

Despite his trimming, at the time of his death the collection weighed in at six metric tons (13,228 pounds).  

What we do in this life echoes in eternity.

Komment Korner   


play the Sailor Moon Theme Song at his wedding

When they found him he was stiff as a board.

Guess he didnt have an internet connection

No "happy ending" to this story.

He did the right thing, real women are just too much trouble, fantasy is better.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.