Wednesday, June 29, 2016

News You Can't Use: K2 'Zombies' at Brooklyn Intersection

There's a reason that New York City is the only city in America and quite possibly the world that actually matters and that reason is we just don't play, sucka. From Hello Kitty costume wearing junkies that will straight-up rush you, to mole people and of course the next President it's clear that living in The City is both no big deal and the biggest deal possibly imaginable, all at once. Stuff is so thick down here in Manny-Hanny that even fake dope users are a clear and present danger. Yes, abusers who can't even enter the Elmo Union are clearly no picnic, either. I heart sign this city so much it probably ain't even healthy.

A street corner in Brooklyn is one of the worst spots in the city for synthetic marijuana use, with users lighting up in broad daylight, passing out on sidewalks and stumbling out into traffic, according to reports.

Much like that episode of Degrassi Junior High where the prankster kid took vitamins and pretended to be high, except, I guess, slightly less humorous.

Even longtime residents of Bed-Stuy and Bushwick say drug use at the intersection of Broadway and Myrtle Avenue has reached “epidemic” levels.

I mean, "foughetta bout it." I've seen some crazy stuff during my time in the Earthly purgatory that is Bushwick, but these new placebo effect druggies are the absolute worst.

One man said: “I’ve lived here for more than 20 years, and it’s terrible now.”

Ten minutes to deadline, better quick whip-up a fake quote (for a story on fake dope!!!) that has no attribution whatsoever. That journalism school bunco, man.

Synthetic marijuana, also known as K2, is illegal to sell in New York City under legislation passed last fall amid a spike in use. But stores near Broadway and Myrtle are still dealing it — police have reportedly issued hundreds of summonses to store owners, according to a report in DNAinfo New York.

When we made it illegal we didn't, you know, think we'd have to do anything like go in stores or whatever. We were pretty sure the honor system would handle things in a city one bad day away from a return to a state of nature.

Lately, locals have been complaining about quality-of-life issues associated with the drug. 

"I barely felt anything at all from this hocus-pocus!"

New York City health officials issued warnings last spring after synthetic marijuana sent 160 people to hospitals in a little over a week.

There they were given sugar pills to treat the imaginary overdose effects.

The Death Wish vigilante probably doesn't agree.

“It’s an epidemic, every borough, every hood. Just look at the people on the corner, they look like zombies,” Trevor Tyrrell told DNAinfo.

I can handle cannibalistic underground dwellers, giant rats and roving violence gangs, but these zombies might be too much.

Last month a man with a dagger was shot and wounded by police in Bergen Beach, Brooklyn.

Yes, a dagger. Not unlike in "Mazes and Monsters." As a wizard it's the only weapon I'm allowed to use. These are my spells, I guard them with my life.

One teen who was at a rehab center at the time described the drug as a “big blackout.”

Not exactly the next Hunter S. Thompson, but it's the best we've got.

Komment Korner   

I’ve made $64,000 so far this year w0rking 0nline and I’m a full time student.

Doesn't unfettered liberalism bring about utopia?

60% of K8-K12 comprehension tested can not pass reading test. 60%... Only 43% can do math. We are sure doing a great job. But, they all know the size of Kardasians posterior.

They're obviously not the brighest among us but they are not doing anything in conflict with natural law.

I get paid £96 every hour from online jobs. I never thought I’d be able to do it

That's the spirit. Thinking hurts. Don't risk it. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Twistaplot #4 Golden Sword of Dragonwalk

After another one of my patented lengthy hiatuses (Hey, those sovereign citizens getting owned videos aren't going to review themselves!) it's back at it with a return to the miserable blasted wasteland that is Twist-a-Plot. Last time, when there was still snow on the ground, I enjoyed an interactive and significantly shorter and less symbolic re-imagining of Moby Dick. Today it looks like a dream world of fantasy is on the menu. With R.L. Stine holding the pen instead of the usual Z-list it might even be fair to go into this with some moderately raised expectations. On the other hand, Twist-a-Plot.

What "The Hobbit" really needed was goofy apropos to nothing purple bubbles.

One can only marvel at the general competence and minimal levels of respect for the reader on display from the future Goosebumps creator. In just two short and largely painless pages we set up the secular Narnia analogue, introduce an annoying sidekick character that is described as such and get some pretty sweet prose game. Honestly, you can see why this guy went on to have such a long and successful career just from the opening. The upshot of all of this is the discovery of a "passageway" behind a bookcase that might possibly lead into a world of dragons and heroic sword swingers.

Still, it's Twist-a-Plot so I'm forced to drag along little sister analogue "Stacy" with me into whatever amazing secrets lie beyond the pleasing and practical furniture. with her complaining the entire way. Why include something that's intended to annoy? Was it so very necessary to have someone else present to exchange expository dialogue with? I mean, I hate writing descriptions too, but I don't try to come up with elaborate and odious end-arounds.

True dat.

Anyway I'm in what's basically the medieval portion of the Westworld amusement park. I meet the sorcerer "Merle" and before he can tell me how he turned 21 in magician prison because no one could stop him from doing evil magic but momma tried we've got a dragon issue. Basically "starving" myth-lizards are using the village as a free-range cafeteria and attempts to solve this issue with independent contractors have failed, devastating the local economy. Stacy is repeatedly asking to "go home" while this is being explained, because that always vastly improves a "these are dark days!" exposition dump.

I announce my candidacy to be the next doomed dragon fighter and the Gandalf wannabe helpfully provides the legendary "Golden Sword of Dragonwalk," expressing disappointment that I've never heard of it. He than concedes it doesn't really have any special powers other than, I guess, being relatively sharp, and instead the order one fights the three dragons is critical. An order I've have to guess. This whole set-up is causing some very unpleasant memories to come rushing back.

"Merle," as depicted on the aesthetically displeasing alternate cover.

Merle is no help in what the proper order is, instead running like a scalded hound at the approach of the scaly fantasy world cliches. I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own, presumably by staring at a wall and having that mistaken for narcotics intoxication. The "little" one will probably get there first, so that's a logical first target, than maybe go after the "big" monster, since it will presumably be more of a threat than the mediocre in all categories "middle" one. Sure, makes sense. Let's get this mother on.

Screaming a battle cry I enter the last good fight and, incredibly, eat the lunch of the small reptilian, leaving it in a defeated heap after chopping it down. The victory is short-lived as the super size American version of the fire lizard is right there to replace it. I show my mettle by dropping the sword while Merle praises my not dying abilities. You might be speaking a little prematurely, dudemar.

With heroic effort I pull the sword loose from a stone (ugh) and hack away at the dragon alpha male until it collapses and dies like the giant wuss that it is. The middle dragon is so demoralized by the death of its comrades that it just stands there and let's me run it through like this is the end of a bullfight or something. Victory! 

Another multi-level marketing scam, no doubt.

In return for saving the village and defeating three Satan metaphors the wizard offers to grant one wish, something he apparently has the power to do but for whatever reason decided not to use to wish away the monsters preying on the feudal property. Naturally good old Stacy wishes to go back home and this is granted even though the wish was clearly given to me. You know, the guy that saved everyone. If there was a fireplace in this room this book would be going into it right about now. Instead the story goes back to the other choice you were given at the beginning and we're done here.

No monkey paw, bro.

Overall the surprisingly high quality of the writing can't save this one from the unusually high level of fatal flaws the author decided we'd enjoy. Annoying child sidekick, annoying Greek chorus wizard, random luck battles, ruin a wish, massive internal logic flaws, etc. Honestly, just one of them would have ruined the experience, why did we have to pile on like this? Then I looked at the cover again, saw the Twist-a-Plot logo and answered my own question.

I kill dragons.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

News You Can't Use: People Under 30 Have Way Weaker Grips

Let's talk about grip, baby. Let's talk about the good things and the bad things. Or in this case, because it's Generation Nothing, it's going to be nothing but bad things. It turns out the younger set have hand strength that's no less than "way" weaker compared to their elders. How "way weaker" stacks up against other qualitative measure like "totally" and "buffo" is a mystery we will attempt to solve together as we delve into a nightmare cavern of flimsy handshakes and unopened jars.

If you get a weak handshake from a millennial, don’t blame him or her. It could be a generational thing.

"Ah, no one's blaming you, noodle arms. Your whole loser generation is like this." *spits chaw*

Researchers from the Winston-Salem State University in North Carolina found that men and women under 30 have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.

The more affordable version of Duke busts this scandal wide open. Back in '85 we were freakin' demigods, man. We crushed rocks all day, just to see the powdered ruins and think "Tonight I'll be snortin' lines."

Their work was published (paywall) in the Journal of Hand Therapy.

Sorry, if you want "hand therapy" at the end of your Oriental massage it will cost extra. But it's worth it, trust me.

The researchers asked almost 240 men and women under 30—most 20 to 24 years old—to exert as much force as they could on a hand dynamometer, which measures grip force in pounds.

This is the most righteous University study I've ever encountered. Win-Sal deserves all the federal money they want and then some.

On average, men’s hand strength decreased by 20 pounds, and women’s hand strength decreased by 10 pounds.

Behold, the wonders of the modern world.

The culprit? Probably a combination of increased technology use at home and at work, and less manual labor.

The other theory, namely "Nothin' wrong with you little punks that another Vietnam wouldn't fix" was removed from the final draft of the study.

Seriously, I have no idea where you guys come from.

It’s possible that looser grip strength could translate into a weaker handshake. That would be bad news for millennials, because handshakes have long been an important measure we use to size up someone we’ve just met. 

Better practice making yourself appear bigger and baring your fangs while howling, Jayden. Dominance ritual is how our world works, from the boardroom to the bedroom.

Better yet, follow these basic tips on delivering a good handshake—which it turns out is more about eye contact and sensitivity to the other’s cues than it is about massive grip strength.

It's not just about jack hammering that hand like you're tearing up sidewalk. You've got to be sensitive to the verbal and non-verbals cues, take your time, be intimate and realize that not ever handshake ends with total satisfaction for both parties.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Sunday, June 19, 2016

News You Can't Use: Shark Killed After Tourists Drag it Out of the Water for Pictures

Here in the Northern Hemisphere the miracle of axial tilt has brought warmer weather and this means off to the beach, dudemar. Yes, it's time for beach party beers, skin cancer, premature wrinkling, hanging ten and dragging animals out of the water and letting them slowly die in agony while we pose around the body and take lots of self-photography. After a long winter it's hard to blame people for these excesses, but we're going to anyway because the welfare of the little brother of Jaws matters a lot, just like everything else.

A shark was killed after a group of tourists and lifeguards dragged the helpless creature out of the water so they could take pictures with it.

When you think of swimming garbage disposals the words "helpless creature" are probably not the first ones to pop into your head, but no one likes tourists even though our local economy depends on them, so let's tut tut over the most shocking crime against nature since tiger selfies.

In a shocking video recorded in the Dominican Republic, a group of seven men race into the water before cautiously approaching the large shark and pulling it to shore.

You could argue that the constant influx of new "shocking videos" combined with the increasingly diminished levels of horror they deliver (Oh no, not the shark!) is turning us into jaded, emotionless nihilists. I mean, what are the odds this was even the worst thing to happen in the Dominican Republic on this particular day, let alone the rest of the world?

Some of those involved were lifeguards from the nearby Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Punta Cana, The Dodo reports.

Thank you, "The Dodo," you are truly the only credible news source left.

It then appears to become tangled in the ropes of a life ring and thrashes violently while trying to escape – but the men continue to drag it from the water.

In some parts of the world these horrific attacks on peaceful "sea kittens" are called "fishing." I know, it's hard to believe we're capable of such callous attacks on our Mother, The Earth.

They then put a life ring over the innocent creature’s head and prod it with a wooden plank.

Give it the plank? Yes, give it the plank.

Others can be seen holding its tail and making thumbs up gestures while in another picture there are four children.

See, there were even CHILDREN? Do you care now? What do you mean "No?"

"Let's party dudes! Hey, what are doing with that plank and life ring?"

A Hard Rock Hotel spokeswoman said "corrective measures" are being taken against the employees involved. 

Your horrible minimum wage job hangs by a slender thread now.

She added: “That is absolutely against our standards of protecting animals as we protect our guests.”

"Whatever the approved opinion is, you can bet I agree with it."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

News You Can't Use: Chinese Village Besieged by Hundreds of Macaques

I am one of those rare individuals who likes to have fun, a fact I make sure to note on my hundreds of online profiles. Having this unconventional and unique desire does raise certain issues, from the painful realization that almost everything is "boring" to attempting to measure the levels of fun actually occurring. On that particular frontier we are making woeful progress, reduced to using miniature candy bars as the main measuring stick. Well, that and monkeys stuffed in barrels. With that in mind a village in exotic Cathay decided that if one barrel worth is good than flooding the entire village with Macaques is sure to stimulate the local economy, create jobs and reduce the dependence on foreign simian imports. Unfortunately, this genius idea somehow led to unintended consequences like "There's monkeys everywhere!" I know, who could have guessed?

A village in China has been left overrun with hundreds of macaques after a plan to introduce them and increase tourism to the area backfired. 

That feeling when you realize the villagers love their monkey more than sensible and realistic long term planning.

Xianfeng village in south-west China's Sichuan province decided to give a boost to their visitor numbers in 2003 by introducing 73 of the monkeys to the area, reported the People's Daily Online. 

You probably remember the massive tourism boom experienced by Xianfeng, the celebrities, the unrehearsed testimony from Western randos, all of it. 13 years later, after all the glory has faded, there's only the crush of regret.

However over the past 13 years, the numbers have increased dramatically to 600 leaving the village swamped with the animals.  

I guess the "one child policy" (I'm aware it changed but let's pretend it didn't for the following joke) doesn't apply to our furry friends.

They were inspired by Emei Mountain, a famous tourist spot which is inhabited by wild macaques. 

I think that's where one of my Facebook friends went and posted hundreds of pictures. That or Paris, I'm not totally certain.

They spent 48 days transporting 73 apes to the area, reports CCTV News. 

Sounds like the set-up to one of those "word problems" from a common core math class that everyone hates. Please estimate how many hours it would take to move a single ape while trying not to pass out from hunger after ash-canning another Michelle Obama lunch.

In the beginning, the business model seemed to work with many people coming to the area to see the monkeys. 

Seriously, the business model was totally sound. It's almost like something out of an economics textbook. Sadly more monkeys = not only more money but also more problems. 

But things began to go wrong when Zhou Zhenggui, the main investor in the initiative passed away. The company supporting the tourist business then collapsed. 

Our tourism board is a cult of personality that collapses when the charismatic and ruthless leader is gone.

Locals were hoping the monkeys would disappear without food however the macaques seemed to like their new home. 

It's getting harder and harder to root for a village that cynically removes mega-fauna from its natural environment and then hopes they'll starve once they become inconvenient.

They wreaked havoc in the village, eating crops , causing damage to homes and even biting visitors. 

It's almost like these dumb beasts have enough of a glimmer of intelligence to exploit the situation.

This is what happened, more or less.

Macquaes are a class 2 national protected species and so the problem has to be treated delicately.  

Absolutely nothing about this story suggests that responsible and "delicate" behavior occurred to anyone, at any time.

Experts were brought in to trap 300 of the animals and send them away however the rest are determined to stay.  

Yeah, I guess that's what would probably happen.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, June 10, 2016

Video Game Slush Pile: The Adventures of Bayou Billy

I was told I could pick out any one Nintendo game, the late eighties childhood equivalent of "you can put it anywhere you want." Faced with this unbelievable windfall I was sure I'd snag a winner. We're talking about a New Orleans themed game that would play into my love of crawdaddin' and societal anarchy after flooding. It's by Konami, a reliable third party license (Contra, Gradius, Castlevania, etc.) If that wasn't enough, three game modes! It's like you're getting a Holy Trinity of eight bit for the price of one strict Judaism! Nintendo Power, the always reliable source of unbiased consumer electronic gaming reviews, had described it as both "Totally Rad!" and "Gnarly Action, Dude!" How could I lose?

The game sucked.

Maybe that three word paragraph is overly harsh, but you have to imagine the disappointment of popping this thing in, hearing a terrible voice sample that made me wish I was playing Wizard of Wor in the arcade instead, and then being treated to a godawful side-scrolling beat 'em up. Perhaps spoiled by more competent games like Double Dragon my sneering dirt-bike punk self was not amused when I was defeated by the first generic mooks I encountered.

Released as "Alligator Yank" in Australia.

Before we discuss the so-called gameplay, it's important we delve into some story, which along with the instruction manual and end-labeling is all a REAL GAMER cares about. Your scantily-clad girlfriend has been kidnapped by some goof named "Godfather Gordon," a name that seems more suggestive of a generic tuna brand than a powerful crime boss, and it's up to you to apply fist and/or bullets to faces. The plot is actually more than a little similar to the Michael Dudikoff stinker "Avenging Force," down to the Cajun setting, lame action (get beat down for awhile, make comeback, repeat) and a massive organization of poorly focused evil whose real leader hides in the shadows. Sadly, Godfather Gordon never remarks about how "Hitler had some good ideas" and the game doesn't end with a lame set-up for a sequel that never was made, but like I said it's just a similarity. 

   Fifty takes and this was the best one.

Anyway, the actual game. When you hit an enemy you'd probably expect a momentary stun-lock, but your attacks are more mild annoyances for the primary-colored antagonists. At most a solid gut kick will cause a single frame of "hit" animation before they immediately counterattack. To not get hit you either need to get in tight and use your punch, which is fast enough to land over and over but pitifully lacking in range, or land the kick at the furthest possible distance and then flee like a mainstream conservative. Ragin' Cajun on the trail of a swamp rat, indeed.

The good news is weapons and healing items are relatively common and trust me, you're going to need both. The "ugly stick" or whip can increase the range of your hits in between cowardly retreats, the gun will wreck anything not wearing a vest and you can wear the vest yourself to defeat enemy bullets. Unlike most Double Dragon clones from this era the weapons, except the gun, stay with you not only from one fight to the next but even between levels as long as you don't die. This mercy is appreciated considering the length of the game and the brutal difficulty.

Get used to seeing this screen.

To add some variety to the endless waves of faceless thugs and alligators (!) that you defeat by punching or tapping with a length of wood, there's also the driving and shooting stages. For the shooting stages you can use the light gun, the best NES gimmick peripheral. This sounds like high praise until you remember it's competition was dreck like Rob the Robot and the Powerglove. You're probably better off using the controller. There's two shooting levels and they're totally forgettable.

The driving stages are similar to Road Blasters, with our southern-fried hero hauling rear end down dirt roads and blasting enemy cars and Great War bombers. Yes, Godfather Gordon apparently has his own private army but must resort to kidnapping to get a woman. Of course he selects the woman in a relationship with the one guy who is a bad enough dude to defeat him, too. You're supposed to throw dynamite sticks at the planes (and later helicopters) but whoever was supposed to draw this vetoed it in favor of a much easier to pixelate grenade. It hardly matters, the most dangerous enemies are giant rocks and a highway that offers all the traction of a skating rink.

Thank you for the motivation.

Between levels the evil crime boss taunts you Sunday Funday-style, while also showing off his unconventional desires. Eventually you get to fight him in a highly anti-climactic battle, before facing the real final boss, a couple of cyborgs because Nintendo. This was always the end of the road for me when I'd try to "beat" the game. Yes, I'd waste all kinds of time playing a game I didn't really like only to keep dying on the very last challenge, over and over. This is truly the mark of a life well-lived.

  In this issue Archie gets hit with the ugly stick.

Graphics: The alligators and between stage fan-service looks good, pretty much everything else doesn't. Enemies are color-coded and you can't tell if they're carrying a weapon until they actually attack because I'm not making any extra frames of animation or drawing dynamite and you won't find anyone else who will either.

Controls: Apart from the ridiculously slippery freeway stage it's actually not bad. You can even use the zapper if it's not rotting a basement or attic like 95% of them. 

Depth: Three amazing game types, it's super righteous. There's even some "practice" levels that you'll want to play through to get rewards for the main game. The extreme difficulty let's you play the same levels over and over for maximum replay value for your dollar! Rad!

Overall: It's probably about a five out of ten that at least earns some goodwill for being ambitious, but I should have used that good behavior free game choice (I wasn't arrested all month!) for Duck Tales instead.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

News You Can't Use: Injured SoulCycle Rider Files the Latest Legal Action Over Indoor Cycling

Exercise is hard and people are soft, so it doesn't take a nine hour certification class in "soul cycle" to figure out there will be a certain amount of friction when the fat-body converges with "Take your seat off! Are you going to quit? Are you a loser?" As the All-American obesity dangles precariously over the missing seat it takes a strong hand to guide the softie to success without completely destroying the so-called "feelings" of you weak meat-bags. Clearly, this balancing act is not for everyone and the result is nuisance lawsuits filed by protoplasm blobs who needed a coach to help them work out on a stationary bike for some reason.

SoulCycle has raced into the hearts of the Hollywood elite, but a first-time rider says she was injured because an instructor bullied her and now the company is facing the latest in a series of lawsuits filed since it was purchased by mega-gym Equinox in 2011. 

Apparently your favorite actress can't pedal on her own, what a scandal. Meanwhile it's time for "bullying," the new catch-all for any undesirable interaction, from the mega-gym. You take a mortal exer-bike man and put him in control. Watch him become a god, watch fatties middles a'roll.

Carmen Farias is suing SoulCycle and instructor Angela Davis — who is a bit of a celebrity herself — for gross negligence, according to the complaint filed May 31 in L.A. County Superior Court.

As a bit of a celebrity in my own right I have to say "Oh wow" to all of this.

She says the lack of instruction, design of the bike, volume of the music and darkness of the room contributed to injuries that continue to cause her physical and mental pain and suffering.

This is the kind of "spinning" instructor I'd probably be. "All right you Christmas hams, time to sweat thick yellow fat from every pour." *turns out lights, cranks up Motorhead, uses a cycle with an inferior ergonomic design* Rock and roll.

She says she had never been to a spinning class of any kind and, while she had ridden a traditional bicycle before, she had not engaged in a physical fitness regimen for several years.

Doctors now recommend you exercise at least once every several years, preferably in a b.s. "This is Sparta!" atmosphere.

An unnamed employee helped Farias clip into her cycle, but no one ever showed her how it worked or warned her not to get out of the seat while the flywheel was spinning.

Fudging exercise bikes, how do they work? Why are all spinning coaches liars?

As class began, Davis turned the music up and the lights down, so the room “was cast into a shadowy darkness."

As opposed to shadowy bright sunlight, I guess.

During the ride, Farias could hear instructors “mocking some of the other riders” because they weren’t keeping up with the pace.

I'm pretty sure you deserve to be mocked simply for participating in this goofy farce, whether you can keep the pace or not.

When her legs began to weaken and she tried to stop pedaling, she says Davis ridiculed her for slowing down and someone — possibly Davis — barked at the riders that “we don’t take breaks.”

Voices from out of nothing with unknown ownership, deep darkness, this is less a fitness fad and more an evil coven.

"The shame caused Carmen to momentarily attempt to pedal faster."

It's almost like it has a motivational quality, hard as this is to believe.

Farias says she quickly realized she needed to stop, but didn’t know how.

Some of that Jetsons "Stop this crazy thing!" up in here.

“Although her head and torso were now lying to the right side of the spinning cycle, Carmen’s left and right foot remained locked to the pedals.”

The end result resembled a parade float.

The momentum of the flywheel kept the pedals turning and her left ankle was repeatedly dislocated, she claims, leaving her "catastrophically injured."

You and I have a very different definition of "catastrophe." 

I ain't even playin' doe.

She says she completed and signed the new rider waiver form, but left it on her desk at work and any waiver she may have signed while checking in at the Beverly Hills studio in is a violation of public policy and unenforceable because SoulCycle failed to provide her with a copy.

The boring contract law that will, after lots of wasted time and money, ultimately defeat this nuisance lawsuit.

SoulCycle has a cult following and Davis is building one of her own. She has more than 41,000 followers on Instagram, and A-listers from Lea Michele to Kerry Washington have tweeted their praise of the instructor — oh, and Oprah celebrated her 60th birthday with a spin led by Davis.

Popularity automatically makes you a good person.

SoulCycle is also currently facing a potential class action lawsuit from customers who are unhappy with its policies regarding the expiration dates on pre-paid packages of classes. 

Still more legitimate than the Trump University lawsuit.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

News You Can't Use: Disney Worker Went on Booze-Fueled Rampage

Disney and its thousands of subsidiary holdings truly is the happiest place on earth. What could be better than taking your 2.5 children and government sanctioned life-partner to a heavily monetized theme park? Nothing, as long as you don't go on that one weird weekend or run afoul of an alcohol-fueled Brit whose behavior and general demeanor are a little different than what you'd see on "Downton Abby," replacing trite drama with wanton destruction and an incredibly foul mouth.

A Disney worker went on the rampage in his office and attacked two police officers after a booze-fuelled lunch break.

Nothing like a depressant to get you all riled up. Does it really count as a "rampage" if you never leave your office? Take that, monitor! See you in hell, replacement toner cartridges! On the other hand he attacked police, so there's that.

Owain Houston, 35, “exploded” and repeatedly shouted ‘F*** Disney’ after downing pints and shots in a nearby pub.

This is why you don't mix "pints" with the hard stuff while on your corporate headquarters approved unpaid lunch break.

He attacked colleagues and hurled computers around the call centre, causing £15,000-worth of damage.

The real life version of "Office Space" seems to be lacking in lighthearted humor.

Cardiff Crown Court heard he snapped after being asked to take a call for a colleague about the DisneyLife app.


He then entered some sort of rage whereby he has walked through the premises smashing up equipment.

You have been diagnosed with "Rage: Not Otherwise Specified." Suggest treatment includes sleeping it off and a cocktail of expensive psychiatric "meds" to take daily.

Houston, from the Coryton area of Cardiff, was fired on the spot and kicked out of the office.

If you were expecting a surprise ending I'm sorry.

Houston kicked a police van and then attacked the officers, swinging his arms like a windmill.

Don Quixote is never there when we really need him.

He was given a 12-month suspended jail term, ordered to perform 160 hours of unpaid work and told to pay £1,200 compensation.

You'll pay a small fraction of the damages and go wash dishes or whatever for a month. That should fix everything.

10% less soul-damaging than our previous film!

The DisneyLife app launched in the UK last year, allowing users to stream Disney films, TV shows, and music soundtracks. 

DisneyLife and chill, if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.