Wednesday, June 22, 2016

News You Can't Use: People Under 30 Have Way Weaker Grips

Let's talk about grip, baby. Let's talk about the good things and the bad things. Or in this case, because it's Generation Nothing, it's going to be nothing but bad things. It turns out the younger set have hand strength that's no less than "way" weaker compared to their elders. How "way weaker" stacks up against other qualitative measure like "totally" and "buffo" is a mystery we will attempt to solve together as we delve into a nightmare cavern of flimsy handshakes and unopened jars.

If you get a weak handshake from a millennial, don’t blame him or her. It could be a generational thing.

"Ah, no one's blaming you, noodle arms. Your whole loser generation is like this." *spits chaw*

Researchers from the Winston-Salem State University in North Carolina found that men and women under 30 have weaker grip strength than they did back in 1985.

The more affordable version of Duke busts this scandal wide open. Back in '85 we were freakin' demigods, man. We crushed rocks all day, just to see the powdered ruins and think "Tonight I'll be snortin' lines."

Their work was published (paywall) in the Journal of Hand Therapy.

Sorry, if you want "hand therapy" at the end of your Oriental massage it will cost extra. But it's worth it, trust me.

The researchers asked almost 240 men and women under 30—most 20 to 24 years old—to exert as much force as they could on a hand dynamometer, which measures grip force in pounds.

This is the most righteous University study I've ever encountered. Win-Sal deserves all the federal money they want and then some.

On average, men’s hand strength decreased by 20 pounds, and women’s hand strength decreased by 10 pounds.

Behold, the wonders of the modern world.

The culprit? Probably a combination of increased technology use at home and at work, and less manual labor.

The other theory, namely "Nothin' wrong with you little punks that another Vietnam wouldn't fix" was removed from the final draft of the study.

Seriously, I have no idea where you guys come from.

It’s possible that looser grip strength could translate into a weaker handshake. That would be bad news for millennials, because handshakes have long been an important measure we use to size up someone we’ve just met. 

Better practice making yourself appear bigger and baring your fangs while howling, Jayden. Dominance ritual is how our world works, from the boardroom to the bedroom.

Better yet, follow these basic tips on delivering a good handshake—which it turns out is more about eye contact and sensitivity to the other’s cues than it is about massive grip strength.

It's not just about jack hammering that hand like you're tearing up sidewalk. You've got to be sensitive to the verbal and non-verbals cues, take your time, be intimate and realize that not ever handshake ends with total satisfaction for both parties.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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