Wednesday, January 29, 2014

News You Can't Use: McDonalds Employee Sold Heroin In Happy Meals

The life destroying downward spiral that's both sexy as hell and so unfortunate, tsk, is now as simple as going through a McDonald's drive-thru. Or at least it was. I'm assuming that whole "arrest" thing probably slowed the sale of Cambodia's Best from the local clown burger, at least for a little while.

Pittsburgh drug detectives say they arrested a McDonalds worker who was selling heroin in happy meals.

I'm loving it. Golden Triangle goodness in a cheery package, this is the American Dream realized.

The District Attorney Narcotics Enforcement team received information that the employee was selling the heroin at the McDonalds restaurant at 6361 Penn Avenue in the Bakery Square section of East Liberty.

Whether millions and millions had been served is, at press time, still unknown.

Undercover agents, along with officers from Swissvale, North Versailles, and McKees Rocks were able to set up a controlled buy at the restaurant Wednesday afternoon.

Yes, it took a small army of civil servants to defeat a minimum wage employee who was sticking Chinese Rock into kiddie meals.

Officers say customers looking for heroin were instructed to go through the drive-through and say “I’d like to order a toy.”

Because no one without the Asian Monkey on their back would ever make that request. Next time pick a code phrase that no non-junkie customer would ever utter. Some recommendations include "I'm looking for something that isn't greasy as all hell" and "What would you recommend from your menu for a pre-workout?"

The customer would then be told to proceed to the first window where they would be handed a happy meal box containing heroin.

"Well, here's the toy we ordered for you Junior...apparently the new Disney film features a hero made of white powder?"

Still healthier than some of the other things on the menu.

It is unknown at this point how long this process had been going on or how many like transactions may have taken place prior to today.

It's also unknown whether any of the sensations our senses record have any external reality. We can't even be entirely sure of mathematical proofs, because a demon might be deceiving us.

Employee Shania Dennis from East Pittsburgh was arrested in the bust.

That one arrest cost the tax-payers $200,000.

Detectives say they don’t think this heroin bust is related to the potentially lethal batches of heroin being sold in Western Pennsylvania.

"Our heroin is made from only the best ingredients, hand grown in Vietnam."

At least 22-deaths have been blamed on that potent, Fentanyl laced heroin. 

Blame it on the potent, Fentanyl laced heroin, because it doesn't care.

Don't visit the ad-laden source.

Komment Korner  

gives a new meaning to "junk" food

Fire all the drug police, and sell their helicopters, tanks, machine guns, boats and cars. Invest the money in healthcare and addiction treatment.

I assume all on here will be talking smack, right?

And I'm wrong about feeling no sympathy for junkies again...why?

Only thing on the menu that's worth getting.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

News You Can't Use: ‘Blind’ Man Caught in Disability Fraud After Seen Driving a Speed Boat

Ready to pull that big scam on Uncle Sucker and cash in on the federal reserve crumbs? Of course you are. Here's a free tip, though. Don't pick the first disability that pops into your head. Believe it or not, pretending to be blind for an extended period of time might prove difficult, especially if you happen to be into boating. Play it safe and claim something like "Uncontrollable Falling Down Syndrome" or "Late Stage Cancer."

A “blind” Wisconsin man’s $175,000 Social Security disability fraud scheme ended when federal agents caught him driving a speedboat, according to the inspector general.

Well, let's not go jumping to any conclusions. Are they sure it wasn't a seeing eye boat?

Lawrence Popp, 58, was sentenced to one year in prison on Tuesday for defrauding the Social Security Administration after pretending to be blind in order to get disability benefits.

When the rain turns to pain.

Popp said he was unable to drive, read, or “bowl without bumpers” due to his condition.

Only in Wisconsin is bowling ability a benchmark of normal functioning. I'm guessing "I have trouble getting cheese and beer into my mouth" was on there, too.

Popp, a wealthy businessman, continued to work and go on lavish vacations in the Cayman Islands while collecting disability benefits for five years.

Yes, an already filthy rich bastard defrauded tax payers by pretending to be blind so he could take a few extra vacations. Can we change that one year sentence to something more fitting and appropriate, like being torn to pieces by vicious dogs?

Popp was found out after agents from the IRS and the SSA caught him driving a water-ski boat, a snowmobile, and driving a car to and from his benefits office, according to the Milwaukee-Wisconsin Journal Sentinel.

"After seeing the car and the snowmobile we were still unsure if he was really blind, but that boat really put it over the top." Yes, this guy was driving himself to the office where he pretended to be blind and no one noticed or cared for five years. Apparently that bad reputation government workers have is not entirely unearned.

Popp collected $115,000 in unlawful Medicare benefits and evaded $178,000 in taxes between 2004 and 2009 in addition to disability payments.

Looking forward to watching the movie "The Blind Wolf" in a few years, where this total and complete scumbag will be portrayed as a cool and rebellious hero.

During a review at an SSA office in 2008, Popp told his benefits counselor he “could not read small print, couldn’t bowl without bumpers used by children and couldn’t work.”

He then read the entire disclaimer from a sex pill ad, bowled a 300 game and built a deck. No one thought any of that was unusual.

Federal agents then recorded Popp walking back to his car and driving away.

It's debatable who the bigger tax thief is.

Just don't ask him to bowl.

A 2012 report from Sen. Tom Coburn (R., Okla.) found that more than 25 percent of benefits are awarded with “insufficient, contradictory, and incomplete evidence.”

There's no komment korner for this article, so I will attempt to produce the sort of comment that we would have gotten if there was one: "Man, that Obummer. More like hope and OUTRAGE."

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

News You Can't Use: You Can't Walk Straight While Texting, Study Confirms

I'm a walking dude. As such I'm pretty interested in exciting new developments in the field of upright mobility. Sadly, the best we're going to get is another "Texting is bad, stop it!" article to throw on the pile. Sorry guys, it's of vital importance that someone I barely even like gets that important "lol, wut a werld" update.

Texting can make you drive like a drunk. Now a new study shows that texting can also make you walk like a robot.

Robots, of course, are industrial devices used for dangerous and/or repetitive jobs that really don't "walk" at all. I applaud the author for trying to avoid another "zombie" reference, but that simile's utility is like a clock radio from 1973.

Researchers found that healthy people who read or send texts while hoofing it show subtle but potentially hazardous changes to their gait.

My healthy trot, ruined!

As pedestrians busily tap and flick, they swerve more, walk more slowly and move their heads, arms and torsos in a stiff, graceless fashion that makes them more prone to falling when confronted with an obstacle.

If we don't start closing the smooth moves gap this is creating we'll all lose out. We must restore the soulful strut.

Also, crashing into things is bad, I guess.

"Reading and texting on a phone influence your ability to walk, but the problems we see are much greater when you text than when you read,"

They're even greater when you drink, like, eight beers and put a sack over your head. Because we need to put everything on some type of continuum or it won't make sense.

Smartphone-wielding pedestrians have made the news and the upper ranks of YouTube by walking off piers, falling onto train tracks and blundering into fountains, but the accidents aren't always comic.

There's a difference between "comical misery" and "tragic misery." Off a pier or into tracks is funny, we are told.

In one high-profile incident, a 15-year-old girl in Maryland was hit by a car and killed in 2012 while looking at her phone, and a recent rise in U.S. pedestrian deaths in traffic accidents has been attributed partly to cellphone use.

We were all having a good healthy laugh at people falling into unforgiving steel rails and then some kill-joy is all "That ain't funny, man. Some jail bait on the east coast died like that."

Even though all 26 subjects were seasoned texters, spending an average of 30 minutes a day texting, they still couldn't walk normally as they texted.

They still couldn't spell words normally or preserve any dignity, either.

It's not entirely clear why the walk of a texting pedestrian is distorted.

Yeah, it's such an impenetrable mystery. Clearly a lot more tax-dollar funded research is needed.

Or perhaps the multitasking of walking while attending to a text overwhelms the brain, which then prioritizes that cool app over keeping to the straight and narrow.

Brain...overwhelmed...massive system failure...walking like robot...smooth moves lost...not a kool kat, not anymore...

Don't you mean "robots."

The study is "excellent," says Stony Brook University's Lisa Muratori, a behavioral neuroscientist who was not involved in the new research and who has also studied walking during cellphone use.

This study is just totally righteous, declared some unrelated individual with an impressive-sounding title with little, if any, practicality.

"In a healthy person it shouldn't cause a fall, necessarily, but a trip over a curb into a street is a big problem."

Do it in an empty pasture and you should be fine.

The increased head movement reported in the study "is a really bad thing for gait," says University of Pittsburgh bioengineer April Chambers, who was not involved in the research.

Thank you for adding no new information and having a name better suited to "adult" entertainment.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

I've been bashed into head on by people walking and texting in the mall. You try to swerve out of their way but it's not always successful.

I was amazed to see that this was a serious article/study. I expected this to be an Onion story.

After the implant you will be able to drive, walk, run, take a bath, engage in sexual encounters and at the same time send and receive insulting comments from USA Today readers.

For years, I have been trying to make people aware of this hazard.

Turn your units off

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

News You Can't Use: America's Number One Prescription Sleep Aid Could Trigger 'Zombies,' Murder and Other Disturbing Behavior

Have you noticed the recent increase in "zombies," deadly violence and the general breakdown of normalcy? I'm going to pretend y'all didn't immediately answer "No, I'm busy watching football." It turns out that sleep aids are fueling these Mad Max scenarios, as crazed insomniacs are now a menace on par with being hit by a meteor or losing your soul to the pinball devil.

On March 29, 2009, Robert Stewart, 45,  stormed into the Pinelake Health and Rehab nursing home in Carthage, North Carolina and opened fire.

No Europe, this is not a commonplace event here. It really isn't.

Stewart’s defense team successfully argued that since he was under the influence of Ambien, a sleep aid, at the time of the shooting, he was not in control of his actions.

"Feel so drowsy...must kill..."

Ambien works by activating the neurotransmitter  GABA and binding it to the GABA receptors in the same location as the benzodiazepines such as Xanax and Valium.

Oh, right. The location the benzodiazepines go to. Of course. I was having a little trouble understanding the medical mumbo-jumbo, but that helpful reference cleared it all up.

In other words, it slows down the brain.

Think of it like television in pill form.

Although the Ambien prescribing information warned, in small print, that medications in the hypnotic class had occasional side effects including sleep walking, “abnormal thinking,” and “strange behavior,” these behaviors were listed as extremely rare

This is the part of the TeeVee ad where the smarmy narrator speaks faster than the Micro Machine man and lawyers begin to experience sexual arousal.

It wasn’t until Patrick Kennedy’s 2006 middle-of-the-night car accident and subsequent explanation to arriving officers that he was running late for a vote that the bizarre side effects of Ambien began to receive national attention.

Yes. I'll never forget how every 2006 conversation was dominated by Patrick Kennedy and his "Got to go vote!" antics. It really captured the national imagination, that's for sure.

I think you might have gotten the side-effects of Ambien confused with the side-effects of alcohol, another medicinal substance that may have secret ingredients capable of causing poorly understood "strange behavior." We need more research and litigation before we'll know for sure.

Ambien’s French manufacturer, made $2 billion in sales at its peak.

"Surrender to a good night's sleep!"

Shortly after the Kennedy incident, Ambien users sued Sanofi because of bizarre sleep-eating behaviors while on the drugs.

Yes Europe, this is an accurate depiction of Americans.

people were eating things like buttered cigarettes and eggs complete with the shells, while under the influence of Ambien.

Not a lot of vitamins in these Marlboros.

Lask called people in this state “Ambien zombies.”

Because lame pop-culture references make everything better. I would have gone with "I popped an Amber, I'm sweating and eating cigarettes, woo."

As a result of the lawsuit, and of increasing reports coming in about “sleep driving,” the FDA ordered all hypnotics to issue stronger warnings on their labels.

No more using "comic sans" font for those labels. This is serious, now.

In March of 2011, Lindsey Schweigert took one Ambien before getting into bed at 6pm. Hours later, she woke up in custody with no idea how she’d gotten there.

I wanna party with you, Lindsey.

The smart money is on the plants.

She started driving to a local restaurant but crashed into another car soon after leaving her house. Police described her as swaying and glassy-eyed. She failed a sobriety test and was charged with DWI and running a stoplight.

Believe it or not taking powerful sleeping pills may impair your driving. Thank you for sharing this revelation, I feel we've learned a lot here today.

Komment Korner  
Maybe this is the reason Obama doesn't remember anything with Fast & Furious, Benghazi, CIA and NSA.

I've taken it for seven years with no ill effects. I will be very upset if the Nanny State bans this.

Does the author of this article not know that public nuisance, Patrick Kennedy and his weasel attorneys made up the Ambien story?

Dammn why didn't they have this stuff when I was a kid?

Is anyone else getting tire of this?

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

News You Can't Use: Research Claims Your Cat Thinks You’re Just Another (Big!) Cat

What is going on in the mind of your cat? The correct answer is some variation on "sleep, eat, reproduce, repeat" and "I can't wait until my owner is sick or otherwise vulnerable so I can finally consume those delicious eyeballs." The incorrect answer is it thinks you're a giant cat, and not in a good way, either.

As an overly-exuberant animal lover, I’m somewhat ashamed to confess that I am not a cat person.

The shame of it all.

"Man, I love Renaissance art! I'm just all overly-exuberant about it!"
"Wow, you must be into Michelangelo, right?"

Sure, cats are as cute as the next fuzzy mammal and kittens are all-out adorable, but felines enjoy hunting and killing things, and they don’t seem to care much for humans either.

Incredibly the survival or destruction, tooth 'n' claw natural world isn't as "adorable" as you might have thought.

According to Dr. John Bradshaw, who’s studied felines for over 30 years and wrote the tome Cat Sense, cats were never bred for companionship.

It's this sort of dynamite revelation that comes from thirty years of studying and writing "tomes." Hey, I'm all for creative vocabulary, but a cutesy book on kitty kats is not really what I think of when you say "tome."

In fact, they tend to think of humans as big, lazy, overgrown fellow cats, which might explain some of that cool, disinterested behavior towards us.

Whoa, I might be big and lazy and overgrown, but I'll have you know...what was the third thing again?

“if a cat “kneads” you, that’s how it used to get milk from its mother.”

Just when you thought "cat person" pathology couldn't get any creepier.

In other words, what seems like feline affection might actually be perfunctory.

As opposed to human physical affection, which is always a combination of magic and transcendence that touches the very deepest levels of meaning.

After reading some of Bradshaw’s research, I remain unconvinced that the glowering creature hiding under the couch isn’t going to claw my face off the first chance it gets.

Just for your information what you described there isn't a cat. It's a mole person.

Another reliable article on cat behavior.

And to any pet owner who claims their cat is “just like a dog,” I have just one thing to say: No, he isn’t, and you obviously don’t have a dog.
*dramatically pulls on "Yorkie" sweater and walks confidently toward the setting sun*

Komment Korner  

Any dog would vote for Obama. Thousands surely did.

"I hate you! Feed me!"

Is this JOURNALISM or a mere opinion of a cat hater?

Cats and dogs arent people, stop trying to personify these animals.

My cat thinks I'm a chair.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Choose Your Own Adventure 21: Hyperspace

It's been over a month, but it's back to reading thirty year-old children's books and treating the results of that activity as equal parts academic dissertation, comedy amateur night and "everything sucks" critic. Last time out the book started with a 50% chance of death which insured a short run. Things are looking up this time, however. Hyperspace contains not only the usual "Warning!!!!" but also a "Special Note" and a "Special Warning!!!!" Yes, those were the actual punctuations. Basically the first pages are like the owner's manual of a car written by someone who just drank a dozen Jolt colas. "Limited Warranty!!!! Replacing the Windshield Wipers!!!!" That sort of thing.

The upshot of all this overly ridiculous literary emoting is I'll be dealing with parallel universes, there are no rules, there might be five or even possibly six dimensions and all the other expected "Baby's Introduction to Wheelchair Man Physics." We get an analogy of an ant that has lived its entire life in a balloon and suddenly the balloon pops. That's what we're up against. Properly girded on from all these admonitions, it's time to actually hit page one.


It turns out an Albert Einstein analogue is living in my neighborhood and one day I finally get my chance to hang out with this righteous science dude. Yes, there was a time when "I'd like to get to know others" was actually a priority in people's lives, but luckily we have finally destroyed such unnatural thought via technology. I'm eager to learn about the "higher mathematics" this learnin' guy has been dropping, but he suggests a book. You know what, no. 

You had me at "ice orbs."

He takes me to his laboratory and there's all kinds of ill science stuff, namely a giant glass globe and various levers. This is sort of like that thing in Switzerland that's teaching us a little more about the Big Bang, knowledge that is more than worth the risk of accidentally destroying our universe. This "hypolaser" is apparently capable of opening a rift in time space and entering other dimensions. The professor has devoted his entire life to this device, but lacks the balls to actually deploy it. Not wanting to be a bad guest, I'm supportive of his sissy who ran from the singularity tendencies. 

I'm all, "maybe you should ask other scientists and not some kid who is going to lose all interest in this silly stuff in a few months when puberty kicks in." He responds to this wise counsel by pulling a lever and vanishing. 

Simulating creation is easier than convincing people not to kill each other.

When faced with uncertainty and likely disaster pulling random levers seems like a sensible course of action. How about green? This results in literally nothing happening. Defeated, I slink away, realizing that complicated scientific procedures like pulling colored levers are best left to those with decades of training. Midway through the academic equivalent of the walk of shame something explodes behind me.

I run back into the house, which now smells like burnt-out wires and is a total mess. Incredibly, my science homie is sprawled out on the floor but otherwise unhurt. He concedes that his life's work was basically one giant bad idea and that he tampered in God's domain. Apparently he went to a universe "too horrible to describe" and this was enough to scare him off of hyperspace research. Please ignore the obvious parallels this story has with experimenting with mind-altering drugs.

"I can handle strange cards, but when they stick too..."

Instead of visiting mind-boggling alien dimensions my read-through was basically a warning not to take hallucinogens. Kind of disappointing. If I'd actually read the book he gave me it would have turned out to be a Choose Your Own Adventure story within a Choose Your Own Adventure. Whoa man, I'm freaking out! There's also a scene where you meet author Edward Packard, complete with a creepy illustration. I don't know if I can handle that sort of wildness, special warnings or not.

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

News You Can't Use: High-Fliers at Risk of Isolation and Depression From Internet Addiction

Internet addiction is a problem, and not just for the "one more game" video avenger or the one-handed typist. No, actual productive and valuable human assets are now falling victim to this scourge. What can we do about it? If you immediately thought "write a snarky blog post mocking a serious problem," we're definitely on the same wavelength on this one.

The most successful employees are at risk of isolation, depression and anxiety as they increasingly use the internet to continue to work outside the office, researchers have warned.

Nothing says "success" like a heapin' helpin' of isolation, depression and anxiety with a side of the early death. Slave away in some meaningless job that shuffles around debt at levels are minds can't even properly comprehend. Take that work home. Wear an electronic chain around your neck. Suffer a plethora of psychological and physical issues as a result. Keep telling yourself how free you are.

A new study suggests workaholics are increasingly logging on after work, becoming addicted to the web and are more likely to suffer from withdrawal symptoms when they switch off.

Yes, withdrawal symptoms. Got runny nose and the shakes...better look at some scores on a mainstream sports site...ah, that's the rush.

But researchers warned the dangers are being overlooked by companies because those at the most risk are usually the most successful.

I know it's hard to believe, but your company might not be as concerned that you're killing yourself so some horrible rich bastard can become slightly richer as you'd probably expect.

“Compulsive behaviour occurs when workers cross an invisible boundary and their internet use becomes unhealthy,” said Nada Kakabadse Professor of policy, governance and ethics at Henley School of Business.

"I'd tell you more, but I'm pretty busy changing signage now that the word "ethics" is finally being removed from the department name to better reflect reality."

Also, "invisible boundary." Sorry, cool science-fiction language is not saving this tale of pathetic wage slavery.

“They spend increasing amounts of time online, waking up three times in a night to check their emails, eating patterns become irregular, relationships suffer and they become totally absorbed and feel anxious when separated from the computer. 

"Computer is only real friend...don't need to eat...can't be separated...must...check...e-mail..."

“For overachievers it is worse and they are more likely to burn-out more quickly. They begin to lose judgement and make mistakes.”

Underachiever and proud of my resistance to "burn-out."

Researchers said they had expected to find compulsive internet use among the young and the unemployed who had more time on their hands. But they were surprised to find overachievers were actually the most at risk.

We were hoping to just keep piling it on the young people, who we blame for everything, because that never gets old. That was our noble goal. Then we were shocked that there's pathology among business zombies.

The team found the working excessively was the ‘strongest predictor’ of compulsive internet use.

I mean, you can still blame that on the young. Maybe they're so lazy that you're forced to pick up the slack or something. Come on, use your imagination!

Co-author Dr Cristina Quinones-Garcia of Northampton Business School said: “Internet supports all areas of human interaction. However the omnipresence of this phenomenon could have double-edged sword impact on our lives.

Unnecessary fifty cent words, sloppy mixed metaphors...yeah, you're a professional academic. 

Now stay off that internet, it's a bad addiction for your kind.

“Those individuals who use technology to enable working beyond office hours tend to be highly successful in their jobs, but are at a high risk of developing problems.”

"Society says they're winners, so that must be true, but they sure seem to be miserable."

Researchers have called on companies to issue guidelines on safe internet use outside the workplace which educates about the dangers.

Because employers controlling your private life is a Good Thing.

A recent poll found that British workers would rather have no heat and water than lose their Internet connection at home.

I'm sure this has been duly noted by your rulers and you can expect exciting new "Heat and Water Adjustment Acts" very soon.

A separate study of found that three quarters of workers are now afraid to open their emails on Monday morning.

Hey, it's stressful being related to Nigerian nobility who are constantly dying and leaving massive fortunes that get tied up for want of a $200 processing fee.

For some it grew so bad that they felt ‘paralysed’ by the volume of messages , said lead author Mare Teichmann.

"Trapped...can't many discount Viagra offers....sent help..."

Komment Korner  

Next we'll be seeing a bunch of unbathed, welfare using, parents basement dwelling protesters attacking over achievers.

Did I get redirected from the Mickey Mouse Club website somehow??

still have trouble letting go of Battle Pirates, working on it... baby steps.

Loss of employment, even imprisonment from reckless drunken posts and tweets, temptation to view worse and worse pornography or searches which will attract the attentions of the authorities are some of the more serious possibilities.

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, January 3, 2014

News You Can't Use: The Contact Lenses That Could Do Away With TV Screens

We're on the cusp of another major victory in the long war against stupid old bring-down reality. No, I'm not talking about some exciting new CIA funded hallucinogen, I'm talking about electronics in your eyes! It's still in the experimental use rabbits because they can't cry or make effective fists stage, but there's every reason to believe a Huxley-style nightmare world might still beat out the Orwellian one, although it's a tight race.

Contact lenses that allow the wearer to see high-definition virtual screens are to be unveiled in Las Vegas next week.

In this case I hope what happens in Vegas does, in fact, stay there.

Dubbed iOptik, the system allows the users to see projected digital information, such as driving directions and video calls.

No sitcoms, no care.

Also, how come we have "video calls" as predicted in 1950s futurist movies but the flying car technology continues to stagnate? Who even wants video calls? Here's my weary face to go with my weary voice. Yay.

The tiny 'screens', which are the invention of Washington-based group Innovega, sit directly on a users' eyeballs and work with a pair of lightweight glasses.

You mean you aren't stuffing your eyes with all kinds of crazy nonsense? I feel bad for you, son. Me, I've got glasses, tiny screens, eye buds, assorted wires, you name it.

Together, they provide an experience equivalent to watching a 240-inch television at a distance of 10 feet, according to Innovega's chief executive Steve Willey.

Or to put it into simpler terms: "Whoa, the colors. I'm freaking out!"

They can be worn on their own and only function with the iOptik software when a user looks through the company's paired glasses.

Whether they can help you keep track of the visions in your eyes or even see the light that's right before those same eyes is not specified. These are the features I'd actually want.

The system can work with smartphones and portable game devices to deliver video - or switch to a translucent 'augmented reality' view, where computer information is layered over the world we know it.

Don't worry, you can hook up all your other marginally useful Chinese gimmicks to it!

Is this some kind of allegory?

Crucially, the device can be worn while moving around in a similar way to Google Glass.

Because you're going to want to do lots "moving around" while in a electronics induced coma.

The contacts are due to be previewed at the Consumer Electronics Show and promise to provide a much more immersive experience than other head-work wearable devices.

The days of writing driving directions on the inside of a sack and then pulling it over your head and trying to drive may be over.

Microsoft and the University of Washington have also been working on similar projects that seem more like a prop in movies such as Mission Impossible 4.

Yeah, that and eight inch elevator shoes.

In 2012, they created a prototype of a hard augmented reality contact lens capable of receiving radio signals and transmitting them to the brain through optical nerves.

Sadly, the appeal of watching the radio proved limited.

Komment Korner  

Sounds excellent! So we will be able to drive a vehicle and concentrate on a screen that is projected on our eyes! Very safe!

Anybody remember "Max Headroom?" Blipverts!

Meet George Jetson.

And there's idiots who will pay for this!

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.