News You Can't Use: McDonalds Employee Sold Heroin In Happy Meals

The life destroying downward spiral that's both sexy as hell and so unfortunate, tsk, is now as simple as going through a McDonald's drive-thru. Or at least it was. I'm assuming that whole "arrest" thing probably slowed the sale of Cambodia's Best from the local clown burger, at least for a little while.

Pittsburgh drug detectives say they arrested a McDonalds worker who was selling heroin in happy meals.

I'm loving it. Golden Triangle goodness in a cheery package, this is the American Dream realized.

The District Attorney Narcotics Enforcement team received information that the employee was selling the heroin at the McDonalds restaurant at 6361 Penn Avenue in the Bakery Square section of East Liberty.

Whether millions and millions had been served is, at press time, still unknown.

Undercover agents, along with officers from Swissvale, North Versailles, and McKees Rocks were able to set up a controlled buy at the restaurant Wednesday afternoon.

Yes, it took a small army of civil servants to defeat a minimum wage employee who was sticking Chinese Rock into kiddie meals.

Officers say customers looking for heroin were instructed to go through the drive-through and say “I’d like to order a toy.”

Because no one without the Asian Monkey on their back would ever make that request. Next time pick a code phrase that no non-junkie customer would ever utter. Some recommendations include "I'm looking for something that isn't greasy as all hell" and "What would you recommend from your menu for a pre-workout?"

The customer would then be told to proceed to the first window where they would be handed a happy meal box containing heroin.

"Well, here's the toy we ordered for you Junior...apparently the new Disney film features a hero made of white powder?"

Still healthier than some of the other things on the menu.

It is unknown at this point how long this process had been going on or how many like transactions may have taken place prior to today.

It's also unknown whether any of the sensations our senses record have any external reality. We can't even be entirely sure of mathematical proofs, because a demon might be deceiving us.

Employee Shania Dennis from East Pittsburgh was arrested in the bust.

That one arrest cost the tax-payers $200,000.

Detectives say they don’t think this heroin bust is related to the potentially lethal batches of heroin being sold in Western Pennsylvania.

"Our heroin is made from only the best ingredients, hand grown in Vietnam."

At least 22-deaths have been blamed on that potent, Fentanyl laced heroin. 

Blame it on the potent, Fentanyl laced heroin, because it doesn't care.

Don't visit the ad-laden source. http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/01/29/detectives-mcdonalds-employee-sold-heroin-in-happy-meals/

Komment Korner  

gives a new meaning to "junk" food

Fire all the drug police, and sell their helicopters, tanks, machine guns, boats and cars. Invest the money in healthcare and addiction treatment.

I assume all on here will be talking smack, right?

And I'm wrong about feeling no sympathy for junkies again...why?

Only thing on the menu that's worth getting.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.