Wednesday, April 27, 2016

News You Can't Use: Riot Control Robot Can Zap Protesters

Is there any problem that can't be solved by removing all human elements and replacing them with ostensibly reliable robotic devices, up to and including kill droids that will zap recalcitrant peasants who have issue with the lack of food or whatever in our Worker's Paradise? The answer is obviously "no" and our reliable friend and money-changer China just made the next big leap forward with a cool 'bot that will be easily handling the soft protoplasm vectors that crop up in the riots that nation's repressive government make inevitable. This is a great time to be alive.

A riot control robot that can zap people with an electrical charge has been unveiled in China.

The wisdom in allowing the Middle Kingdom to strip our manufacturing base and then running up massive debt has been thoroughly confirmed. These are our moral, intellectual and spiritual superiors.

Hailed as the country's first "intelligent security robot", it has an "electrically charged riot control tool" and an SOS button for people to notify police.

They've already deleted the disturbing video where a volunteer tried the "SOS button" and the kill-bot interpreted this as an act of aggression, peppering him with machine gun bullets. 

A photo posted to Twitter by The People's Daily Online news site was retweeted by US intelligence whistleblower Edward Snowden with the sarcastic caption: "Surely this will end well."

What part of "What could possibly go wrong?" don't you understand?

It has a top speed of 11mph and can work for up to eight hours on a single charge.

As opposed to decadent Yankee worker who has speeds of slow and stop and can work for a few minutes before slipping out for a smoke.

One said it was like ED-209 from the 1987 movie Robocop, which fired twin machine guns into one of its manufacturer's board members, but was still put into police service.

First, stop stealing my jokes. Second, it's nothing like that. It will incinerate the board member with deadly lightning, not sloppy machine guns.

The most common comparison was to the Daleks from British television series Dr Who.

Maybe among the dateless wonder demographic, anyway.

 Stop rioting, comrades.

The Knightscope K5 security robot has been used in Silicon Valley since 2014 but has no offensive capabilities.

Great job, USA.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, April 24, 2016

DotTeeVee: UNBROADCAST UK 1985 wrestling match Kung Fu -v- Rollerball Rocco plus after bout punch up!

Today's video would have been more than worth squandering the precious gift of life on if all it included was British pro wrestling from 1985, but when you add the fact the it was unbroadcast, presumably for failing to meet the unbelievably low standards for U.K. prole fodder, and it has the after match "punch up" there's no way it's not going to end up here. Unless I take a six month break from doing these and then come back with a work-shy review of some sovereign citizen compilation, but I would never do that to you.

World exclusive coverage of bogan punch-ups.

We get off to a cracking good start as the receding hairline announcer, wearing what looks like a rented prom suit, voice cracks his way through introducing the If hearing "here comes another one" while a middle-aged man's voice finally changes doesn't get you hyped I'm not sure you're considered legally alive. We introduce the lame good guy, whose a bit too on-the-nose name is "Kung Fu." He's wearing a karate gi with a wrestling jacket over it and believe it or not that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to fatal flaws with what you'd think would be a fairly straightforward good guy archetype. 

Fortunately his opponent is the best rassler I've ever seen. No really, let me make the case. In the first thirty seconds he gets introduced as "Rollerball," comes out to some AC/DC which brings back countless joyful memories, hops over the ropes to demonstrate agility, gives his "baby's first marital art cliches set" opponent the Stockton Slap, avoids a lame kick attempt, menaces his rival with what looks like a falconer's glove and points aggressively to a bandana he's wearing. "Look at that on me head!" as the announcer puts it. 

Rocco 3:16 says I just pointed at my own forehead.

The bottom line is that Mark "Rollerball" Rocco kicks serious backside, even if I find his gimmick kind of confusing. We've got references to a James Caan film. bird-training accessories, a stars and stripes wrestling outfit and, of course, that thing on "me head." Is he a roller-skating violence sport competitor? A self-hating Brit? An empty hand fighting master that's even lazier and more poorly researched than "Kung Fu" or perhaps the inspiration for Rex Kwon Do? I don't know and I don't care. 

If I was born in Suffolk or West Port or whatever I would have grown up idolizing Rocco instead of Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior, no doubt causing a massive alteration to my life trajectory. I'd be pimp-slapping fools and pointing at the space between my eyes instead of taking vitamins, praying, training hard and hijacking planes and crashing them on the way to Wrestlemania.

My spiritual leader.

Rollerball is holding one of the thousands of world titles that exist in this Sport of Kings and promptly uses it to whip his opponent but gets countered and taken down. "Kung Fu" demonstrates his mastery of ancient Chinese animal systems by going headfirst into the champion's crotch and then throwing the bizarrely patriotic villain into a corner so heavily padded it suggests the wall of an insane asylum more than the turnbuckles of a ring. Then Rollerball invents "hardcore" wrestling by throwing a chair in the ring and promptly getting hit by it because tossing a weapon to your hated enemy makes good sense until it goes wrong on a technicality. 

Fortunately our hero regains the advantage and ashcans the pajama-clad loser because being head-butted in the pills and then hit in the head with a chair is the kind of thing you just shrug off when you're the Hero the United Kingdom Deserves but Doesn't Need.

"This in incredible wrestling" we are told, at the same exact moment Rocco punches the man who holds the secret of the orient in the face.

The art of fighting without fighting.

We're going to skip ahead a bit. Yes, it is compelling stuff, watching two grown men perform prat falls and pretend to choke each other with cords, but we were promised a "punch up" at the end and there's only so many ways I can tell you one brave gladiator simulated an awkward hit on the other or threw him with his "opponent's" full cooperation. The match ends with "Rollerball" hitting his devastating top rope elbow, which is of course not the finish. Instead he does a vertical suplex, a transition move here in the land of the free and the home of the brave, and then gets the pin.

The announcer actually has the stones to instruct the crowd to cheer "the loser," earning some tepid applause. Sadly that was never a thing here in The States. "Let's all give it up for The Loser, Scotty Too Hottie!" Meanwhile our winner raises his hand and yells his own name. Best. Wrestler. Ever.

"Not popular here, Rocco!" says the announcer as the boos rain down. Well, he's popular where it matters, on a 2016 blog written by a deeply troubled human derelict.

Let me tell you something, brother!

It's time for an amateur hour interview with the Man of the Hour, complete with a microphone that only works selectively and some of that Blair Witch camerawork. In spite of these considerable obstacles the victor lays down the law, claiming what looks like a bowling trophy then stuttering through a shortlist of his nicknames including "The Man with the Plan," "The Master of Disaster" and "The Maniac." If they made a star-spangled shirt that had any or all of those slogans on it I would buy it and wear it until either it fill apart or I did, just sayin'.

Still, we were promised a real fight and boy do we get one as the man who lost clean as a sheet in the center of the ring attempts his revenge and obviously pulled punches are exchanged. This quickly ends, since we have to go to the "fight of the month" in New York. "And look out for Cyndi Laupher!" Truer words have never been spoken.

 Komment Korner  

What a load of time wasting crap Electric power cables allowed in the ring Ref allows safety padding to be removed This was a farce right from the start 

I did watch 5 minuets... what a load of rubbish.

That is NOT I reapeat NOT wrestling. The wrestler is punching and kicking and that is not allowed in wrestling so it is FAKE!  

in a REAL fight there are no rules and YOU CAN DO ANYTHING to survive an attack on your life even kill the person trying to kill you.

Oh dear. I wouldn't have watched that then and didn't really enjoy it now. :-(  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

News You Can't Use: From Text Neck to Blackberry Thumb

With affordable high quality health care now available to every American there has never been a better time to suffer injuries and assorted misadventures. Unfortunately, an increasingly sedentary lifestyle the revolves around sitting for hours and pecking at tiny screens isn't exactly Mountain Dew commercial material. Still, it appears it is possible to suffer life-ruining ailments and enter the exciting and sexy hospital industry anyway. You might get the "Text Neck" or the "Instagram Inner Rot" or even full-blown "Pathetic Human Jelly Enslaved By Lame Technology and Racing Toward the Chilling Embrace of the Grave."

Smartphones. The majority of us now own one, and we can't comprehend how those who don't live without them.

I feel that "Smartphones" is enough for a complete sentence all by itself. I mean, am I right or what? They guide and nourish us, they crush our imaginary candy and how could anyone possibly live without one?

We use them as alarm clocks, calendars, personal organisers, entertainment systems, games consoles, online messengers and, yes, even phones.

Cue hearty Ed McMahon laughter.

Just yesterday, a South Korean study suggested that the excessive use of smartphones by children is causing them to become cross-eyed.

Stop that, it'll get stuck that way.

It doesn't end there. Researchers and health professionals have identified several physical pitfalls of smartphone use in recent years, all on the rise as we steadily transform into a nation of 'smombies'.

How would you survive the "smombie" apocalypse? By setting down the portable Skinner Box? Don't talk crazy.

So keep your smartphone firmly in your pocket, ignore the bleeps and bings of notifications, and instead inform yourself of the dangers of these pocket-sized perils.

Buckle up, tuck it in, keep both hands visible and prepare to enter a world beyond your wildest dreams.

The first of these cyber-syndromes is Blackberry thumb. Named after one of the first smartphones to have a Qwerty keyboard, this repetitive strain injury is caused by overusing mobile phones to send emails and texts.

If I became unable to do my double-thumbed Trump Salute I don't think I'd be able to continue functioning in society. The tragic inability to "trigger" others, I blame it on those tiny keyboards.

Blackberry thumb is no laughing matter.

My brother died that way.

So worried were working professionals, in fact, that back in 2011, co-founder of the Roberts Jackson solicitors Karen Jackson warned employers that they should expect to receive a series of lawsuits from bum-thumbed staff claiming compensation.

Every generation gets the "Power Line Lawsuit Scare" it deserves.

But our thumbs are undoubtedly much busier than they were before the dawn of the smartphone

Uh...yeah. Don't be so sure about that.

And researchers at the University of Zurich recently discovered that the part of our brain responsible for thumb movement (the somatosensory cortex, obviously) has actually begun to grow in the heads of frequent phone-users. 

Mental retention of physical does it work?

Prolonged mobile phone use has been found to cause the disconcertingly vague-sounding  'cubital tunnel syndrome'.

Stop being so vague, Doc! I'm ready for the horrible truth about my busted hands.

As we hold our phones up to our ears, our elbow presses together and the resulting pressure can damange the cubital tunnel, a channel which allows the ulnar nerve – your 'funny bone' nerve – to travel over the elbow and down to your hands. Decreased blood flow and nerve ischemia are also side effects of those long phone calls we love so much.

You could get that on an old-time rotary phone. I thought this was supposed to be about exciting new inventions hurting us, not the terrible legacy of Alexander Graham Bell. Booo!!!!! Refund!!!!!

'Blackberry thumb' and 'Smartphone pinky' may attack individual digits, but 'Text claw' strikes at your hand as a whole.

Let me tell you something, when I slap on the Text Claw, a claw that can crush most sports balls, you'll beg me to stop the agony. And that. Is. All. The People! Need!!! To Know!!!!!!!

Brain claw!!!

Text claw develops because many people work on their phones in a position that’s not natural for the thumb, wrist or finger joints.  

The only unnatural phone act is that which one can not perform.

In 2013, before 4G was rolled out across the country, network provider O2 surveyed their customers and found that 43 per cent of smartphone users had suffered from bad hand pain in their palms and wrists over the previous 12 months.

Something else might be putting stress on those wrists and palms. I'm just saying.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Which Way Books #7: Curse of the Sunken Treasure

It's been so long I have nearly no recollection of the last trip into this rich vein of "I sorta 'member dat" but apparently it involved tracking the snow beast and promptly giving up because of inclement weather. Monster hunting and baseball, it's got more in common than just the huge, disfigured creatures birthed by chemistry experiments gone horribly wrong. Be that as it may, it's time to get back in the groove with some more Which Way mediocrity.

Will I ever finish this series? It certainly looks more promising than the doomed enterprise of finishing Choose Your Own Adventure, but on the other hand the same could be said for Twist-a-Plot and I don't even want to look at the cover of one of those again, let alone endure the lazy soul-rending snark within. At least Which Way hasn't broken my will to resist, but on the other hand there's a few books in the series that aren't available for a reasonable price, so this is probably a doomed enterprise that will end in miserable failure. Now that we're suitably fired up, let's crack open today's subject.

Never steal anything wet.

Even disregarding the encounter with nothingness I just had it's hard to be too optimistic about this one. The title sounds like something one of those random generators would spit out and the cover promises more thrilling undersea adventure, that's new and exciting. This might be the most phoned-in Which Way concept yet, which is really saying something. You know, maybe we should just quit stalling and actually start.

We get our usual inspired opening, always the highlight. I'm having "disturbing" dreams and then wake up to a mysterious glow coming from the harbor. I live in a seaside town, you see. Call me Ishmael this shit isn't. I almost wonder if this was written by a human being and not a BASIC program loaded up with R.G. Austin tropes. Better check the television reception to determine how personal this is gonna get.

I get a "compelling need" to investigate the glow. Believable motivations, intriguing heroes tormented by the world beyond the wall of sleep, a harbor...we're just laying down that strong prose game in this thang. I paddle my way out toward the light because what else would someone reasonably do? Next thing you know I'm on a ship with "Captain Abel" who insists we set sail immediately without questioning why random strangers are coming on board. Man, now Biblical imagery, this is like Moby Dick but superior in every way, from the literary styling to the reduced amount of whaling minutia, to say nothing of not having such an unfortunate title.

One day I won't giggle like a schoolgirl at this, but it won't be today or tomorrow either.

Captain Ahab Abel actually does give me an opportunity to back out, since the journey is going to be dangerous and no doubt highly symbolic. It turns out his own particular obsession/metaphor for the uncaring forces of fate is a green diamond "the size of a basketball." Somehow having the grizzled sea dog talk about hoopin' it up out of no where makes this even better. From Hell's heart he shoots the orange! Yes! And it counts!

As you probably already guessed the roundball-sized rock is from the Planet Galinka, curses anyone who owns it and is currently at the bottom of the sea with exactly two million dollars American worth of pirate gold. This ship sunk when it hit a glacier, you see. The mysterious light is caused by the reflection of the diamond, somehow. Go home and sleep it off, R.G.

Before I can even process this madness another man named "Stix" is proposing a mutiny and I'm wondering what I did wrong in the last few days to deserve this agony.

Getting a random disease and dying in 1890? Must be the curse of that diamond!

I decide to stay loyal to the crazy old guy I just met, always the best policy, and Stik simply accepts it and leaves. Well, all right then. Now it's time to choose a direction to sail with absolutely no information provided. This book sucks.

Ten days pass and the light steadily grows brighter until we're directly over it. Those random direction choosing skills doe, what can you say? Diving suit on, down I go. As you probably saw coming Stik is already there, somehow, sitting on the treasure chest and holding a knife. 


Using gestures or whatever I form an unstable alliance with the kind of guy who via unknown means, without a ship or anything, got to the treasure first and then was just chilling down there with a blade out because just use your imagination or whatever. We raise the chest, a feat that would probably be impossible considering the weight of the gold but I've stopped caring and I just want out. We also simply leave the diamond behind because who wants to be cursed by alien wizards or the like and head off, celebrating the considerable windfall. But wait! It's a pirate ship!

This is cultural appropriation and it's not okay.

My ingenious tactic of sailing "west" is enough to outwit the sea brigands and we're heading home with big money and Mr. Stabby/Mutiny isn't even going to betray us because unpredictable changes in the few traits a character has rules. I'm even offered a chance to "explore a cave" after the ending, but decide against it.

Now I remember why I wait for months and months between these reviews.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

News You Can't Use: Chinese Authorities 'Arrest' Ronald McDonald Statue

We have always been allies with EastAsia and because of this eternal friendship it makes sense to attempt to better understand our good buddies who generously loan us non-manipulated currency and take undesirable jobs off our hands. Our own culture of clowns, pink mystery burgers and epidemic obesity might in some ways clash with their benevolent good nature, so perhaps today's story will be instructive in insuring that our highly fulfilling equal partnership continues into the bright future that surely awaits.

Chinese authorities weren’t lovin’ Ronald McDonald this week, hauling away a statue of the clown that was blocking sidewalk foot traffic.

Nothing like a little goofy joking around to make a totalitarian state much more palatable to the sort of person who reads a newspaper that prints important stories like "Best Sex Ever." A few wacky modified burger slogans makes it all better. That entire student massacre, talk about bad time, bad taste. Did somebody say repressive dictatorship? We love to see you against a wall or in slave labor. There's something for everybody to love in that gulag. Have you had your two minutes hate today?

Uniformed code enforcement officers in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou ripped the Ronald McDonald figure off its base, leaving only his big red shoes behind, as shoppers in the Huadu District of commerce hub Guangzhou looked on in amazement Sunday.

I mean, we're used to you treating human beings in the most horrible fashion possible, but a statue of a clown mascot? What is the future, Winston? Imagine wacky clown shoes stomping on a human face, forever.

The city had been warning operators of this McDonald’s that its statue was hindering pedestrian traffic, according to state organ the People’s Daily.

People disappear for having unpopular thoughts, but on the other hand pedestrian rights are aggressively defended. Maybe I was wrong in my initial judgments.

“If the McDonald’s staff admit their violation and accept the punishment, they can have their statue back.”

If you'd just win that war over yourself we could put old Bad Ronald up again.

When capitalism and communism combine and retain all their worst elements.

Pictures of Ronald McDonald’s arrest have gone viral, and opened authorities up for mockery across China. 

Don't worry, it's nothing a series of summary punishments can't solve.

One user of the popular social media platform Sina Weibo wondered if Chinese authorities were acting under orders from a rival, powerful military figure named Col. Sanders.

Trampling on human rights is hilarious. If nothing else we've proven that.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

This Week in Legitimate Mainstream News from a Highly Credible Source

Lord President Trump Invades Canada, Allied Powers Declare War on America

This morning American panzer divisions crossed the Canadian frontier, laying waste to their pathetic wall-free border and striking deep into the poutine and hockey resources beyond. This is the latest in a string of fascist disasters since the election of the New York businessmen, and is expected to visit the same disaster and misery on you, the common loser person who must be spoon-fed correct opinions. What were you thinking when you elected this guy? Why did you ignore all the warnings from Soros and the Republican establishment and street criminals?

In a speech following the attack our Supreme Ruling Emperor, a man who was once declared "The Best Sex Ever" by a bikini model, called our soon to be subjugated northern neighbor "A total loser country, can't defend itself" and "low energy, total failure." In response, the forces of NATO have declared war on the GrossTrumpland, proving that it made sense to allow this bizarre Cold War relic to continue to exist for some reason.

Our unbiased ten-part examination, starting Monday.

Stock Market Crashes, Free Trade Disaster

Printing worthless money and allowing jobs to leave for foreign shores is simple good sense. Because of God King Trump this wise counsel was thrown out the window and now we're reaping the foul harvest. The Dow Jones Index opened at 34 and was somehow deep in the negatives by closing. This disaster left wealthy bastards slightly uncomfortable and will, presumably, impact you, the chattel serf. Why did you vote for this guy? If only a bunch of satirical articles in a formerly respected newspaper had been written but alas, that was not the case.

More Cold Weather, Trump Responsible

Winter sure is hanging around and it's obvious where to point the finger: a man from New York who owns numerous golf courses and as such caused irreparable damage to the climate of God's Green Earth. Trust me, folks, it's that darn Trump. Yup, you're darn tooting. It now appears likely that most of the planetary healing caused by the election of Obama has been undone and a second ice age and/or global warming meltdown is now inevitable. Why couldn't the Boston Onion raise the alarm eighteen months ago? Well, they didn't, we're screwed.  

I have a four year degree in journalism.

Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks

Looks like it's going to be a long year for your favorite sports team, a team that finds itself lacking talented veterans as well as promising young players. Instead, it's all scrubs. Lots of losing awaits, maybe even in the Big Game, and your guys won't even get a high draft pick because the Trump Sports Law gave all of those to whatever the New York team is. Unless that's your favorite team, then please pretend they're going to Omaha's squadron or whatever. Trump ruined it, vote for anyone else.


All of the following people died because of President Donald Trump...

EastAsia has always been our ally...

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

News You Can't Use: Suit That Mimics Life at Age 85 Has No Creases, Just Creak

Using special suits to create various compelling illusions is one of the more healthy trends our society has produced, from high-tech onanism devices to those special swimming outfits that were quickly banned when the Olympic committee realized what they'd done. Now you have the chance to simulate the joys of being a respected Golden Ager, just the thing to coincide with the "it's radical to be mature and restrained, bro" trend that's dominating the college debt demographic right now. The stoic inner harmony in the face of imminent dissolution and fondness for the "good old days" is still up to you, but now you can at least enjoy the pain and weakness.

With the push of a button, a perfectly healthy 34-year-old museum-goer named Ugo Dumont was transformed into a confused 85-year-old man with cataracts, glaucoma and a ringing in his ears known as tinnitus.

That's what they call the ringing? I assumed it was just a righteous bonus of enjoying heavy rock. I guess the blown-out eyes that could only be cured by the devil grass is somewhat less face-melting in its implications.

Dumont had volunteered at Liberty Science Center on Tuesday to don a computer-controlled exoskeleton that can be remotely manipulated to debilitate joints, vision and hearing and shared with the crowd what aging feels like decades before his time.

Thanks to inactivity, excess sitting, a garbage diet and crushing stress that whole "decades away!" line seems quite optimistic.

The 40-pound (18 kg) suit also gave Dumont a taste of the weight gain people typically experience as they age.

Let's ignore the epidemic of stay-puff marshmallow children or the freshmen fifty and pretend the above is accurate.

"Wow," Dumont gasped as he struggled to walk on a treadmill facing a video titled "Walk on the Beach."

Please adjust your thirty-something poopy talk to the "by dickey cricky" and "what in the Sam Hill?" oldster talk to fit your new advanced age, completing the illusion.

His heart raced from 81 beats per minute to 100 as the staff cranked up the ailments, pushing buttons and levers on a control board linked to the computer backpack that he wore.

Man, crank up those ailments! I used to be into dope, but now I'm into premature aging simulators. It's a much heavier trip. Whoa, far out.

The Genworth Aging Experience is a traveling show created by Genworth Financial Inc., an insurance company, in partnership with Applied Minds, a design and engineering company, that allows museum visitors to feel first-hand the effects of aging.  

This is part of our special educational campaign to raise awareness of your precarious mortality and the unbelievable weakness of the flesh.

Get off my lawn, beep boop.

Genworth "brand ambassador" Candace Hammer, who narrated one demonstration of the aging suit, said the show's aim is to build empathy and awareness of the challenges elderly people face in everyday situations. 

Hopefully these extreme measures will help you develop some basic human decency.

"In our culture, we revere youth and beauty, so this is opening up the channels to have the 'let's talk' conversation," Hammer said. "It's not shameful that you should need care."

It's time to have that long talk about the normal aging process. Here, put on this robot suit.

With him was his granddaughter, 8-year-old Maggie Richards of Mahwah, New Jersey, who said the "really cool" exhibit would change her behavior, too.

I think we can all agree this entire thing is totally freaking awesome.

"You think old people are weirdos but then you understand that they don't see you and they can't hear you," she said. "I'm going to give them more time to understand what to do. I'll say, 'Can you please move?' Instead of, 'Get out of the way!'"

Another future "Clockwork Orange" teen cured by the elderly cyborg helmet technique. Sorry you can't enjoy Beethoven any more kid, just a side-effect.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.