Friday, March 27, 2015

News You Can't Use: Six Flags to Cut 18,000 Trees to go Solar

We're clearly in the grips of a climate chaos that can easily be observed by watching the orderly and predictable progression of the seasons. The solution is breaking the grip of fossil fuels and their evil ally, trees. If thing go as planned we could have another Solyndra success story on our hands. And if they don't, who cares, because we had the veneer of good intentions covering increasingly destructive and illogical behavior. Yes, it's time to sit down and ask ourselves "Why is Saving the Earth so tainted with crazy that its credibility as an argument is totally ruined?" For an answer, consider the following amazing paragraphs.

A theme park plans to cut down more than 18,000 trees for the construction of what it says will be the largest solar farm in New Jersey.

We can say this without a hint of irony or self-awareness. First we hammer the pollution-creating trees. Then we create a doomed at birth project that should be able to keep everything running provided we never have a single cloudy day. Or nighttime. Then Peace Prizes and big profits, I would assume.

Six Flags Great Adventure says the facility will generate 21.9 megawatts, or enough to power about 3,100 homes, and capable of meeting all of the park's needs.

Unless there's two fluffy white clouds over the sun, in which case it will create enough power to almost keep one of those mini-fridges running.

The facility will be located east of the safari park in Jackson and is expected to be operational during the second half of 2016.

Discount lion safari and a chance to see broken and rotting solar arrays? Only in New Jersey, the magical place where dreams are cloaked in flesh and rust. First they gave us Bon Jovi, now this. The Garden State truly is America's Santa Claus.

Park President John Fitzgerald said in a statement that solar power will significantly reduce the park's reliance on fossil fuels.

No more endlessly pouring foreign oil into the "Wack-a-Mole" games and the tea cup ride.

We've got to get those trees cut down right away!

Six Flags spokeswoman Kristin Siebeneicher tells the Asbury Park Press the park and KDC Solar have pledged to replant 25,000 trees over a period of seven years.

I'm still waiting for them to fix "The Whizzer" so don't hold your breath.

Komment Korner  

Looks like your professors f-ed up your sense of reality again.

Their azz is their brain

If you can't attack the facts then attack the spelling.

brilliant, and solar farms are so attractive.

They are attractive. They are like a huge billboard that says "I'm with stupid."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

News You Can't Use: Teen Drivers Distracted Big Time by Cellphones, Talking in Most Crashes

No matter what your personal scapegoat for society's ills is, today's subject should cater to it. We've got young people, technology, phones, distractions and the gun in the garage. If that odious menu doesn't do it, how about throwing in largely useless studies and a headline that contains intentionally misleading information as well as the words "Big Time" to describe how our highways are running bright red with the spilled blood of texting punk kids and their victims. Get ready to be entertained big time as we examine the causes of youth pathology and how it relates to the internal combustion killer.

Whether teen drivers are talking or texting on cellphones or simply chatting with passengers, distractions play a larger role than previously thought in automobile accidents and were responsible for about six of every 10 moderate to severe crashes, according to a study released on Wednesday.

We were planning on simply blaming the accidents on accepted conventional wisdom like "worst generation ever" and "bunch of softies who never fought the Space Invader Arcade War like me" but it turns out the most obvious answer is, incredibly, the correct one.

The study, by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, analyzed about 1,700 videos taken from inside crash vehicles. The videos are used as part of a private program designed to coach drivers to improve performance.

"See how Tommy texter crossed the center line and had a head-on collision? Don't do that." Thank you private program for coaching me into improved performance. Now excuse me while I drink a six pack of the cheap stuff and drive home.

“Access to crash videos has allowed us to better understand the moments leading up to a vehicle impact in a way that was previously impossible,” said Peter Kissinger, president and CEO of the AAA Foundation, a driving research and education group established in 1947 by AAA, the service organization for motorists.

I'm not really one to talk, but this is run-on sentence hell right here. Nested quotations within nested quotations, it's just too much. Also, watching these videos is totally entertaining once you learn to ignore the human cost, which for us is easy.

“The in-depth analysis provides indisputable evidence that teen drivers are distracted in a much greater percentage of crashes than we previously realized.” 

Finally scientific evidence that the delinquent kid next door is no good.

According to the group’s analysis, all forms of distraction were a factor in 58% of the studied crashes, including in 89% of the crashes where the vehicle left the road and in 76% of the accidents involving rear-end collisions.

Suffice it to say "distraction" is a pretty broad topic and not especially helpful for isolating specific interventions. Can we just start blaming the pocket phone demon like in the headline?

The top distraction, found in about 15% of the crashes, involved the driver interacting with at least one passenger in the vehicle.

Generally when I'm interacting with my passenger that vehicle is parked, if you know what I'm saying.

Also, for the common safety, please pull over before you savagely beat your loved ones.

Next, at 12%, was the driver using a cellphone to talk, text or review the screen for messages and such.

"Right, you know messages and such. That sort of thing. Birds that are angry, dodgy stuff like that."

Other forms of distraction included: the driver looking at something in the vehicle, 10%; looking at something outside the vehicle other than the road, 9%; singing or dancing to music, 8%.

Keep your eyes firmly on the blacktop, it will keep you safe. Also, people are dancing in cars? Man, I'm missing out on so much by showing nominal levels of responsibility.

All forms of grooming such as checking hair accounted for 6% of the crashes, according to the report. That was the same percentage as a driver reaching for an object in the vehicle.

Yup, hair is still there. On the top of my head, right where I left it. Well, mostly.

“It is troubling that passengers and cellphones were the most common forms of distraction given that these factors can increase crash risks for teen drivers,” AAA CEO Bob Darbelnet said in a prepared statement.

"We'd like to see that number go down and the 'reaching for objects' one go up to compensate."

On the bright side I found what I was reaching for.

“The situation is made worse by the fact that young drivers have spent less time behind the wheel and cannot draw upon their previous experience to manage unsafe conditions.”

And no, years of playing Ridge Racer is not a suitable substitute. 

"Making the road a safer place for everyone is our core mission, and Lytx is honored to have played such a key role in research of this magnitude and importance," said Brandon Nixon, chief executive officer of Lytx, a privately-held San Diego-based company.

I wanted to call this project "RoadGate" but was shouted down.

In the videos released by the AAA foundation, one teen is shown trying to negotiate a wet road with one hand on the steering wheel and the other holding a cellphone to his ear. Another video shows the driver looking at an electronic device, seemingly texting. The driver’s eyes leave the road and the car veers off and appears to be heading toward a mailbox.

Please, stop doing intentionally stupid things.

“AAA recommends that state laws prohibit cell phone use by teen drivers and restrict passengers to one non-family member for the first six months of driving,” the group urged.

We understand that this recommendation is basically worthless and apologize for wasting your time.

Komment Korner  

They play video games and think that's what driving is...

Another problem is that distracted driving is encouraged by cellphone companies and gizmo manufacturers.

What I see almost daily here in Irvine are mostly middle aged women in SUVs holding cell phones in front of them or against their ears.

If they aren't being stimulated every minute of every day by a hand held computer, they think something is wrong.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Choose Your Own Adventure #18: Underground Kingdom

After playing through a Which Way book that made the Blaster Master origin story look fairly logical in comparison and was probably less than 500 total words worth of "Pick a door!" before a deadly head injury it's time to return to the relatively verbose world of Choose Your Own Adventure. I have to admit, I'm pretty hyped for today's offering. Hollow Earth is one of the those science fiction ideas that really needs to make a comeback. Sure, it's a scientific impossibility, but so are vampires, benevolent factory owners who have bizarre sexual proclivities and vampire benevolent factory et. cetras, and that impossibility doesn't seem to dissuade what passes for the modern writer. I mean, come on, let's have more stories about the new race just discovered beneath Denver and so forth.

 It's time we get off our high horse and have a national conversation on the coming race.

Unfortunately this one gets off to a poor start with the always unwelcome Edward Packard "Special Warning!!!!" a gimmick that has reared its ugly head in the past. Sadly, this one promises to be a veritable family reunion of Edward Packard tropes that I've become so thoroughly familiar with since I started jousting this particular windmill in 2013. In this case, we're offered to the chance to read theories from some "Is such a thing even possible?" academic regarding Hollow Earth. To sweeten the deal, we're told this excerpt will be "rather boring." My Hype Level is dropping fast and we're not even to the first page.

Wait 'til Queen Victoria hears about this!

I slog it out and the main takeaways of this not exactly thrilling dissertation on ideas that have been proven wrong about as completely as possible is that the Earth is in some ways like a pumpkin, there's a "Black Sun" inside that absorbs heat instead of generating it and some reverse gravity concept is at play. It's very important to describe this because otherwise ten-year-old Timmy would be crying about scientific inaccuracies in a lazily written homage to 1880s pulp novels.

The story finally gets going and at least the set-up is mercifully economical. I'm in Greenland with a dynamic duo of a geologist and a different kind of geologist named Larsen and Sneed. These guys have "get devoured by giant lizards living in Earth's mantle" written all over them, so I'm fighting not to get too attached. We've reached the "bottomless crevasse," a sight we regard with mixed feelings of joy and sorrow. Yes, this is a massive discovery, but good old Dr. Vivaldi disappeared into it a year ago and hasn't been seen since. Barring some miracle, the author might be forced to come up with a new name to attach to his personality-free academic stereotypes. Please, no. 

  The answer is "fiction."

We stand there in silent thought, wondering how something could be bottomless and so on. Before this philosophical onanism can offer the massive pay-offs you'd expect some strange force pulls me into the chasm and I'm in free fall. I'm given a choice to aim for a ledge, but decide against it because all that boring but useful knowledge I gained a few minutes ago suggests a change in gravity should kick in and save me from the horrible death that is so common in these stories. 

Instead I land in a heap on the ledge. It turns out the pages for the two choices were reversed. A pretty embarrassing mistake considering what a big money operation this was at the time and that this is the very first choice. Oh well, play it where it lies, right? A snowbank prevented serious injury and like the true hero that I am I'm able to offer pitiful cries for help to the Geology Dream Team up above. They're getting ropes ready, but then I remember the bizarre sucking force and decide to warn them off and hopefully forestall their appointment with mortality. Yes, I'm the kind of person who roots for the security officers in old Star Trek episodes. As doomed as these guys clearly are, I want to see them defy the odds.

 Believe it or not they actually survive. Really!

Forewarned, the rock scientists are able to rig up some ropes and pull my sorry rear end out of the dead drop slot. Everyone then immediately agrees we should quit while we're ahead and give up on all the amazing and totally radical adventures that might have otherwise occurred. So we go home. The End. 

Yeah, I spent more time reading what even the author described as dull introductory material than in the actual story itself. I did save those guys who I'm sure take the dirt nap on every other path, but that was about it. I can't really give you a fair rating after this kind of run, but based on what I did read I'd say don't get your hopes up. Hey, at least Dr. Vivaldi won't be coming back. Yeah, right.

Look at the nerd with the science book! Hilarious! Can't stop laughing!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

News You Can't Use: San Francisco Saint Mary’s Cathedral Drenches Homeless With Water To Keep Them Away

Today's story has a lot going for it, clearly. Plenty of excellent chances to display outrage, which is always a very positive and cathartic thing to do. A sensationalist headline followed by the sort of reporting we've come to know and love from an ad-riddled CBS news site. Water delivery systems. And, at the heart of it, the battle for separation between church and human derelict, with water that never quite achieves the level of a "real rain" trying to solve a problem that just screams "Healthy Democracy."

KCBS has learned that Saint Mary’s Cathedral, the principal church of the Archdiocese of San Francisco, has installed a watering system to keep the homeless from sleeping in the cathedral’s doorways.

Don't bother asking how we found out, it's not important. All that matters is we know. We have our ways.

The cathedral, at Geary and Gough, is the home church of the Archbishop. There are four tall side doors, with sheltered alcoves, that attract homeless people at night.

Like moths to a flame. Put up some giant doors and alcoves and you'll get this. There's no human agency involved.

“They actually have signs in there that say, ‘No Trespassing,’” said a homeless man named Robert.

I ignored those signs because I'm a criminal.

But there are no signs warning the homeless about what happens in these doorways, at various times, all through the night. Water pours from a hole in the ceiling, about 30 feet above, drenching the alcove and anyone in it.

Please submit your best ideas for "drug addled drifter getting soaked" signage. The winner will get their work put up in a dark alcove!

The shower ran for about 75 seconds, every 30 to 60 minutes while we were there, starting before sunset, simultaneously in all four doorways. KCBS witnessed it soak homeless people, and their belongings.

Yeah, we hung around their for hours watching this sad spectacle and didn't warn anyone. Let's focus on how wrong the church is instead, shall we?

“We’re going to be wet there all night, so hypothermia, cold, all that other stuff could set in. Keeping the church clean, but it could make people sick,” Robert said.

Maybe not sleep there? Just an idea off the top of my head, I don't know if it's any good.

The water doesn’t really clean the area. There are syringes, cigarette butts, soggy clothing and cardboard. There is no drainage system. The water pools on the steps and sidewalks.

Consider this a preemptive strike on the "It's for cleaning purposes!" argument that we've anticipated. The water's barely doing anything. It's all a lie.

A neighbor who witnessed the drenching told KCBS, “I was just shocked, one because it’s inhumane to treat people that way. The second thing is that we are in this terrible drought.

These two statements are contradictory.

With many significant alterations it could be used to clear your doorstep.

“We refer them, mostly to Catholic Charities, for example for housing,” Lyford said. “To Saint Anthony’s soup kitchen for food, if they want food on that day. Saint Vincent de Paul if they need clothes.”

Please stop this, we're trying to demonize you because you "drenched" some needle drug enthusiasts.

Some of the homeless bring waterproof gear, even an umbrella, to try to stay dry. Frustrated cathedral employees tell us they don’t have the staff to police the doorways, which are used by churchgoers during services.

Yes, we know how a door generally functions, CBS. Also "waterproof gear?" Well, I can either eat, satisfy my drug habit or purchase this wet suit...easy choice.

Then, suggests this church neighbor, turn it off. “I would hope that they would stop doing this, both for environmental reasons and for common decency.”

Think of the environment! What is this doing to nature's concrete and tar? Since this person is all about Common Decency maybe he should invite the homeless into his or her own house, or at least let them sleep on the porch. It is, after all, the right thing to do.

The statement goes on to say, “Catholic organizations in San Francisco serve thousands of homeless people every year, providing shelter, food, and critical services.  That is the true picture of compassionate Catholic care.”

Don't expect any stories about that.

Don't visit the ad-infested source.

Komment Korner  

San Francisco is the closest thing to Sodom this side of Gomorrah.

Let’s send positive and uplifting thoughts their way.

i installed a shower for you to cleanse your soul.

i only pounce on your mom, she loves it

Did you read past the headline or is that too much to expect from John Q Public

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Friday, March 13, 2015

DotTeeVee: The Sad Future of Video Games

You have to keep sensible priorities in life. Eroding freedoms? Who cares. Endless doomed foreign wars that leave things worse than before we got involved? Blah, whatever. Corruption at the highest levels of government that has become so brazen they're not even bothering to conceal it anymore? Let me know if it ever comes out on Netflix, man. Messing with my video games? You realize, of course, this means war.

Yes, this makes sense. I can't be bothered that my neighbors became unpersons for speaking their minds or that we're funding terrorists in some country half a world away. What matters is keeping that electronic lotus eating device running and keeping it free and pure. Sadly, it appears we're losing this battle. Today in a very special episode of DotTeeVee (you might want to bring your whole family in to watch this one) we're going to glimpse at the depressing future of the murder simulator and then, because frankly this video is too short and lame for a whole entry, break down the always illuminating YouTube commentary.

Yes, I'm actually going to read and analyze comments on a one minute YouTube "vidyagame" whine. Abandon all hope, etc.

Before we can even get going I'm forced to watch an unskippable commercial. Please remember this, it will become important soon.

Music plays and we see the menu of an EA Sports game, i.e. panels everywhere that take up as much space as possible to give the illusion of lots of features. Is this what's wrong with the future of gaming?


Just to get all your guesses out of the way it's also not the encroachment of politically correct censorship, "save often" replacing "become good" as the way to get through games, little kids calling you incorrectly used slurs in online play, load times, buying a glorified Beta that's full of bugs and requires multiple patches, the expectation that you'll want to be on-line all the time, the same three games being made over and over, the fact that EA sports releases are little more than roster updates protected by an illegal monopoly or the times when your friends sweat on the controller.

You mean "pucks," right?

There's an option to watch a video to earn pucks/coins which are presumably an in-game currency used to buy different colored skates or unlock the Eastern Conference or whatever. All you have to do is watch a video and you're that much closer to being allowed to play as the Washington Capitals without buying the right to do so for $9.99 on X-Box Live. What could possibly go wrong?

It's a commercial.

I really have to wonder what this guy was expecting to see. Hockey goons feeding each other the meat candy? The video for "Round and Round" by Ratt? Maybe in paradise that's what you'd get, but in this fallen world you're shown a goofy ad for Philadelphia Cheese Steaks where "Steak" and "Cheese" are said repeatedly while images of the same are shown. I love getting outraged as much as the next person, but it's hard to consider this a trick bag in light of the fact that it's an optional choice that was freely made, unlike, oh I don't know, having to sit through fifteen seconds of b.s. to see this guy's one minute video.  

Besides, you still get "coins" that you can use to unlock genderless romances in Career Mode, right? That's a shuck, too, apparently. You only get 200, which I guess isn't a lot. Let us all weep for the grim future of simulated hockey.

How will I afford the new elite set items for my Right Wing Power Forward?

That's the entire video. Yeah, really.

Komment Korner, Special Effort Edition  

There's a lot of comments discussing this modern masterpiece, of course, but we'll separate them into some broad categories to make this manageable.

The Totally Worthless 

Multiple claims of being "first," internet slang that was cool and exciting twenty years ago and assorted other statements completely bereft of even the slightest value. Yes, actual real human beings, debatable I know, provided this drivel. Sad future of video games, meet the sad future of humanity.



Wtf hahaha 😵😂😂


Ok then







Yes, all those el oh els are different people. Is it wrong to hope that President Putin "accidentally" bumps that big red button?

  You post garbage, Maverick. I like that.

The "What's the Big Deal" Opposition

What's more fun than being contrary just because you can? Well, lots of things, but when your life is a vast wasteland of watching other people play games on YouTube you take your pleasure where you can get it.

Dont really see the big deal here Johnny

I enjoy the commercial, i really do actually. And i'll take any source of coins.

Wow u cry about that lol 

How many coins did you expect?

You dont have to watch genius...

The Optimists 

Glass half FULL, am I right? For these people, it definitely is and they want to share that positivity with all their nameless and faceless friends in cyberspace!

I went to that Blues game that happened that day.i loved it the best my first game

Don't hate EA! They're people after all and they need money just like everyone else does! They have to feed their families! Don't you have any decency left Johnny?!?!

at least the ad was entertaining....i guess

haters are gonna hate. take a lesson from T. Swift. just shake them off. 

alright sir, I love the beard by the way

Dunno. As long as it keeps video games at 60 bucks.

Like Rain On Your Wedding Day

I wasn't the only one to notice a certain irony.

Them putting ads in the game makes them more money, just like you making this bs effortless video makes you more money

ironically, i had to sit thru an unskippable ad to watch this

Sad future of 2BC: making half-assed minute long videos that looked to made in Windows Movie Maker that would serve better as a tweet just for the views.

This has to be the most pointless video. Everybody knows about the ads. Yet you decide to make a video about it for what? A few extra bucks in your pocket?

They're the Angry Video Game Nerds   

Now we're talking! Let's get into the proper spirit and rage against the dying of the light. 

dude honestly fuck EA, they also patched selling fut coins in fifa 15 by adding a minimum and maximum selling price for players, so u cant for example put a bronze player into sale for 2mil. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT MONEY, once again FUCK EA

Those scum-sucking bottom-feeding bastards over at EA would do anything for a quick buck. 
More commercials on next gen than actual game modes... a sad future indeed

growth of capitalism + upcoming generation of entitled shitbrains = no funwtf was that for a free EA coins advertisement?!?!?!?!?!?!


And the sad part is i had one of those cheese steaks today, there not even that good. 

Open Mic Night

Don't you love to laugh? Sure you do, you braying imbecile. Here's some humor attempts of wildly varying quality for your consideration.

I want a steak and cheese panini now.

This made me want a sandwich

The sad future of video games*    * = If all you play are shitty sports games... 

EA starts to press the lemon a little bit too much 

That face doe 

Digression! Digression!  

Let's wrap it up with some comments that have absolutely nothing to do with the contents of this video. Come on bro, make some "Civ" videos instead of this!


What is sad I you can't upload a mother fucking halo

Where is the new Arizona coyotes be a gm mode video 

I dunno if its worst then waiting 3 weeks for a civ video.

Johnny in your gm mode you should for the rest of the year put lou morris as cap because if this is the last year with the coyotes you will never see lou be the cap for your team

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

News You Can't Use: 2 Dead Skunks Found With ‘Obama Stinks’ Sign

Want to make a meaningless political statement that will have no impact whatsoever on the present transformation of America into the best country to ever exist? If you're relatively normal, you'll do the sensible thing and just post your crazy, wet-brain thoughts on the internet. Honestly, what could be more healthy than draining the venom under an assumed name on the tubes? It just feels right. Then we've got people that decide the best empty gestures are achieved with dead varmints and dead tree signage. Please do not imitate these people and seek out the tons of free publicity we give them under the guise of condemning their actions.

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, are investigating the discovery of two dead skunks with a sign reading “Obama Stinks.”

Luckily there's no real crime, so we can waste tax dollars trying to avenge the deaths of vermin.

One skunk had string wrapped around its neck and was nailed to a telephone pole, while the other was found at the base. The sign with the anti-Obama message was attached to the pole and also had an American flag with a hammer and sickle in place of the stars.

SKUNK News, when the slightly right of center ravings of FOX news just aren't getting it. We kill stinky giant rats and spread the truth about the U.S.S.A.

A woman who noticed the dead animals called Fairfield police at 8:40 Tuesday morning.

"There's a dead skunk and crime speech, please send the police tank."

Fairfield Police Lt. James Perez said authorities aren’t sure what to make of the sign.

Yeah, it is pretty inscrutable.

The police are helpless, can YOU figure this out?

“Is it a direct threat? I’m not sure it’s even a veiled threat. We really don’t know what it is at this point,” Perez told WCBS 880’s Alex Silverman.

At this point I'm not even sure if I could spell my own name. Oh well, back to use high-powered weapons and military vehicles to "protect" the community.

“They wanted to present a message to others of their views and they wanted to do it in such a shocking way that it would get people’s attention. It clearly got their attention,” Chief Gary MacNamara told WCBS 880’s Connecticut Bureau Chief Fran Schneidau said.

A slightly more intelligent member of the force explained the situation.

However, it does seem to be clear case of animal cruelty, Silverman reported.

Arranging dead vermin to make a political point...First Amendment protected? Get on this, Supreme Court.

“In this day and age with so many people leading complex lives, it’s silly that you would have someone make such a bold statement using a defenseless animal,” Perez said.

In fairness they're more than capable of defending themselves, what with that musk and all.

Anyone with information that may be helpful is urged to contact police or animal control.

An issue for the town dog catcher or something that will require a police air strike...we're still not sure.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source.

Komment Korner  

Now that's what I call truth in advertising!

ha, this is great.... although I could use better words than "stinks" when it comes to the serial lying fraud

Gotta love those progressive liberals.... What will they think of next?

I'm having a VERY good time at your expense!

And, you'll wet your bed again tonight

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, March 6, 2015

Which Way Books #1: The Castle of No Return

Last time a search for a living fossil ended in horrible death and I learned that you definitely want to try to steer left or right when your ship is being thrown around by massive rogue waves. Coming off this less than stellar run I've decided it's about time to get back into the Which Way series. Honestly, I don't know why I waited so long. Which Way is sort of the anti-Twist-a-Plot: It looks like another inferior Choose Your Own Adventure knock-off, but I was amazed at the minimally competent story-telling and direct prose free of pain-inducing attempts at humor. Yes, this is high praise. Today we're going to go back to the one that started it all. There's some crazy stuff going down at this castle. I feel this is an acceptable high-concept plot line to begin a high profile series.

  The new darker and edgier "Scooby Doo" re-imagining.

Like all the greatest myths and legends common to every culture on earth this epic tale begins with bad television reception. I try to fight it, because passive entertainment/indoctrination totally rules, but fail to get the job done. Worse, every television in my town is down! In nine months the maternity ward is going to be flooded, I'm just saying.

It's at this point I notice "strange electronic sounds" coming from the woods behind my house. It's on now. I grab my knife (yeah, really) and head out. These suckers are gonna pay for messing with my idiot box.

The upshot of this amazing back-story is that many hours of hiking through the apparently massive forest finally takes me to the titular castle and a run-down shack that somehow didn't get title credit. I'm just going to stop here to allow a moment of silent awe for this set-up. This is on par with the story behind "Blaster Master." Glass toilet down. Get knife. Find castle. So good. 

 It's a pretty logical progression when you think about it.

I can either swim the moat to the castle or examine the low-income housing. After much deliberation, I decide to try my luck in the water, although logically the unabomber residence is probably more likely to be the source of the attack on our beloved anesthetizing technology. I'm about to dive in, but the drawbridge simply lowers, so it looks like I won't have to mess up my hair or get the shark treatment after all. I walk across and it closes behind me. Bad move buddy, now you're trapped in here with me, my deadly swiss army blades and my righteous fury that demands satisfaction. You awoke a sleeping giant when you attacked my cathode ray tranquilizer, punk.

Someone is screaming and there's a poorly described light beam. Let's see about that beam.

  We apologize for this interruption of "The Mussolini Bunch."

I walk to the light and there's some odd prose about how it might "warm me" whatever that's supposed to mean. Also, there's a door. The minimalism might be starting to work against the narrative here, I'm just saying. I could just stand in the light and "warm my body," but I'm here for some of that get even, not to experiment with alternative heating methods. I try the door.

Then another door. Then I fall down some stone stairs and knock myself out. This all happens in rapid fire with about as much description as I just gave you. Coming around I'm "groggy and weak" and, using all that knowledge of concussions that didn't exist when this was written (Get back in the game, you're fine!) I decide to take some time to recover, or "rest" as the book puts it. Yup, gonna rest that traumatic brain injury, a little worst aid will fix this right up.

Man, can't wait to post this on Facebook.

My sensible brain injury protocol is, of course, rewarded with horrible death. A black widow spider crawls over, injects its deadly venom and I die in agony. I guess I should have know it wasn't going to be my day when all my favorite shows weren't available, but when you see a castle in the woods you just have to know. 

I'm giving this one high marks just for the absolutely insane introduction. Once the story proper kicked in it wasn't nearly as fun. Everything seemed so straight forward and ordinary in the Castle of Evil where more weirdness would have been quite welcome. Maybe other paths give you that, I just opened doors and took the Nestea plunge to my death. Also, 1982 didn't know anything about concussions.

Alternate cover suggests heroic fantasy, not poor reception and deadly stairs.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

News You Can't Use: Nigerian Woman Files For Divorce Because Her Husband's Penis is 'Too Big'

Having a giant penis isn't easy, let me tell you. You're practically immune to the advertising industry and miss out on all sorts of neat compensatory products like giant trucks and impractical computer technology. No one ever believes your vacation orgy stories because you feel the need to preface them by mentioning the fact that your unit is the size of a baby's arm. Then there's the difficulty in getting the word do you even do that? And don't get me started on marriages that fail when the wedding bazooka comes out.

A Nigerian woman filed for divorce from her husband because his penis was too big, according to media reports.

Finally the wisdom of no-fault divorce and a "no reason specified" box to check becomes clear. They knew what they were doing when they gut-shot civilization with that policy, obviously.

Aisha Dannupawa, a housewife and mother-of-three, asked for her marriage to husband Ali Maizinari to be dissolved due to his large manhood.

We've got, like, armadillos in our trousers and it's very intimidating.

Their divorce was granted after just one week of marriage in a Islamic Sharia court in Nigeria's Zamfara State.

Before we institute Sharia law we should consider the impact on Elephant Trunk in Pants-Americans. And on people that like to drink and/or gamble. And the problematic issues of religion and state. And about a million other things. Maybe not do it?

She told the court she had married Maizinari after her first marriage failed.

Whether the pocket jackhammer was an issue there, too, remains unknown at this time.

As part of the local tradition, before settling into her husband's home the bride was invited to move into his parents' house.

This has nothing to do with anything, but hey, isn't that unusual. Other cultures, man.

But it was only when the couple first had sex she claimed that the trauma began.

It appears that all those letters to Penthouse were not entirely honest.

'Instead of enjoying the sex, it turned out to be something else, because his penis was too big,' she told the court, according to Nigeria's Tribune.

"Ok, the next person who giggles gets thirty days in jail."

'I told my mother the experience but she told me to endure and that with time, I will be able to cope. She then gave me some drugs,' she said to Nigerian media.

Looking forward to seeing ads for exciting new "Land that 747, ladies" pills during televised golf events.

According to Dannupawa, the couple had sex again but it was 'too much to bear' and the couple concluded that no drug could help their sex life or their marriage.

Very similar to the ending of "Funky Cold Medina," actually.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

Yeah.'s is annoying ...lost my first three wives through the same problem.

My wife has never complained my "guvna of love" is too big

Us men cant win either way!

I'm onto my 5th divorce so far.

No DM reporter will even attach their name to this article. Who'd want to take credit for googling this pointless story?

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.