Saturday, June 24, 2017

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION, Part III

I know, I promised this over a month ago and then failed miserably on the old follow-through. In my defense I didn't realize how difficult it would be to slog through nearly an hour worth of freedom getting wrecked by the worst imaginable tyrannies. I started to feel like I was being detained myself, but then I remembered I was free to go. Fortunately for the sports gambling and stock market bots that frequent this blog I've decided to voluntarily restore joinder with this amazing and critically acclaimed inquisition into the Sovereign Citizen movement, so let's dive right back in. Last time we learned that our birth certificates are bought and sold on the Chinese Dry Goods Exchange, we met an "activist" who failed to defuse a police encounter by offering Pepsi and nearly paid the ultimate price and we discovered that there is such a thing as "too cute" in a dog. Today, we've got even more life lessons, or at least that would be a sensible presumption.

We get off to a hot start by meeting a man who resembles Willy Wonka's far less successful younger brother. Something tells me that we're going to end this segment with a "You lose, good day sir!" Just a wild guess. Anyway, the Wilder Lite is in the middle of a call to some agent of the Beast System. It might be a badge fascist, since he's already getting read his rights from whoever is on the other end of the line. Not the best start to my efforts to buy back my birth certificate from East Asia. "Anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?" outrages the Free Man and this is quickly confirmed.

Slugworth stole my recipe for balloon candy? What?

When asked to clarify his understanding of the situation the resistor declares that his rights emanate from God and not something a police officer reads off a tiny card. This is the hero we don't deserve. "I'm in charge!" he insists, which is right up there with "You can't arrest me" and "I was told I'm special and unique" when it comes to impotent bravado. To punctuate this limp stand against evil he rises out of the chair, giving us a nice close-up of the frontal "area" before walking away from the camera. Low production values and poor blocking in a homemade Sovereign Citizen recording? It's more likely than you might expect.

A blanket denial of understanding the plain English that was read off a laminated piece of paper follows, while baby and dog noises from off-camera add to the surreal atmosphere. A question about an "attorney" earns an outraged "What???" Ignorance of that obscure and rarely seen profession is certainly understandable. Suffice it to say, there is no legal representation for the Man They Can't Break. Without any resolution, it's over. This entire segment seemed more like some sort of lazy student film. It's called "Free Wonka," dudemar. It's, like, a commentary on the shackles that bind us to this dying society or whatever. Real hype stuff, I still have to put in some music and fix all the mistakes like that extreme crotch shot in editing.

Back to cuffing one of the losers from last week month while flashing lights threaten to trigger epilepsy. "Where's the blood coming from?" My best guess, and this is just a guess, would be "cuts in your flesh." While the speculation continues the man who refuses to be a barcode for a soulless nightmare state yells semi-coherently about "mob mentality" which would make a little more sense if he was being lynched instead of arrested by duly appointed officers. I mean, it's really a good point, never mind that. Mobs, man. That diffusion of responsibility doe.

Am I under arrest? Am I free to leave?

Time to discuss our rights, namely the right to be an "asshole" after tackling. This was originally going to be the Third Amendment before we got that weird bit about quartering soldiers in our homes. Additional potty mouth follows. "I'll stop when I'm done!" Whoa, totally far-out and with it, man. Take that, establishment. He apparently is done, because we cut away.

Next up is more footage I've already examined in loving detail. The short version is a southern-fried version of the T-1000 breaks a car's window barehanded in pursuit of humanity's last, best hope. Which turns out to be some goof who was "traveling" and refuses to give the papiern. Then he gets zapped with a tazer. Seriously, if you love the genre of Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned, and you shouldn't be reading this if you don't, this one is top shelf. 

Back to our telephone calling, attorney ignoring, suit wearing, wonka-looking son-of-a-gun. He's back out of the chair, leaving more "fix it in post" work for the aspiring filmmaker. Now the stranger on the other end is asking for a "Last Name," probably so he can sell it on the gray market. While this happens we get more waist-down shots. Seriously, I don't really need this in my life.

We leave our daylight caller, again without any resolution, for a news report from the Mainstream Media! Here comes the rigorous honesty, impartial balance and sincere desire to educate and improve the populace, in other words. The fake news du jour focuses on a Sovereign Citizen squatting in a 3 million dollar mansion. The police politely asked this person to leave, but no compliance followed and it's not like we have a legal monopoly on coercive force or anything so here we are. Ordinary slave citizens express bemusement, but what you're looking at is called "freedom," sheeple. It turns out that a woman "took over" the abandoned home. I know, what is even going on here?

Believe it or not, she has a so-called "criminal record" for trying to run over Brown Shirts in a traffic stop. And that's all for this highly polished and compelling tale from the local news. Will we use the rule of law to evict this decent and highly sane individual, or will "I do not consent to being arrested!" work for the first time ever? I don't know, it just ends abruptly.

More to come, hopefully in a more timely fashion!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

News You Can't Use: A Bunch Of CIA Staff Got Fired For Stealing Snacks From Vending Machines

I'm CIA. Uh, you don't get to bring your goofy article about how my coworkers are stealing snacks. Or you do, I guess. I'll call it in.

Several CIA contractors were kicked out of the agency for stealing more than $3,000 in snacks from vending machines, according to official documents newly obtained by BuzzFeed News.

When I'm suffering from between meal hunger you can't expect me to destabilize foreign governments or invent new street drugs. Besides, that one dollar, American, price is far too much to pay for salted goods and chocolate bar variations.

The thefts took place starting in the fall of 2012 and continued through March 2013, according to a declassified Office of Inspector General report from October 2013.

I'm losing respect for the "Russian Hackers" in light of the fact that our own super agents couldn't stop their own people from tipping the machine to make it dispense free product, in defiance of claims on that warning sticker.

The "theft scheme" involved unplugging a cable connecting the machines to an electronic payment system called FreedomPay, and then using "unfunded FreedomPay cards" to buy the snacks at no cost.

This clever scheme involved unplugging things. My proposed "tipping the machine" is practically James Bond stuff compared to this low effort caper. Now we know why Castro died of natural causes at a ripe old age.

After being informed of the thefts, the OIG installed "surveillance cameras at several key vending locations where a high occurrence of thefts were taking place," according to the report.

Then they put tape over the lens and we were back to square one. We couldn't topple Ukraine, but when it comes to stealing Kit Kats and Hog Logs we're an unstoppable force.

"Video footage recovered from the surveillance cameras captured numerous perpetrators engaged in the FreedomPay theft scheme, all of whom were readily identifiable as Agency contract personnel," the report states.

Actually the cameras worked, so it appears the total incompetence and laziness is evenly distributed throughout our glorious deep state swamp.

Investigators pinpointed one unidentified contract employee as having masterminded the scheme thanks to "his knowledge of computer networks." 

My extensive computer hacking knowledge taught me that electronics don't work when they're unplugged.

They quickly admitted to the thefts. All then surrendered their CIA badges, were escorted from the building by security, and were fired by their respective contract employers.

No regrets, am I right?

What would happen if I unplugged that snack machine? Would you die?

The OIG referred the matter to the US Attorney's office for Eastern District of Virginia for prosecution, but the Department of Justice declined to press charges. 

If you still think Hillary Clinton is going to do prison time, consider the above sentence.

Komment Korner   

A few candy bars is worth far, far less than a creative person.

Gurl, losing your government job over a damn Snickers? Really bitch?

With a budget of almost 15 billion (if you count black budget as well), it is nice to see them busting a $3000 dollar candy ring.

Shut up already about Hillary.

My grandma once taught me "Never steal anything that isn't worth the salary you'd lose doing the jail time."

Finally, integrety and accountability in government.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Saturday, June 17, 2017

News You Can't Use: Inside the Rehab Saving Young Men from their Internet Addiction

I've clearly won the battle against internet addiction, at least if my recent run of posting here is any indication (let's pretend it actually is and I don't spend hundreds of hours watching sovereign citizen and weightlifting battle videos). Not everyone is winning this battle over themselves, however. As evidenced by the legions of millennial human derelicts mercilessly bashing the candle in church parking lots with the aid of a tiny glowing screen, we've still got big problems. Fortunately expensive and humiliating "rehab" has been developed and we should soon see the end of electronic onanism in much the same way as the drug "fad" was completely defeated last decade.

By the time Marshall Carpenter’s father broke down the barricaded door of his son’s apartment and physically ripped him away from his electronic devices, the 25-year-old was in a bad way. 

"I'm coming son!" *kicks in door* Here's the product of my loins, covered in Mountain Dew and other far less wholesome fluids, entering hour 79 of a Wikipedia editing marathon.

“I was playing video games 14 or 15 hours a day, I had Netflix on a loop in the background, and any time there was the tiniest break in any of that, I would be playing a game on my phone or sending lonely texts to ex-girlfriends,” Carpenter says.

Horny as hell here, please send help. Well, back to pretending to be an elf. Here, let me turn on the Republican villain fantasy hour. Hey, flappy birds! Then it all collapsed, believe it or not.

We are sitting in a small, plain apartment in a nondescript condo complex in Redmond, Washington, on the outskirts of Seattle. Marshall shares the apartment with other men in their 20s, all of whom have recently emerged from a unique internet addiction rehab program called reSTART Life.

A program of physical culture, speaking only when spoken to, constant ridicule, wall-scaling and making sure the first and last words out of your sewer are "sir" should turn around the Generation with No Chest and get them back to serving proudly as important barcodes within the corporate grid.

“I was basically living on Dr Pepper, which is packed with caffeine and sugar."

Just in case you got confused by the name and thought it was a healthy prescription supplement, I guess.

"I would get weak from not eating but I would only notice it when I got so shaky I stopped being able to think and play well,” he adds.

All those "Game Overs" and "Restart from last checkpoint" were actually trying to warn me that I was slowly killing myself.

His new friends Charlie and Peter nod sagely. Charlie Bracke, 28, was suicidal and had lost his job when he realized his online gaming was totally out of control. He can’t remember a time in his life before he was not playing video games of some kind: he reckons he began when he was about four and was addicted by the age of nine.

The first game of Miss Pac-Man is free. Then see who comes back for more. Then I start charging.

For Peter, 31, who preferred to withhold his last name, the low came when he had been homeless for six months and was living in his car.

Time to plug the computer into the lighter port and keep on saving those fantasy worlds.

“I would stay in church parking lots and put sunshades up on the windows and spend all day in my car on my tablet device,” he says. He was addicted to internet porn, masturbating six to 10 times a day, to the point where he was bleeding but would continue.

What the hell? Yuck.

When he wasn’t doing that, he was so immersed in the fantasy battle game World of Warcraft that in his mind, he was no longer a person sitting at a screen, but an avatar: the bold dwarvish hero Tarokalas, “shooting guns and assassinating the enemy” as he ran through a Tolkien-esque virtual realm.

This subscription vidiot game is just like a complex and heavily layered Christian allegory. Welp, time to bash the bishop for the tenth time today.

And when he wasn’t doing that, he would read online news reports obsessively and exercise his political opinions and a hair-trigger temper in the comment section of The Economist, projecting himself pseudonymously as a swaggering blogger-cum-troll.

Maybe "cum-troll" wasn't the best word choice in light of some other details we were given.

“I was a virgin until I was 29. Then I had sex with a lap dancer at a strip club. That’s something I never thought I would do,” he says.

This is actually marginally less pathetic than the rest of your story, but who am I to decide what your own personal rock bottom is.

After completing the initial $25,000, 45-day residential stage at the main “campus” a few miles away, clients move into the cheaper, off-site secondary phase.

How a guy that was homeless and had destroyed his own genitals via the solitary vice was able to afford this remains a mystery. Special government scholarship programs?

Here they get to share a normal apartment, on the condition that they continue with psychotherapy, attend Alcoholics Anonymous-style 12-step meetings, search for work and avoid the internet for a minimum of six months. 

You're not allowed on the internet. Good luck with your job search.

Mostly they carry only flip phones and have to go to the library when they want to check email.

Think of it as technological methadone.

“I’m taking my life in six-month chunks at this stage. So far I haven’t relapsed into gaming and I’m feeling optimistic,” says Bracke.

Take it six months all at once, great advice for any addict.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.