Wednesday, December 28, 2016

News You Can't Use: Too Many Air Passengers Fly with Phony Support Pets, Critics Say

I think I'm going to re-purpose this as a travel blog in 2017, even though I never travel, ever, and most of what I do know about the subject was cobbled together from Youtube "truth" videos and Wesley Snipes films. Still, when it comes to getting on that silver bird, always bet on annoyance. First it was the add-on fees for basic services. Now, you can expect someone to bring aboard phony support pets, creating a barking and biting nightmare under the veneer of "this here hound helps partially control my compulsive novelty disorder."

With the holiday travel season now here, many air passengers are boarding the plane with service dogs and emotional support animals — a practice that critics say is open to fraud.

Honor system can be abused, cynics claim.

How do airlines know whether these pets are true service animals and not impostors wearing an official-looking vest bought online for $39.99? The answer is, they don't.

We'll irradiate and/or grope your bikini area all day, but no way we're doing thirty seconds of research to determine if the pit bull wearing a vest that says "Sar Vice Dawg, fo' real doe" is actually legitimately needed to provide emotional support.

While many of these animals are dogs, passengers have also gotten on board with birds, including a peacock, cats and other animals. 

For the last time, no one wants to see your peacock.

"I see more violations than legitimate use of service dogs in public. A drastic majority of what I've observed in airports is misuse of the service dog law," said Brian Skewis, executive officer of the California State Board of Guide Dogs for the Blind, the only state agency in the nation that regulates guide-dog schools and individual instructors.

All I see is pet related evil. I spend my days doing pull-ups and pointing guns at a mirror, fantasizing about my imminent revenge.

“The law is so ambiguous the airlines don’t know what side to come down on. Everyone is afraid of the ramifications of not allowing someone equal access,” Haneline said.

Clearly the solution is more laws and more impenetrable bureaucracy.

Deb Davis, community outreach manager for Paws with a Cause of Wayland, outside Grand Rapids, said it's easy to spot the impostor service dogs: those carried in a purse, or those that growl, bark or act aggressively. In other words, the pretenders often lack good public manners, she said.

The phony Lassie can be recognized by its aggressive behavior, slobbering and taste for human flesh.

"We know there is fraud because our clients see it very frequently when they travel," said Davis, whose nonprofit annually places about 65 trained dogs with people who have a disability.

Well, they don't actually see it, of course. Me and my terrible word choice.

But it is such a vexing problem that not even a committee of experts appointed by the U.S. Department of Transportation earlier this year could agree to a solution. It voted in November to discontinue discussions because further talks seemed unlikely to reach a consensus.

Let's us begin the "total and complete surrender because it was hard" vote. All in favor?

At one point, some committee members favored recognizing as service animals only dogs and miniature horses, which are the only animals covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act.

Sorry sir, your six-inch horse is covered. My mistake.


Like dogs, miniature horses can be trained to do work or perform tasks for people with disabilities, according to the ADA. 

It's a real thing, it's not funny so stop laughing.

A DOT spokesperson said the department is now considering rewriting the rules for service and emotional support animals on its own, but a timetable has not been set.

I'll do it later, okay?

Among the service and emotional support animals prohibited by Delta Air Lines, the largest carrier at Detroit Metro Airport, are hedgehogs and farm poultry such as chickens or turkeys.

Sorry Sonic, you didn't make the cut.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Saturday, December 24, 2016

News You Can't Use: 5,000-Year-Old Nativity Scene Found in Egypt

It might be time for the ACLU to take action against an Egypt that was still being tormented by demigods because we've found amazing evidence of a nativity scene from 3000 years before the event, you know, actually happened. This logic trap aside, the drawing itself is, shall we say, less than impressive, but that's not the sort of thing you put in click-bait titles, so here we are. One thing is clear, this story is an ink-blot held up to your ideas about religion and civilization so feel free to make whatever crazy conclusions you want because everyone involved clearly did.

Italian researchers have discovered what might be the oldest nativity scene ever found — 5,000-year-old rock art that depicts a star in the east, a newborn between parents and two animals.

Suffice it to say, get ready to deploy what's left of your imagination if you want to share in this incredible discovery.

The scene, painted in reddish-brown ochre, was found on the ceiling of a small cavity in the Egyptian Sahara desert, during an expedition to sites between the Nile valley and the Gilf Kebir Plateau.

Your blasted desert wasteland has some cavities, we're gonna have to drill. I also like how the author assumes we're familiar with the Gilf Kebir Plateau, because who isn't deeply interested in mapping out the various formations of an inhospitable strategic hour glass contents reserve.

"It's a very evocative scene which indeed resembles the Christmas nativity. But it predates it by some 3,000 years," geologist Marco Morelli, director of the Museum of Planetary Sciences in Prato, near Florence, Italy, told Seeker.

 We're about to lose our funding, so please play along with this nonsense.

Morelli found the cave drawing in 2005, but only now his team has decided to reveal the amazing find.

The reason for withholding this incredible discovery will be become clear when you actually see it.

 Seriously, look at this p.o.s.

"The discovery has several implications as it raises new questions on the iconography of one of the more powerful Christian symbols," Morelli said. 

I felt it was best to wait eleven years, until y'all were ready for this shocking revelation.

The scene features a man, a woman missing the head because of a painting detachment, and a baby.

Yeah. I guess.

"It could have been interpreted as a normal depiction of a family, with the baby between the parents, but other details make this drawing unique," Morelli said.

Before you come to the boring, correct conclusion please keep in mind I have a wife, two children and a mortgage and I'd kinda like to keep that plum job at the Museum of Planetary Sciences.

He noted the newborn is drawn slightly above, as if raising to the sky. Such position, with the baby not yet between the parents, would have meant a birth or a pregnancy.

It certainly doesn't represent the limitations of Neolithic art, that's for sure.

"As death was associated to Earth in contemporary rock art from the same area, it is likely that birth was linked to the sky," Morelli said.

I'm not saying it was aliens, but it was clearly aliens.

In the east, the Neolithic artist drawn what appears to be star.

I personally interpreted that smudge as an ancient Pac-man.

The researchers called the site the "Cave of the Parents."

It's better than "Cave of Please Don't Fire Me I'm Finding Stuff" although significantly less honest.

Komment Korner  

You are a Dork

Do you believe aliens might exist somewhere among our billion stars?... yes?... but you are 100% sure there is no god?... Idiot.

Please I need to hear you answer before I escape to my safe space. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. 

Chealsea Clinton was the result of a virgin Birth from Hillary Clinton because there is NO TRACE of Bills DNA in Chealsea 

Now I am confused, thanks gary

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

News You Can't Use: An Extreme Couponer is Attacked by a Furious Customer

There isn't a lot I miss about the nineties. Certainly not the absolutely slammin' junior anti-sex league and it's funky-fresh music videos and I suppose "extreme" everything would also fall into the category of memories that I'm glad were destroyed by the Russia soda. There was just something inherently insulting in pretending the same old garbage was suddenly edgy and dangerous (Jiff Peanut Butter...Extreme!!!!) to say nothing of the vomit-inducing imagery that generally accompanied such claims. Nevertheless, one "extreme" trend actually lived up to the hype and endured and I'm talking about coupon clipping junkies. Not everyone appreciates it, but such is the nature of "in your face" and "radical."

Megan Wilson claims a man yelled at her and called her a 'junkie' for taking too long at the Poplar Plaza Kroger in Memphis, Tennessee on Friday. 

I just want to get my intense-to-the-max Lunchables and hit the door, hurry up you no-good needle enthusiast!

She later took to Facebook, saying he grabbed the 'back of the head and smashed [her] face into the cart' after she accidentally spilled a drink on him.

It really is a war zone out there, fellow clippers. You gotta watch your back, there's plenty of aggressive jerks that don't want us to save that ten cents on used batteries.

But police released surveillance footage of the incident, and it appears as if Wilson purposefully dumped the contents of her drink on him. 

It's kind of like the movie Rashomon if the samurai were replaced with the worst Murrikan human beings available and then someone had a camera so there was no need to hash out the competing individual narratives.

Wilson posted a lengthy video on Facebook sharing her side of the story, and told WREG she spent 20 minutes with her special binder filled with coupons.

Everything I do takes super long, except shooting up.

She said: 'I do carry a binder with a filing system in it. And then I usually also have a duffle bag or a large purse-type bag that I carry full inserts and things like that in.' 

Your filing system is not the envy of corporate America.

Wilson said she was bothered by his words, and even said at one point: 'I really wanted to hurt the guy but, you know, he's three times my size.'

I want everyone to suffer, but you know, "reality."

While Wilson claims that she accidentally spilled her drink on the man as she was leaving the store, it appears she purposefully flung it at him.

As long as we record everything we should restore a basic level of civility a few days before the Sun becomes a massive Red Giant and devours our feeble, unimportant planet.

The man can then be seen moving towards her, although most of fight takes place outside the frame of the surveillance camera.

We need more cameras. A lot more.

She said: 'Everything kind of went black for a minute and when I came to, I was on the ground.

All the best days of my life summarized in one sentence.

'So I stumbled to get up and the floor was slippery because obviously when he hit me, my drink went everywhere.'

My deductive skills were not damaged in the altercation, clearly.

We gettin' Scrooge McDuck coupons.

Police say they are looking for the man for questioning after he drove off in a Ford F-150.   

We can add "horrible taste in vehicles" to the list of your crimes.

Komment Korner  

Couponers Lives Matter!

People like that are willfully ignoring the needs of other people. Happy Grinchmas!

Express lanes are BS. Most people disregard the items limit and usually there are too many people in it in the first place. Oh and my favorite scam-separating a cart full into separate orders.

No footage and what we do see is her clearly tossing her sticky beverage at the man.

After the tens thousands of customers I've come across, the extreme couponer can be, for the most part, a "special character". Self entitled, unapologetic, narcissistic. They are pros at the register, efficient and helpful to the cashier to get the transaction done quickly but if one thing goes wrong, if one coupon is rejected. Look out for b ! tch mode. Wish I was there to have seen this.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Saturday, December 10, 2016

DotTeeVee: Proposing To Elsa

What happens when a twig of a man with pattern baldness and general social incompetence decides it's a good idea to propose marriage to a young lady he doesn't even know? And did I mention the woman in question is portraying a Disney princess at the time? The short answer, obviously, is "lots of involuntary cringing, total failure" but we're here because we want the long answer. Besides, at least the amazing professionalism that will be displayed by "Princess Elsa" will restore some of the faith in humanity you'll lose thanks to our balding anti-hero.

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a social retardation machine.

We get off to a promising start as our scrawny shut-in approaches reasonable facsimiles of his favorite movie princesses and announces he's going to be celebrating something, earning the enthusiastic response from the royal sisters that Disney kayfabe demands. While this is happening we can note the slouching posture, noodle arms, glasses, terrible hairstyle and ragged hoodie on this piece of work. As we all know, wearing a hoodie, up to no goodie. I honestly feel a little bad piling on this guy like this (and we only just started!) but trust me, he deserves every bit of it.

He informs the live-action re-imaginings that he'll be getting married, "I hope." There is a time and a place for deploying your awesome hoping powers, but when it comes to Holy Matrimony there's a certain advantage to being reasonably certain of a successful outcome. Excellent life advice aside, the Hans Christian Andersen characters react with appropriately over-wrought joy. We're all rooting for you to beat the odds you pathetic rat of a man, honest we are.

 Let the entire kingdom celebrate!

It's time to veer into uncomfortable territory as he asks the one that isn't Elsa (I'm sure she has a name, but come on, I ain't looking it up) if she's eighteen. We're about one awkward step away from "I can't control my horny level" full-on creeping. Luckily this goof is so physically unimposing the ladies can play it off as a joke and go into this bit about how "Princesses never tell their age." I don't know if that's true or not, but it's fine improvisation when faced with a potential supreme gentleman. 

The way "Elsa" will stay in character, it's impressive. She's almost as good as this one dude at the Renaissance fair who acts amazed and/or terrified toward all modern technologies, gives historically accurate answers to every question that isn't dismissed as "witch/heretic speak," talks about retaking Constantinople and demonstrates flails and war hammers by smashing watermelons with them. 

Now that we've established that Elsa is the older sister and thus more likely to be past the age of consent it's time to take a knee and present the ring. When it comes to watching a man kneeling on my China box, I think I had a more positive reaction to Colin Kaepernick. Considering the circumstances, the Princesses do a decent job of hiding their obvious discomfort and disgust. Whatever Disney pays them, it should be a lot more. Imagine, for example, if store clerks were expected to be comically happy and deeply enthusiastic for every customer, while at the same time behaving in a special affected way that isn't their real personality. You probably can't imagine that, because it's what's waiting in Heaven.  

Can that funny snowman character show you out while you still have some remaining dignity?

The Snow Queen even cites events from the movie "Frozen" to back up the rejection, noting that she can't marry someone she "just met," even if that person is a handsome Prince for fictional Russia with the serial numbers filed off and not a hoodie-wearing degenerate. She even invites him to "hang out" in her fantasy kingdom sometime, but let's start with a super awkward picture, shall we? I'm talking double hover-hands. And, to be perfectly frank, there's enough separation that we might be seeing orbit hands. Good grief. Life has completely kicked your ass, dude. Let it go.

I'll stand behind you in cruciform, women love that.

An unseen woman announces this is also being video-taped, because this is clearly a moment you'll want to relive over and over. More beta body language, the decrepit light jacket has Mickey Moose on it...there's more but I'm through with this. Time to send us home smiling with the best YouTube comment section ever. I'm dead serious.

Komment Korner  

I couldn't watch the whole thing, this shit had me clutching my chest and grinding my teeth... oh fuck...

"are you 18" its a place for childred fgs. leave the creepy shit out you weird balding loser

General Hoverhands, reporting for duty.

Man, imagine having a job where you have to play along and be nice to these weirdo creeps.

yo why is everyon hatin yo this guys a boss yo keep up the good work yo i tried to fuck tinkerbell yo

Damn that elsa was smooth af being able to come up with that on the spot. GGWP.

make it stop, dear god

this is what 2pac was working on before he died

keep trying. maybe itll work next time. be sure to record it and upload it next time again so the whole world can see you!

Well, final commentator, we know that's not gonna happen. He clearly learned his lesson, right?


No God, no!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

News You Can't Use: US Airline to Charge Passengers Extra to use Overhead Lockers

It's time again for completely secular and unconnected to any traditions spend, gorge and travel season, and this, incredibly, means wasted money, gluttony and airplanes. Or so I'm told, anyway, I sure ain't moving away from my beepers and football box, that's for sure. For other individuals, or "losers" as I sometimes call them, getting on that flying tube is going to be even more unpleasant this year, something that, strictly speaking, shouldn't even be possible. Forget groping, radiation and being rejected for mile-up fornication, we've got a bigger problem. Overhead locker price gouging.

United Airlines, one of the world’s largest carriers, is facing fresh criticism over plans to charge passengers extra for the use of overhead lockers.

Aren't they out of business? No, you're thinking of one of a half-dozen other American tin-pushers that destroyed themselves in various fashions, like, hypothetically, going crazy with added charges.

The airline, which welcomed almost 139m passengers in 2015, will introduce a new “basic economy” fare in 2017. Those who opt for the cheapest ticket will be allowed to travel with a single small item of luggage, measuring no more than 9” x 10” x 17” (23cm x 25cm x 43cm), but they must place it under a seat and not in the overhead bins. 

The new "serf fare" includes luggage size restrictions, no lockers, and the "stews" are allowed to spit on you or trip you.

They will also be automatically allocated a seat on the day of departure, meaning passengers on the same ticket could be forced to sit apart.

On the other hand I saved four dollars, got a free radiation bath and TSA scumbags laughed at my small penis.

United claims the move, announced last month, does not amount to a new fee. Those who want to stow their hand luggage overhead can still do so if they choose the standard economy fare, it says.

Think of it as a new tax, because everyone loves those.

But those who choose the cheapest fare are unlikely to be making any savings. According to Reuters, basic economy fares “will be comparable to low fares it now charges for the economy cabin, but with more restrictions”.

I know, can you imagine?

Travellers reacted with anger over the decision, with some calling for a boycott of the airline, and now the outcry has reached US Congress.

Save us bloated, ineffectual and out-of-control big government!

There ought to be a law!

“It’s one of the most restrictive policies on airline passengers we have seen in a long time,” said Chuck Schumer, a New York Senator.

We'll legislate away capitalist practices we don't like, because that's our job.

“The overhead bin is one of the last sacred conveniences of air travel and the fact that United Airlines – and potentially others – plan to take that convenience away unless you pay up is really troubling."

Our inalienable right ordained by our Creator to stuff our junk into head-high bins. 

United is not the first airline to charge extra for carry-on luggage. Hungarian low-cost carrier Wizz, for example, permits passengers to carry a small item of luggage (25cm x 32cm x 42cm) for free, but charges for larger cabin bags (typically around £16 per flight). Those smaller bags can however, space permitting, be placed in overhead lockers.

Your best chance might be the old Magyar loophole, but read the fine print.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Sunday, December 4, 2016

News You Can't Use: Forest Phototrap Snaps a Naked Man High on LSD Who Thinks He is a Tiger

I'm sure all three of my regular readers will be thrilled to learn that I didn't get spirit cooked and the long absence was actually caused by a combination of technical issues with the old sex-box and blatant laziness. In any case, I'm back and better than ever (Disclaimer: not actually a true statement). And what better way to resume the mantle as the best source of Real News than with a story from Poland about some guy that took The Ticket, had a freak-out and was caught on camera frolicking naked in the forest? Kids, just say "no" to hallucinogens.

The man, identified only as Marek H, is believed to have been high on LSD after taking the psychedelic drug to treat his depression.

He is believed to have been high on LSD after taking LSD. Never change, semi-mainstream press, you're the best.

A phototrap caught a flash of the 21-year-old man running stark-naked on all fours through a forest in Poland.

If this doesn't finally lay to rest the remaining arguments about the need for cameras absolutely everywhere I don't know what will.

According to authorities, Marek, from the Czech Republic town of Liberec, discovered his “true personality” when he stripped naked and pretended to be a tiger.

When I said "be yourself" I wasn't suggesting you should take acid and become a human version of a Voltron leg, dudemar.

He explained how he believed he had become a Siberian tiger once the drug kicked in, which is when his “true personality woke up”.

It's possible, just possible, that getting blasted out of your mind on chemicals may lead to false ideas.

After mapping out his journey, cops realised the 21-year-old had travelled 25 kilometres (15.5miles) through forest which marks the Czech-Polish border in this way.

And this, class, is how the dope-head tiger refugee problem began in Europe.

At the time of his questioning, Marek did not have any drugs in his possession.

Being naked and all, that's probably a good thing.

In May this year, a man stripped naked and entered a lion enclosure in a Chilean zoo, prompting keepers to kill two lions.

Before there was Harambe there was this worthless moron in Chile.

The man, who was named locally as Franco Luis Ferrada Roman, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, and survived the incident.

Another highly uplifting tale about how we saved someone from their own idiocy.

After stripping and jumping down into the big cat enclosure, the lions pounced on him and began to “play” with the intruder, horrifying visitors.

I guess we were supposed to be talking about this naked Czech, but I get easily distracted by other vaguely related topics. Because I drink.

“It was from there that he jumped, took off his clothes and started to attract the lions.”

Another possibility for the opening sentence of the greatest novel ever written.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.