News You Can't Use: Forest Phototrap Snaps a Naked Man High on LSD Who Thinks He is a Tiger

I'm sure all three of my regular readers will be thrilled to learn that I didn't get spirit cooked and the long absence was actually caused by a combination of technical issues with the old sex-box and blatant laziness. In any case, I'm back and better than ever (Disclaimer: not actually a true statement). And what better way to resume the mantle as the best source of Real News than with a story from Poland about some guy that took The Ticket, had a freak-out and was caught on camera frolicking naked in the forest? Kids, just say "no" to hallucinogens.

The man, identified only as Marek H, is believed to have been high on LSD after taking the psychedelic drug to treat his depression.

He is believed to have been high on LSD after taking LSD. Never change, semi-mainstream press, you're the best.

A phototrap caught a flash of the 21-year-old man running stark-naked on all fours through a forest in Poland.

If this doesn't finally lay to rest the remaining arguments about the need for cameras absolutely everywhere I don't know what will.

According to authorities, Marek, from the Czech Republic town of Liberec, discovered his “true personality” when he stripped naked and pretended to be a tiger.

When I said "be yourself" I wasn't suggesting you should take acid and become a human version of a Voltron leg, dudemar.

He explained how he believed he had become a Siberian tiger once the drug kicked in, which is when his “true personality woke up”.

It's possible, just possible, that getting blasted out of your mind on chemicals may lead to false ideas.

After mapping out his journey, cops realised the 21-year-old had travelled 25 kilometres (15.5miles) through forest which marks the Czech-Polish border in this way.

And this, class, is how the dope-head tiger refugee problem began in Europe.

At the time of his questioning, Marek did not have any drugs in his possession.

Being naked and all, that's probably a good thing.

In May this year, a man stripped naked and entered a lion enclosure in a Chilean zoo, prompting keepers to kill two lions.

Before there was Harambe there was this worthless moron in Chile.

The man, who was named locally as Franco Luis Ferrada Roman, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, and survived the incident.

Another highly uplifting tale about how we saved someone from their own idiocy.

After stripping and jumping down into the big cat enclosure, the lions pounced on him and began to “play” with the intruder, horrifying visitors.

I guess we were supposed to be talking about this naked Czech, but I get easily distracted by other vaguely related topics. Because I drink.

“It was from there that he jumped, took off his clothes and started to attract the lions.”

Another possibility for the opening sentence of the greatest novel ever written.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Civilization V Countdown: #2 Poland

We're getting toward the end of the list and there won't be any lightweights from here on in, that's for sure. Today's topic is Poland, a civilization that for whatever reason hasn't been a major player in the Civilization series until Brave New World when they claimed a spot as one of the strongest choices. My list is all about that sweet subjectivity, of course, but even on a more legitimate "power ranking" I doubt many people would argue against putting them at #2. Well, those cranks that will argue anything, because manufactured drama is a lot of fun and a good use of my time would, but that's only like 70% of the internet, tops. As for me, no one will ever accuse me of forgetting Poland.

Why is Poland #2

Solidarity! This is, hands down, the most enjoyable unique ability of any civilization in the game. I love exploring the social policy tree, but dislike the fact that you generally open Tradition or Liberty, finish whichever you took, throw a few picks into one of the filler choices and then focus on Rationalism and your Ideology. Any other choice is sub-optimal and will likely lead to defeat on higher difficulties where this little room for error. Playing Poland solves this problem with free policies, allowing for some experimentation. Also top it off with some rather uninspiring horse-themed specials, but for me it's all about the chance to fill in aesthetics or try a hybrid opening or the many other little bonuses that open up, both providing strength and encouraging replay-ability. And, of course, Poland can into space.

Casimir III wields a scepter, has a formidable beard and my spellcheck thinks I was trying to type "similar." He's also the "Polish Justinian" a patron of the University system and an army reformer. He was killed while hunting, probably because they didn't have those orange vests in the 1300s.

He's also the Polish Henry VIII, fathering only daughters.

Most Memorable Game as Poland? 

Playing on "Emperor" for the first time I went with Poland and was able to play a four city turtle, not even fighting a war until a brief conflict in the modern era. I eventually won a space victory, beating several other nations that were also attempting it. After that I realized I could win on higher levels, shrugged my shoulders and went back to King without looking back. Honestly, what is the point of being forced to play one very specific strategy, over and over, and deal with the same inept AI that simply receives comical bonuses? The game has a better feel when there's actual room to make mistakes or suffer setbacks. I've even played games where I lost cities in war, couldn't get them back and kept playing. I know, crazy.

Not a flying toy.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.