I'm sure all three of my regular readers will be thrilled to learn that I didn't get spirit cooked and the long absence was actually caused by a combination of technical issues with the old sex-box and blatant laziness. In any case, I'm back and better than ever (Disclaimer: not actually a true statement). And what better way to resume the mantle as the best source of Real News than with a story from Poland about some guy that took The Ticket, had a freak-out and was caught on camera frolicking naked in the forest? Kids, just say "no" to hallucinogens.
The man, identified only as Marek H, is believed to have been high on LSD after taking the psychedelic drug to treat his depression.
He is believed to have been high on LSD after taking LSD. Never change, semi-mainstream press, you're the best.
A phototrap caught a flash of the 21-year-old man running stark-naked on all fours through a forest in Poland.
If this doesn't finally lay to rest the remaining arguments about the need for cameras absolutely everywhere I don't know what will.
According to authorities, Marek, from the Czech Republic town of Liberec, discovered his “true personality” when he stripped naked and pretended to be a tiger.
When I said "be yourself" I wasn't suggesting you should take acid and become a human version of a Voltron leg, dudemar.
He explained how he believed he had become a Siberian tiger once the drug kicked in, which is when his “true personality woke up”.
It's possible, just possible, that getting blasted out of your mind on chemicals may lead to false ideas.
After mapping out his journey, cops realised the 21-year-old had travelled 25 kilometres (15.5miles) through forest which marks the Czech-Polish border in this way.
And this, class, is how the dope-head tiger refugee problem began in Europe.
At the time of his questioning, Marek did not have any drugs in his possession.
Being naked and all, that's probably a good thing.
In May this year, a man stripped naked and entered a lion enclosure in a Chilean zoo, prompting keepers to kill two lions.
Before there was Harambe there was this worthless moron in Chile.
The man, who was named locally as Franco Luis Ferrada Roman, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, and survived the incident.
Another highly uplifting tale about how we saved someone from their own idiocy.
After stripping and jumping down into the big cat enclosure, the lions pounced on him and began to “play” with the intruder, horrifying visitors.
I guess we were supposed to be talking about this naked Czech, but I get easily distracted by other vaguely related topics. Because I drink.
“It was from there that he jumped, took off his clothes and started to attract the lions.”
Another possibility for the opening sentence of the greatest novel ever written.