Wednesday, October 29, 2014

News You Can't Use: Three Glasses of Milk a Day Linked to Earlier Death

Milk is for babies. When you're an adult, you drink booze. This is pretty common sense stuff, yet it may take another deeply flawed Swedish study to finally make some people realize they're human beings and not baby bovines. The truth is finally here about the deadly nature of multiple glasses of milk, with plenty of "maybes" and "coulds" to provide plausible deniability when it turns out this study is contradicted by several thousand other, better studies. Still, might want to stop that GOMAD before you lose your gains to premature death.

The humble pinta could be a danger to health and even increase the risk of dying prematurely, according to shocking new research.

Yes, that Spanish ship might be a health risk, especially if you have no immunity to common European diseases. Don't even get me started on the sexual side-effects and possibility of stroke linked to Santa Maria abuse.

Drinking a few half pint glasses of milk every day does nothing to lower the chance of suffering broken bones, the research says, and can make the risk of an early death more likely.

Oh, they meant "pints." Yeah. "Oy, Gubnor, how's 'bout a pint o' the wite?" That sort of thing.

The study leaders say further research is needed before any dietary changes are recommended.

"I made up all the data the day before it was due, so please don't ruin your life over this."

But they fear the effects of high levels of lactose and galactose found in milk are to blame.

I'm lactose intolerant and have unimaginable white-hot hate for galactose. I'd like to see it purged from the face of the earth for the good of the fructose Master Sugar.

These sugars can increase oxidative stress and chronic inflammation in the body – both of which are major causes of a host of killer and chronic diseases.

Takes sip of milk, bursts into flames.

The research was conducted at the department of surgical sciences at ­Uppsala University in Sweden.

And for the last time, no, they can't introduce you to the national bikini team.

Lead researcher Professor Karl Michaelsson said: “Our results may question the validity of recommendations to consume high amounts of milk to prevent fragility fractures.

His Viking ancestors than rose from the grave and tore him to pieces. 

“The results should, however, be interpreted cautiously given the observational design of our study.

"I have to publish to keep my job, so I rushed out this deeply flawed nonsense. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Professor Mary Schooling, of New York’s City University, said the new ­findings certainly raised fears about the potential harm of milk.

Could it be weaponized against the CHUDs and Disney mascots that plague our city? 

She said: “As milk consumption may rise globally with economic development and increasing consumption of animal source foods, the role of milk and mortality needs to be established now.”

Every single person that drank milk eventually died, so there's a clear link.

The Swedish team set out to examine whether high milk intake may increase oxidative stress, which, in turn, affects mortality and fracture risks.

Suffice it to say, this mission ended in total and humiliating failure.

Another Swedish team investigates the mortality and fracture risks of mixed drinks.

In contrast, a high intake of fermented milk products such as yoghurt was associated with lower rates of mortality and fracture, particularly in women. 

Let's be honest, fermentation improves just about anything.

“Individuals should still be encouraged to consume a balanced diet of which milk and dairy are key.”

Try using basic common's crazy enough to work.

Komment Korner  

Yet another inference from statistical manipulation. 


Drinking it makes no sense unless you just need it to sog up your GMO cornflakes.

The adverse affects of the milk are nullified if you eat 6 chocolate chip cookies with each glass of milk. They must be dunked until slightly soggy, and then swallowed without chewing.

There are documentaries that claim World War II never happened.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Choose Your Own Adventure #19: Secret of the Pyramids

Last time the Twist-a-Plot pain was delivered via a somewhat risible tale of the evils lurking behind the local news. Today it's back to Choose Your Own Adventure to check out a book that represents a major milestone in the development of this series. In 1983 the demand for wussy vehicles tales laden with far left ranting and space/time adventures that are obviously drug abuse metaphors had outstripped the ability for R.A Montgomery and Edward Packard to respectively supply them. This meant new authors would join the stable, with wildly varying results. Dismissing the mysterious D. Terman this is the first entry by someone other than the two founding fathers of this glorious empire.

The writer in question is Richard Brightfield, who we already got to know in a book all about sub-mission. Judging by that effort he shares R.A. Mongomery's fascination with impractical modes of transport and is deeply interested in various pseudo-sciences that have fallen out of favor. We're going to turn that loose in Egypt. I'm already dreading the inevitable "sand buggies" and "ley line intersections."

Alternate title: "Secret Agent for ISIS"

Like any great work of literary fiction it starts with chilling out at home, doing absolutely nothing because pretty much every piece of technology that now dominates day-to-day life had yet to be invented. I get a call from Uncle Bruce who just got back from Egypt and is planning to return soon. Offered an invite, I'm all over it, as opposed to the 2014 reaction which we would be "Naw, got these video games to play. 'Sides, that whole area is now dominated by a violent and nihilistic democracy gone mad. Smell you later." 

Instead, I'll smell him right now as we take an airplane to Rome, breezing through the non-existent security and taking several bottles of soda on the plane, or at least I would assume. I learn that my relative is working on a less than credible theory involving cosmic rays, big gaping holes under the pyramids and the dream of producing unlimited energy. Something tells me a lot of this guy's speeches start with "Is such a thing even possible?" and end with " was aliens!"

Meanwhile, some guy is craning to listen, but because airline paranoia isn't really a thing yet I dismiss this as meaningless. I also note he looks strange, but the tight Brightfield prose doesn't explain how, so I guess you could call this "Choose Your Own Superficial Prejudices." R.A. Montgomery would just declare him a midget and be done with it.

Please, share your unlimited energy via cosmic rays theories.

Arriving in Cairo (Egypt, not Illinois) my Uncle and I part ways so he can deal with "red tape." Finally something a modern audience can relate to. The otherwise undescribed strange man presses a piece of paper into my hand and then runs off. It says "Beware the Sphinx." Yeah, thanks for the tip. If I see that sucka I'll be sure to blast him in the center of the face with Napoleonic artillery, assuming someone hasn't done that already.  

I want some answers, or maybe an actual physical description of some sort, so I follow the man. We get your patented exotic locale cab chase that used to be common in popular entertainment before scenes of characters typing on keyboards replaced that as the go-to dramatic bridge. Then a push through a "thick crowd" and I spot the runner going into a cafe. Man, all these rich descriptions of Egypt, the author must have done tons of research and not just watched part of an Indiana Jones movie with the sound turned off or something similar.

Next we get belly dancers. I assume the scimitar-wielding fanatics, foul-tempered camels and nervous guides are still to come. I find a table and try to adjust my eyes to the poor light. I've got to find this stranger, because if I don't there's no way I can tell anyone else what to look for. "He was just strange, all right?"

Just depicting what's in the book, nothing gratuitous, no way.

I'm given super strong Egyptian coffee (Turkey, Egypt, same thing) and one of the dancers locks eyes with me, but I wreck it by immediately passing out. I wake up chained to a bed. I'm still in the same building and can hear the music coming from below. Yup, this is one amazing story about the Pyramids. Before anything even more freaky can occur one of the dancers frees me from the lock and helps me climb out the window. Yup, it's all going down in this tiny cafe. Casablanca would have been way better if light bondage, knock out pills and dancing girls with hearts of gold had been bigger plot elements, maybe replacing that French anthem scene.

Myself and the low-level sex industry employee make it out of the window and scurry over some rooftops, chased by unknown but bad-intentioned pursuers. We do the obligatory roof-to-roof jump and the exotic dancer has to drag me up to the next building, a scene lovingly depicted in a full page illustration. "Are all belly dancers as strong as you are?" I lamely ask. I'm told she was trained by acrobats and is probably only doing the hip-shaking to pay her way through community college. Or was kidnapped by a gang. It was one or the other. 

I really didn't think sex trafficking was going to be a thing in this book, but there it is. 

 Fans of fad workouts, hold on to your hats!

It turns out this entire quarter of Cairo is controlled by the belly dancer cartel, so escape is by no means certain. We finally make it out hidden in a donkey cart and after leaving the area part ways. Morning finds me in some cemetery and after a pointless freak-out I'm reunited with my Uncle and share the amazing story of erotic slavery, chain kink and the physical benefits of acrobatics. Suffice it to say, I'm on the next flight back to New York. I guess all those questions about space energy and the dangerous Sphinx will have to go unanswered.

I'll concede that this book overcame considerable limitations (i.e. the author being a lazy hack) to rise to the level of acceptable mediocrity. I don't think it will win any awards for originality or descriptive prose, but the story I got was decent enough. Besides, there was belly dancing slavery. There will always be that.

I've had it know what, just forget it.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

News You Can't Use: Government Waste Includes Swedish Massages for Rabbits, Monkey Gambling Lessons

How would you like to hear about massive government waste involving your tax dollars? I know, the Big Game is on soon and thinking causes physical pain and sexual side-effects, but in this case I promise it will be worth it. We're talking gambling monkeys, rabbits that live in the lap of decadent luxury and some Republican trapped on the wrong side of history trying to get someone, anyone, to actually care about this appalling misappropriation. Yes, this should be the new youth fad. "Hey dawg, let's rap about the appropriation of federal funds. Totally rad! Twenty-three skiddoo!"

More than a dozen lucky rabbits were given Swedish massages four times a day, courtesy of U.S. taxpayers, as part of a study to figure out whether massage can help recovery times after strenuous exercise — a practice Sen. Tom Coburn says makes a mockery of federal spending.

I can see giving tax dollars to "moderate" terrorists or blimp attack defense domes, but I didn't get all those automatic pay check deductions so Bugs Bunny can get endless deep tissue stimulation! Basic research, the oldest con game in the book.

The rabbit massages are one of the hundred wasteful products Mr. Coburn, an Oklahoma Republican, identified in his latest edition of the Wastebook, an annual compendium of the ridiculous and outrageous items in government spending, which he is releasing on Wednesday.

On Wastebook you post pictures of yourself achieving nothing of any value, sometimes paired with self-congratulatory text updates. So it's just like that other one.

Every year this guy lists the outrages and nothing ever changes. We need to start caring about PEOPLE, man. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna fall off this bar stool, stagger home and beat my family savagely.

Other highlights included the National Science Foundation paying academics to teach monkeys to gamble

"No, Chin Chin! You don't split up two tens!!!

A first-person combat shooting video game the Army developed — but which intelligence officials fear terrorists could use to train their own recruits.

I don't want to alarm you, but the terrorists may have access to video games. Seriously, what is this? I always assumed terrorists trainees (complete with special little name tags) just watch endless episodes of "Jersey Shore," "Teen Mom" and "Real Housewives" until the proper hatred for the American Satan has been instilled.

Indeed, Hezbollah has adapted the game’s design to train suicide martyrs.

"Pretend the dots are innocent people and the ghosts represent enemy soldiers."

Mr. Coburn’s investigators also found scientists putting mountain lions, monkeys, rats and cows on treadmills.

Our national mountain lion obesity problem is deeply troubling. This is the way forward.

In the case of the rabbits, they weren’t put on treadmills but were forced to exercise in order to create stress.

"Get off that treadmill, Thumper! What do you think you are, a cow or something?"


Taxpayers paid $387,000 for the two-year study, which concluded that other studies were right, and massage seemed to help in recovery — though it wasn’t clear that rabbit physiology could be extrapolated to humans. The rabbits were euthanized at the end of the study, Mr. Coburn’s report says.

It's funny that in the rush to get all scandalized over the sweet life of these jumping vermin we kind of glossed over the whole "euthanized" thing. 

Komment Korner  

The country fell short by roughly 536 impeachment hearings that year.

Who Is John Galt?

Next time Sen. Coburn needs life saving modern medial care, maybe he should decline as it is almost certainly grounded in basic research that, since he has no expertise or ability to put in context, he'd declare was a waste of taxpayers money when it was performed.

You've got to pass what's in the cupboard before you can see what's in the cupboard

Barbara, I think you're falling for a classic Tom Coburn misdirection.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, October 17, 2014

DotTeeVee: Mike Mentzer with Nantucket Nautilus Rock Video

Today's video is the sort of thing that I would want to survive civilization's collapse and remain as a testament of "This is who we were" to whatever intelligence discovers the ruins of humanity. It represents the cultural, spiritual, and yes, physical pinnacle of the thumbed ape. I'm talking a rocking AC/DC song, a man that will never dunk a basketball but has still managed to become a more compact version of a Greek statue and the magic that happens when they combine to answer the "What would happen if a sawed-off bodybuilder was on stage with a glorified garage band" question that I was forced to carry like an impossible burden until the weight was lifted by the glorious light of this 2 minute and 54 second video that's not available in anything resembling high definition.

Without even so much as the usual "Are you ready to rock?" or "1-2-3-4!" preliminaries we get right to awesome power chords combined with state of the art 1980 effects. I'm not sure why they even bothered, because this journey into vision ends after a few seconds, but I guess it could be used at LSD fantasy camp or something. "This, campers, is the sort of visual hallucinations you might have if you were to actually go to this wonderful dreamworld that you must never experience because it's bad for society. Now let's all pretend this spoonful of sugar is The Ticket."

 Everything is like, so significant.

The simulated acid test is quickly replaced by a better image of "Nantucket Nautilus." The name might call to mind limericks and sea shells, but the actual human resources of the group are unfortunately caught in the uncanny valley between the seventies and eighties. Half of them look like failed applicants for Poison and the other half resemble rejects from CCR. It's a little jarring, to say the least. The singer is bouncing around and clapping, the band is rocking and it looks like this will be little more than an embarrassing VHS tape labelled "My Band" that you might find in your Grandpa's basement.   

All is not what it seems though, because after some obligatory shots of rocking out we abruptly cut to a shirtless man who is well south of six feet tall and jacked up beyond all belief. His demeanor is confused confidence, his facial hair is something out of classic "R Rated" movies and I'm forced to wonder what cosmic force led to this chocolate bar of thick, solid and also tight ending up in the peanut butter jar of righteous cock rock. Calling the sum greater than the total of its parts seems an almost criminal understatement. It's like we added 2+2 and somehow got 17,454,484,004.  

I woke up in a strange place, hung over on too much creatine. 

The five feet nothing of sculpted ivory actually flicks the hair on one of the band members, seemingly barely controlling his Napoleon Syndrome and Gear fueled aggression. It's like the room was booked for both the man who actually lifts and the not quite eighties rockers at the same time by accident and the guy was all, "Hey, you can still both do your thing, there's plenty of room." Seriously, Mr. Mentzer has the demeanor of someone who expected a private area to pose in, didn't get his way and is now protesting in the most passive aggressive ways possible in between trying to pretend he really is the only one there. It's not the sort of thing you see everyday, suffice it to say.

Doo, doo, doo, looking at his backdoor.

Meanwhile the poor man's AC/DC doesn't seem unduly bothered by the presence of a nearly naked man of below average height and far above average definition and striation. When he messes with the keyboard player, the guy barely seems phased. Then again, the Casio guy is the absolute dregs of the world of heavy rock and is probably used to being treated poorly by his own fellow musicians, let alone someone who keeps a detailed diary of his protein intake.  

Speaking of AC/DC, is anyone else depressed by the news of guitarist Malcolm Young leaving due to dementia? I mean, I can remember the days when they were relatively young and rebellious and now they're getting Alzheimer's and probably falling in tubs or having cardiac incidents while sawing wood. It just doesn't seem right. Can we get back to talking about lifting super heavy, please?

The bodybuilder keeps messing with the singer's hair. Someone might claim there's something less than 100% hetero going on here, but not me. Besides, this cover version is awesome, complete with an added "Lord!" by the singer after the line about getting beat up, as if he can hardly believe that being in a band might get you physically assaulted.

Possibly by a roid-raging manlet. Just hypothetically speaking.

 Maybe next time pair this guy with a Judas Priest tribute band.

The lyric "It's harder than it looks!" takes on new, unfortunate connotations with a shredded man in bikini briefs dominated the shot. We finally get the actual posing and the same part of me that wants to believe in pro wrestling and the promises made by our president also wants to believe that this guy wasn't regularly shoving foot-long syringes directly into the buttocks. Fortunately, these issues are swept away by some awesome soloing. Yeah, this combination just somehow works. If only they had a local shit band play "She's Got the Jack" after every Barry Bonds dinger he never would have been suspected. 

I also like to pretend that keyboardists and bassists actually contribute to a band's sound.

While I experience the aural equivalent of the double jackpot my eyes are attacked by alternating shots of horrible feathered hair and gigantic traps, tris and delts. Overall, it evens out. For reasons unknown (STEROIDS!!!!) the muscleman takes the chauffeur's hat (I've got to go work my other job right after this gig!) of one of the band members and starts wearing it. There's probably deep symbolism here, but for an AC/DC audience that needs to have songs like "Sink the Pink" explained to them it's probably a lost cause to try something more subtle.

We finally get a good look at the drummer and let's just say steroids aren't the only needle drug being used around here.

Looking good!

More posing and more rocking! Someone needs to make a six hour loop of this, seriously. You'd think it would get old, but it doesn't. Suddenly, just when it looks like smooth sailing to the finish the singer gets sick of being touched by a man who keeps badly damaged issues of "Muscle and Fitness" under his bed and shoves him away! Faced with this shocking and unexpected defeat at the hands of someone who probably doesn't even know what a "fly" is, let alone regularly perform them, our diminutive hero decides the answer is to up the amount of gay manly toughness by appropriating some sunglasses from another, less truculent musician. 

The end result would not be out of place in the Village People. 

  The average person's mental image of "bodybuilder."

A guy who looks a lot like Meatloaf is just totally rocking out. This video is like the roof of the Sistine Chapel, both in being glorious divine art and in containing countless small details. And just like that, it ends. The song isn't finished, it just cuts off, as if recognizing that a critical mass has been reached and anything more might actually be too much to handle. 

Komment Korner  

If we can send a man to the moon, we can figure out how to make a music video this awesome.  OBJECTIVELY!

My gaydar just detonated, destroyed a 747, blew a hole in the ozone and took out a few planets for good measure.  Damn.

He was high on mogadons.

the real TERMINATOR!

Hey guys. Fabulous clip. My good friend used to be a fatty. He revolutionized his body from 283 lbs of pure fat into 216lbs of massive muscle mass. That shit was outrageous! I just registered personally coz I wish to boost my body shape. He made use of the Muscle Building Bible (Look in Google)...

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

News You Can't Use: Professional Clown Club Attacks 'American Horror Story' Over Murderous Character

I really didn't plan this seemingly endless series of killer clown articles, but here we are anyway. Fudging lack of other amusing things to talk about, how does it work? You'd think New York would be good for a "Giant Bedbug Devours Family" or "Costumed Characters Formally Recognized as PAC" story but there's only silence. Instead, we are forced to examine the image problems that professional clowns labor under and why the moron box might be playing into these misconceptions about how horribly creepy they are; misconceptions that certainly have no basis in objective reality.

Real clowns see nothing funny about their depiction in American Horror Story: Freak Show.

I don't pretend to be an expert on them crazy moving pictures coming from the drool tube, but I'm almost certain something called a "Horror Story" is not a comedy.

The FX series from Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk revolves around Twisty the Clown (John Carroll Lynch), a serial killer who stalks couples with scissors and imprisons children in an old school bus.

Filmed in "Psychologically Healthy-O-Vision." Boy, can't wait to watch the next episode of scissors killer! Hope some kids get imprisoned, possibly in a semi-ironic fashion!

"Hollywood makes money sensationalizing the norm," bemoans Glenn Kohlberger, president of Clowns of America International, the nation’s biggest clown club. "They can take any situation no matter how good or pure and turn it into a nightmare."

The world's biggest clown club. I guess the joke about "I thought that title was held by the Republican and/or Democrat Party!" would go here. Hopefully they'll be some chances for obvious "clown college" wit later on.

I don't really see anything good or pure in walking human nightmares, but I guess we still have limited freedoms to make statements like this.

With membership in the organization dwindling — its aging base is made up of 2,500 clowns, down from 3,500 in 2004

Clearly "Republican" was the correct selection for that earlier obvious joke, in light of this new information.

Kohlberger, whose big-shoed alter ego is Clyde D. Scope, takes a hard-line stance against characters like Twisty.

"I just make children scream and cry, I've never imprisoned any in a school bus, let alone that scissor stuff."

"We do not support in any way, shape or form any medium that sensationalizes or adds to coulrophobia or 'clown fear,' " Kohlberger says.

Check your non-grease painted face privilege.

Clowns' enduring image problem reaches back centuries. In "Hop-Frog," an 1849 short story by Edgar Allen Poe, the title character, a vengeful dwarf jester, dresses up the king and members of the royal court in flammable orangutan costumes, them sets them ablaze during a costume parade.

Yeah, the old vengeful jester and flammable orangutan costume plot that Hollywood keeps recycling when they're not trampling the good and beautiful under foot.

In the 1892 opera Pagliacci, a jealous clown murders his wife and her lover with a knife.

Also known as "Every Opera, Ever."

A scene involving a possessed clown doll in 1982’s Poltergeist would keep an entire generation of children awake at night.

Back when poor television reception could be used to drive the plot.

While clowning in its purest form lives on in traveling circuses like Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey and the nearly 20 productions of Cirque du Soleil spanning the globe, its evil counterpart thrives in popular culture.

I'd hate to see the purity of this great cultural touchstone destroyed by eighties horror, eye-talian singing plays and some dopehead poet.

Killer-clown mazes are mainstays at Halloween attractions like Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights, where visitors this year will be assaulted by chainsaw-wielding Bozos in "Clowns 3D."

We can simulate all your primal fears for a reasonable fee.

In recent weeks, in the California towns of Bakersfield, Wasco and Delano, sightings have poured in of menacing clowns lurking after dark, some holding weapons like machetes, baseball bats and, according to one report, a firearm.

I guess there's some virus or something in Texas and maybe a few issues in the Middle East, but this right here is what's really going on.

“There’s a natural phobia of clowns,” Sgt. Joe Grubbs of the Bakersfield Police Department said.

This is definitely the most truthful statement this man will ever make.

Series co-creator Ryan Murphy told THR he fears home invasions over clowns. "I'm much more afraid of Bloody Face [from Asylum] and Rubber Man [from Murder House],"  Murphy said, adding that the origin of Twisty, whose frightful mask resembles an exposed skull, will be revealed in the fourth episode.

Maybe I'm not a huge horror fan but it sounds like he's making stuff up to avoid copyright issues or something. Man, I'm really afraid of Hockey Goal Keeper [from Unlucky Friday] and Sweater Man [from Bad Dream Street].

"There's a big story that explains the clown and what he's doing that's based on an urban myth we uncovered," Murphy said. "Our take is very unusual."

He's the first psycho powered by a mix of pop rocks and cola.

“Clowns to killers,” he says. “I choose not to play into any of it. The more attention we give it just gives it more fuel.”

"I take back all the power I've given you cable television!" *turns back, HBO vanishes in puff of smoke*

Full Story.

Komment Korner

99% of kids turn out fine when they grow up

No I Freaken didn't Blue they where older,they're 20-30 I have 5 do the math. 

She chose the high road by ignoring those patronising remarks

Then they're pretty damn wussy teenagers.

Dianewe...Ignore these people

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

News You Can't Use: California Police Field Reports of Creepy Clowns

Is there even a single person who finds clowns amusing or entertaining? Is there someone, somewhere who looks at one of these living nightmares that have somehow entered the waking world and has a positive reaction? I doubt it. Since we're coming up on Halloween and the three televisions that act as my mentors and sole conduit to the outside world tell me that people like getting scared, let's examine a story of criminal clowns. If you can handle that redundancy.

Reports of creepy clowns carrying knives and other weapons have been scaring people in the California city of Bakersfield for the past week, police said on Sunday.

California, am I right? Come down from orbit and land, Golden State. First you give us hippies, Charlie Manson and PG-13 rated movies, now this nonsense.

In the latest incident, a person telephoned the Bakersfield Police Department on Saturday night, reporting a clown armed with a firearm, said watch commander Lieutenant Jason Matson.

"We've been having sightings all over the city," Matson said. "They range from anywhere from a guy carrying a gun to a guy carrying a knife running up to houses."

The massive "guy" crime wave continues.

The Bakersfield Californian newspaper reported earlier in the week that at least some of the reports were hoaxes.

It takes a discerning eye and logical temperament to determine when Stabby the Clown's running up on your house attack is a clear and present danger and not just a hoax that is emblemic of our profound spiritual sickness.

At least one of the reports was not a hoax - police arrested a teen on Friday who had dressed up as a clown and was chasing children on the west side of town, Matson said. The juvenile, whose name was not released, said he was doing it to perpetrate a hoax he had seen online.

This one wasn't a hoax! Criminal: "I was imitating a hoax." Sigh.

He was arrested on suspicion of annoying a minor and booked into the Kern County Juvenile Hall, Bakersfield police said in a news release.

"You're gonna shut and buy me Murder Simulator Part 12 Mom, or I'll have you jailed for annoying a minor!"

I knew I shouldn't have wasted all my rockets on the medical marijuana level.

A child who had been chased "was clearly scared," the release said.

Well kid, your sense of fear is working fine.

Komment Korner  

I hope they don't create a law against annoying my wife. I will never get out of jail.

It was just a meeting of top democrat leaders in the state.

If annoying a minor is a crime, can we lock up minors for being annoying?

The liberal school systems have created much mental disorder in our children with their insane programs.

California is full of sicko perverts!

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

News You Can't Use: Young Gamblers Want Skill With Their Slot Machines

Hi Lucky, how would you like to bet some federal reserve magic on "Red?" Of course you would. But oh no, you're young and therefore full of wisdom and exciting new ideas that definitely need to be implemented immediately because stupid old tradition is, by definition, bad. For the nothing generation the thrill of wagering against probabilities stacked against you simply isn't enough. There must be skill, the thrill of the hunt, the bleep bloop of the video game. Fortunately, Friend Casino is prepared to cater to your unique pathology.

With the gambling industry anxious to attract younger players, some slot machine makers are looking to challenge the generation raised on video games.

More like raised by video games, am I right? Can't wait to play that "Mass Effect" slot machine where you can romance various alien organisms in between losing all your rent money.

Players in the United Kingdom will soon get a chance to make real wagers after sinking a battleship, knocking a character off a perch, or playing a word worth a triple-word score.

It's time like this I'm sad that the course of human events caused us to sever ties with our "friends" across the Atlantic. Just think, we could be playing "Sink the Arizona!" or "Knock the Chav off the Porch" or "Scrabble" in our casinos.

In Mexico City, Merkur Gaming is testing a slot machine that has players sit inside a cozy, futuristic-looking orb much like sensory heavy arcade video games.

Get into this orb. Wager. You're going to love it.

It's all part of a push to offer more skill-based, social games to attract younger players while retaining more traditional games for women in their 50s and 60s — the most lucrative players.

So all those "Matlock" machines aren't going anywhere.

For them, the allure of slot machines has been simple. Pull the handle or press a button, hear lots of noise and watch excitedly as the reels come to a stop, often so close to a big win that players can't wait to try again.

I think we can all agree that variant response conditioning rules.

At a recent convention of casino game makers in Las Vegas, Edvard Toth, studio head for California-based Gamblit Gaming, sat in front of a four-sided touch-screen table showing how a flick of his finger could launch a virtual slingshot sending a puppy clad in a police uniform flying toward a zombie cat.

You definitely want to get in on the ground floor of the coming "Police Puppies vs. Feline Ghouls" trend that will soon be sweeping our nation.

"This is a slot machine that doesn't look like a slot machine," he said.

Paradoxes such as this one mean big money for you and your criminal syndicate and/or tribal nation.

To meet regulatory rules, the new titles must be as much a game of chance as a traditional slot machine — a requirement that makes it difficult to design a game that includes an element of skill.

I'm down two grand...but I've been so accurate shooting officer puppy at the undead cats...what's going on here???

In the case of Gamblit games, mastering one of the more skilled challenges doesn't win a bet but instead triggers the spin of a reel or wheel, or a roll of dice for a chance at real money.

Before you even get a shot at the rigged game you'll have to clear some hurdles. This is so hip and with it, the young generation refreshing the Earth, man.

What's Hot: Tropical insanity, shooting a cannon at the Sphinx and disco.

Slot machine makers have tried to insert skilled games into traditional slot machines before, Toth said. But it's akin to sticking a slot machine inside the classic video game "Call of Duty" and expecting his grandmother to like it, he said.

You just know that dated reference was probably even worse before the editor fixed it a bit. Probably "Pac Man" or "Space Invaders."

The company is licensed in Nevada but will still need regulators to sign off on the technical side of its games once if it gets a U.S. casino order.

Regulators. We regulate the technical side of pitch the dog games. We're damn good, too. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta by handy at realizing "Call of Duty" isn't the hot new game anymore, earn your keep.

With that in mind, makers of more traditional slot machines are offering models with themes incorporating reality TV shows, 1970s superheroes and 1990s sitcom characters.

Match three similar pieces of pop culture vomit and win big prizes!

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Just like in the movie 'Wargames' , the only way to win is not to play the game.

I predict failure.

I'm 35 and have done some online gambling, I don't trust it.

Kids gambled on a brown guy with a silly Star Wars name, and our country lost.

Then, after my father died, I learned my mother was gambling at a local casino. 

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Author Interview at BTS

Do you recall how your interest in writing originated?

When I found out that radiation will actually kill you instead of giving you super powers, most lawyers are significantly less awesome than Perry Mason or even Matlock and your typical professional baseball player didn’t go 0 for 30 in Little League competition. I was twelve.

I write to clean out my mind. It’s cluttered with story ideas and if I’m going to get any conventional thinking done I’ve got to evict them. Once it’s been written, I can stop obsessing over it.

What was the hardest part of writing your book?

Trying to come up with new and exciting ways to describe cups of coffee and their contents. Battling the auto-format when “Word” decides there’s not going to be a space there, my own opinion notwithstanding. Fixing the endless “their/there” mistakes.

To be a little more sincere, I think the most difficult part is consistency, especially on days when I’ve decided to write but the blood-soaked gray just isn’t offering up anything good. Some days are a lot better than others.

The occasional “drink break” doesn’t hurt, either.

Read the full interview here.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

News You Can't Use: Federal Workers Get Handcuffed Over Porn Problem

Federal workers truly are the heroes of our time. Their ability to perform consistently at a level well below the minimal standards of private industry combined with their well-earned sense of superiority and entitlement inspire us all. Forget being an athlete or having a Youtube channel where you play a video game while exhaling into a microphone like Darth Vader's loser younger brother, the new dream is to become one of the federal employees who do work so valuable it can't even be explained or documented. In between bouts of internet voyeurism, that is.

There is now legislation, authored by Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) that would ban employees from looking at porn during work.

The Republican war on women continues. I guess. Come on, use your imagination!

Though it sounds random, it's not.

Actually, it didn't seem that way. What I saw were correctly spelled words formed into mostly coherent sentences. I think we can rule out random mutation, erosion or punctuated equilibrium as explanations. Clearly this is semi-intelligent design.

Earlier this year, a top official at the Environmental Protection Agency was busted for watching porn—lots of porn—on his government-issued computer during work.

A little ironic that someone dedicated to talking down suicidal polar bears and saving the walrus was also so dedicated to self-pollution.

Federal investigators found out that the employee had downloaded at least 7,000 files of pornography and logged between two and six hours of porn watching a day since 2010.

Here's where probably about half the people reading this shrug and say to themselves "Yeah? Sounds like normal behavior to me."

Although this incident was the subject of a heated congressional hearing—the official received little more than a slap on the wrist.

And since said wrist was well toned from repeated "exercise" it hurt even less.

"How much pornography would it take for an EPA employee to lose their job?" House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-CA) asked at the hearing in May.

Better ask Mr. Owl.

Apparently more than 7,000 files—since this EPA official is still on the job and collecting a hefty paycheck, according to Environment and Energy Publishing.

Yes, this venal piece of garbage is receiving tax-payer money to view satanic evil in his make-work job. Just thought you should know.

In fact, the Oversight and Government Reform Committee says the employee, who is a GS-14 staffer earning between $106,000 and $139,000 had also been receiving performance awards during this time period.

If you're halfway through that unpaid internship you might want to stop reading now before your head explodes from concentrated righteous indignation.

Earlier this year, a Federal Communications Commission employee was caught watching up to eight hours of porn each week at work, the Washington Examiner reported. His reason, according to auditors was that "he often does not have enough work to do and has free time."

Well, if you have time to lean you have time to clean. And I'm not referring to cleaning up yourself after viewing electronic erotica.

Though most agencies like the EPA have guidelines against this type of behavior at work, Meadows says they aren't doing a good enough job enforcing them. That's where his bill comes in—he added that his bill would cover other inappropriate uses of time as well.

Apparently "do your job or get fired" has absolutely no meaning in today's world. Thus, we need special laws.

I also bash the bishop while on the clock.

"It's not just casual porn viewing, but hours and hours of unproductive time doing things we shouldn't be condoning."

I mean, I'm okay with some casual viewing of extreme femdom humiliation videos and so on. This isn't a monastery or something. 

There seems to be a need to reinforce agency rules that might be in place, but not enforced," Meadows told The Washington Post.

Naw, let's just add more rules that will be ignored.

Komment Korner  

Taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for their pervertedness. Prosecute these criminals!

Performance bonus?? I don't wanna know.

I'm surprise no one mention - freedom of speech for watching porn

the real porn is watching congress go on vacation while the nation is engaged in war

They might as well just tell the SEC employees to stay home.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.