News You Can't Use: Three Glasses of Milk a Day Linked to Earlier Death

Milk is for babies. When you're an adult, you drink booze. This is pretty common sense stuff, yet it may take another deeply flawed Swedish study to finally make some people realize they're human beings and not baby bovines. The truth is finally here about the deadly nature of multiple glasses of milk, with plenty of "maybes" and "coulds" to provide plausible deniability when it turns out this study is contradicted by several thousand other, better studies. Still, might want to stop that GOMAD before you lose your gains to premature death.

The humble pinta could be a danger to health and even increase the risk of dying prematurely, according to shocking new research.

Yes, that Spanish ship might be a health risk, especially if you have no immunity to common European diseases. Don't even get me started on the sexual side-effects and possibility of stroke linked to Santa Maria abuse.

Drinking a few half pint glasses of milk every day does nothing to lower the chance of suffering broken bones, the research says, and can make the risk of an early death more likely.

Oh, they meant "pints." Yeah. "Oy, Gubnor, how's 'bout a pint o' the wite?" That sort of thing.

The study leaders say further research is needed before any dietary changes are recommended.

"I made up all the data the day before it was due, so please don't ruin your life over this."

But they fear the effects of high levels of lactose and galactose found in milk are to blame.

I'm lactose intolerant and have unimaginable white-hot hate for galactose. I'd like to see it purged from the face of the earth for the good of the fructose Master Sugar.

These sugars can increase oxidative stress and chronic inflammation in the body – both of which are major causes of a host of killer and chronic diseases.

Takes sip of milk, bursts into flames.

The research was conducted at the department of surgical sciences at ­Uppsala University in Sweden.

And for the last time, no, they can't introduce you to the national bikini team.

Lead researcher Professor Karl Michaelsson said: “Our results may question the validity of recommendations to consume high amounts of milk to prevent fragility fractures.

His Viking ancestors than rose from the grave and tore him to pieces. 

“The results should, however, be interpreted cautiously given the observational design of our study.

"I have to publish to keep my job, so I rushed out this deeply flawed nonsense. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused."

Professor Mary Schooling, of New York’s City University, said the new ­findings certainly raised fears about the potential harm of milk.

Could it be weaponized against the CHUDs and Disney mascots that plague our city? 

She said: “As milk consumption may rise globally with economic development and increasing consumption of animal source foods, the role of milk and mortality needs to be established now.”

Every single person that drank milk eventually died, so there's a clear link.

The Swedish team set out to examine whether high milk intake may increase oxidative stress, which, in turn, affects mortality and fracture risks.

Suffice it to say, this mission ended in total and humiliating failure.

Another Swedish team investigates the mortality and fracture risks of mixed drinks.

In contrast, a high intake of fermented milk products such as yoghurt was associated with lower rates of mortality and fracture, particularly in women. 

Let's be honest, fermentation improves just about anything.

“Individuals should still be encouraged to consume a balanced diet of which milk and dairy are key.”

Try using basic common sense...it's crazy enough to work.

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Komment Korner  

Yet another inference from statistical manipulation. 

NEXT WEEK THEY ARE GOING TO TELL YOU GATORADE IS THE DRINK PLANTS CRAVE.

Drinking it makes no sense unless you just need it to sog up your GMO cornflakes.

The adverse affects of the milk are nullified if you eat 6 chocolate chip cookies with each glass of milk. They must be dunked until slightly soggy, and then swallowed without chewing.

There are documentaries that claim World War II never happened.

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