Sunday, November 2, 2014

News You Can't Use: Man in Fox News Costume Beaten in California

Another celebration of the end of harvest season and the beginning of druid human sacrifice season has come and gone, offering the usual lessons. We got far more creepy clown stories than were strictly needed, combined with the yearly tradition of gelded PG-13 horror films. Yup, pretty typical stuff. That is until someone decided to dress up as a reporter for the Pure Evil I Hate You Mom and Dad Network and caught an All Hallow's Eve beat-down.

A California man dressed as a Fox News reporter was violently assaulted in the left-wing haven of Santa Cruz, California during the annual Halloween parade this weekend.

When clever irony goes horribly wrong. No one can tell if you're serious or not anymore, so we'll just assume the worst and attack.

A 29-year-old man, Scott Kory, allegedly shouted "I hate Fox News!" before grabbing the victim's microphone, making an obscene gesture with it, and beating him with an aluminum tennis racket.

I'd love to read the police report on this one. "Suspect pretended the stolen microphone was a marital aid and then realized the full violence potential of his Rafael Nadal costume."

Kory is described by the Contra Costa Times as "a dreadlocked Santa Cruz resident."

Central casting provides a human unit bad enough to attack an ersatz reporter from the only network news anywhere near the center of the political spectrum. I'm assuming "unwashed," drug addicted," and "totally incoherent" would also apply to our anti-hair care friend.

He was arrested and booked into the county jail on Friday evening. The victim of the attack was reportedly uninjured.

I thought I could just randomly batter people that offend my delicate communist sensibilities, but the stupid old rule of law wrecked everything.

Suggested alternate costumes: NBC crybaby or awards snub Boris Badunov.

The Santa Cruz assault mirrored a real event three years ago, when a local Fox reporter in New York was assaulted at Occupy Wall Street. A protester stole his microphone and threatened to stab him.

Man, history's like a big wheel. Condemned to repeat it, dude. Far out.

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