News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola to Launch Premium Milk Brand Called Fairlife

Paying more for something automatically makes it better. This axiom is true even for liquids intended for a cow's newborns that could kill you. Perhaps the "Milk is for babies" motto needs to be revised in light of the fact that it's about to get more expensive courtesy of the producers of Rust Cola. After all, we'd all rather fund an aggressively awful marketing campaign and various corporate bonuses for individuals that may or may not actually do anything than some greedy farmer. Now we finally can. Take all my money Coke, you win.

When Coke tried to muscle in on the mineral water market, it was hounded out for selling bottled tap water.

Then we discovered the consumer is an idiot who will literally pay for tap water provided it's properly branded, so I'm not sure what the lesson here is.

Now the company has got its commercial eyes on milk. But rather than just repackaging another part of our everyday diet, the firm boasts its drink will come souped up in a high-protein, high-calcium, low-sugar form – and sold at twice the price of a normal pint.

Finally a solution to the massive amounts of sugar in milk. I haven't been this excited about the messy white gunk since before I found out "Muscle Milk" wasn't really milk and contained substances that were, strictly speaking, poisonous to the human biology.

Fairlife will go on sale in the US next month and according to Coca-Cola, a major investor in the product, it will be more “nutritious” with 50 per cent more natural protein and calcium and less sugar than ordinary milk.

This is nothing but the previous paragraph re-worded slightly. It contains literally no new information. Can we have a special, new, high-cost form of business journalism that's low in redundancy and high in insider trading tips that are no longer useful because now too many people know?

Heralded by breathless promotional materials that claim the new drink will take “milk where it’s never been before”, the drink is seen as the “premiumisation of milk” by the company.

This exciting new "asphyxiation" campaign is bound to succeed.

Speaking at Morgan Stanley’s Global Consumer Conference last week, Coca-Cola’s North American chief, Sandy Douglas, said: “It’s basically the premiumisation of milk… We’ll charge twice as much for it as the milk we’re used to buying in a jug.”

"...and you common dogs will buy it because you're a bunch of drooling morons whose idiocy I've endlessly exploited to amass obscene luxury. If you'll excuse me, I need to get back to one of my houses made entirely of precious metals and infant bones."

Mr. Douglas claimed that the milk “tastes better” than regular milk and is made on sustainable dairy farms with “high-care processes” and a “proprietary milk-filtering process”.

The taste is objectively better, thanks to scientific processes like "care." I guess they don't want to mention the "mother's love" or "honest day's sweat" also used for fear competitors might reverse engineer it.

Much of America’s milk is made in controversial mega-dairies where up to 30,000 cows are kept indoors all year round.

Please, can we get through one Thanksgiving dinner without having another hour-long screaming match about the mega-dairies.

But Mr. Douglas said its milk will come from 92 family-owned farms, and Fairlife boasts that it will be “pursuing the highest standards of milk quality, agricultural sustainability and animal comfort”.

With this sort of unbiased source of information how could you not be convinced?

The move is a major long-term investment for Coca-Cola, which has traditionally focused on carbonated drinks and owns nearly 1,000 drinks brands worldwide.

You probably know them as the "Sorry, we don't have Pepsi here" brand.

If you even got slightly aroused by this you're now morally obligated to buy our product.

Mr. Douglas added: “We’re going to be investing in the milk business for a while to build the brand so it won’t rain money in the early couple of years.

Raining money from a lacerated sky/Milking its horror/Creating my lame ad campaign/Now I shall reign in money.

Not all Coca-Cola brand adventures have been profitable though. In 2004 the firm was forced to take its Dasani bottled water off British shelf after just four weeks.

The loss of the British market cost them several thousand dollars.

The firm was unable to convince British consumers to buy the drink, which was reported to be Sidcup tap water that had been filtered and pumped full of minerals. It was found to contain illegal levels of the chemical bromate.

Right, what's going on 'ere? Dodgy chemicals in the Yank water? This is a bloody outrage, it is!

Full Story.

Komment Korner  
 
Animals have been outside since the beginning of time.

I think you need to read slower.
 
I think this would be a wonderful opportunity to pause for a moment and give thanks for the many great contributions of the black community

Our family has virtually stopped drinking soft drinks. My daughter is the only one who still drink it. Coca Cola can bring out liquid gold in a coke can and we wouldn't buy it.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.