Wednesday, May 29, 2013

News You Can't Use: Yearbook Prank Leads to Columbia Student’s Arrest

High school graduation is an exciting time. It marks the beginning of a second childhood that should last for at least the next four years at Cultural Marxist Debt Daycare, or, if you work it just right, the rest of your life. It's a time of reflection, of new beginnings, and possibly of starting a 3-5 year stretch at Leavenworth for pulling a prank. Yes, stupid jokes are now felonies. We live in an America that has no sense of humor whatsoever. Jesters are rounded up and shot. Comedians are our main focus during the two minutes hate. Scripted "comedy" shows are intentionally stripped of all wit, irony and subversion. They are then given "laugh cues" as a means to fully deconstruct the idea of joking around.

Zero tolerance, my friends, zero tolerance.

A Columbia high school student faces a possible felony charge after her arrest for changing a classmate’s name in the school yearbook to a sexually suggestive term.

Put her in prison! She has disgraced the good name of the yearbook committee! We trusted them to take excellent photos of "coat a freshmen in hot tar" week and so on, not to bring S-E-X (!!!!!!!) into our very names.

The 17-year-old Hickman High School junior was arrested May 14 after she allegedly changed a student’s last name from Mastain to “masturbate” in the 100th edition of the Hickman Cresset yearbook.

Assistant Boone County prosecutor Spencer Bartlett said Tuesday that the case remains under review. No charges had been filed against the teenager as of Tuesday afternoon.

Whoa, what? Get us all excited about the prospect of turning a joke about bopping the bishop into serious prison time and then admit it isn't going to happen in the fine print? It's almost like this is some sort of sensationalism to get attention.

The school decided against reprinting more than 700 yearbooks and instead placed stickers on the altered pages with the student’s correct surname, said yearbook adviser Kim Acopolis. The school estimated the costs of reprinting 720 yearbooks at $41,000.

There was a brief ceremony afterwards celebrating the first time in human history that a government employee used their own discretion and common sense rather than making the worst available decision. Hats off to you, Kim, while everyone else was panicking over smashing-the-candle-gate you were cool under pressure.

“I do not think (she) had any sense of the consequences that would come,” Acopolis said, referring to the student purportedly behind the prank gone awry.

This is why kids say things like "adults are the suck" and "epic adult fail." Really, they say that.

Both Acopolis and the girl whose name was changed, Raigan Mastain, an aspiring graphic designer, called the last-minute change by another yearbook staff member as an act of immaturity, not malice.

In reality it was probably both.

They might want to put a sticker over their goofy school logo, too.

I usually give a direct link to the story, but not this time. The web page is just riddled with bullshit ads and ain't nobody got time for dat. I think it was still loading five minutes after I closed the tab. Here's the address, but don't visit it. I quoted all the funniest parts, so there's no point anyway.

Komment Korner
Glad I never had a Kewpie as my Mascot. I was always baffled by the Purple Kewpies. NCHS THUNDERBIRDS! (High school football rules!!!)

Was his first name Richard?? hahaha

When will the MSM be held to the same standard of accountability? 'Mittens' Romney anyone?
Also, Innocent until PROOVEN guilty -maybe it was just a typo and it is up to the law to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it was not.

get ready to have your name changed over and over again you stuck-up b!tch enjoy the real world

A year in jail sounds appropriate.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Choose Your Own Adventure #17: The Race Forever

Last time out I defeated a lame introduction, caused all kinds of mischief as a monster hero, ate corpses and massacred Lord of the Rings second-stringers but then got killed by a bicep bro who probably curls in the squat rack and invites people to the "gun show" without a trace of irony or self-awareness. Overall, a pretty good run, but it's back into the shallow end of the pool for another Choose Your Own Adventure entry. Today it's going to be all about racing, cool cars, and exotic locations. It's called the Race Forever and I'm all set to go off like I've been personally insulted when it does end, just like with "NeverEnding Story."

We get the usual introductory plot dump. In this case the "you" of the story has extensive racing experience and is traveling to Nairobi to enter an ill-conceived combination rally race/speed race. I'm guessing it will start in Kenya, detour through the Witchcraft belt, pass through a few semi-autonomous regions currently locked in unwinnable civil wars and then finish up in South Sudan. "Hey, we had a choice between Monaco, Daytona, Tokyo or Suba. We made our choice and we stand by it."

  The race course will basically go from one side of the red "no go" zone to the other.

Rather suspect choice of location aside, there's every reason for optimism. Like I said, I'm an experienced driver in both rally and, well, not rally, racing. In fairness nepotism also has played a role, as my father is a motor sports veteran who can name-drop "Le Mans" and "Nurburgring." Time to add " N'Djamena" and "Bamako" to that list, I guess. I should also point out this is the second instance of a "fortunate son" getting odd semi-preferential treatment from this author. I'm not sure if that's a motif he always works in or not, but it is fun to imagine that R.A. Montgomery is the "nepotism crudely wielded" Choose Your Own Adventure author, while most of the others prefer the "horrible fate suffered by a child" signature.

I decide to sign up for the "rough road" race first. While waiting in line, yes the turnout for this "bad idea written all over it" event is that significant, I notice a sign warning drivers to watch out for "animals, bad roads, snakes and fatigue." A more honest version might include warnings about "child soldiers, absence of any centralized authority, human trafficking and land mines" but I'm sure a reptile or being tired is more of a danger than some rebel with a RPG looking to bag their first American.

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine."

I get a choice between a "British Land Rover" and a "Japanese Nissan Pickup" and decide to go with the Nissan. I'm teamed up with an African (yeah, that's how specific the book is) navigator named Amos. He shares a story about Nigerian novelists, but I'm all "let's start jumping puddles in this Nipponese bad-boy." I decide to take the faster route through "hill country." We make good time and quickly reach the first check point and the mandatory one hour rest break. Some older guy is all "hey kid, have a beer!" but for whatever reason I'm not given a choice to drink and drive in an endurance race in arguably the world's most dangerous area. 

Instead he starts menacing me with "broken knee-caps" and I'm offered 5000 British Pounds to throw the race. But, but, the integrity of this great sport is surely worth more than that? Well, it isn't, but if I'm not taking drinks with this guy I'm not taking a dive for him either. Also, this is pretty dumb. Since the race is timed instead of head-to-head he has no way of knowing if I'm even a serious challenger. Plus, there's lots of other drivers. Is he going to make similar offers to all of them, hoping none of them blab this to race officials? I may have found a logical problem in a thirty-year-old book aimed at children. Please try to remain calm.

They totally ripped this off for "Fast and Furious."

Since I'm being all "my personal integrity is worth more than the price of 5000 medium quality tacos" I also snitch this guy out to race officials, which was pretty much guaranteed to happen anyway. This is a fantasy world, so the guilty are promptly punished by a super-efficient and honest administration, Amos turns out to have a "sixth sense" for navigating and we go on to win the race. Aw, yeah. Now for the Speed Race.  

But it's so rewarding!

Time for some fast driving! We get some pointless German-bashing (they're serious!) and I decide to go with a Subura WRX, which I'm assuming does not stand for Wreckz 'N' Effectz. All I want to do is the zoom, zoom, but first I'm paired up with a Russian! And it's a woman! Sadly, she's pretty taciturn, so there's no tales of her crazy Volgograd childhood. I decide to push the car "flat out" using the logic that this is a "race" and that is generally what one does in a race. 

Sadly, sexy Olga is firmly from the Soviet school of careful planning and somehow causes an explosion while refueling the car, getting burned on the hands and arms in the process. I'm given the choice to go back to a "village" to seek medical treatment (it's a village, what facilities would you reasonably expect them to have???) or keep racing and I chose the latter because Olga would want that and let's be honest, the other alternative is just dumb.

Ze kar is, how you say, burnink."

My heartless pragmatism is rewarded with the injured Russian failing at her navigator duties and we end up hopelessly lost. We keep ending up at the same watering hole, vultures are circling, general bad vibes. We don't finish the race either, although the ending does imply that we eventually limp back, completely defeated. Well, one for two isn't bad. I'm better at tattling than showing basic human compassion, that's for sure. 

This one was decent. I liked the "two races in one!" gimmick and the setting is interesting, although in my play through we might as well have been in rural Illinois instead of Africa. Just be sure to snitch at every opportunity and maybe watch the open flames around gasoline. 

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

News You Can't Use: Customers Free to Sue Department Stores for Fake Sales

Today's story is as American as apple pie, materialism, frivolous lawsuits, mathematical ignorance and baseball. It involves the classic dilemma of being duped by a so-called "sale" and then realizing when you get to the register that "20 percent" does not mean whatever it was you thought it did. Rather than simply at that point saying "You know what, no" and returning the items, as someone raised to believe in free markets and personal agency might do, you buy it anyway but later get a lawyer to file a waste-time lawsuit. A judge suffering from a Messiah complex then decides everyone should be doing this. After all, "stores" are the enemy.

May this New America live forever. 

Stores cannot be sued if they hide the fact that an item isn't actually discounted as much as they have advertised. The new ruling came in California where a judge overturned a class action suit against Kohl's department store. Now, if consumers find out that they paid more than the advertised discount price on something that they thought was on sale, they can sue the retailer for a sizable payout.

Maybe my reading comprehension isn't as A Class as I always brag it up as, but it seems these statements are contradictory. Having to do "fractions" is already tough enough, but now I'm faced with struggling through ill-constructed journalistic prose. Maybe it's time for a lawsuit against misleading opening paragraphs. A few million is all I ask.

What a bargain! Time to buy lots of luggage that I otherwise wouldn't!

The issue stems from the legal complaint made by Antonio S. Hinjonos, who argued that he would not have purchased as many items from Kohl's if he knew that there was not as significant of a discount as advertised.
I call that being tricked by a business. This is not the way to get a "come up." Popping tags? 

A year from now all of the above will be completely cryptic nonsense. 

According to the paper, he bought Samonsite luggage because he thought that it was 50 per cent off it's original $299.99 pricetag and he thought he was getting a 39 per cent markdown on polo shirts from the higher price of $36-per-shirt.

Because luggage is the sort of thing you buy more of when you think it's slightly cheaper, instead of buying it to fill an immediate need, like, say, a coming vacation. An ignorant scumbag "victim," an opportunistic lawyer and a judge drunk on power all converge to decide that cash-ins over arguably deceptive luggage labeling should clog up our courts and devastate local merchants. USA! USA! 

 Because it's so cheap I'm going to buy several dozen suitcases I don't really need.

Courthouse News Service cites the court filings where Mr Hinjonos said he 'would not have purchased (these) products at Kohl's in the absence of Kohl's misrepresentations.'

Well, I'm convinced. It makes sense that you wouldn't change your mind at the register, or keep your receipt and bring the items back. No, lawyers are a much cleaner and easier way to handle this non-problem.

'Here, Hinojos specifically and plausibly alleges that Kohl's falsely markets its products at reduced prices precisely because consumers such as himself reasonably regard price reductions as material information when making purchasing decisions,' the judge wrote.

Never has an obvious attempt to play the litigation lottery seemed so downright "plausible."

Originally the case was dismissed but that ruling was overturned by the 9th Circuit on Tuesday.

Originally sanity, common sense and the reasonable man standard won a rare victory, but they were defeated in a "do over."

Komment Korner
Kohls is notorious for doing this. I went in there a few times. They had dresses for girls at $49.99 and on sale for $29.99. You could buy the same dress for $29.99 elsewhere.

I hope this judge allows these people to also sue their public school teachers for turning them into economic idiots.

If I find out it wasn't the discount I thought it was, I either don't buy it or take it back if I did.

Better be careful. Once this principle gets started won't we be able to apply it to politicians too?

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

DotTeeVee: Under the Viaduct

Today's subject is nice and topical: a police video from 1986. You're probably thinking that's sarcasm, but in reality it's the opposite of sarcasm, whatever the hell that is. Unsarcasm? Non-snark? Sincerity? Who knows. Anyway, this gem of a video came to light when some minor civil servant rose to the heights of "Interim Police Chief" only for footage of this worthy and his fellow officers making fun of the homeless twenty seven years ago to suddenly surface and with it calls for his firing. For future reference so that this doesn't happen to you here's a list of people you can still mock without any fear of getting into hot water three decades from now: White heterosexual rural Christians. End of list.

As if to hammer home just how ungood everything we're about to see is, we open with a full disclaimer, warning of the "inappropriateness" to follow. Basically the message is "What you are about to witness contains ideas that are not approved by your rulers. Should you find yourself agreeing with them, please close the video and spend several hours on MSNBC."

 Are you bad enough to handle something that "commanders" couldn't?

As if this warning wasn't enough we now get the 1986 version of the same, which features a man whose general appearance and demeanor suggests a grade school principal more than a police officer. As if somehow anticipating the butt-hurt of people who hadn't even been born when this was originally filmed he says it's "an attempt at some humor" and invites us to go under the viaduct. Well, I'm in.

"I'll be safely retired and dead by the time anyone cares about this."

The familiar catchy beat of The Drifters 1964 classic "Under the Boardwalk" plays as we slowly focus in on the "attempt at some humor." Officers have created less than fully convincing "person currently without a home" disguises. Basically it's a Red Skelton routine. Man, the fresh and up-to-the-minute references just keep coming. In that spirit I should mention they've also gone to the joint for some giggle water and are nice and spifflicated. And how! Let's get on the trolley and watch.

Cutting-edge police department comedy.
Someone sings modified lyrics, blaming the sun for waking them up. Yeah, that sun is trouble, no doubt about it. I will concede that the singer is decent and since this was before they had the billion dollar technology that makes our current crop of sissy-boys and junk-in-trunk sluts somewhat listenable it's all just pure talent. The fact that this solid performance is in an ill-conceived skit for a police training video underlines how common singing talent really is, as opposed to writing which is, like, all hard and stuff and so on. 
The central conflict is quickly introduced when the People of Disadvantage are promptly "herded like sheep" by The Man. We cut away from this developing morality play to explain that "T-Birds" are the drink of choice and "all day" is the preferred time to consume them for the people under the viaduct. We even get an unconvincing scene of said drinking, featuring bottles that are clearly empty. Bad production values in a 1986 cop video? It's more likely than you'd think.

When "Night Train" is out of your price range.
The praises of life under the viaduct are, literally, sung. Dirt floors. Booze consumption. Loving close-ups of what I'm hoping is a simulated "oozing sore." They couldn't be bothered to fill the bottles with some sort of liquid, but when it comes to a disgusting open wound suddenly we get all big budget. With the general virtues of living beneath an overpass established, it's back to the storyline, such as it is, of being taken off to jail. Of course this process is fully simulated and as a veteran viewer of the shows "Cops" and "Bait Car" I can vouch for the rigorous accuracy.

Let me wave goodbye to a promotion in the distant future.
Anyone who loves 80s action films can guess the next scene. That's right, a "sympathetic judge" releases them back to go commit more crimes like public drunkenness, loitering, and, um, danger of living a derelict or debased lifestyle. Sharp-eyed viewers, or really any viewer who hasn't been tucking into their own "T-Bird" will note the liberal judge is the same man from the introduction and that this role is also much more believable for him than police officer. Maybe it's just me, but everything about this guy just screams wimpy and ineffectual petty authority figure. 

Anyway, back to the viaduct for more drinking! Oh, and breaking into parked cars. Always even-handed and sympathetic, 1986 Seattle police. We get some weak footage of said breaking in, limited by the fact that the department for some reason wouldn't let them break a real car window for a mildly amusing, offensive as all outdoors video that probably never should have made it past the "wouldn't it be funny if we did this" stage. 

"They're coming to get you, Barbara!" 
We get some special effects suggestive of eighties MTV and then a line about how "the cops are kicking our ass." Yup, let's add "approving attitude toward police brutality" to all the other things that are deeply wrong with this. Maybe what seemed like a good idea at eleven at night in a bar actually isn't. 

A rare literal depiction of kicking someone's ass.
We repeat the chorus and cycle through the general themes that have already been established, such as "sleeping in trash," the drinking, battling police and a system too cowardly to actually punish them in an eternal war that can not be won and more drinking. All of this is accompanied by more music video effects and general silliness. At least the officers look like they're having fun, I hope it was worth it.
 One singular sensation.
The video concludes with two officers receiving a radio report of "transients under the viaduct" and I guess this brings everything full circle. When dealing with art of this quality it's easy to miss the finer points and it probably would take several hundred viewings to do everything justice. The suspects are described as "drinking wine" and one of the officers balls up a fist and slams it into his hand repeatedly while leering menacingly in anticipation, presumably, of beating up on society's most sad and helpless individuals. I knew making those "Clockwork Orange" kids into cops was a bad idea.

The video ends and we wrap things up with the actor who so ably depicted the "sympathetic judge" character. He discusses some sort of cutting edge 1986 technology that can now be found in a museum near you as well as the dream of a "video library." He offers up a thirty-eight minute video on a shooting as an example of the wonders of this new, cutting-edge idea. See it all on Beta tape, my friends. We get some holiday wishes, roll credits.
   Suspect is described as a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blurp blurp in between.
Komment Korner  

Sorry America don't mean to hurt your precious feelings.
Best cop humor I've seen in a long time!!! Why are the lib-tards upset. The homeless are mostly vermin, and continue to accost decent citizens.
6 people live under the viaduct
This is majestic, this is beautiful... this... is... art.
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

News You Can't Use: Man Drank Beer, Smoked, Cooked While in Grocery

Are you a bad enough dude to hide out in a grocery store and then spend the entire night drinking, smoking, eating steaks, getting high from Redi-Whip chemicals and going "bathroom" on yourself? Maybe not, but in the cultural and economic mecca that is Bullitt County, Kentucky at least one such bad dude does exist. This hero, if hero is even a strong enough word, spent one amazing night in a grocery store, indulging every venal desire like a modern day Epicurus. It sounds like the plot to one of those comedies that is in theaters for two weeks in mid-October and features a star whose main talent is "making faces" but this is no fiction. This is the incredible tale of the man with the guts to actually do something we've all wanted to do.

A man was arrested after spending the night in a Mount Washington grocery store.

I guess the medals, Nobel prizes, statues and six figure speaking engagements will have to wait.

I'm in big trouble, but I can't stop smiling.
The manager opening a ValuMarket said 57 Redi-Whip whipped cream cans were found in the garbage Monday morning.

Probably just an unrelated anomaly. It's not like there's a significant correlation between inhalant abuse and high risk behavior like turning a grocery store into your dream house. Maybe a slight one, now.

Police said when the lights went out the video showed Runyon drank some beer, smoked cigarettes, cooked and ate six steaks, some shrimp and a birthday cake.

Ask yourself "what did I do on that same night" and try to handle the crushing despair. 

Welcome to Trevor Runyon fantasy camp.

Runyon also allegedly went to bathroom on himself and got clothes to change into.

I love the cutesy language, as if this a ha-ha-larious incident with a toddler and not a guy blasted out of his mind on every legal intoxicant available suffering a glorious full system failure and not even caring. Also, there are clothes? At a grocery? Man, Kentucky really does live up to those bombastic tourist slogans.

Proud home of a guy who used stolen beer to go "bathroom" on himself.

Afterward, Runyon climbed into the rafters and went to sleep. Firefighters were called to get Runyon down, he was then taken into custody by police.

We can add "skillful acrobat" and "sound sleeper" to an already lengthy list of accolades.

Komment Korner
I really hope he gets raped, too Jennifer. A lot. (After being criticized for drinking hater-ade) Just to clarify, I was being sarcastic. #jokefail

hes lacking a brain if he dnt kno tht stores hav restrooms tu use.



Sorry Bullwinkle but that's a blue state...sorta like Canada only not as clean.

Like a BOSS. 

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Fighting Fantasy: Creature of Havok

I took a long vacation from this series after my attempt at Deathtrap Dungeon went about as poorly as possible and ended in ignominious death from heat exhaustion. Since then I've been reluctant to try another from this series, perhaps because most of these books are poorly designed with item scavenger hunts, one true paths where the first decision you make causes you to lose but you won't know it for thirty minutes, and tough, unavoidable fights that insure if you had a poor initial roll-up you will die. For all these flaws, there is a certain perverse charm to this series and some of the books make up for your almost certain failure with creative ideas. "Creature" is one of these, because you get to play as a monster! You'll still die, of course, but on the other hand Monster Fudging Hero. Aw, yeah.

 Notary publics...of eeeevilll!!!!

Apparently there's a law of conservation of righteousness that states that for every way rad idea there must also be a total bummer, dude. In this book said bummer comes in the form of a twenty page introduction. I gave it a glance and said to myself "You know what? No." This decision was immediately vindicated by the author admitting on the last page that it's basically useless and might even work against you. In other words all of his lame fantasy novel ideas that publishers had rejected were vomited out in the literary equivalent of the solitary vice. Twenty pages of drivel like "Stittle Wood" and "The Innocent Traitor" and the big reward is a giant middle finger at the end. I really can't get over this. Introductions that are concise, well-written and relevant usually still seem unnecessary and this pile was none of the above. 

Suck it, Steve Jackson.

With the first enemy, the pointless background, soundly defeated I'm liking my chances. Until I roll up my creature and get the lowest possible Skill. This monster is apparently half-blind, clumsy and afflicted with sudden falling down syndrome. On the other hand I rolled a high Luck, so there's that. Also in combat if you roll the same number on both dice you automatically win, so that "Skill 7" isn't the automatic death sentence it would be in a lot of these books. Well, let's get this mother on.

I wake up in agony in some underground corridor. The presence of scales and spines quickly confirms I'm some terrible monster which, again, is totally awesome. I've got no memory and am totally disoriented and operating on instinct. See, this is a great opening. Why we needed a twenty page self-abuse marathon that I feel like tearing out of the book and feeding to a fire is again raised as a very valid question.

I encounter a dwarf and try to talk to him. In another cool bit his speech is completely garbled. After he takes a stab I crush his body, cracking ribs like "twigs." Don't get me angry, Gimli, bad things will happen.

Dwarves never seem to fare very well.

I try to leave, but my legs don't obey. Instead I search the body, ignoring gold as worthless and instead taking a piece of leather covered in incomprehensible script. I blunder around in confusion for a bit. Then I encounter your classic Fighter, Thief, Wizard adventuring party! I guess the Cleric is on sick leave or something. I immediately begin mauling a "hobbit." Man, this book is nothing but murdering Lord of the Rings characters. 

The hobbit dies easily and I interrupt an attempted spell by the magician via claws to the face. Then I roll doubles and one-shot the Knight. Total Party Kill! Their bodies are then devoured, restoring my health. Yes, these books were intended for a younger audience, why do you ask? 

Light Warriors? I, Skill 7 Monster Hero will knock you down!

I come across more dead bodies that are apparently being cannibalized by some invisible creature. I try to get out of there, which at least demonstrates an awareness of my limitations. Unfortunately, this attempt fails and I'm forced to battle Flesh Feeders (!!!) that at least have the common courtesy to "materialize" before attacking. The odd chivalry of the skin eaters allows me to eventually win the fight, but not before losing most of my stamina. Yeah, that low Skill is becoming an issue.

These guys would love this book. Well, not that b.s. background, but the rest of it.

More cannibalism of the corpse variety is attempted, but the "orcs" don't taste very good, as Gollum could have told me. Instead I open a flask, releasing purple gas. It forms into a face and mutters a paragraph of incomprehensible nothing. Still better than that twenty page introduction. For all this, I get rewarded with some "Luck." 

Following another hallway I quickly encounter more adventurers. Man, that evil notary from the cover or whoever owns this place should put down pest strips or something. This is ridiculous! The dice totally turn on me and I'm killed by some goof named "Strong Arm." So ends the amazing story of the dwarf crushing, dead body eating, purple gas confronting Monster Hero. You were too beautiful for this world, my friend.

 An ordinary, albeit strong-armed, guy who can kick a monster's ass.

Another short run. The dice absolutely hated me this time and in the end a run of bad rolls is tougher than any Creature of Havoc. Overall, this is a good one. I like how the dice direct your early decisions, but as you regain awareness you are allowed to start making your own choices. Playing a monster is fun, too, especially when you can wreck hapless J.R.R. Tolkien knock-offs with a single hit. I'd say check this one out, just be sure to skip that introduction!
Enter this death metal band's name to prove you're not a robot.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

News You Can't Use: Coke Acts to Fend Off Obesity Criticism

Drinking "Coke" rules. It tastes like rust. It provides essential sugars, an area where almost everyone is deficient. It's very efficient to consume the equivalent of twenty tablespoons of sugar in just a few minutes and no doubt conducive to robust good health. Then there's the high fructose corn syrup. Corn is a vegetable and vegetables are healthy, therefore soda is healthy. Also syrup. Is there anything that screams a live well lived more than consuming various syrups? I'm pretty sure our Olympic athletes mostly consume special "training syrups."

And yet, not everyone is happy. Can you believe it, let alone dig it?

Coca-Cola has moved to head off rising concerns that sugary drinks are contributing to an obesity epidemic by adopting clearer calorie-count labels, promoting diet drinks and renewing a pledge not to market to children under 12.

Soda will not be sold to anyone who fails to provide a valid junior high ID. Because we all know how well that works. Of course bubble water is just one contributing factor to obesity and not the sole cause and "diet" sodas are full of dangerous chemicals in their own right, but when you're making a "pledge" logic probably isn't foremost in your mind.

The cause of the 1886 obesity panic is finally revealed.

The policy, announced on Wednesday, comes as the world’s largest beverage company and its rivals draw fire from health experts and lawmakers over the high calorie content of their flagship products.

If we could just make this product illegal it would solve everything. It worked for alcohol, after all. I guess "free will" is the one thing health experts don't want us to exercise.

He said soda sales had fallen in the US as consumers, worried about health issues, “self-regulated” their consumption. As a result, beverage companies are expanding in emerging markets, including India and China, to win new business.

Self-regulators. We regulate our own behavior without any laws forcing us. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the health issues, earn your keep. Self-regulators...mount up!

As the recent days of warm weather has confirmed, America is the land of healthy, modest, self-regulators. Better go to China, land of irresponsibility and materialism. 

Next you'll tell me smoking is bad!

Analysts said Coke and rivals were concerned about a crackdown around the world.

Sugar Wish Part 4: The Crackdown. "You like Crystal Pepsi? I'm about to send you to a place where they still have it."

“Behind the scenes they’re lobbying, they’re fighting every single government attempt to try to limit sales of their products,” said Marion Nestle, a public health professor at New York University.

The secret cola wars rage on, shadow warriors fighting an invisible enemy. How many more must die for our sacred right to pour fizzy garbage into our fat faces?

Shares closed down 0.6 per cent to $42.45 in New York.

This slight drop caused some horrible rich bastard to lose more money than I'll probably earn in my lifetime. He didn't even notice. 

Komment Korner
Coke is a distributor. The principle culprit is the sugar industry that manufactures an ingredient that kills and maims in all its forms. 

Which fool doesn't realise that Coke is unhealthy? Possibly the same fools that don't realise that a packet of peanuts may contain traces of nuts!

Or how about the caffeine content causing addition to their product? Surely this is a heath issue on a par with cigarettes? 

Putting the calorie count on the container isn't going to be effective if people's stomach sensors are confused by the HFCS and they continue to want more of the beverage.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

DotTeeVee: Buying Beer With Fake IDs

What is a fake ID and how does it work? Before watching this amazing video my answers were "I don't know" and "I have a level of ignorance deeper than simply not knowing, which not only represents zero knowledge but might actually cause the loss of information I already know," respectively. Now, thanks to watching the antics of a "NYU" student I can proudly tell you that the real correct answers are "an incorrectly sized forgery of an out-of-state license" and "It works by finding lazy, corrupt and/or stupid individuals working at convenience stores."

A cunning artifice that can fool all but the most well-trained eyes.

Cool, bass-heavy music plays as the video's sketchy protagonist displays his collection of ersatz identifications. Wackiness quickly ensues as we find ourselves inside one of those "gulp 'n' blows" with our hero selecting a single bottle of "Fosters" and attempting to purchase it with a Kentucky driver's license that's approximately the size of a business envelope. Meanwhile, his friend who is filming it offers hearty Ed McMahon style laughter. None of this phases the counter man, who looks like he's entering hour 89 of a 123 hour shift.

Is this some sort of allegory?

After scanning the giant license (if it was from Texas, it would at least have been believable) the clerk decides it's good. However, the craziness is just getting started as the payment comes in the form of a miniature credit card, producing more laughter from his side-kick while I cling to my sides to prevent them from splitting. We just failed to purchase a can of beer. Rock and roll. 

Meanwhile his peers are partying, but this is a far better way to spend one's salad days. I regret I can't go back in time and relive my late teens this way. The question "What is best in life" finally has a good answer. The American dream has come true and you're looking at it.

...and they don't take undersized American Express.

We get a debriefing outside the store where what just transpired is explained for the benefit of those who suffer from that memory condition where your memory resets every thirty seconds like in that one movie one time. This scene is completely stolen by a man in the background who starts shaking his groove thing, yeah yeah. The shot is framed in such a way to suggest this was pre-planned, but the part of me that still believes in Pro Wrestling, the Tooth Fairy and the Republican Party wants to believe in this, too.

What, you mean it isn't common practice to incorrectly center the subject?

As every good scientist knows, when they're not lying to us, experiments must be repeated to have any value. So here we go again, new store, new clerk, same Australian beer. I guess they thought there was just something inherently humorous about that particular product choice. "Always a good choice," as the guy who spends Friday night filming himself failing to buy cans of it puts it.

Yes, this show actually was entertaining once, in the distant past.

More quality human interaction goes down, only this time it's not so easy. The undersized identification is actually rejected, despite a claim it's the "key chain" version. However, Big Kentucky proves as reliable as ever, even after much scrutiny from the Asian-American working the register. "Does this one work?" they ask as everyone now seems in on the joke here. Still, the beer is successfully purchased. We have just witnessed a crime.

It says you were born in the Year of the Rabbit.

The nonsense we just witnessed might as well be a National Geographic documentary compared to the ending, which features "stealing" beer (Fosters, naturally) by just walking right out the door with it and then atoning for the bad karma incurred by giving it to a suspiciously well-dressed and clean "homeless" man, who seems to be living with his homeless wife under a pillar. Granted, this is New York, home of CHUDs and violence gangs and Obama's America has ensured across the board poverty, but it still seems unbelievable. These videos are making me a cynic.

America's CEOs accept poverty rather than putting the burden on the middle class.

Komment Korner  

America's youth are well formed all right.. lol

lol I didn't at first

Thank you for this intelligent response.  

No, you are in fact dumber. 

you just went full retard

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

News You Can't Use: Oregon Juror Jailed For Texting During Trial

Typing your wet-brain thoughts in broken English on a tiny keyboard is the best thing ever. It's so good, it must take precedence over all other activities, whether that activity is something as trivial as showing common decency to others or as allegedly pressing as self-preservation while controlling several thousand pounds of automobile. Yes, the intellectual golden age is beginning and it's all thanks to this wonderful technology. Sadly, not everyone feels this way. Leave it to a kill-joy like a judge to ruin everything and throw your El Oh Eling ass into the bucket.

A judge in Oregon noticed an unexpected glow on a juror's chest while the courtroom lights were dimmed during video evidence in an armed-robbery trial.

Either one of the jurors is E.T. the extraterrestrial or an important missive like "Im in kort rom lol" is being sent out over invisible wires.

The real greatest generation.

Marion County Circuit Judge Dennis Graves cleared the courtroom and excused all jurors except 26-year-old Benjamin Kohler. According to a news release from the Marion County Sheriff's Office, Kohler had no explanation for his actions.

"A red haze descended and when I regained conscious volition my thumbs were poking at this tiny little keyboard. I can't explain it."

Jurors in Oregon are given explicit instructions at the outset of each trial not to use cellphones in court.

By explicit I'm assuming you mean it was carefully explained and not "no f**king phones you worthless piece of f**king sh*t." Years of putting that word on compact discs for Dirty South rappers has completely destroyed its meaning.

I would totally hang out at the Snub Pub if it was a real thing.

Graves held Kohler in contempt, and Kohler spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday in the county jail. He was released Wednesday night.

I'll be honest and admit I'm in the "punish them severely!" camp on this one and I think he got off pretty light. Broken thumbs, anyone?

Neither the nature of the text message nor its recipient was disclosed.

I think it's safe to assume it was thoughtful, impeccably spelled and almost unbelievably important. 

An alternate juror took his place. Sheriff's spokesman Don Thomson said the trial ended Thursday with the defendant found guilty.

We're not saying these two events are in anyway related...or maybe we are? No, they're not.

Entering texting zone, please accelerate and be as reckless as possible.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at and Barnes & Noble.