News You Can't Use: Police Officer Shoots Cat

Dog bites man is not news. Well, ok, it actually kind of is, but it's not the good kind of news that keeps everyone deeply engaged with various trustworthy media outlets. Man bites dog, now that's what you want. Even better would be police officer blasts a cat, if you want to take the logic to its natural conclusion and why wouldn't you? Yes, another story about the out-of-control law enforcement in America (sure we have practically no crime, but at what cost???) and one we must soberly confront without resorting to "lives matter" wackiness or obvious and dreadful punning. It won't be easy, but we must face up to it.

A 911 call reporting an injured cat in a yard ended up with the cat dead of a gunshot wound.

"Oh, is Garfield there bothering you? I can fix that." Maybe it's time we stop giving guns and badges to Neutral Evil individuals?

It happened in North Catasauqua, just north of Allentown, Penn. The cat's name was Sugar, and she lived with her owner just a few doors down.

Sugar enjoyed killing birds, sleeping, litter-box activities, clawing at objects and enjoying the generosity of a human owner she regarded with, at best, icy contempt.

"She knew her name," said owner Tom Newhart. "If you'd call her, she'd come to you."

I will now attribute human qualities to an instinct-driven animal because that's a nice sane worldview.

A North Catasauqua policeman responded to the call and evaluated the situation.

Evaluating situation...please stand by. A blue bar slowly fills up, after numerous staggered pauses.

According to the Northampton District Attorney, the cop noted injuries to the cat's hind legs and that she was trailing blood. He made the decision then and there to put the cat down.

I guess it's totally understandable and humane, but we're trying to make a big deal out of this so let's instead pretend the cat was healthy and trying to surrender or whatever.

"Officer Purcell fired a single shot from his department-issued .38 caliber service revolver, instantly killing the cat."

Well, seems pretty open and shut. We can all go home without absorbing any painful attempts at humor from the type of journo who is assigned "cop shoots cat" stories.

And that's when the fur started flying.

Sigh.

The policeman "really didn't show any compassion or common sense knowledge," in the situation, Newhart said at the office of his attorney, Jenna Fliszar.

Now I will display my deep compassion and common sense by lawyering-up and trying to destroy this guy's life.

Morganelli announced on Monday that he is citing the officer in question, a consequence equivalent to a parking ticket. Morganelli said his investigation revealed that Sugar wasn't as seriously injured as initially believed, and a veterinarian's postmortem report showed that Sugar wasn't hurt much at all, save for the gunshot wound.

We broke into the wrong house and shot a child...oh well, accidents happen. Dead cat? Let's have an in-depth investigation/witch hunt.

I heard you liked grumpy cat, bro.

Newhart and his attorney are considering attempting civil recourse. 

It won't bring back your furry friend, but I guess you could buy beer or whatever.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Coke Acts to Fend Off Obesity Criticism

Drinking "Coke" rules. It tastes like rust. It provides essential sugars, an area where almost everyone is deficient. It's very efficient to consume the equivalent of twenty tablespoons of sugar in just a few minutes and no doubt conducive to robust good health. Then there's the high fructose corn syrup. Corn is a vegetable and vegetables are healthy, therefore soda is healthy. Also syrup. Is there anything that screams a live well lived more than consuming various syrups? I'm pretty sure our Olympic athletes mostly consume special "training syrups."

And yet, not everyone is happy. Can you believe it, let alone dig it?

Coca-Cola has moved to head off rising concerns that sugary drinks are contributing to an obesity epidemic by adopting clearer calorie-count labels, promoting diet drinks and renewing a pledge not to market to children under 12.

Soda will not be sold to anyone who fails to provide a valid junior high ID. Because we all know how well that works. Of course bubble water is just one contributing factor to obesity and not the sole cause and "diet" sodas are full of dangerous chemicals in their own right, but when you're making a "pledge" logic probably isn't foremost in your mind.

The cause of the 1886 obesity panic is finally revealed.

The policy, announced on Wednesday, comes as the world’s largest beverage company and its rivals draw fire from health experts and lawmakers over the high calorie content of their flagship products.

If we could just make this product illegal it would solve everything. It worked for alcohol, after all. I guess "free will" is the one thing health experts don't want us to exercise.

He said soda sales had fallen in the US as consumers, worried about health issues, “self-regulated” their consumption. As a result, beverage companies are expanding in emerging markets, including India and China, to win new business.

Self-regulators. We regulate our own behavior without any laws forcing us. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the health issues, earn your keep. Self-regulators...mount up!

As the recent days of warm weather has confirmed, America is the land of healthy, modest, self-regulators. Better go to China, land of irresponsibility and materialism. 

Next you'll tell me smoking is bad!

Analysts said Coke and rivals were concerned about a crackdown around the world.

Sugar Wish Part 4: The Crackdown. "You like Crystal Pepsi? I'm about to send you to a place where they still have it."

“Behind the scenes they’re lobbying, they’re fighting every single government attempt to try to limit sales of their products,” said Marion Nestle, a public health professor at New York University.

The secret cola wars rage on, shadow warriors fighting an invisible enemy. How many more must die for our sacred right to pour fizzy garbage into our fat faces?

Shares closed down 0.6 per cent to $42.45 in New York.

This slight drop caused some horrible rich bastard to lose more money than I'll probably earn in my lifetime. He didn't even notice. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner
  

Coke is a distributor. The principle culprit is the sugar industry that manufactures an ingredient that kills and maims in all its forms. 

Which fool doesn't realise that Coke is unhealthy? Possibly the same fools that don't realise that a packet of peanuts may contain traces of nuts!

Or how about the caffeine content causing addition to their product? Surely this is a heath issue on a par with cigarettes? 

Putting the calorie count on the container isn't going to be effective if people's stomach sensors are confused by the HFCS and they continue to want more of the beverage.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.