News You Can't Use: Police Officer Shoots Cat

Dog bites man is not news. Well, ok, it actually kind of is, but it's not the good kind of news that keeps everyone deeply engaged with various trustworthy media outlets. Man bites dog, now that's what you want. Even better would be police officer blasts a cat, if you want to take the logic to its natural conclusion and why wouldn't you? Yes, another story about the out-of-control law enforcement in America (sure we have practically no crime, but at what cost???) and one we must soberly confront without resorting to "lives matter" wackiness or obvious and dreadful punning. It won't be easy, but we must face up to it.

A 911 call reporting an injured cat in a yard ended up with the cat dead of a gunshot wound.

"Oh, is Garfield there bothering you? I can fix that." Maybe it's time we stop giving guns and badges to Neutral Evil individuals?

It happened in North Catasauqua, just north of Allentown, Penn. The cat's name was Sugar, and she lived with her owner just a few doors down.

Sugar enjoyed killing birds, sleeping, litter-box activities, clawing at objects and enjoying the generosity of a human owner she regarded with, at best, icy contempt.

"She knew her name," said owner Tom Newhart. "If you'd call her, she'd come to you."

I will now attribute human qualities to an instinct-driven animal because that's a nice sane worldview.

A North Catasauqua policeman responded to the call and evaluated the situation.

Evaluating situation...please stand by. A blue bar slowly fills up, after numerous staggered pauses.

According to the Northampton District Attorney, the cop noted injuries to the cat's hind legs and that she was trailing blood. He made the decision then and there to put the cat down.

I guess it's totally understandable and humane, but we're trying to make a big deal out of this so let's instead pretend the cat was healthy and trying to surrender or whatever.

"Officer Purcell fired a single shot from his department-issued .38 caliber service revolver, instantly killing the cat."

Well, seems pretty open and shut. We can all go home without absorbing any painful attempts at humor from the type of journo who is assigned "cop shoots cat" stories.

And that's when the fur started flying.

Sigh.

The policeman "really didn't show any compassion or common sense knowledge," in the situation, Newhart said at the office of his attorney, Jenna Fliszar.

Now I will display my deep compassion and common sense by lawyering-up and trying to destroy this guy's life.

Morganelli announced on Monday that he is citing the officer in question, a consequence equivalent to a parking ticket. Morganelli said his investigation revealed that Sugar wasn't as seriously injured as initially believed, and a veterinarian's postmortem report showed that Sugar wasn't hurt much at all, save for the gunshot wound.

We broke into the wrong house and shot a child...oh well, accidents happen. Dead cat? Let's have an in-depth investigation/witch hunt.

I heard you liked grumpy cat, bro.

Newhart and his attorney are considering attempting civil recourse. 

It won't bring back your furry friend, but I guess you could buy beer or whatever.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: No Speeding Tickets for Lawmakers During Legislative Session

Using an internal combustion engine to create acceleration is better than True Love and most ice cream flavors. The only problem is the so-called "law" has an unpleasant way of interfering with this pursuit of happiness. But I found a way to get out of it. Let me tell you about it...

Telling a police officer that you were speeding because you are running late for work will likely not let you get out of a ticket. But if you're a state representative trying to get to work during the legislative session, the officer will have to let you go.

That's right, speeding tickets fall into the same category as Obamacare. An unpleasant, costly inconvenience that our elected reptiles are saying "thank you, no" to.

It all comes down to language in the State Constitution that's a throwback to centuries ago, when politicians in England would try to arrest opponents to prevent them from voting in parliament.

It was later revealed that this law from 1693 was actually repealed in 1694. Don't know how we missed that.

Washington's earliest lawmakers didn't want that happening to them, so it was written into the State Constitution and remains today.

It's like our Framers, in their infinite wisdom, could somehow anticipate the "act like a Big Man" needs of our current crop of elected officials. I'm sure they would nod with pride from their graves as State Rep. Snotgrass drives through a school zone at 90 mph while texting and using his knees to steer.

Troopers say they can't know the face of every state senator or representative, but they do let one go about five or six times a year.

You can now add "I'm a State Senator!" to your playbook of speeding ticket bluffs. It might even be more effective than old standbys like pretending to be a Soviet diplomat or unzipping your pants in hopes of getting the less expensive "public indecency" citation.

"You can't do this, I'm an elected official obeying an obsolete law from colonial times!"

"If the trooper were to learn during the course of a traffic stop that the person is a legislator, that they're on their way to legislative session, the trooper would simply get them on their way as soon as possible," Calkins said.

As opposed to ordinary people, or "losers" as we like to call you. Playing online poker while someone reads out of the phone book to stall a vote is important. Whatever it is you do, is not.

 "I don't think anyone would do that, because I think people would be outraged," Sawyer says. "You're not above the law, that's ridiculous."

Fortunately the high moral character of our elected officials will prevent any abuses. That was a close one. We can sleep easy in that knowledge.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

So if a legislator begins shooting people on the street on the way to the office, the police may not detain or restrain her.

Remember kids, you either are the one making the law or required to obey the law, but never both.

They're all in a hurry to go to the Capital and accomplish nothing.


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.