Wednesday, May 4, 2016

News You Can't Use: Police Officer Shoots Cat

Dog bites man is not news. Well, ok, it actually kind of is, but it's not the good kind of news that keeps everyone deeply engaged with various trustworthy media outlets. Man bites dog, now that's what you want. Even better would be police officer blasts a cat, if you want to take the logic to its natural conclusion and why wouldn't you? Yes, another story about the out-of-control law enforcement in America (sure we have practically no crime, but at what cost???) and one we must soberly confront without resorting to "lives matter" wackiness or obvious and dreadful punning. It won't be easy, but we must face up to it.

A 911 call reporting an injured cat in a yard ended up with the cat dead of a gunshot wound.

"Oh, is Garfield there bothering you? I can fix that." Maybe it's time we stop giving guns and badges to Neutral Evil individuals?

It happened in North Catasauqua, just north of Allentown, Penn. The cat's name was Sugar, and she lived with her owner just a few doors down.

Sugar enjoyed killing birds, sleeping, litter-box activities, clawing at objects and enjoying the generosity of a human owner she regarded with, at best, icy contempt.

"She knew her name," said owner Tom Newhart. "If you'd call her, she'd come to you."

I will now attribute human qualities to an instinct-driven animal because that's a nice sane worldview.

A North Catasauqua policeman responded to the call and evaluated the situation.

Evaluating situation...please stand by. A blue bar slowly fills up, after numerous staggered pauses.

According to the Northampton District Attorney, the cop noted injuries to the cat's hind legs and that she was trailing blood. He made the decision then and there to put the cat down.

I guess it's totally understandable and humane, but we're trying to make a big deal out of this so let's instead pretend the cat was healthy and trying to surrender or whatever.

"Officer Purcell fired a single shot from his department-issued .38 caliber service revolver, instantly killing the cat."

Well, seems pretty open and shut. We can all go home without absorbing any painful attempts at humor from the type of journo who is assigned "cop shoots cat" stories.

And that's when the fur started flying.


The policeman "really didn't show any compassion or common sense knowledge," in the situation, Newhart said at the office of his attorney, Jenna Fliszar.

Now I will display my deep compassion and common sense by lawyering-up and trying to destroy this guy's life.

Morganelli announced on Monday that he is citing the officer in question, a consequence equivalent to a parking ticket. Morganelli said his investigation revealed that Sugar wasn't as seriously injured as initially believed, and a veterinarian's postmortem report showed that Sugar wasn't hurt much at all, save for the gunshot wound.

We broke into the wrong house and shot a child...oh well, accidents happen. Dead cat? Let's have an in-depth investigation/witch hunt.

I heard you liked grumpy cat, bro.

Newhart and his attorney are considering attempting civil recourse. 

It won't bring back your furry friend, but I guess you could buy beer or whatever.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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