Wednesday, May 18, 2016

News You Can't Use: Nearly 100 Schoolchildren 'Possessed by the Devil'

It's hard out there for a demon. It's already been thoroughly established by vision and revelation that you're going to lose, but you're expected to go out there and run through the motions anyway. You get blamed for evils you had little if anything to do with, everything from simple to hysteria to government ineptitude. And, especially relevant for today's amazing story, you get confused with the ghosts of dead Made Men and have to take the blame for that, too. To add insult to injury they insist that you're unleashed by a novelty made by Parker Brothers. Yeah, it ain't easy.

The mass case of 'demonic possession' has caused some pupils to suffer from seizures while others have fainted at the school. 

Are we sure this isn't malnutrition caused by rejected Michelle Meals or the natural reaction to common core math?

Almost 100 schoolchildren are thought to have been 'possessed' by the devil - and see visions of a man in black trying to kill them.

Don't do it evil Johnny Cash wraith! Not like this!

In what has been described as a mass case of demonic possession, the pupils in Peru are experiencing seizures alongside their horrifying hallucinations.

It seems a more convincing explanation than the lead pipes, paint and dinner plates.

Experts have struggled to explain the strange goings-on, which also include widespread convulsions and fainting at the school , reportedly built on a Mafia graveyard.

You mooks bedda get off our bone garden if you know what's good for you. Got a nice school, shame if someone would bust it up with demonic mischief, I'm just sayin'.

According to local reports, as many as 80 students at the Elsa Perea Flores School in northern Peru’s Tarapoto have been experiencing the supposedly contagious ‘condition’ since last month.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for my fear-mongering campaign against anti-devil vaccinations. Myself and that annoying Playboy model were very wrong, obviously. Now problems we thought we wiped out in The Enlightenment are back and worse than ever.

Shocking video footage shows pupils who are barely conscious, repeatedly screaming, and who appear to be delirious.

Also known as "Kids React to Hillary Clinton campaign commercials."

Doctor Antony Choy told national channel Panamericana TV: "We don’t understand how this has kept on going on.

Obviously science is helpless in the face of diabolic activity, as you would expect.

"My friends say I was screaming desperately, but I don’t remember much."

Something about not wanting to take that swimming test, everything else is a blur.

Another schoolgirl said she had trouble breathing and was desperately holding her neck as if someone was strangling her. According to her friends, she kept screaming: "Take it out."

When the kinky industrialist vampire is finally destroyed by direct sunlight and becomes a kinky disembodied spirit.

 How do you even work this thing?

Franklin Steiner, a parapsychologist who investigates paranormal and psychic phenomena - said: "It is known that years ago there were many victims of terrorism here. When this school was built, some say bones and dead bodies were found."

Terrorist victims, wise guys, whatever. I think we'll make it an ancient Algonquin burial ground for the movie version, which, of course, will be set in the United States and feature a racially diverse cast of attractive twenty-somethings pretending to be in high school.

Locals believe this is a case of demonic interference, saying some children must have played games that invoke demons such as using a Ouija board.

Demonic interference, fifteen yard penalty, automatic first down. 

A Ouija board is marked with letters and numbers and some use it to communicate with souls of the dead. Many religious organisations have warned against using the boards, saying that they can lead to demonic possession. 

I'm pretty sure the instructions that come with it make that abundantly clear, as well as mentioning the possible choking hazard.

As of yet, there has been no rational or official explanation for the strange phenomenon.

In the absence of this it makes sense to consider the craziest possible solutions.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

No comments:

Post a Comment