News You Can't Use: Terrifying Robot SPIDER Can Roll Up into a Ball and Somersault Towards You

It seems the main purpose of robotic technology is to provide an endless stream of horrors as a prelude to the final rise of the machines and destruction of their human creators. We've got autonomous cars that haven't been programmed to deal with minor things like pedestrians, artificial intelligences that default to creepy laughter and "I must kill all humans" if we turn our backs for even a second or two and now terrifying robo-spiders. Why are we making these things? Honestly, where is the benefit? Oh well, progress and all that.

If you’re not a fan of spiders, you may want to look away now.  

Trigger Warning: mechanized eight-legged freaks.

Scientists from Festo have designed a robotic spider that can walk or roll up into a ball and somersault.

I'm not sure how something with arachnid physiology can "somersault," so it must be assumed that this is code for "launch itself at your face in a homicidal attack."

The robot, dubbed BionicWheelBot, is inspired by the flic-flac spider - a species discovered in the Erg Chebbi desert on the edge of the Sahara in 2008.  

Before you blame us for unleashing this waking nightmare I should remind you that insane Mother Nature was doing it first.

The flic-flac spider can walk like other spiders, but can also also propel itself into the air, with a combined sequence of somersaulting and rolling on the ground.

The plan for next year is a robotic millipede and can fire itself like a disgusting multi-limbed bullet.

This unique movement makes the flic-flac spider ideally adapted to its surroundings.

It's adapted far better than you, you pathetic obsolete meat-sack.

On even ground, the spider is twice as fast in rolling mode than when walking, while on uneven surfaces, it is faster walking normally.

It's still not resistant to a sledgehammer, though. Hint, hint.

This means that in the desert, where both types of terrain can be found, the spider can move safely and efficiently.

Here in the desert we have both kinds of ground, anything you want. 

 You afraid of spiders? You afraid of robot spiders? You afraid of robot spiders in pictures??? Man, you are one scared cat.

To roll, the BionicWheelBot bends three legs each on the left and right of its body to make a wheel. 

This process is unbelievably frightening, sorry we temporary neglected harping on that.

Meanwhile in walking mode, the robot uses all six legs, with the other two folded up.

If two legs are folded up, how can it be using "all" of its legs? I may have found a logical error in an article about spider bots.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Dodger Stadium Flooded with Sewage After Pipe Bursts

Spring is in the air, bringing with it bitter cold, scathing winds that cut to the bone, snow and all the other signs that winter will soon be over. It also means that baseball is back for yet another season of cargo cult reenactments of 19th Century pastoral recreation punctuated by the occasional ball getting mashed by a steroid monster to provide the "excitement" that this amazing sport otherwise has done its best to avoid. However, now it isn't just a "dinger" to wake you up at the ball game, it might be a deluge of foul waste erupting on to the field. Is this some sort of allegory? You can't help but wonder.

A pipe broke at Dodger Stadium Tuesday, flooding the field with sewage and putting a premature end to the final preseason game.

Pitcher holds the ball. Spits. Waits. Looks at first base for awhile. Holds the ball. Here's the pitch. Ball two. It's now one and two. The catcher leisurely throws it back. More waiting. Did I ever tell you the story of how I played in a game that went until 2 am twenty years ago? Really something. Here's the stretch. Steps off the rubber. The manager is coming out. Might be a pitching change. No, I guess not. But wait! Here comes the human waste on the field! It's a flood of pure vileness! The crowd is going wild!

The Dodgers and Angels were facing off in the finale of the preseason Freeway Series when the pipe burst in the bottom of the 5th inning. The Dodgers were up 4-3 at the time.

The real tragedy is now we'll never know who would have "won" an unbelievably meaningless preseason game.

The sewage flooded part of the field. The smell was described as quite powerful as cleanup crews worked to mop up the mess.

If you think your job is hard, imagine being assigned to "mop up" the chunky horror spurting out of a busted sewer pipe.

"It smells really bad, man," one Angels fan in the stands said as he watched the cleanup crew work.

Yeah. I would imagine.

"Look what the Angels brought to us," a Dodgers fan joked in response.

Expect this to be an hilarious joke in the coming remake of "Angels in the Outfield."

Some fans were wondering if it was a bad sign for the season ahead.

As far as omens go it's no dead albatross, but it's not a good sign, either.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION, Part VII

Previously on Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned we traveled (not drove, this is not a commercial vehicle) to Jolly Old England where we witnessed the blind aggression of a totalitarian state, we learned that you can't yell profanity in a public space without consequences, another window got smashed and a hero who wouldn't take off his hat in a courtroom for reasons that were never actually articulated got a ride in a wheelchair and a room in the painted concrete motel. Believe or not, today we're not only going to finish, but we have so little remaining material I'm going to have to throw in a special "bonus" video (lucky you, right?) just to make this an acceptable length (what she said, etc.).

For our final sovereign citizen we're back in Britain and this enemy of the state actually gets the courtesy of a blurred out face, a mercy Mister I Ain't Removing Muh Lid in No Court Room probably now wishes had been granted. It's time to blow into the breathalyzer and instead of citing the Articles of the Confederation or Hammurabi's Code our hero meekly complies. What kind of sovereign citizen is this? Next you'll just give the officer identification without a ten minute argument that concludes with a broken car window and repeated deployments of a taser.

Anyway, our faceless protagonist blows into the tyranny device. Despite the craven compliance just displayed, there's still going to be a ticket for some unknown violation, a state of affairs vigorously disputed by the last free man. The sticking point is it will be written in capital letters, one of the main weapons of the fascist state against us. Once they capitalize you, they can sell your birth certificate to China, if I'm correctly understanding how this outrage functions. We must never allow our names to typed out as "shouting," that's the bottom line.

Our unusually tractable free man casually promises to just take it to the "Supreme Courts" and the officer is all "Fine, sounds great." I'm sure a high court has nothing better to do than review the time this piece of work rolled a stop sign or whatever. On the other hand, our hero starts spouting legal mumbo jumbo and tells the brown shirt he'll owe "3 billion dollars" or "three pots of gold" (it's a cop, not a leprechaun, bro) for this incident. This is more like it. You've have totally redeemed your earlier compliance with this total nonsense.

Traffic violations aren't crimes according to People vs. Battle, laddie.

A voice-over closes us out. I guess this is like a classier continental version of "World's Wildest Police Videos." The traveler mentions appealing to "The Grand Master" and "Queen Victoria," earning what's basically a "Sod off, wanker" from a second officer. I just report this stuff. Some pointless bickering follows (I know, who would have thought) concluding with a claim to be a "shaman" that fails to gain the respect you would expect it to. With this whimper the video ends.

But don't leave yet! There's a totally lame slammin bonus video! Brought to us by someone or something called "Van Balion II," aka "Van the Man," it's one more classic traffic stop. We meet our less than impressive resistor, who is already asking for a badge number. Does that ever help or lead to anything good? My instincts tell me "no" and I'm pretty sure the officer's information will be on the ticket anyway, but on the other hand it antagonizes over-worked civil servants who are there for our protection, so you know it's good.

The tool of the Beast State explains that everything is already being recorded, so there's really no need to commit things to "the record" despite repeated requests. This is followed by a crash course in basic civics while the driver looks away at his recording device, seemingly doing his best to seduce the camera. Again, I just report this, I don't make it up.

Hello there beautiful. I didn't hear you come in.

The officer has clearly already lost all patience with this loser and demands ihnen papiern, bitte. Suffice it to say, this doesn't happen. Instead the last, best hope for a free and civil society again asks if this is "for the record," I guess forgetting those references to "everything is recorded" way back 30 seconds ago. "Are you under the influence?" Truly, angry cop is best cop. Honestly, make the request, repeat it maybe once, then break the window and apply the taser. No one who matters will care if you weren't polite to a fault.

Despite being a little blunt with the lover of liberty and high calorie meals, the officer still falls back into repeatedly asking for the required documents and we spin our wheels some more. It's apparently time to step out of the vehicle as we've gone from a civil offense to a criminal offense. "That's horrible!" If this guy breaks the window with his bare hands he'll officially become the best policeman we've seen in any of these seemingly endless sovereign citizen traffic stop videos.

"Maybe you watch too much T.V.!" Well, that would explain his voluptuous figure, but I think the information highway on the computer is responsible for this particular pathology. This is followed by giving the badge number and even the "commission card." Come on, break the damn window! All this sovereign citizen footage, it really does things to your perception of civil rights, let me tell you.

"I don't see why you're so angry?" Yeah, it really is quite the mystery. With that anti-climax, we're done. I need to get another hobby, this sovereign citizen stuff is not making me a better person.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Burgers Outselling Classic Baguette Sandwiches in France

Forget the baguette. The French are going crazy for burgers.

As your number one source of news from The Hexagon, I'm pleased to report that the long and ugly "Freedom Fries" wars have ended with total victory for the good guys. We've got them eating our unhealthy garbage cuisine. When the time comes for the old "How about some war with Iran? You know, for freedom?" they'll just meekly go along with it as if they were the United Kingdom or something.

Figures released this week revealed that sales of the jambon-beurre – the ham and butter baguette sandwich, a classic of French snacking – have been surpassed by sales of American-style burgers.

In unrelated news, health care costs have exploded.

“Even the Americans are looking at us with wide-eyed amazement,” Bernard Boutboul, general director of Gira Conseil, told The Associated Press.

Honestly, my jaw is on the floor. "Amazement" doesn't seem like nearly a strong enough word for this incredible new revelation.

“Obviously the rise in popularity is not linked to sales at McDonald’s or other fast-food restaurants,” Boutboul said in a phone interview. “It’s due to the growing number of restaurants putting burgers on their menu.”

Before you get crazy ideas about Clown Burger overrunning the City of Lights you should be reminded that it's actually very classy top quality eating establishments were the item in question is called Le Royale Amer-Eee-Cann Steak.

“The French’s favorite sandwich is losing ground, slowly but steadily,” the study said.

You will be converted. All your (le) resistance is futile. International trash culture is unstoppable.

Boutboul said the burger frenzy started about a decade ago after three-star Michelin chef Yannick Alleno, based in Paris, won the New York Times’ award for the best burger in the world.

I'm guessing this guy doesn't cook tires, but what other conclusion remains?

Mon bras gauche pique.

“Despite a rise in the numbers of jambon-beurre consumed this year, long gone are the prosperous years,” the study said. “In 2012, the jambon-beurre market share was 62 percent. It lost more than 11 percent over five years.”

The golden age of the jambon-beurre is truly over. Be happy because it happened, not sad because it's over.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION, Part VI

Last time on Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned we discovered what your upper body would look like if you never did a push-up in your life, we got a convincing argument for banning all immigration, ever, for any reason and the new King of America performed his self-coronation. If that wasn't enough, a diabolic plan to sell our names to China was uncovered and I learned that I'm never going to try to review a video longer than seven minutes or so again, ever, because this has totally consumed my life with no end in sight. Fortunately, I scouted ahead and from here on in we get some classy Old World charm from the British and, as far as I know, being a U.S. American without maps, their neighboring wayward children.

Am I free to go? Am I being detained? Do I have to answer this map question?

Sure enough, our next Free Man expresses outrage over a traffic stop in his distinct Slopeshire accent. This already feels much classier. I bet he's even wearing a shirt. Sadly, the "bobby" is making the universal request for ihnen papiern, bitte and it seems that no amount of appealing to "What law says that?" is going to prove useful for ending this predictable impasse. The authorities, the last hero and his fellow "traveler" (because we're traveling instead of driving, which is a commercial term, I don't know if they're communists) confer independently, each group coming up with a plan of action.

Those plans turn out to be "smash the glass" and "keep acting passive-aggressive and hope that somehow de-escalates the situation, respectively. 

Outrage is expressed as the cruel hands of tyranny mill about listlessly. "Are you gonna put up with this?" This is the question we must all answer, lest our freedom to be a jerk to poorly paid and overworked public servants starts to slip through our fingers. 

In the background a "tyres" truck drives past, confirming that we're across the pond.

"Look at this aggression!" This is immediately followed by shattering glass. Travel 3000 miles and nothing changes. The camera goes black. "Get out!" Addition high-pitched whining follows from The Resistor and the clip abruptly ends.

If you ain't Millwall I'll bash ya, you bleeding wanker.

Looks like we're back in the good old USA for the next clip, as unconfirmed by the ubiquitous obesity and "I flipped off your [fudging] friend." Sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. The officers challenge our hero's right to use "foul language" earning goofy laughter in return. Honestly, after watching a few hours of this stuff I'm ready to vote against due process, a chance we'll hopefully get very soon. 

The Private Citizen only wants to talk to the fascist he "flipped off," I guess under the assumption that this individual would be the most sympathetic, which is totally reasonable. Instead, it's cuffing time and we're already done here. Truly the one that laughs last, laughs best.

Time for more Britain. This time the thrall of the Evil Queen wants "details" and there are no prizes for guessing the response. We then discover that "an act is not a law" which is sheer brilliancy. Arrest is threatened and the man of courage demands a warrant. It's like this guy watched Perry Mason while high on PCP and now thinks he's a legal expert. With no warning whatsoever the window gets smashed. "Shit!"

These sovereign citizens are putting my kids through college! 

There's various mutterings in heavy prole accents that defy interpretation and another enemy of Big Brother gets arrested. I know, who could have predicted this?

Back to America, where a live-action version of Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel refuses to remove his battered NASCAR hat in a court room setting. "Many people consider it disrespectful NOT to wear a hat," explains his equally disheveled buddy, no doubt blowing the minds of "the squares." He then goes on to suggest that the cap-wearing might be religious in nature and who are you, punk, to claim one religion is better than another. Yeah, take that! This is a lot better than complying with a perfectly reasonable request.

Dale Junior is my religion.

Another polite entreaty is, of course, rejected. This is illegal force and a usurpation of my rights. We didn't fight the War Between the States to return home to this kind of treatment. "Treat others as you would want to be treated." Wow, far out. We're going to defeat the hat nazis with the power of LOVE, man. My ratty headgear stays on. I'm a human being full of value.

Time to get arrested. Our lid aficionado refuses to assist in his arrest, just like a scruffy, totally unlikable version of Gandhi.  This leads to a lot of goofy behavior, dutifully recorded on phones by scumbags with massive beer bellies. If you want to "accidentally" hit that button Mr. Putin, I totally understand.

...and I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free...

More references to the Golden Rule fall on the wooden ears of tyranny. I'd let you wear a cap, if the roles were reversed. I'm just saying. The passive resistance continues, ultimately culminating in a wheelchair for the greatest human being currently alive. "What do you plan on doing?" Gee, I wonder. The bony rear end is placed in the seat and additional sarcastic comments are made, because I treat others how I would like to be treated, except when it becomes even the tiniest of burdens. The dirtbag gets rolled off. Godspeed, my true friend, you were too beautiful for this world.

Can you believe we're almost done? Tune in next time for the shocking conclusion of Sovereign Citizens Getting Owned 2 COMPILATION.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Pennsylvania Prison Inmate’s Selfie Sparks Investigation

What Jeffrey Mattox posted on Facebook on Jan. 25 is now under investigation.

What could be causing this? Did he post a political opinion that would have been considered far left in 2007 but is now considered hate thought? A tiger selfie? Mild PG-13 nudity? One of the billions of comments, images or "likes" that is forbidden by our ruling plutocrats? As it turns out, the truth is both much less and so very much more. Okay, it's just less.

The problem is Mattox is a federal inmate housed at Lackawanna County Prison and he is not supposed to have a cell phone.

But how can our worst human beings serve their "dime" without that convenience: "I'm in my cell right now. Meet me in the exercise yard near the jungle gym. Yeah, bring that improvised stabbing device." This punishment is unusual and very cruel.

Yet, he posted the following: “This is 170 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.”

It's hard to get too angry when it's got a Pro Wrestling promo caption. This the body that the women love and the men love...to fear. Cough.

“It’s scary, it’s actually scary because they’re in there for a reason, they’re not in there to play around and how that cell phone got in there, that is the question,” said Colleen Mowery of Carbondale.

Well, I don't know. Maybe Angry Birds is teaching them the ultimate destructive futility of uncontrolled emotions and that one where you crush the candy is good for instilling useful job skills or something.

Mattox posted other pictures of himself, which appear to be snapped inside the prison.

Yeah. One would assume, what with the incarceration and all.

Mattox, who is locked up on drug and assault charges, regularly chatted with friends and family here, telling them to call him or even video chat.

Another non-violent drug offender wrongly imprisoned by a corrupt system. Wait, what did you say the other crime was? Oh.

Thick, solid and tight here in the jug.

This is the latest scandal to hit the Lackawanna County Prison.

Wow, it's almost like putting humans in cages doesn't fix anything.

“I think he’s in good with the guards and guards are bringing, the ones bringing the stuff in, that’s the only way it’s getting in there. Just got to tighten down the security with the guards, maybe clean house,” said Todd Mowery of Carbondale.

This clearly unrehearsed, rambling statement raises many excellent points.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner   

Apparently there are no mirrors in prison! 

I’m 61 years old and I look in waaaaay better shape than that criminal.

The solution is simple: cheap and easy ‘blocking’ technology could be easily installed.

Sadly, Jail and prison guards are not paid a decent wage and a small percentage of them lose their moral compass and offset their low pay with contraband like cell phones and even drugs.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Madness of Daylight Saving Time Endures

It sure is exciting to control time. This Saturday I'll press a button on my 1979 clock radio and an entire hour will simply vanish, sixty minutes of "live life to its fullest by running through fields and hang-gliding" eradicated in a single act of human will gone insane. Hard as it is to believe, there are some dissenters to the world's lamest version of time travel and in the interest of being fair and balanced we must give the other side equal time. At least until a New York businessman hits the scene and that whole idea gets thrown out the window.

One hundred years after Congress passed the first daylight saving legislation, lawmakers in Florida this week passed the “Sunshine Protection Act,” which will make daylight saving a year-round reality in the Sunshine State.

We will protect our precious vanishing sunlight. We stopped those Plan Nine aliens by punching them in the face and we'll stop any naysayers to this latest ill-conceived solar strategy, too.

If approved by the federal government, this will effectively move Florida’s residents one time zone to the east, aligning cities from Jacksonville to Miami with Nova Scotia rather than New York and Washington, D.C.

It took me forever to fully parse this bizarre information and when I finally did I wept for the future.

The cost of rescheduling international and interstate business and commerce hasn’t been calculated. 

The client is losing a billion dollars a second! Etc.

Instead, relying on the same overly optimistic math that led the original proponents of daylight saving to predict vast energy savings, crisper farm products harvested before the morning dew dried and lessened eye strain for industrial workers, Florida legislators are lauding the benefits of putting “more sunshine in our lives.”

In optimistic math 0.5 is halfway to one and not halfway to zero.

It’s absurd – and fitting – that a century later, opponents and supporters of daylight saving are still not sure exactly what it does.

Fudging clocks, how do they work?

Despite its name, daylight saving has never saved anyone anything.

It's all a lie! A lie! *is restrained by government thugs*

For centuries people set their clocks and watches by looking up at the sun and estimating, which yielded wildly dissimilar results between (and often within) cities and towns.

Well, sure looks like noon. Consider it official.

In 1883, the economic clout of the railroads allowed them to replace sun time with standard time with no legislative assistance and little public opposition.

It's because of "interesting" stories like these that the History Channel has switched to an "all aliens, all the time" format.

All my distant acquaintances on social media are gonna love this, haw, haw, haw.

While proponents argued that shoving clocks ahead during summer months would reduce energy consumption and encourage outdoor recreation, the opposition won out. 

I'm shoving clocks. You better stay out of my way unless you want some too, punk.

Then, in 1916, Germany suddenly adopted the British idea in hopes of conserving energy for its war effort.

You convinced me it was a good idea by appealing to the wartime policies of the Central Powers.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Daylight savings time? Yeah, it provides more sunlight at the end of the day but so what?

Circadian clocks are not something you want to mess around with.  

Oh no! Scary dark! Sounds like you've experienced lots of hardships in your life what with your "work" and all. 

Anything that Massachusetts supports should be defeated soundly.

You do realize that no matter what time you set your clock to that there are only so many daylight hours each day, don't you? Of course you dont because you are an idiot

These stupid humans. 

Daylight savings is a product of the devil and must be stabbed through it's black heart until dead and stacked to the ground to never again rise.
 

Arizona is the only sane state in the union. 

When the change occurred in 1966, I didn't get my homework done and blamed it on Congress.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola Breaks 130-year-old Tradition with First Alcoholic Drink

As you sit on a ruined couch gasping for breath behind multiple sweating rolls of adipose tissue resulting from, among other things, high fructose corn syrup beverages, you're probably wondering if the soda jerks could possibly destroy your life at a faster rate. The good news is "yes," with the addition of a secret ingredient that isn't well understood but has been linked to slurred speech, "wooing" and puking into dumpsters. This so-called "mixed drink" has apparently never been attempted before and as such here's an article all about it.

With its iconic red label and secret recipe, it’s been one of the world’s most famous soft drinks for more than a century. Now, however, Coca-Cola is on the brink of a new chapter – with plans to launch its first alcoholic drink.

Writing the first paragraph is always the hardest, as evidenced by the respective drivel produced by both your humble blogger and the author of this amazing bit of fraud news. Yes, everything is "iconic." We can now through that word on the scrap heap with all the other ones we've ruined like "epic," "literally," "justice" and all the rest.

The company is currently experimenting with the creation of a popular type of Japanese alcopop known as Chu-Hi, containing distilled shochu alcohol mixed with flavoured carbonate water.

That wild Japanese culture. Soda and alcohol? It sounds crazy and alien, but I could actually see it working, maybe.

The low alcohol canned drink will be launched in Japan, home to a thriving if competitive industry, with countless Chu-Hi flavoured drinks – from kiwi to yuzu - sitting on convenience store shelves across the country.

I just have a hard time imagining the polite and clean Land of the Rising Sun convenience stores.

Highlighting how “unique” this venture was for the company, Mr Garduño, who did not specify a timeline for the new product, added: “Coca-Cola has always focused entirely on non-alcoholic beverages, and this is a modest experiment for a specific slice of our market.

I guess as long as we keep it safe in sarcasm quotes the word "unique" will continue to retain its original meaning. 

“The Chu-Hi category is found almost exclusively in Japan. Globally, it’s not uncommon for non-alcoholic beverages to be sold in the same system as alcoholic beverages. It makes sense to give this a try in our market.”

Me like make money. Give me money. This is bliss.

Coca-Cola’s inaugural foray into the world of alcoholic beverages takes place more than 130 years after the original drink was first launched in the US, minus any alcohol in order to circumvent restrictive prohibition laws.

Because historical illiteracy is kewl!

It coincides with shrinking global demand for soft fizzy drinks, due to health concerns relating to sugar consumption, with sports drinks and water emerging as Coca-Cola’s strongest performing beverages.

The struggles of the world's best writers: "What's another word for soda?" After an hour pouring over the Thesaurus the best I could manage was "fizzy drinks."

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

Meanwhile, Japan’s alcopop market has grown expansively since the country’s first ready-to-drink Chu-Hi product for stores – called hiLicky - was reportedly released in 1983, with young women fuelling sales. 

This allegedly came out in 1983, we are told.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

There are entire towns in south MN that do not carry Coke.

Truly pathetic comment - is your name ‘chickin lickin’ by any chance?

The flavoring agent goes to make Coke and the cocaine goes to a St Louis Company that purifies it for medicinal purposes and sells it to doctors, dentists, etc.

Similar disgust as Bi chew from China. Shows Coke are finally losing the plot. Warren Buffet should pull his investments

Well no-one's forcing you to drink it. It's a Japanese thing

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Elementary School Pilot Program Replaces Detention With Yoga

Faced with the growing problem of our grammar schools becoming white line nightmares we've been offered two excellent solutions to chose from: a .44 magnum concealed in every instructor's lesson plan or hippie nonsense that's so obviously wrong it can't get even get a fair hearing. When making the movie "Class of 1984" a reality is considered a superior option to whatever pedagogical techniques you're hocking it might be time to pack it in, but I'm nothing if not fair and balanced so let's take a look.

A special grant from Denver Public Schools has allowed Doull Elementary to pilot a program where they trade out detention for Yoga.

Once they see that we have no power to actually punish the pathology and we're even willing to reward it, they're bound to become respectful good citizens.

“I teach children the practice of yoga and meditation,” said Trinidad Heffron.

I was a troubled youth who was put on the right path by a midnight yoga league.

For Miss Triny, as the kids call her, and for the school, this is about reevaluating the way they discipline, not taking it easy on the kids.

In my delusional mind this is all very defensible.

“Yoga and meditation, they’re not necessarily an easy practice. I would say it’s challenging, but useful,” said Heffron.
 
The ability to perform a heavily watered-down version of Hindu mysticism is what most employers are looking for.

“What’s more important? Punishing kids for a mistake they made or teaching them some skills that they can actually use in life to not make the same mistakes again,” said school psychologist Carly Graeber.

Hey, another false dichotomy!

“You can do yoga and you can practice yoga anywhere, any time and maybe when they are riding a bike, they can take deep breath and go, ‘Oh, I’m using my yoga breath,” said Heffron.

We're teaching you how to breathe. Look out, China.

I thought we'd be doing "Greatest of all Time" yoga, not this.

“Math and reading and science and social studies are all so important to us here, but also we’re really in the business of teaching kids social and emotional skills that they can use for their lives, so how to solve problems, how to deal with complicated feelings and things like that,” said Graeber.

We haven't completely given up, honest.

And so every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 3pm you’ll find the kids at detention, practicing mindfulness and hopefully learning how to stay out of trouble. 

My awesome hoping powers should fix everything.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.