News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola Breaks 130-year-old Tradition with First Alcoholic Drink

As you sit on a ruined couch gasping for breath behind multiple sweating rolls of adipose tissue resulting from, among other things, high fructose corn syrup beverages, you're probably wondering if the soda jerks could possibly destroy your life at a faster rate. The good news is "yes," with the addition of a secret ingredient that isn't well understood but has been linked to slurred speech, "wooing" and puking into dumpsters. This so-called "mixed drink" has apparently never been attempted before and as such here's an article all about it.

With its iconic red label and secret recipe, it’s been one of the world’s most famous soft drinks for more than a century. Now, however, Coca-Cola is on the brink of a new chapter – with plans to launch its first alcoholic drink.

Writing the first paragraph is always the hardest, as evidenced by the respective drivel produced by both your humble blogger and the author of this amazing bit of fraud news. Yes, everything is "iconic." We can now through that word on the scrap heap with all the other ones we've ruined like "epic," "literally," "justice" and all the rest.

The company is currently experimenting with the creation of a popular type of Japanese alcopop known as Chu-Hi, containing distilled shochu alcohol mixed with flavoured carbonate water.

That wild Japanese culture. Soda and alcohol? It sounds crazy and alien, but I could actually see it working, maybe.

The low alcohol canned drink will be launched in Japan, home to a thriving if competitive industry, with countless Chu-Hi flavoured drinks – from kiwi to yuzu - sitting on convenience store shelves across the country.

I just have a hard time imagining the polite and clean Land of the Rising Sun convenience stores.

Highlighting how “unique” this venture was for the company, Mr Garduño, who did not specify a timeline for the new product, added: “Coca-Cola has always focused entirely on non-alcoholic beverages, and this is a modest experiment for a specific slice of our market.

I guess as long as we keep it safe in sarcasm quotes the word "unique" will continue to retain its original meaning. 

“The Chu-Hi category is found almost exclusively in Japan. Globally, it’s not uncommon for non-alcoholic beverages to be sold in the same system as alcoholic beverages. It makes sense to give this a try in our market.”

Me like make money. Give me money. This is bliss.

Coca-Cola’s inaugural foray into the world of alcoholic beverages takes place more than 130 years after the original drink was first launched in the US, minus any alcohol in order to circumvent restrictive prohibition laws.

Because historical illiteracy is kewl!

It coincides with shrinking global demand for soft fizzy drinks, due to health concerns relating to sugar consumption, with sports drinks and water emerging as Coca-Cola’s strongest performing beverages.

The struggles of the world's best writers: "What's another word for soda?" After an hour pouring over the Thesaurus the best I could manage was "fizzy drinks."

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

Meanwhile, Japan’s alcopop market has grown expansively since the country’s first ready-to-drink Chu-Hi product for stores – called hiLicky - was reportedly released in 1983, with young women fuelling sales. 

This allegedly came out in 1983, we are told.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

There are entire towns in south MN that do not carry Coke.

Truly pathetic comment - is your name ‘chickin lickin’ by any chance?

The flavoring agent goes to make Coke and the cocaine goes to a St Louis Company that purifies it for medicinal purposes and sells it to doctors, dentists, etc.

Similar disgust as Bi chew from China. Shows Coke are finally losing the plot. Warren Buffet should pull his investments

Well no-one's forcing you to drink it. It's a Japanese thing

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Lonely Japanese Man Who Amassed a SIX-TON Pile of Dirty Magazines Died When it Collapsed on Top of Him

What is the best death? Slipping away painlessly in your sleep? Sacrificing yourself for some noble cause? Passing into your reward fully contented, surrounded by family and loved ones? I'm not sure I know the answer, but I can tell you what isn't: being crushed to death under your "I only read the articles" onanism collection and not being found for six months because literally no one noticed you were entombed beneath a mountain of aspiring actresses, tasteful celebrity skin and tips on fashion and stereo systems.

A lonely Japanese man who amassed more than six tons of porn died when a huge pile of magazines fell on top of him.

Dying by wacky misadventure is bad enough, you don't have to add forever alone and a strategic self-abuse reserve to the equation.

And even more tragically, the man's body was only discovered six months later when the landlord entered the flat to find out why the rent had not been paid.

If you think no one cares about your existence and you don't matter at all, try missing a few payments.

The man's lowly death was revealed by a member of the cleaning team, who said his company had been hired to remove the magazines discreetly in a way that would not be noticed by neighbours and the man's family to save them from the shame.

There's no reason anyone has to commit seppuku over this, we'll discretely remove all the men's lifestyle "reading" material over a period of several weeks.

It was unclear if he had suffered a heart attack and fallen into the stacks of magazines which had then fallen on top of him, or whether he had been crushed by the mass of paper. 

It's stuff like this that makes me wish "Unsolved Mysteries" would come back on the air, but then I remember all the "First I'm gonna rob you, then I'm gonna kill you" stories it liked to feature and I'm glad it's gone.

But the cleaner said that if he was still conscious, the paper would probably have muffled his cries.
 
I just love all these CSI: Miami details, it really adds to the overall experience of "friendless and dateless pervert suffers ironic demise."

There were also clippings from erotic magazines where it appeared the man had cut out his favourite articles, and thrown away the rest of the magazine. 

LOL, articles. Now it feels like we're both riffing on this profoundly depressing tragedy.

 You actually can judge this by the cover.

Despite his trimming, at the time of his death the collection weighed in at six metric tons (13,228 pounds).  

What we do in this life echoes in eternity.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

STILL NO MENTION ON THE BBC UNLIKE THE ANTI TRUMP PROTEST PTITION WHICH THEY SO OBVIOUSLY SUPPORTED AND PROMOTED

play the Sailor Moon Theme Song at his wedding

When they found him he was stiff as a board.

Guess he didnt have an internet connection

No "happy ending" to this story.

He did the right thing, real women are just too much trouble, fantasy is better.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Watching Too Much TV Can Kill You, Researchers Warn

I'm still patiently waiting for "Gattaca: The Series" but until that great and glorious day I'll just have to settle for endless hours staring at the glowing cube watching "The Fifties Show" and "The Prison Hour" or whatever other creative excellence falls like heavenly mana upon the pixel viewer. It must be healthy, too, right? Surprisingly, we are now being told by lying scientists that endless moron box sessions might actually have fatal consequences. Yes, your living room might be as dangerous as the bathroom and bedroom.

People who spend hours bingeing on television shows run the risk of suffering a fatal pulmonary embolism, according to a major new study of more than 86,000 people tracked over 18 years.

I know exactly what that is because I watched all fourteen seasons of "Emergency Room" over a single lost weekend and then died.

Pulmonary embolism is a blockage in the artery that carries blood from the heart to the lungs, and is usually caused by a blood clot formed in a vein in the leg. 

Whoa, slow down there egghead. Blood? Veins? Clotting? I'm a television viewer, please use language I can understand, i.e. grunts, exaggerated gestures and commercial jingles.

Up to 60,000 people die as a result of pulmonary embolism each year in Britain.

Right, that's extra, innit. Dodgy and cheeky numbers, mate.

Those who indulge in marathon TV sessions should take the same precautions against developing deadly blood clots as they would on a long-distance flight, warns the research, which was presented at the European Society of Cardiology conference in London.

Your fifty hour marathon of "Bi-curious Medieval Fantasy" is similar to a solo flight across the Atlantic, just a million times more pathetic.

It is the first study into the links between prolonged television watching and fatal pulmonary embolism.

Most of the other studies link it to idiocy, life failure, social retardation, etc.

A boom in online television services in recent years has allowed people to download and watch entire series of shows such as Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Orange is the New Black in one sitting.

More like Game of Battered Couches, Breaking Waistlines and Sick is the New Healthy.

And the danger of having a fatal pulmonary embolism is even higher among those between 40 and 59 who watch more than five hours daily.

A fifty-year-old who binge watches television, the sure sign of a healthy society.

The research, funded by the Japanese government, looked at 36,007 men and 50,017 women aged between 40 and 79.

Could Netflix be used to destroy Godzilla? Yes, apparently.

I watched all ten seasons of "Ow! My Balls!" with no breaks.

The risks of watching television were calculated after adjusting for other factors such as a history of hypertension or diabetes, smoking, drinking, and body mass index. 

Practically anything fun will end you, not just the glass toilet.

Professor Stephen Spiro, honorary medical adviser at the British Lung Foundation, said: “Staying seated for hours without moving in front of a television or a computer can be potentially dangerous – the same goes for long car journeys and flights.

I guess "Sitting Can Kill You!" was too alarmist of a headline and we do love to pick on the vast wasteland.

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

Now after watching and entire series of Tolkein for dummies, we can all go to the Gym and do the Hampster and enjoy a Starbucks on the way home to prevent the side effects of binge watching.

It will definitely turn you into an idiot.

It'll kill you all right... you'll die of boredom!

Those deaths could have been prevented. if they had been watching reruns of Benny Hill at the time of their death.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha AZIFF!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.