Sunday, August 30, 2015

News You Can't Use: Watching Too Much TV Can Kill You, Researchers Warn

I'm still patiently waiting for "Gattaca: The Series" but until that great and glorious day I'll just have to settle for endless hours staring at the glowing cube watching "The Fifties Show" and "The Prison Hour" or whatever other creative excellence falls like heavenly mana upon the pixel viewer. It must be healthy, too, right? Surprisingly, we are now being told by lying scientists that endless moron box sessions might actually have fatal consequences. Yes, your living room might be as dangerous as the bathroom and bedroom.

People who spend hours bingeing on television shows run the risk of suffering a fatal pulmonary embolism, according to a major new study of more than 86,000 people tracked over 18 years.

I know exactly what that is because I watched all fourteen seasons of "Emergency Room" over a single lost weekend and then died.

Pulmonary embolism is a blockage in the artery that carries blood from the heart to the lungs, and is usually caused by a blood clot formed in a vein in the leg. 

Whoa, slow down there egghead. Blood? Veins? Clotting? I'm a television viewer, please use language I can understand, i.e. grunts, exaggerated gestures and commercial jingles.

Up to 60,000 people die as a result of pulmonary embolism each year in Britain.

Right, that's extra, innit. Dodgy and cheeky numbers, mate.

Those who indulge in marathon TV sessions should take the same precautions against developing deadly blood clots as they would on a long-distance flight, warns the research, which was presented at the European Society of Cardiology conference in London.

Your fifty hour marathon of "Bi-curious Medieval Fantasy" is similar to a solo flight across the Atlantic, just a million times more pathetic.

It is the first study into the links between prolonged television watching and fatal pulmonary embolism.

Most of the other studies link it to idiocy, life failure, social retardation, etc.

A boom in online television services in recent years has allowed people to download and watch entire series of shows such as Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad and Orange is the New Black in one sitting.

More like Game of Battered Couches, Breaking Waistlines and Sick is the New Healthy.

And the danger of having a fatal pulmonary embolism is even higher among those between 40 and 59 who watch more than five hours daily.

A fifty-year-old who binge watches television, the sure sign of a healthy society.

The research, funded by the Japanese government, looked at 36,007 men and 50,017 women aged between 40 and 79.

Could Netflix be used to destroy Godzilla? Yes, apparently.

I watched all ten seasons of "Ow! My Balls!" with no breaks.

The risks of watching television were calculated after adjusting for other factors such as a history of hypertension or diabetes, smoking, drinking, and body mass index. 

Practically anything fun will end you, not just the glass toilet.

Professor Stephen Spiro, honorary medical adviser at the British Lung Foundation, said: “Staying seated for hours without moving in front of a television or a computer can be potentially dangerous – the same goes for long car journeys and flights.

I guess "Sitting Can Kill You!" was too alarmist of a headline and we do love to pick on the vast wasteland.

Komment Korner  

Now after watching and entire series of Tolkein for dummies, we can all go to the Gym and do the Hampster and enjoy a Starbucks on the way home to prevent the side effects of binge watching.

It will definitely turn you into an idiot.

It'll kill you all right... you'll die of boredom!

Those deaths could have been prevented. if they had been watching reruns of Benny Hill at the time of their death.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha AZIFF!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

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