Wednesday, August 19, 2015

News You Can't Use: Tim Tebow Breaks Up Fight At Practice

It's almost time for football and the exciting elevator incidents, butt destruction, balls with insufficient air (or too much!) and the general malfunction we've come to expect from the drug-free role models that pretend to be from our city for a few weeks in the fall. But wait, there is a tiny minority of American Eggball players that aren't total and complete human garbage! What about that guy who prays or whatever, am I right? Can we have more stories about Johnny Whatshisname or whatever it is, please? People love it, and the inability to master the fundamentals of the Quarterback position means nothing in the face of positivity and the big money in ad revenue it brings.

Leave it to Tim Tebow to play peacemaker!

On tonight's episode of "Leave it to Tebow."

"Ward, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Tebow?"

"No, June. He turned around a derelict team and made a clutch play that won a playoff game, we have to make a concentrated effort to drive him out of football forever."

"But honey, now they have horrific videos of players running amok."

"Maybe you're right dear. He can play third string somewhere."

Tebow broke up a fight during the first of three consecutive days of joint practices between the Eagles and Ravens.

Wait, what? I think we're missing the real story here in our rush to point to the fact that not all behavior from NFL players involves violent sociopathy. These two bitter rivals are practicing together? Sharing their secret tactics? For three whole days? Man, gridiron is dead to me. I'm tossing out my "Go Green, Beat Other Shade of Green" shirt, it doesn't mean anything in light of this shocking revelation.

According to multiple reports, there was a small clash between some of the Ravens and Eagles backups on Wednesday. 

Please ignore the fact that we use the same words to describe wars in the Middle East where thousands die.

However, that ended quickly when Tebow came to the rescue.

We need more eyeballs looking at our poorly designed and ad-riddled web page so: Tebow, Tebow, TEBOW, TEBOW!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneone

He's got a great chance to be assistant clipboard holder.

Tebow and the Eagles host the Ravens on Saturday night during a preseason clash.  

I guess then they'll pretend to hate each other and ignore the fact that they've been working together, just like in Professional Wrestling. 

Do not visit the ad-riddled source.

Komment Korner   

Did he use the jawbone of an ass or was Gino Smith not there?

I wish more people were like this guy.


The NFL has turned into nothing more than a bunch of thugs!

I'd have more faith in him negotiating a treaty with Iran than Kerry.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

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