Sunday, January 29, 2017

News You Can't Use: 2 Ran Drug Operation Through NH Burger

How about a story highlighting the unbelievably banal adventures of the world's dumbest criminals? Honestly, this one is amazing, featuring human units who were able to parlay a fast food job ($15 an hour, make it happen socialism!) into time behind bars via attempting to provide a product that can cure all diseases and makes excellent rope, only to run afoul of the law, so-called. An effort to turn a Burger King into the Netherlands version, or at least what I would imagine because I didn't go to a Burger King there, ends in predictable disaster. There's probably some sort of lesson in all this, but you're really bringing me down, man.

Police said they managed to bag a pair of street-level drug dealers using a local fast food drive through to sell marijuana.

I'm sure you feel a lot safer now and rightly so.

Epping Police Chief Mike Wallace said Thursday that Raymond residents Garrett Norris, 20, and Meagan Dearborn, 19, were arrested Saturday after police were tipped off to the drug operation using the Burger King restaurant drive-through window.

Time for some of that "free college" for generation nothing. Or at least you can pretend it's college, I'm sure there's a library or whatever in the prison.

"We obtained enough evidence that pointed to the employee, Norris, was selling marijuana though the drive-through. It was substantiated with the with sting operation. We went in later that evening and arrested him and the shift manager," said Wallace.

This arrest cost taxpayers thousands of dollars, but at least the Devil Plant has been temporarily inconvenienced.

Wallace said buyers would arrive at the restaurant and ask for "Nasty Boy." "Once it was verified he was working they had to ask for their fries extra crispy." Money was exchanged at the drive-through window.

I feel a song coming on.
Gimme a beat!

Sittin' in the drive-thru line, thinkin' nasty thoughts, huh
Better be crispy fries or you turn me off, huh
That's right,
a-let me exchange money

Nasty Nasty boys, don't mean a thing, huh
Oh you nasty boys
Nasty Nasty boys, don't ever change, huh
Oh you nasty boys!

The drugs were not put with any food ordered but were sold in a separate container.

That Big King made you hallucinate because the mystery sauce (what could it possibly be???) had turned rancid, not because it had Satan's hair in it.

We always heard rumors that employees were selling illicit drugs through some fast food restaurants. It was never substantiated until Saturday night."

Sherlock Holmes versus the Evil Professor this ain't.

Police say the operation did not involve the franchise owners and was restricted to the two employees arrested.

No one who isn't poor will be punished, don't worry.

Norris was charged with possession of a controlled drug with intent to distribute. Dearborn was charged with conspiracy to distribute a controlled drug. She also faces charges of unlawful possession of alcohol.

My life can't get any worse, I'm working in fast food. Wrong.

Komment Korner  

I just spit my oatmeal

Money from a national , big name business, is usually the goal

There is still no Amendment to US Constitution making any drug illegal.

I love how the cops assume she was part of it

What a Whopper of a story!

The actual food they sell causes people to actually get sick and die

Well they do say, "Have it your way."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Saturday, January 21, 2017

DotTeeVee: Liberal Protester screams in agony as Trump sworn in

What happens when the "everybody gets a trophy" set encounters something that the rest of us call "reality?" The short answer is, of course, hilarity. The marginally longer answer is a video that completely encapsulates the generation nothing experience in twenty-six amazing seconds. You didn't get your way, so now it's time to lose with dignity (dignity optional). It's time to literally shake, fail miserably to "even" and reenact a scene from George Lucas space film onanism.

Today's amazing video takes place at the inauguration of our 45th President. Yes, Donald Trump has been President for less than twenty-four hours and we're already getting human-shaped memes. In light of this, maybe it is actually possible to get tired of winning. The video opens with the historic announcement while a blob of progressive protoplasm responds by screaming "Nooooo!!!!" like this is an episode of Walker: Texas Ranger and you just witnessed your only child brutally murdered by Kung Fu using druggers. This primal yell is followed by the classic head drop. In five seconds of footage you've learned almost everything you need to know about modern America.

We drive on the right side of the road here. Now your education is complete.

The video isn't, of course, as there's another mournful howl from our androgynous millennial, followed by what looks like a pose Jimi Hendrix might do on stage while burning a guitar. It's really bizarre stuff, as both hands form devil horns and/or go Texas University gestures while the impotent howling continues. This is our nation's future.

  Metallica rules!

The camera awkwardly pans back to the row of protestors behind this performance artist and sadly they're much more sedate than the last line of resistance to American Fascism currently having a tantrum in front of them. On the other hand we do get to see an older True Believer with a "Try Trump for Treason" (???) sign. I wonder what goes through the mind of someone old enough to know better when they realize they've thrown in with emotionally incontinent and terminally ignorant youth. The most probable answer is "nothing at all," but I like to pretend something more is occurring, out of a bizarre sense of respecting my elders, no matter how comical their behavior.

Another person is holding a sign that says "Worst Swamp Ever," presumably meant to be read in a Comic Book Guy voice. I'm not even sure what that's supposed to mean in this context, but the meltdown is continuing and demands our returned attention.

Too much idiocy for one hand.

Another head drop, nearly a head plummet this time, and we're done. I guess we should just be happy you didn't break any windows. Best of luck when you return to student loan day care, you're going to need it.

Komment Korner  

My only wish in life is to fly a plane over these anti-Trump protests and air drop McDonald's applications.

Sergeant Toasty This is a Republic.


Reminds me of the 4 year olds you see in the candy aisle after their parents told them no.

Wow last time the democrats reacted like this is when the republicans freed there slaves

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

News You Can't Use: Scientists Want to Bring Back Extinct Caspian Tiger

It's hard out there for a tiger. Your life revolves around eating your own young, eating other animal's young and the dream of getting a taste of hairless walking ape. Then throw in Tiger selfies from "gym and tanning" scumbags, vanishing ecosystems and humiliating cereal and college sports mascots and disaster, even extinction, soon follows. That's not even the end of the story. It appears scientists are taking a break from lying about magnetic effects to engage in their other favorite activity: playing God with disastrous results, e.g. swarms of deadly bees or evangelical atheist conventions. Can these charlatans save a vanishing tiger population, or is this just the first act of another horrible 1970s "nature run amok because of the hubris of humanity" movie. You can probably guess which one I'll be wagering on.

They were once one of the world's largest tigers.

As opposed to those miniature ones owned by Russian oligarchs.

Until recently, the tigers roamed Central Asia, from the Caspian Sea to north-west China, before struggles that included loss of habitat robbed them of their prey.

Silk Road wasteland nearly devoid of humanity somehow becomes hostile to animals. How are we gonna blame this one on oil companies, internal combustion and the flush toilet?

Ever since Caspian tigers disappeared, biologists and conservationists have tried to come up with a strategy to bring tigers back to Central Asia.

So far dressing up dogs like a Chinese zoo exhibit is their best plan.

It's not clear exactly when the Caspian tiger died out.

I sure don't know, so stop asking.

Between 2010 and 2012, scientists conducted studies that showed that Caspian and Amur tigers were almost identical in their genetic structure.

Two types of tigers are similar, great job science. I can't believe it's not Amur!

Scientists now want to reintroduce tigers in Central Asia using Amur tigers from the Russian Far East.

I feel really cheated by this big reveal after the title promised us some Jurassic Park style shenanigans.

Researchers from the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and State University of New York (SUNY) say they have found two spots in Kazakhstan to reintroduce the extinct enormous cat.

Local peasantry is less than thrilled, but these guys defeated Pro Wrestling dirtballs, what chance do you have?

Experts have been discussing the plans for nearly 10 years, explained study co-author Mikhail Paltsyn, of SUNY, in a statement.

We just threw in this embarrassing detail so you'd feel better about your own procrastination, laziness and failure.

The species would also need hooved-animals to prey upon and numbers of these in the area are still low.

I've got the solution! More discussions!

This is predicted to take at least 15 years.

Check back in 2032, I'll be sure to update this to tell you what happened.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, January 15, 2017

Twistaplot #2 The Train of Terror

Well, the breaks between these aren't getting any shorter, but I still vaguely remember the anthropological expedition that turned into an intense crime drama. In an amazing bit of synchronicity or perhaps mere coincidence today's subject is by the same author, but represents the always disappointing Twist-a-Plot series. I've finally been able to acquire some of the harder to get entries to that series, including this one, so the dream of finishing at least one small portion of this pointless and tepid nostalgia dive is beginning to take shape. I sure look forward to the bitter weeping that will come immediately after all these books have been painstakingly and thoroughly chronicled in this, the best of all possible web-logs, but there's no time for that, we've got a train to catch.

  Night train to Chernobyl.

The cover implies some sort of supernatural thriller or at least a jump-scare fest, but this impression seems at odds with the banal introduction. Instead of a wacky Uncle we get a wacky Aunt, which I imagine is both the beginning and end of the innovation we'll seeing. Anyway, this second-level blood relative will be entertaining my ungrateful self in Idaho over the summer and my dear old mum is packing me on the train to the potato zone. I dodge a goodbye kiss, which is more teenage behavior (Idaho? Yuck, so lame. Everything is boring. Etc.) than what you'd expect from the child avatar typical of these books, but no time to dwell on that minimalist characterization. I take note of a "beautiful blonde lady" with a pet carrier (the radioactive toolbox from the cover, I guess) and a bald, facially scarred Hard Man. I'm guessing they will be important and, sure enough, my first choice is which of these two to sit next to. Alfred Hitchcock this shit ain't.

Murder exchange! Dramatic tennis! Seriously, it's really good.

I decide not to sit next to the character the book describes as "scar face" because I really don't want to see his little friend and hopefully this will be the last I see of a bad guy like that. Then, just after settling in with the more aesthetically pleasing option I promptly drop my lunch, which sounds like slang for the yellow yawn but is actually the bag itself in this case. Miss Pet Carrier commands me not to pick it up, because that's normal behavior, but I don't need to listen to your rules, man.

More messing up promptly follows, as the bag tears open and now I'm reducing to choosing which part of the noon meal to retrieve. Riveting choices, high stakes, pulse-pounding terror, yeah this book is delivering big time. Maybe get those sunflower seeds, before they scatter. Honestly, seeds? You're not a minor league outfielder, kid.

Most of them should get in my gaping maw.

Of course I make a botch of this, too. While groping blindly for the big league cheek-packers I instead pull the pet carrier open. This entire plot line is just a series of blunders. If I wasn't so physically maladroit there would be no story. I'm starting to suspect the "aunt" I was promised doesn't actually exist and instead this train is taking me to a special camp for the chronically uncoordinated. Once there, a combination of endless ridicule, harsh punishments and campfire songs will cure my all thumbs disorder, at least if the brochure my parents told me was "nothing, dear" is to be believed.

I decide to peek into the pet carrier. Honestly, I already opened it, might as well have some desert with my dinner.

As you probably guessed, it's a giant snake and I'm promptly bitten. It then slithers off and I presume now is the time to admit that I've already had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this money-flying train.

  Don't expect a two disc Criterion special edition of this one any time soon.

The lady offers a pill that is "antivenom" and even forces it into my mouth. That was probably a wise decision in light of the physical prowess I've displayed up to this point. The next choice is, and I'm not even joking, whether to spit or swallow. Yeah. This is what we've been reduced to. What else can even be said? What could follow this? Is this pile of garbage going to talk about my little league career and ask if I was the catcher or the pitcher? Good grief. 

I swallow. The lifesaving medicine, that is.

The next choice is whether to go to the rear or not. Yes.

It turns out the pill was indeed lifesaving and the woman is now super friendly for some reason. Faced with this sudden and incongruous warmth I volunteer to go track down the loose reptile and this is when it's time to go to the, ahem, rear.

Of the train.

That line is also suggestive.

Can the next paragraph have a "The End" under it? Please?

Anyway, off to the rear. No snake anywhere. Would I like to "get down on the floor." Sure.

The snake "zaps you one more time between the eyes" and I guess this is fatal, even though I just took an antidote pill and it's probably still in my system. Whatever, at least the painful run of innuendos is over. As I die I wonder if I made my bed, because that's a good final thought before the horrific confrontation with eternity and with that we're done.

I did not enjoy this book.

It looks like it just told a joke and is waiting for your reaction.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

News You Can't Use: Feeling Out Of Sorts? It Might Be Something In Your Salad

I don't think I've ever seen a thin person drinking a "diet" soda and encounters with healthy salad-lovers are possibly even more rare. You might think this is because the green leaves lack any of the basic nutrients required to sustain the human organism and the person is slowly wasting away, but it turns out that's wrong. It's actually copper. Despite removing this most poisonous of metals from our pennies and no doubt saving millions of lives in the process it has returned, lurking inside fad starvation diet "super foods." This is what's actually causing your vegan "friends" to look half-dead and to be unable to shut up about their preferences in stomach filler.

Kale, coconuts, and avocados could be bad for you.

Better stick with lots of swine products, where at least we know for sure how it will ruin your life and don't have to engage in any speculation.

Experts say there’s something metallic lurking in those foods, in our water, and elsewhere that could be making us feel miserable.

Could it be that the tin-foil hat community was actually correct about "Franken-foods?"

“People will come in with very non-specific symptoms; they feel moody, have depression, difficulty falling asleep,” Dr. Svetlana Kogan explained. 

I came in feeling all shook up with ants in my pants and general man on fuzzy tree itching and my mean doctor said "Get that smile off your face, you'll be dead in three months." Then I went to the Moodiness Treatment Center of America.

After some investigation Dr. Kogan — an internist — said she found that copper is increasingly the culprit.

It seems fairly plausible, I'm not gonna lie.

“Copper is an essential element,” she explained.

I'm not anti-copper. I want to make this very clear from the start.

Certain foods like shellfish, leafy greens, cashews, and chickpeas are naturally high in copper.

This is why they're forbidden by Mosaic Law.

“These are wonderful things to have as part of our diet, but if somebody is consuming excess they could certainly be at risk,” she said.

It's healthy and wonderful, but it will kill you if you eat a little more.

“If you had six cups of coffee and you’re feeling jittery, that’s the feeling to describe copper toxicity,” she explained.

Imagine taking a bath in warm Dr.'s a lot like that.

Environmental exposure to things like copper water pipes may also be a factor.

Don't forget power lines and loud noises! *takes a deep drag off cigarette*

“We always recommend to have your water tested,” said Rob Zadotti.

You can get a kit for that from Conspiracy Planet, Inc.

Zadotti, co-owner of Gold Medal Service, said if the PH of your water is not within a safe range it will start to deteriorate the lining of your copper pipes.

We're supposed to be bashing salad here, Z-man, not worrying about pipes.

As for treating copper toxicity, Kogan prescribed an infrared sauna.

Your local YMCA probably has one.

“Patient is literally sweating out the toxins,” she said.

Bleep bloop, human unit is literally emitting foul-smelling coolant via unknown process. I'm a doctor.

More importantly — as she outlines in her book ‘Diet Slave No More’ — Kogan said it’s important to eat foods that are balanced.

You just knew there would be a book. We're so sick of talent-free hacks trying to sell us waste-of-trees ink spills, am I right or what? 

“Full of rainbow colored vegetables and fruits, and avoid focusing on one group,” she said.

Make sure the color combination is pleasing and varied, that's important.

 #7 will blow your mind!

Prolonged use of estrogen medications such as birth control pulls may also contribute to an increased level of copper in the body.

Interfering with normal biological processes may be bad, we can't rule that out.

Komment Korner  

It’s NOT COPPER,it is what they are SPRAYING IN OUR SKIES, LOOK UP!!!!

Does this now apply to “Tommy Copper” clothes as well? 

FAKE NEWS…. no substantial research done. It would be like reporting that long sea journeys caused scurvy for the British sailors of yore.

Go to if you want to wake up.

That does it. I am going back to McDoubles.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Saturday, January 7, 2017

News You Can't Use: VR Really Disappoints at CES this Year

Like many people I yearn for the world depicted in The Lawnmower Man. By that, of course, I mean the day when landscaping companies will contain elements drawn from Greek mythology because I read books and don't watch movies and did I mention I don't even own a teevee? If you saw the movie, you were probably amazed by the possibility of a so-called virtual world. In addition to the one you get from the bottle or those special stickers, naturally. Computer technology should be allowing us to soon experience the safe alternative to taking The Ticket and having bum trips, cool cats. Or perhaps not, because this final frontier of useless lotus-eating onanism is not progressing for some reason.

Call it a virtual disappointment. Or virtually unsurprising. I'll just say I was virtually underwhelmed.

I'm a professional author! I'm writing!!!!

Whatever pun you choose, the virtual reality industry has some explaining to do after this year's Consumer Electronics Show, during which the biggest product announcements can largely be categorized as "more of the same."

First point: that was the same pun over and over so there really isn't any choice. Second point: that was a horrible segue into the main article, and I would know, using Stephen King short stories as jumping off points and all. Finally: more of the same is what you get from every technology sector, usually with minor improvements that gradually add up over the years. Big leaps forward and "man, this fast moving tech" is one of the most enduring and lamest myths about geek boxes.

Consider computer maker Lenovo, which showed off a VR headset whose primary selling point is that it's cheaper than competitors like the $599 Oculus Rift from Facebook or the $799 HTC Vive -- though Lenovo isn't discussing prices yet and the prototype on display doesn't actually work.

It doesn't work yet, but it will be cheaper. I'm not sure how much cheaper yet. The Future!

There's also Osterhout Design Group, which showed a new pair of smart glasses, powered by Google's Android phone software and using the newest chips from Qualcomm.

Yes, the newest chips, not those stale ones from a bag that was opened a week ago.

The glasses were supposed to be the latest entrant in the world of AR, or augmented reality, layering computer images on the real world you're looking at. (Think Pokemon Go.)

Can't wait to try driving with those on!

Even Intel, the world's largest chipmaker, which is developing its own VR headset, gave a presentation using nearly year-old devices from Facebook's Oculus.

We want lots of new navel-gazing miracle devices and we want them NOW.

If you relied on CES to show you the latest in technology, VR was pretty much a no-show.

If you were just there to see adult film "actresses" and play the new Madden roster update or shooter on a giant screen you probably had a decent time.

Ian Paul, chief information officer for adult entertainment company Naughty America, said he's concerned that there doesn't seem to be a serious effort from content creators, aside from his competitors and the video game industry.

The "teacher seduces bad student" genre is stagnating and it doesn't auger well for the future of computerized self-pollution.

"You don't have a rabbit hole experience in VR," he said.

I'm not going to make the obvious joke. Hey, I already said no. Get out of here.

Me want innovation!

Blau echoed that sentiment, adding that investment in hardware will likely happen over time. "There may not be an iPhone-like aha moment for VR," he said.

Try to carry on anyway, I guess.

"Average users, they want the perfect glasses now," she said. "That's not how technology advances."

I'm just sick of everything being blurry, you know?

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: Injured Daredevil Criticized For GoFundMe Page After Failed Jump

In addition to more lawyers, there's a desperate need for more talent-free YouTube "content creators." Someone has to play the video games, eat objects that aren't strictly speaking actually edible, pull wacky "pranks" like threatening strangers and, of course, perform dangerous stunts without proper precautions to entertain cretinous followers. I encourage everyone reading this to get going on one or all of those things right away, we'll all thank you later. Meanwhile, let's salute a mental midget who suffered for our click-money and then decided to openly beg for more. This is the hero we deserve.

A man known for his thrill-seeking jumps, now in the hospital with two shattered feet after missing his mark at a Laguna hotel pool, is asking the public for help with his medical bills.

If you pay for it, then I won't learn any lessons from this and will continue to do unbelievably idiotic human tricks for your drooling amusement! 

Anthony Booth Armer, 28, is laid up in the hospital for the next four weeks, has casts on both feet and expects two more surgeries. He says he feeling all sorts of pain, but not regret.

YouTube "celebrity" not a big fan of introspection, film at eleven.

“It’s super painful,” Armer said. “They took the wrapper off yesterday I was in shock almost.”

We can now confirm that shattering your feet is, in fact, painful.

“I’m itching to do something. It’s no joke,” Armer said.

Maybe do some rad jumps in a wheelchair?

The daredevil YouTube sensation says he’s taken a lot of heat on social media because of his GoFundMe page raising money for some of his medical care insurance won’t cover.

Being called nasty names on the internet, the closest thing to actual adversity Generation Nothing ever gets. Get off my lawn.

“What am I going to say to haters? I’m so sick of people hating me for doing what I love and going at it full force,” Armer said.

Anyone who questions my poor life choices or general insipidity is a "hater" who can be safely ignored, when I'm not complaining about it.

“Just seeking a little support to keep doing what I’m doing or else I’ll be working the rest of my life to pay this off,” he said on the page.

I should be insulated from the consequences of my actions! Where's my free college?

In October, Armer jumped off Newport Towers and posted it onto YouTube and was cited by police for trespassing. “I don’t want to be arrested. I’m not hurting anyone.”

Causing pain to others directly is the only thing that should qualify as a crime.

The human cost of gravity.

So when will the daredevil give up the tricks? “When I die,” Armer said. 

Whoa. That's so heavy, man. My mind is, like, blown.

Armer says he is making plans for a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.

With any luck we'll get a "GoFundMe" to pay for his funeral after that.

Komment Korner  

What? No Obamacare for him? His healthcare isn’t affordable? I’m confused.

He should have done it head first.

Another millenial not really planning ahead or being accountable for their own actions or choices..

This guy is not brave. He is a attention starved moron. Here, Sparky… Hold the nail for me. I never miss.

I have a friend who fell from a height and hit his heels on a sidewalk. It forced him to give up his life as a surgeon because he could no longer stand on his feet for long.  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.