Wednesday, January 11, 2017

News You Can't Use: Feeling Out Of Sorts? It Might Be Something In Your Salad

I don't think I've ever seen a thin person drinking a "diet" soda and encounters with healthy salad-lovers are possibly even more rare. You might think this is because the green leaves lack any of the basic nutrients required to sustain the human organism and the person is slowly wasting away, but it turns out that's wrong. It's actually copper. Despite removing this most poisonous of metals from our pennies and no doubt saving millions of lives in the process it has returned, lurking inside fad starvation diet "super foods." This is what's actually causing your vegan "friends" to look half-dead and to be unable to shut up about their preferences in stomach filler.

Kale, coconuts, and avocados could be bad for you.

Better stick with lots of swine products, where at least we know for sure how it will ruin your life and don't have to engage in any speculation.

Experts say there’s something metallic lurking in those foods, in our water, and elsewhere that could be making us feel miserable.

Could it be that the tin-foil hat community was actually correct about "Franken-foods?"

“People will come in with very non-specific symptoms; they feel moody, have depression, difficulty falling asleep,” Dr. Svetlana Kogan explained. 

I came in feeling all shook up with ants in my pants and general man on fuzzy tree itching and my mean doctor said "Get that smile off your face, you'll be dead in three months." Then I went to the Moodiness Treatment Center of America.

After some investigation Dr. Kogan — an internist — said she found that copper is increasingly the culprit.

It seems fairly plausible, I'm not gonna lie.

“Copper is an essential element,” she explained.

I'm not anti-copper. I want to make this very clear from the start.

Certain foods like shellfish, leafy greens, cashews, and chickpeas are naturally high in copper.

This is why they're forbidden by Mosaic Law.

“These are wonderful things to have as part of our diet, but if somebody is consuming excess they could certainly be at risk,” she said.

It's healthy and wonderful, but it will kill you if you eat a little more.

“If you had six cups of coffee and you’re feeling jittery, that’s the feeling to describe copper toxicity,” she explained.

Imagine taking a bath in warm Dr.'s a lot like that.

Environmental exposure to things like copper water pipes may also be a factor.

Don't forget power lines and loud noises! *takes a deep drag off cigarette*

“We always recommend to have your water tested,” said Rob Zadotti.

You can get a kit for that from Conspiracy Planet, Inc.

Zadotti, co-owner of Gold Medal Service, said if the PH of your water is not within a safe range it will start to deteriorate the lining of your copper pipes.

We're supposed to be bashing salad here, Z-man, not worrying about pipes.

As for treating copper toxicity, Kogan prescribed an infrared sauna.

Your local YMCA probably has one.

“Patient is literally sweating out the toxins,” she said.

Bleep bloop, human unit is literally emitting foul-smelling coolant via unknown process. I'm a doctor.

More importantly — as she outlines in her book ‘Diet Slave No More’ — Kogan said it’s important to eat foods that are balanced.

You just knew there would be a book. We're so sick of talent-free hacks trying to sell us waste-of-trees ink spills, am I right or what? 

“Full of rainbow colored vegetables and fruits, and avoid focusing on one group,” she said.

Make sure the color combination is pleasing and varied, that's important.

 #7 will blow your mind!

Prolonged use of estrogen medications such as birth control pulls may also contribute to an increased level of copper in the body.

Interfering with normal biological processes may be bad, we can't rule that out.

Komment Korner  

It’s NOT COPPER,it is what they are SPRAYING IN OUR SKIES, LOOK UP!!!!

Does this now apply to “Tommy Copper” clothes as well? 

FAKE NEWS…. no substantial research done. It would be like reporting that long sea journeys caused scurvy for the British sailors of yore.

Go to if you want to wake up.

That does it. I am going back to McDoubles.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

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