News You Can't Use: Scientists Want to Bring Back Extinct Caspian Tiger

It's hard out there for a tiger. Your life revolves around eating your own young, eating other animal's young and the dream of getting a taste of hairless walking ape. Then throw in Tiger selfies from "gym and tanning" scumbags, vanishing ecosystems and humiliating cereal and college sports mascots and disaster, even extinction, soon follows. That's not even the end of the story. It appears scientists are taking a break from lying about magnetic effects to engage in their other favorite activity: playing God with disastrous results, e.g. swarms of deadly bees or evangelical atheist conventions. Can these charlatans save a vanishing tiger population, or is this just the first act of another horrible 1970s "nature run amok because of the hubris of humanity" movie. You can probably guess which one I'll be wagering on.

They were once one of the world's largest tigers.

As opposed to those miniature ones owned by Russian oligarchs.

Until recently, the tigers roamed Central Asia, from the Caspian Sea to north-west China, before struggles that included loss of habitat robbed them of their prey.

Silk Road wasteland nearly devoid of humanity somehow becomes hostile to animals. How are we gonna blame this one on oil companies, internal combustion and the flush toilet?

Ever since Caspian tigers disappeared, biologists and conservationists have tried to come up with a strategy to bring tigers back to Central Asia.

So far dressing up dogs like a Chinese zoo exhibit is their best plan.

It's not clear exactly when the Caspian tiger died out.

I sure don't know, so stop asking.

Between 2010 and 2012, scientists conducted studies that showed that Caspian and Amur tigers were almost identical in their genetic structure.

Two types of tigers are similar, great job science. I can't believe it's not Amur!

Scientists now want to reintroduce tigers in Central Asia using Amur tigers from the Russian Far East.

I feel really cheated by this big reveal after the title promised us some Jurassic Park style shenanigans.

Researchers from the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and State University of New York (SUNY) say they have found two spots in Kazakhstan to reintroduce the extinct enormous cat.

Local peasantry is less than thrilled, but these guys defeated Pro Wrestling dirtballs, what chance do you have?

Experts have been discussing the plans for nearly 10 years, explained study co-author Mikhail Paltsyn, of SUNY, in a statement.

We just threw in this embarrassing detail so you'd feel better about your own procrastination, laziness and failure.

The species would also need hooved-animals to prey upon and numbers of these in the area are still low.

I've got the solution! More discussions!

This is predicted to take at least 15 years.

Check back in 2032, I'll be sure to update this to tell you what happened.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.