Saturday, March 4, 2017

News You Can't Use: Lonely Japanese Man Who Amassed a SIX-TON Pile of Dirty Magazines Died When it Collapsed on Top of Him

What is the best death? Slipping away painlessly in your sleep? Sacrificing yourself for some noble cause? Passing into your reward fully contented, surrounded by family and loved ones? I'm not sure I know the answer, but I can tell you what isn't: being crushed to death under your "I only read the articles" onanism collection and not being found for six months because literally no one noticed you were entombed beneath a mountain of aspiring actresses, tasteful celebrity skin and tips on fashion and stereo systems.

A lonely Japanese man who amassed more than six tons of porn died when a huge pile of magazines fell on top of him.

Dying by wacky misadventure is bad enough, you don't have to add forever alone and a strategic self-abuse reserve to the equation.

And even more tragically, the man's body was only discovered six months later when the landlord entered the flat to find out why the rent had not been paid.

If you think no one cares about your existence and you don't matter at all, try missing a few payments.

The man's lowly death was revealed by a member of the cleaning team, who said his company had been hired to remove the magazines discreetly in a way that would not be noticed by neighbours and the man's family to save them from the shame.

There's no reason anyone has to commit seppuku over this, we'll discretely remove all the men's lifestyle "reading" material over a period of several weeks.

It was unclear if he had suffered a heart attack and fallen into the stacks of magazines which had then fallen on top of him, or whether he had been crushed by the mass of paper. 

It's stuff like this that makes me wish "Unsolved Mysteries" would come back on the air, but then I remember all the "First I'm gonna rob you, then I'm gonna kill you" stories it liked to feature and I'm glad it's gone.

But the cleaner said that if he was still conscious, the paper would probably have muffled his cries.

I just love all these CSI: Miami details, it really adds to the overall experience of "friendless and dateless pervert suffers ironic demise."

There were also clippings from erotic magazines where it appeared the man had cut out his favourite articles, and thrown away the rest of the magazine. 

LOL, articles. Now it feels like we're both riffing on this profoundly depressing tragedy.

 You actually can judge this by the cover.

Despite his trimming, at the time of his death the collection weighed in at six metric tons (13,228 pounds).  

What we do in this life echoes in eternity.

Komment Korner   


play the Sailor Moon Theme Song at his wedding

When they found him he was stiff as a board.

Guess he didnt have an internet connection

No "happy ending" to this story.

He did the right thing, real women are just too much trouble, fantasy is better.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

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