The pursuit of truth means a lot to me, so it stands to reason that we must confront the most important breaking news of our time here, in this mystical arena. No, not the CIA using your big-screen pacification device to spy on you and your loved ones. Here, we don't play, it's all about what's real, namely Central American demon possession that occurred following events so incredible that they could easily have been used to inspire a rejected Netflix series. Start with the discovery of evil dolls, throw in some always entertaining staggering superstition, let England's best newspaper tell it and here we are.
A community is in crisis after more than 30 of its villagers have been 'possessed by the devil ' after discovering a voodoo doll.
Well, that's not how voodoo dolls work according to any movie I've ever seen, but I guess any excuse is a good one to shake up your sleepy, deeply impoverished village. We can either keep talking about failing crops and rebel armies or have some spooky fun, easy choice.
Residents living in Santa Tomas, close to Waspan, in the south of Nicaragua, are said to be suffering from grisi siknis (translated into English as 'crazy sickness').
Translated as the Chilly Willies or Goofy Loopy depending on which dialect we're using, it's not good news for an area that previously was doubtlessly a favored tourist destination for obscenely wealthy Yankees.
Grisi siknis is a culture-bound syndrome that most often affects communities in Central America.
I'll just tuck away that bit of knowledge, for now. Save it for the next cocktail party.
The contagious syndrome often exhibits symptoms such as nausea, anxiety, dizziness, irrational anger and fear, as well as periods of 'rapid frenzy'.
These are all the same symptoms caused by those pills that control your bladder hostility, oddly enough.
Terrifyingly, each time a person is 'possessed', they name the next victim of the disease.
The world's scariest game of "red rover."
One woman who lives in the community, known as Marisella, has attempted to help her neighbours by creating homemade remedies to 'cure' the syndrome.
We were so impressed by the efforts of this heroic woman, on woman's day or whatever no less, that we're going to break out the sarcasm quotes.
She creates medicines, which are poured across the back of the affected villager in the hope that it will ward off the evil spirits.
At this point, what do you really have to lose?
After investigating the disease further, Marisella said she believes that she has found the cause - a small voodoo doll.
A glimpse at the future of our healthcare system?
Speaking to Central America media, she said: "A doll with black ribbon and a cross marked on its face [has been found in a street]. "It suggests that it's affected by dark spells and bad influences. A type of bad spirit."
Real News. Good spirits die in darkness.
The villagers have now decided to burn the doll.
How to put an end to all those "Conjuring" spin-offs.