Wednesday, March 22, 2017

News You Can't Use: Parrots Flying High on Drugs are Annoying Farmers

This is one of those headlines where there's probably nothing I can say that will either add to or detract from the level of ridiculous. Honestly, are we talking "Polly want a crack rock" and how that is somehow proving annoying to the tillers of the soil? There's even some horrible puns about "flying high." Let's just dig in.

Parrots flying high on drugs are annoying farmers by plundering their poppy fields to feed their opium addiction.

Brightly colored flying junkies bother farmers growing the deadly crop, no doubt with the intention of using it for rope or muffins. It's the Alfred Hitchcock re-imagining with extreme modern sensibilities (and idiocy). Birds 2: One More Fix.

The drug-addicted birds sit perched in wait until the morphine-rich area is exposed by workers slitting open the flowers' pods to help them ripen.

It's rare to see humans being completely out-smarted by animals with a brain the size of a large walnut in any venue that isn't a Loony Tunes cartoon, but get used to it, this article has plenty of this.

The parrots then swoop down in silence into the opium fields - having learned not to squawk - and frantically nibble off the stalks below the pod before they are spotted. 

The wise, wise men growing the arm candy, meanwhile, have learned nothing.

Video shows them retreating to high branches where they gorge on the plants leaving them sleeping for hours - and even falling to their death.

Just don't do it.

Farmers now claim they are getting warnings from the Government's narcotics department - which controls opium farming - over their reduced yields.

"We need more narcotics" says highly legitimate third world government.

Sobharam Rathod, an opium farmer from Neemach, India, estimates parrots are stealing around ten per cent of his crop and he has been given a warning.

The exciting new frontier of "dog ate my homework."

"Like we keep an eye on them, but they also keep an eye on us."

I tried my awesome unkind glance power, but somehow they retaliated.

In 2015 drug raiding parrots were reported in Chittorgarh in the state of Rajasthan.

You know, the popular vacation hot-spot of Rajasthan.

According to farmers, drugged birds have become easy target for their predators thanks to their dopey state.

And yet there's still plenty of fine feathered addicts, somehow.

Farmers have tried bursting firecrackers, beating tin drums and hurling stones to keep the birds away - but to no avail.

I tried everything: drum solos, whipping M-80s, you name it.

Another farmer in Neemach added: "It is difficult to control these parrots. "We have to spend hours in our fields to shoo them away."

We were soundly defeated, but not for a lack of moronic and doomed counter-measures.

Komment Korner  

Should Cancer patients not get relief from their pain?

you sound like an addict  

have they tried chasing them with drones? or model planes that look like hawks?

Now if they could find a stool pigeon to rat them out....well then. 


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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