News You Can't Use: Elementary School Pilot Program Replaces Detention With Yoga

Faced with the growing problem of our grammar schools becoming white line nightmares we've been offered two excellent solutions to chose from: a .44 magnum concealed in every instructor's lesson plan or hippie nonsense that's so obviously wrong it can't get even get a fair hearing. When making the movie "Class of 1984" a reality is considered a superior option to whatever pedagogical techniques you're hocking it might be time to pack it in, but I'm nothing if not fair and balanced so let's take a look.

A special grant from Denver Public Schools has allowed Doull Elementary to pilot a program where they trade out detention for Yoga.

Once they see that we have no power to actually punish the pathology and we're even willing to reward it, they're bound to become respectful good citizens.

“I teach children the practice of yoga and meditation,” said Trinidad Heffron.

I was a troubled youth who was put on the right path by a midnight yoga league.

For Miss Triny, as the kids call her, and for the school, this is about reevaluating the way they discipline, not taking it easy on the kids.

In my delusional mind this is all very defensible.

“Yoga and meditation, they’re not necessarily an easy practice. I would say it’s challenging, but useful,” said Heffron.
 
The ability to perform a heavily watered-down version of Hindu mysticism is what most employers are looking for.

“What’s more important? Punishing kids for a mistake they made or teaching them some skills that they can actually use in life to not make the same mistakes again,” said school psychologist Carly Graeber.

Hey, another false dichotomy!

“You can do yoga and you can practice yoga anywhere, any time and maybe when they are riding a bike, they can take deep breath and go, ‘Oh, I’m using my yoga breath,” said Heffron.

We're teaching you how to breathe. Look out, China.

I thought we'd be doing "Greatest of all Time" yoga, not this.

“Math and reading and science and social studies are all so important to us here, but also we’re really in the business of teaching kids social and emotional skills that they can use for their lives, so how to solve problems, how to deal with complicated feelings and things like that,” said Graeber.

We haven't completely given up, honest.

And so every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at 3pm you’ll find the kids at detention, practicing mindfulness and hopefully learning how to stay out of trouble. 

My awesome hoping powers should fix everything.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.