Sunday, May 22, 2016

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizen in Canada. Goes from Brave to Baby in 2 Seconds

I have endeavored to be as through as possible during my endless tour de force examination of the sovereign citizen war on traffic laws and general politeness, but there has been one glaring oversight. What about Canada? Are there Free Men of the Land in the Great White North? Do they incorrectly quote the Magna Carta and the NHL rule book? These thoughts have haunted my dreams and tortured the miserable hours of waking awareness. Fortunately, as if in a miraculous answer to a desperate prayer, we're finally going to see how they do things in Canadia. Grab an unusually strong beer, tuck into some of that round bacon and gooey fries, it's time to go from brave to baby in a few heartbeats.

As per tradition we pick up the action already in progress, with our hero pulled over and getting the degree absolute from tyrannical government thugs. With his voice cracking badly the faceless champion of all that is good wants to know if there's a crime he's suspected of, while the Royal Canadian Automobile Police points out "You don't have a license plate, eh."

Much like the face of war the grim leering visage of traffic stop usurpation never changes, even when you reach latitudes where, strictly speaking, the cold should wipe out all human life. The champion of Free Canucks refuses a demand for his papers, bitte from the jackboot squad and if experience has taught me anything we can expect to go in circles over this for quite awhile before finally a window gets smashed and a taser is applied to where the Free Man's legs intersect.

We discuss the "Highway Traffic Act" but sadly don't try to claim "I'm just traveling" while the camera ends up pointed at the roof of the car. This is riveting stuff, better than any scripted drama or 2 am wino fight.

You can get out of all this just by saying "I'm traveling, eh."

The last sane man points out that he's renounced all "contracts" to the law, which seems like a reasonable argument. He then claims to be part of the Republic of "Cun-adda." Talk about your masterstrokes, just slightly mispronounce the name of your country and all its laws magically go away. I ain't gettin' no plates on my travel device, sucker. I'm a citizen of Ammer-Ka. Check and mate.

While handing over papers, but not the papers the stasi want, of course, he then explains that "Canada is dissolved." It turns out America Junior is a "criminal organization." Yes, Canada is a disbanded mafia nation, just like I always suspected. We go further down the rabbit hole as the Cun-adda citizen blames the government (the one that fell apart or Cun-adda's?) for kidnapping his child. I'm not sure how this is germane to driving without plates, but on the other hand I'm an ignorant American who didn't even know about the big dissolve in the frozen wastes.

He then claims that "the judge bowed down to me" when his case went to trial. Although the footage has sadly been lost I don't see any reason to doubt this claim, especially after seeing these goofs in action in a legal setting, racking up convictions and taser shocks.

It's actually true!

The champion of individual rights just keeps rolling, shutting down the overly polite Canadian officer, even suggesting his "Oath to the Queen has been abolished." This glorious rhetorical victory is somewhat undermined by the fact that his speech patterns and general demeanor call to mind a thirteen-year-old boy trying to talk to a girl at a junior high dance, but still, take that. Just when his smugness is approaching a critical mass two other cruisers arrive. "I don't care!" insists the dissident, his voice quivering and his rat-like features contorting in obvious distress. He does recover quickly and challenges the Beast State to do its worst.

An attempt to open the car door is defeated and earns us another lecture on the rights of a Precious and Unique individual, before it's time to try to drive off. After about one second of attempted driving the guns come out. Man, you can only push the former criminal nation of dissolved Canada so far before the smiles vanish and the fangs come out. 

  Feeling lucky, eh?

We get some panicky narration, an insistence of innocence and one crazy Canuck cop who clearly plays by his own rules, is a loose cannon and causes massive property destruction but is kept around because he gets results. This tense standoff continues, with the evil authority no doubt thinking some minor variation of "Make my day" and our hero continuing to rail against the dying the northern lights. Finally, it's window breaking time. "You gonna break my window?" Yeah, I think that's the plan. 

Canada's version of the hero from the movie "Cobra" smashes the glass and demands compliance, while the Free Man swears and howls in pain. If only this could have been prevented, somehow, but I'm not about to give up my rights and sacred vows to the Queen. As the gestapoism triumphs we fade to black, dissolving away under a storm of tyranny, much like Canada herself.

Driver's side window is done like dinner.

Komment Korner   

you are an idiot I hope they beat his buttt

I bet his license plate was a home made sign that said "traveler" on it. That's how these idiots operate.

cana da he pronounces canada the same way they fucking did in ren and stimpy

You guys have Wendy's in Canada?

This guy is one of those cases in which their parents should have had a condom

That guy sounds like that squeaky-voiced acne kid from The Simpsons.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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