DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizen in Canada. Goes from Brave to Baby in 2 Seconds

I have endeavored to be as through as possible during my endless tour de force examination of the sovereign citizen war on traffic laws and general politeness, but there has been one glaring oversight. What about Canada? Are there Free Men of the Land in the Great White North? Do they incorrectly quote the Magna Carta and the NHL rule book? These thoughts have haunted my dreams and tortured the miserable hours of waking awareness. Fortunately, as if in a miraculous answer to a desperate prayer, we're finally going to see how they do things in Canadia. Grab an unusually strong beer, tuck into some of that round bacon and gooey fries, it's time to go from brave to baby in a few heartbeats.

As per tradition we pick up the action already in progress, with our hero pulled over and getting the degree absolute from tyrannical government thugs. With his voice cracking badly the faceless champion of all that is good wants to know if there's a crime he's suspected of, while the Royal Canadian Automobile Police points out "You don't have a license plate, eh."

Much like the face of war the grim leering visage of traffic stop usurpation never changes, even when you reach latitudes where, strictly speaking, the cold should wipe out all human life. The champion of Free Canucks refuses a demand for his papers, bitte from the jackboot squad and if experience has taught me anything we can expect to go in circles over this for quite awhile before finally a window gets smashed and a taser is applied to where the Free Man's legs intersect.

We discuss the "Highway Traffic Act" but sadly don't try to claim "I'm just traveling" while the camera ends up pointed at the roof of the car. This is riveting stuff, better than any scripted drama or 2 am wino fight.

You can get out of all this just by saying "I'm traveling, eh."

The last sane man points out that he's renounced all "contracts" to the law, which seems like a reasonable argument. He then claims to be part of the Republic of "Cun-adda." Talk about your masterstrokes, just slightly mispronounce the name of your country and all its laws magically go away. I ain't gettin' no plates on my travel device, sucker. I'm a citizen of Ammer-Ka. Check and mate.

While handing over papers, but not the papers the stasi want, of course, he then explains that "Canada is dissolved." It turns out America Junior is a "criminal organization." Yes, Canada is a disbanded mafia nation, just like I always suspected. We go further down the rabbit hole as the Cun-adda citizen blames the government (the one that fell apart or Cun-adda's?) for kidnapping his child. I'm not sure how this is germane to driving without plates, but on the other hand I'm an ignorant American who didn't even know about the big dissolve in the frozen wastes.

He then claims that "the judge bowed down to me" when his case went to trial. Although the footage has sadly been lost I don't see any reason to doubt this claim, especially after seeing these goofs in action in a legal setting, racking up convictions and taser shocks.

It's actually true!

The champion of individual rights just keeps rolling, shutting down the overly polite Canadian officer, even suggesting his "Oath to the Queen has been abolished." This glorious rhetorical victory is somewhat undermined by the fact that his speech patterns and general demeanor call to mind a thirteen-year-old boy trying to talk to a girl at a junior high dance, but still, take that. Just when his smugness is approaching a critical mass two other cruisers arrive. "I don't care!" insists the dissident, his voice quivering and his rat-like features contorting in obvious distress. He does recover quickly and challenges the Beast State to do its worst.

An attempt to open the car door is defeated and earns us another lecture on the rights of a Precious and Unique individual, before it's time to try to drive off. After about one second of attempted driving the guns come out. Man, you can only push the former criminal nation of dissolved Canada so far before the smiles vanish and the fangs come out. 

  Feeling lucky, eh?

We get some panicky narration, an insistence of innocence and one crazy Canuck cop who clearly plays by his own rules, is a loose cannon and causes massive property destruction but is kept around because he gets results. This tense standoff continues, with the evil authority no doubt thinking some minor variation of "Make my day" and our hero continuing to rail against the dying the northern lights. Finally, it's window breaking time. "You gonna break my window?" Yeah, I think that's the plan. 

Canada's version of the hero from the movie "Cobra" smashes the glass and demands compliance, while the Free Man swears and howls in pain. If only this could have been prevented, somehow, but I'm not about to give up my rights and sacred vows to the Queen. As the gestapoism triumphs we fade to black, dissolving away under a storm of tyranny, much like Canada herself.

Driver's side window is done like dinner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0gzISrrsGPc 

Komment Korner   

you are an idiot I hope they beat his buttt

I bet his license plate was a home made sign that said "traveler" on it. That's how these idiots operate.

cana da he pronounces canada the same way they fucking did in ren and stimpy

You guys have Wendy's in Canada?

This guy is one of those cases in which their parents should have had a condom

That guy sounds like that squeaky-voiced acne kid from The Simpsons.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Sovereign Citizens Being Owned, Part 3

It's with bittersweet feelings and wistful yearnings for past days that I bring this amazing trilogy to a close. Like reaching the end of a beloved novel or one of those "Save often!" video games there's a certain sadness that it will soon be over, that I'll have to spend my time doing something other than watching socially retarded suburban rebels make meaningless and doomed stands against the apparatus of power. I guess we should smile because it happened instead of weeping because it's about to end. Let us create joinder one more time, you're not being detained but I'll ask you to stick around anyway and join me among real "We are the dead" heroes who just won't provide those papers without a long and pointless struggle that ends with ownership.

Am I not under arrest?

We're right back in the thick of things with a so-called "roadside safety check," which we all know it how Hitlerism got its foot in the door. This time we get a good look at our spectacled resistor with his squared away haircut and demeanor that starts out relatively pleasant and non-crazy. If they only knew. We get the usual dog-chasing-tail act of asking if this counts as being detained and it's pretty clear that is the case, but better ask a fifth time just to be sure. 

Then, the impossible happens and a sovereign citizen is actually right about something! I know, law of averages, broken clock twice a day, but it's still surprising. The officer says he asked for identification and is told by the Free Man of the Land that he hasn't and a quick review of the footage reveals this is indeed the case. You pretty much have to stop this unconstitutional pull-over now, in the face of a rare victory. Instead the state sponsored violence ramps up as the badge thugs open the car door and our hero lets out a series of "Whoas!" like he's a young Joey Lawerence or something. 

World's Mildest Police Videos.

The system tool explains that driving is not a right, which sure sounds like fascist talk to these ears. Officer Angry has clearly lost all patience with the freedom rider and in the face of this the necessary papiern is meekly handed over. Like a mobious strip we continue to eat that tail forever as it's time for more questions about detainment and its relationship to the driver's current status, which is met with more barking and a little reminder that the State of Illinois does not tolerate back-sass. Maybe try it in Minnesota next time, I don't even know.

After all this our protagonist wishes to remain silent unless an attorney is present. The query that prompted this cliched response was "Is this your address?" Let me please confer with legal counsel before I answer that, and then when I do I'll take the fifth. Isn't it taser time yet? Instead we briefly discuss the fifth amendment and then are indeed free to leave, having accomplished the noble purpose of making another human unit angry.

Bin ich verhaftet?

The scene shifts to an interior where difficult questions about names are about to get bizarre responses. Our unseen champion claims not to have a first or last name, so I guess it's the Clint Eastwood character from all those westerns, with all the toughness and likeability stripped away, naturally. Then he says his name is "Robert," provoking laughter from the civil servant. Nothing funny about our right to play legal make-believe, man.

Please tell me more about how the Magna Carta gives you the right not to have a name.

It's then explained that our dissenter is not a person, and as such isn't subject to the admiralty and maritime law of this court. Now everyone is having a nice chuckle, but the fact remains that there's no denying the unpersonhood of our narrator. Kind of like in grade school when you're not part of the game of tag and as such can't be made "it" or be given girl cooties. This is how jurisprudence works.

"What are you?" is sadly not answered with a claim to be the Bat Man, but merely an ordinary man who is also not a citizen of the United States according to a misreading of a treaty with Tunisia from 1795 or whatever. At this point I half expect references to the Code of Hammurabi, it would be just as relevant. He then claims to be a "State Citizen" which at least gets us up to about 1861 or so. The smile is now long gone from the questioner, replaced with annoyed bemusement.  

I regret to inform you that the Civil War is over and your side lost.

It turns out that our non-person is from Idaho, which of course didn't enter the Union until 1890, putting another bullet into a legal argument that's already long dead. As per tradition a request for a license becomes an issue of contention. His person has one, but he doesn't. Wait, I thought you weren't a person? It's almost like you're just firing off random phrases and concepts with no real understanding and in general making a fool of yourself for no good reason, but we all know courts are bad so keep up that good fight. 

"I don't wish to create joinder with you." If you were a sexy woman, well maybe. With that the interaction ends and it's time to go address the prosecutor. However the way is blocked by government goons infringing the freedom of movement. The jack-boot squad won't let the Idaho citizen in with the camera, provoking more righteous passive-aggression. This Braveheart moment is somewhat undermined by one of the thugs telling him to leave the camera with his mother, who is apparently sitting across the room. Not now Mom, I'm fighting for my rights! No, I didn't get a job today.

"You are not God!" Yeah, really. Only the unmoved mover can ask me to shut off my recording devices and you ain't him, pal. After acknowledging his lack of divinity the guard absorbs a speech about rights and wrongs, but remains intractable. An attempt to enter is stopped by a human Berlin Wall and now it's already zapping time.

Isn't God, but does shoot lightning from the hands.

The shock is deployed and we get some quality agonized moans. Then it's time for the cuffs. Now Mommy will have to bail you out, nameless non-entity.

Back to the familiar confines of a motor vehicle where a rather doughy officer is demanding the usual laminated items. "As a man what right do you have to stop another man?" Wow. Our well-fed authority figure doesn't even attempt an answer and we skip ahead to a discussion of whether speeding is a crime or not. Hint: it is. An attempt to explain the contra position is severely undermined by incoherent rambling and even an "Aw, you know" in place of the expected citation of the Volstead Act or Wagonry Guidelines of 1804. Yeah, come on, you know what I'm trying to say.

Attempts to cite case law are ignored, and yes, you are being detained. More fuzz arrive and a request to "stand down" instead provokes the brown shirt.

Incredibly he doesn't actually hit anything. This time.

After what baseball announcers would call a "check swing" it's time to demand the opening of the car window. Get the supervisor! I'm going to give you all "very poors" on the customer service feedback card, officer. The window gets smashed, followed by kissing some pavement. With that this examination of our sovereign rights as free men of the land ends with both a bang and a whimper, appropriately enough.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.