News You Can't Use: Couple Caught Having Oral Sex In Dining Room At McDonald’s

Coming up with the perfect night out can get hard (this is the first of many double entendres this story will produce, the rest will be ignored, leaving the schoolgirl giggling implied). You could go all out and be creative, maybe a hot air balloon, scuba diving or going behind the dumpster of the last remaining video rental store in America. However, as the kids say, let's please to be keeping it real when doing the needful. After all, these sexually charged interactions are supposed to be about genuine human connection, shared emotions and feelings, birds suddenly appearing, that sort of thing. With this in mind, performing the French Act in a fast food dining room under the shadows of the children's play area is just as good as any idea network television might try to subliminally insert (ha ha, insert. Whoops, sorry) into your mind.

Meet Conrad Jablecki. 

I'd really rather not. Even considering he's the real-life version of "I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Perverts in the top ten, please allow me to bump thee.

The 30-year-old Maryland man has been charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after he engaged in oral sex with a woman in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s, cops report.

You can tell a society is corrupt by all the laws, man. You can't legislate morality, stop trying. Besides, we can't even FEED everyone, but have time to worry about nightstick polishing in Mayor McCheese's city. Our priorities, man. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

According to investigators, Jablecki and a woman--who has yet to be apprehended--trysted publicly on a Thursday afternoon in March. 

It's customary for the gentleman to shoulder all the open lewdness charges on a date, unless you agreed in advance to split them.

A McDonald’s worker spotted the duo’s illicit activity and chased them from the restaurant in York.

This is the citizen of the year. When I was flipping burgers I was mostly in a stuporous haze of self-pity and alcohol hangover effects and not exactly on high-alert for catching illicit activity.

Jablecki, who lives about 40 miles south of the McDonald’s, was charged Monday in a District Court criminal complaint.

A one hour drive just to perform sex acts during the calorie load. Maybe there's an In-N-Out Burger closer to your home. Let your fingers do the walking, dudemar.

Just thought I'd stop in for some of the old in-out, in-out. Er, Burgers, that is.

Jablecki’s rap sheet includes convictions this year for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. 

On tonight's episode of The Petty Crime Profiler...

In 2012, Jablecki was sentenced to 60 days in jail and placed on probation for two years in connection with charges that he exposed himself to a woman and her five-year-old daughter on a Maryland beach.

Genuine class.

According to his Facebook page, Jablecki works for a landscaping firm.

Really? My guess would have been medical doctor, contract lawyer or maybe senator.

In posts last year, Jablecki wrote about seeking “A bad bitch W/ mean head game” and “a Girl who is a SupaFreak+Funny+Down to Earth+spontaneous+Drama-Free+Sense of Humor+Easy to conversate with jus talk About Everything an Anything!”

In fairness, it might be difficult to conversate and/or jus talk when your mouth is full.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I guess they were overcome by the romantic ambiance of their beloved Golden Arches.

Is that what Mickey D's means by "Real Grown-up Taste"?

A real Lady Gaga

he must have voted for Hillary and is getting his reward B.J. Hint for the police "Madonna"

Land of the free and home of the brave. I am so proud to be an American.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Police Officer Shoots Cat

Dog bites man is not news. Well, ok, it actually kind of is, but it's not the good kind of news that keeps everyone deeply engaged with various trustworthy media outlets. Man bites dog, now that's what you want. Even better would be police officer blasts a cat, if you want to take the logic to its natural conclusion and why wouldn't you? Yes, another story about the out-of-control law enforcement in America (sure we have practically no crime, but at what cost???) and one we must soberly confront without resorting to "lives matter" wackiness or obvious and dreadful punning. It won't be easy, but we must face up to it.

A 911 call reporting an injured cat in a yard ended up with the cat dead of a gunshot wound.

"Oh, is Garfield there bothering you? I can fix that." Maybe it's time we stop giving guns and badges to Neutral Evil individuals?

It happened in North Catasauqua, just north of Allentown, Penn. The cat's name was Sugar, and she lived with her owner just a few doors down.

Sugar enjoyed killing birds, sleeping, litter-box activities, clawing at objects and enjoying the generosity of a human owner she regarded with, at best, icy contempt.

"She knew her name," said owner Tom Newhart. "If you'd call her, she'd come to you."

I will now attribute human qualities to an instinct-driven animal because that's a nice sane worldview.

A North Catasauqua policeman responded to the call and evaluated the situation.

Evaluating situation...please stand by. A blue bar slowly fills up, after numerous staggered pauses.

According to the Northampton District Attorney, the cop noted injuries to the cat's hind legs and that she was trailing blood. He made the decision then and there to put the cat down.

I guess it's totally understandable and humane, but we're trying to make a big deal out of this so let's instead pretend the cat was healthy and trying to surrender or whatever.

"Officer Purcell fired a single shot from his department-issued .38 caliber service revolver, instantly killing the cat."

Well, seems pretty open and shut. We can all go home without absorbing any painful attempts at humor from the type of journo who is assigned "cop shoots cat" stories.

And that's when the fur started flying.

Sigh.

The policeman "really didn't show any compassion or common sense knowledge," in the situation, Newhart said at the office of his attorney, Jenna Fliszar.

Now I will display my deep compassion and common sense by lawyering-up and trying to destroy this guy's life.

Morganelli announced on Monday that he is citing the officer in question, a consequence equivalent to a parking ticket. Morganelli said his investigation revealed that Sugar wasn't as seriously injured as initially believed, and a veterinarian's postmortem report showed that Sugar wasn't hurt much at all, save for the gunshot wound.

We broke into the wrong house and shot a child...oh well, accidents happen. Dead cat? Let's have an in-depth investigation/witch hunt.

I heard you liked grumpy cat, bro.

Newhart and his attorney are considering attempting civil recourse. 

It won't bring back your furry friend, but I guess you could buy beer or whatever.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Man Who Called 911 Sought Help Fixing His Air Conditioner

Man, it sure is hot. If we were working together I might say that and then we could have an awkward conversation about the topic of heat to help cover up our mutual loathing and crushing inner despair. Luckily, we're on the tubes, so there's no need for such social glue, allowing the subject of "Dang, it's so warm" to get the proper clinical analysis it so richly deserves. Specifically, what happens when the good old A.C. severs the silver cord, leaving you at the mercy of the wicked old Sun. It's obviously time to call for help, the primary means of "solving" any problem in today's America.

State police say a western Pennsylvania man with a penchant for making unnecessary emergency calls recently complained of chest pains so he could ask medics to help him fix his air conditioner.

Well, it's certainly consistent with the small amount we've been told about this amazing wise, wise man. Performing first aid for a dying man and fixing a broken blow box is pretty much the same skill set, isn't it?

Twenty-six-year-old Travis Turner, of Indiana, Pa., was charged Wednesday with obstructing emergency services and disorderly conduct.

If convicted he could face up to ten minutes near a jail.

Troopers say Turner has called Indiana County 911 dispatchers or the state police 63 times in the last three years for minor or harassing complaints.

We have a saying in Texas and I bet you have it in Tennessee, er, Pennsylvania as well. Fool me 62 times...shame on...you. Fool me 63...

Won't get fooled again!

In December, they charged him. The complaint later was withdrawn and Turner was warned to stop making such calls.

A stern talking to should be sufficient punishment for breaking the law several dozen times.

But police say Turner called 911 again Sunday afternoon. They say that when an ambulance arrived, Turner said he didn’t have any medical issues but needed help with his air conditioner.

Maybe "Just don't do it again, you little fully mature ragamuffin!" is not the powerful deterrent you'd expect it to be. 

Turner’s listed phone was disconnected Wednesday.

I guess Donald Trump gave out his number, too.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source: http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2015/07/22/cops-pa-man-who-called-911-sought-help-fixing-his-air-conditioner/

Komment Korner

throw his sorry behind into a nice HOT jail cell

How much do you want to bet he votes democrat.

Obviously this is somehow a result of, oh, I don't know.....LACK OF FUNDING!

Better check to see if he has weapons


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.