News You Can't Use: Couple Caught Having Oral Sex In Dining Room At McDonald’s

Coming up with the perfect night out can get hard (this is the first of many double entendres this story will produce, the rest will be ignored, leaving the schoolgirl giggling implied). You could go all out and be creative, maybe a hot air balloon, scuba diving or going behind the dumpster of the last remaining video rental store in America. However, as the kids say, let's please to be keeping it real when doing the needful. After all, these sexually charged interactions are supposed to be about genuine human connection, shared emotions and feelings, birds suddenly appearing, that sort of thing. With this in mind, performing the French Act in a fast food dining room under the shadows of the children's play area is just as good as any idea network television might try to subliminally insert (ha ha, insert. Whoops, sorry) into your mind.

Meet Conrad Jablecki. 

I'd really rather not. Even considering he's the real-life version of "I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom." Perverts in the top ten, please allow me to bump thee.

The 30-year-old Maryland man has been charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after he engaged in oral sex with a woman in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s, cops report.

You can tell a society is corrupt by all the laws, man. You can't legislate morality, stop trying. Besides, we can't even FEED everyone, but have time to worry about nightstick polishing in Mayor McCheese's city. Our priorities, man. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

According to investigators, Jablecki and a woman--who has yet to be apprehended--trysted publicly on a Thursday afternoon in March. 

It's customary for the gentleman to shoulder all the open lewdness charges on a date, unless you agreed in advance to split them.

A McDonald’s worker spotted the duo’s illicit activity and chased them from the restaurant in York.

This is the citizen of the year. When I was flipping burgers I was mostly in a stuporous haze of self-pity and alcohol hangover effects and not exactly on high-alert for catching illicit activity.

Jablecki, who lives about 40 miles south of the McDonald’s, was charged Monday in a District Court criminal complaint.

A one hour drive just to perform sex acts during the calorie load. Maybe there's an In-N-Out Burger closer to your home. Let your fingers do the walking, dudemar.

Just thought I'd stop in for some of the old in-out, in-out. Er, Burgers, that is.

Jablecki’s rap sheet includes convictions this year for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. 

On tonight's episode of The Petty Crime Profiler...

In 2012, Jablecki was sentenced to 60 days in jail and placed on probation for two years in connection with charges that he exposed himself to a woman and her five-year-old daughter on a Maryland beach.

Genuine class.

According to his Facebook page, Jablecki works for a landscaping firm.

Really? My guess would have been medical doctor, contract lawyer or maybe senator.

In posts last year, Jablecki wrote about seeking “A bad bitch W/ mean head game” and “a Girl who is a SupaFreak+Funny+Down to Earth+spontaneous+Drama-Free+Sense of Humor+Easy to conversate with jus talk About Everything an Anything!”

In fairness, it might be difficult to conversate and/or jus talk when your mouth is full.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

I guess they were overcome by the romantic ambiance of their beloved Golden Arches.

Is that what Mickey D's means by "Real Grown-up Taste"?

A real Lady Gaga

he must have voted for Hillary and is getting his reward B.J. Hint for the police "Madonna"

Land of the free and home of the brave. I am so proud to be an American.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Young Driver Gets Help From YouTube

Arguably the best aspect of today's story is how the headline suggests we're going to get an inspiring tale of a dorky sixteen year-old who conquered his awkwardness and learned how to drive with a little help from the magic of the information network. Instead of this sort of eighties sex comedy hi-jinks, the actual story is about an eight-year-old driven mad by a craving for pink slime from the local burger box who then drove a car. It's wacky and funny because no one died! This time.

An 8-year-old East Palestine boy used YouTube videos to learn how to drive his father’s van to McDonald’s on Sunday.

HELLO EVERYBODY!!! MY NAME IS SUPERKITTEN854849 and today we're going to continue our "let's drive" game with a VAN! Please like and subscribe. Here's some links for donations. Be sure to share this video. If you already liked and subscribed, please create several new accounts and like and subscribe with those. I'm now on Patreon. Be sure to follow me on Twitter. All right, time to put this thing in drive. We'll just shift to do that...and hit that Dee! Get it? That's a joke! Did you donate yet? The red subscribe button, go ahead and click it.

East Palestine Patrolman Jacob Koehler responded to the restaurant that evening after the police department received reports from several people who witnessed the boy driving the van effortlessly through the downtown area.

"Effortlessly." As opposed to when I drive, with veins popping out of my forehead, sweating like Sean Spicer after saying something moronic about basic 20th Century history, using ample sailor talk and generally struggling just to maintain.

Koehler said that according to reports from witnesses Matt Stanley, David and Rachel Crowe and Lindsey Balmenti, the boy obeyed all traffic laws, stopping properly at red lights and waited for traffic to pass before making the left turn into the McDonald’s parking lot.

Clearly we should lower the driving age to eight, because a lot of adults don't follow these basic rules and like, society, man, besides [awkward reference to the movie "Idiocracy goes here].

When he pulled up to the drive-through window after ordering a cheeseburger he had been craving and intended to pay for using money he gathered from his piggy bank, the McDonald’s workers at first thought they were being pranked.

I was worried my deep personal dignity as a burger-flipper was under attack by outside forces.

“I think there is a good teaching point here. With the way technology is anymore kids will learn how to do anything and everything. This kid learned how to drive on YouTube. He probably looked it up for five minutes and then said it was time to go,” he added.

Yeah. That's almost certainly the correct lesson to take away and not something about "absentee parents" or "our dying country."

“He didn’t hit a single thing on the way there. It was unreal,” he said.
 
Speaking of not hitting a single thing, how about that local baseball team, haw haw.

He also said that he was able to get the keys to his father’s locked van by standing up on his tip-toes to get to where they were hanging.

Yet another miracle! How does he do it? Totally unreal, dudemar.

The boy, in tears when he realized he had done something wrong, told Koehler he just really wanted a cheeseburger.

Also I'm not on drugs, I'm just thinking.

Koehler said it was not a case of neglect — the boy and his sister had already eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner that day, but he still really wanted that cheeseburger.

We can all agree this is some of the best parenting ever displayed outside of a "Home Alone" film.

The children were picked up by their parents at the station and no charges were filed.

We're overworked as it is. *eats doughnut, falls asleep*

Full Article. 

Komment Korner 


I hope his dad whupped him for not going to Wendy's.  

The kid later said he was almost finished watching a video series on open heart surgery. We'll see what happens next.

and this is news why?????

Emergency update to Youtube vid... " do not use drive through services if you are a toddler or young child driver."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: McDonald's to Cut Prices on Drinks as Industry Slumps

Having the world's most extensive strategic arsenal of high fructose corn syrup beverages is bound to come in useful at some point. Maybe we can water crops with the bubble water, something like that? Or perhaps it could be used to save the slumping fast food industry, which has been hamstrung by the fitness craze sweeping the nation, the new and exotic so-called "grocery store" and our recent decision to raise the minimum wage to a thousand dollars an hour, making everyone super wealthy because that's how economics works. Now the hope rests on watered-down syrup delivery systems aimed at the human resource who is not aware that you can buy the real stuff dirt cheap at that weird, snobbish "grocer" I already mentioned.

McDonald’s Corp., reeling from an industrywide restaurant slump and slowing growth from its all-day breakfast push, is looking to beverages to help perk up the business.

Once I could get breakfast balls at 11:01 a.m.without making a giant scene I pretty much lost all interest in purchasing them. Give me something else to dream on, pink slime industry.

The world’s biggest food-service company, which last year focused its advertising on cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches, plans to offer $1 sodas and $2 McCafe specialty drinks across the U.S.

The critically acclaimed "I'll give you these cheeseburgers/I don't want any cheeseburgers" advertising campaign somehow failed. Perhaps I can offer you something else. Suck a soda through a straw?

It’s turning to higher-margin beverages at a time when cheap grocery prices are prodding more Americans to eat at home.

Seriously bro, I bought a box of Captain Crunch up in that bizz-atch for three Washingtons, took it home and got down. I have defeated the "restaurant" trick bag and am woke as fudge.

Last year, the chain advertised two-for-$2 and two-for-$5 deals to bring back diners they’d lost after nixing its popular Dollar Menu.

Yeah, nice try. My dinner budget is one George plus applicable sales tax and that's not negotiable.

“Demand has been a little weak,” said Jack Russo, analyst at Edward D. Jones & Co. “A lot of these guys think they’ve got to keep promoting to keep people coming in the door.”

Some of these em effers think you have to offer deals or whatever. It's crazy.

The McDonald’s promotion, which starts in April, will include soft drinks of any size for $1.

Yes, even "medium."

The strategy aims to create “noticeable changes” for customers, said Adam Salgado, vice president of U.S. marketing at Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s. 

We've given up on subliminals, at least for now.

“It’s adding another layer of great value for customers with more choices.”

You will note that it's just a minor price adjustment and there are no actual new choices, but by the time you figure it out I'll be on a plane headed for South America.

Snack maker PepsiCo Inc. said on a Feb. 15 conference call that it expects commodity inflation to accelerate this year. Potbelly Corp., a U.S. sandwich chain, also warned about rising costs.

Pathetic Fat and Inactive Piles of Human Waste LLC warned that current indicators suggest a market correction is coming soon.

Starbucks Corp. and Dunkin’ Donuts, meanwhile, both have rewards programs that lock customers in with free and discounted beverages and food.

Buy ten cheeseburgers and the eleventh is 10% less! Here, stick this card in your wallet with all the others!

“We know that there are budget-conscious consumers out there,” he said. “Value will always be a part of our strategy.”

With that in mind, we're cancelling the "McCaviar" sandwich.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Not Lovin' It!

It's been hard times for the Clown Burger lately, with uneducated and unskilled workers demanding competitive Fortune 500 salaries, all day Breakfast Balls wreaking havoc on service and employee morale (At least the guy from "Falling Down" is happy), the fitness movement we are told should be kicking off any day now threatening profits and the revelation that the "meat" is actually this vile pink sludge that most carrion animals would avoid. If all of that wasn't enough, and it is, you've now got to add thuggery and slap-fighting to this potent cocktail of fast grease-food failure. Yes, it turns out that the Arches of Gold are showing a bit of tarnish, but they're going to battle to the finish, desperately trying to get that tie back the entire while.

A McDonald's drive-thru employee and an unhappy customer exchanged several blows in a brutal fight Monday night and it was all caught on camera.

It's "brutal" in the same way that Tom and Jerry cartoons are, but since society has perfected itself and physical violence is practically unheard of you can see why we have to warn you.

The shocking footage was filmed by Gabe Hart, another customer who pulled in to the drive-thru to snag a Big Mac at the restaurant on Stinson Boulevard located in the Quarry shopping northeast Minneapolis, Minnesota.

What started as a plan to take "Cheeseburger Selfies" somehow became something much, much more.

'I hadn't eaten much since lunch time, and I was driving by a McDonald's , so I thought I'd just swing in and pick up a Big Mac,' Hart told LiveLeak.

I live a rich and meaningful life, full of decidedly non-banal activities, but when you're hungry you're hungry.

'It looked like when the McDonald's guy handed him his cash and change back he dropped some of the dude's change.'

The value of our personal dignity: less than one dollar in coins.

'That's when he got out of his car, spit on the drive through window and tried to punch the McDonald's guy and that's when I started recording.'

It must be depressing for the employee to realize that even while under direct attack from a coin-pinching lunatic he's still "The McDonald's Guy." Would you like some dehumanization with that?

The 67-second long video starts with the driver, who is wearing shorts, dragging the employee, 22-year-old Bernard Robinson III, nearly half way out of the restaurant's small window by his uniform tie.  

First thing: they make burger-flippers wear ties now? No wonder they expect executive salaries. Second: the tie is nothing but weakness. It can land in soup, it's uncomfortable on the neck even in the best of times and it clearly provides a very convenient "Get over here!" handle for belligerent valued customers.

As another team member at the restaurant stands behind Robinson, he can be heard on tape yelling, 'Man, he got my m******-f****** tie.'  

Under the circumstances it's as sensible a comment as any other.

At the same time, Robinson grips the customer's head and appears to be trying to pull him inside through the window while saying, 'Get your a** in here.' 

Just take off the neck rag! You have the power to end this!

The sound on the footage becomes slightly inaudible, as the customer says something to Robinson who responded by saying, 'When you let go of my tie, I'm f***** you up.'

Well, if that's the case I'm not letting go.

I've got your twenty dollars an hour right here.

Shortly after, the customer loses his grip and the pair finally separate as the video ends.  

Nobody learned anything and now my freedom fries will probably be cold.

He explained that a member of his crew needed to make change for the customer's $100 bill he used to pay for his $3 item. 

Between this guy and the guy that pays in pennies it's a small miracle these incidents aren't constantly happening.

'I'm arguing with the guy, one of my crew tries to close the window, and he pushes it open,' Robinson stated.

I've already excised the parts were I was the aggressor so I'll look better.

McDonald's director of operations issued the following statement about the fight to Mail Online: 'We are aware of the concerning incident involving an employee and a customer earlier this week. We are working with the local police in their investigation of this matter.'

"Education and awareness are the key to stopping these incidents."

Full Article.

Komment Korner

He got a big smack and fries  

take that tie off. round two. BEGIN!

In the UK, case would be dropped due to lack of evidence

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: McDonalds Employee Sold Heroin In Happy Meals

The life destroying downward spiral that's both sexy as hell and so unfortunate, tsk, is now as simple as going through a McDonald's drive-thru. Or at least it was. I'm assuming that whole "arrest" thing probably slowed the sale of Cambodia's Best from the local clown burger, at least for a little while.

Pittsburgh drug detectives say they arrested a McDonalds worker who was selling heroin in happy meals.

I'm loving it. Golden Triangle goodness in a cheery package, this is the American Dream realized.

The District Attorney Narcotics Enforcement team received information that the employee was selling the heroin at the McDonalds restaurant at 6361 Penn Avenue in the Bakery Square section of East Liberty.

Whether millions and millions had been served is, at press time, still unknown.

Undercover agents, along with officers from Swissvale, North Versailles, and McKees Rocks were able to set up a controlled buy at the restaurant Wednesday afternoon.

Yes, it took a small army of civil servants to defeat a minimum wage employee who was sticking Chinese Rock into kiddie meals.

Officers say customers looking for heroin were instructed to go through the drive-through and say “I’d like to order a toy.”

Because no one without the Asian Monkey on their back would ever make that request. Next time pick a code phrase that no non-junkie customer would ever utter. Some recommendations include "I'm looking for something that isn't greasy as all hell" and "What would you recommend from your menu for a pre-workout?"

The customer would then be told to proceed to the first window where they would be handed a happy meal box containing heroin.

"Well, here's the toy we ordered for you Junior...apparently the new Disney film features a hero made of white powder?"

Still healthier than some of the other things on the menu.

It is unknown at this point how long this process had been going on or how many like transactions may have taken place prior to today.

It's also unknown whether any of the sensations our senses record have any external reality. We can't even be entirely sure of mathematical proofs, because a demon might be deceiving us.

Employee Shania Dennis from East Pittsburgh was arrested in the bust.

That one arrest cost the tax-payers $200,000.

Detectives say they don’t think this heroin bust is related to the potentially lethal batches of heroin being sold in Western Pennsylvania.

"Our heroin is made from only the best ingredients, hand grown in Vietnam."

At least 22-deaths have been blamed on that potent, Fentanyl laced heroin. 

Blame it on the potent, Fentanyl laced heroin, because it doesn't care.

Don't visit the ad-laden source. http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/01/29/detectives-mcdonalds-employee-sold-heroin-in-happy-meals/

Komment Korner  

gives a new meaning to "junk" food

Fire all the drug police, and sell their helicopters, tanks, machine guns, boats and cars. Invest the money in healthcare and addiction treatment.

I assume all on here will be talking smack, right?

And I'm wrong about feeling no sympathy for junkies again...why?

Only thing on the menu that's worth getting.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.