Wednesday, April 12, 2017

News You Can't Use: Young Driver Gets Help From YouTube

Arguably the best aspect of today's story is how the headline suggests we're going to get an inspiring tale of a dorky sixteen year-old who conquered his awkwardness and learned how to drive with a little help from the magic of the information network. Instead of this sort of eighties sex comedy hi-jinks, the actual story is about an eight-year-old driven mad by a craving for pink slime from the local burger box who then drove a car. It's wacky and funny because no one died! This time.

An 8-year-old East Palestine boy used YouTube videos to learn how to drive his father’s van to McDonald’s on Sunday.

HELLO EVERYBODY!!! MY NAME IS SUPERKITTEN854849 and today we're going to continue our "let's drive" game with a VAN! Please like and subscribe. Here's some links for donations. Be sure to share this video. If you already liked and subscribed, please create several new accounts and like and subscribe with those. I'm now on Patreon. Be sure to follow me on Twitter. All right, time to put this thing in drive. We'll just shift to do that...and hit that Dee! Get it? That's a joke! Did you donate yet? The red subscribe button, go ahead and click it.

East Palestine Patrolman Jacob Koehler responded to the restaurant that evening after the police department received reports from several people who witnessed the boy driving the van effortlessly through the downtown area.

"Effortlessly." As opposed to when I drive, with veins popping out of my forehead, sweating like Sean Spicer after saying something moronic about basic 20th Century history, using ample sailor talk and generally struggling just to maintain.

Koehler said that according to reports from witnesses Matt Stanley, David and Rachel Crowe and Lindsey Balmenti, the boy obeyed all traffic laws, stopping properly at red lights and waited for traffic to pass before making the left turn into the McDonald’s parking lot.

Clearly we should lower the driving age to eight, because a lot of adults don't follow these basic rules and like, society, man, besides [awkward reference to the movie "Idiocracy goes here].

When he pulled up to the drive-through window after ordering a cheeseburger he had been craving and intended to pay for using money he gathered from his piggy bank, the McDonald’s workers at first thought they were being pranked.

I was worried my deep personal dignity as a burger-flipper was under attack by outside forces.

“I think there is a good teaching point here. With the way technology is anymore kids will learn how to do anything and everything. This kid learned how to drive on YouTube. He probably looked it up for five minutes and then said it was time to go,” he added.

Yeah. That's almost certainly the correct lesson to take away and not something about "absentee parents" or "our dying country."

“He didn’t hit a single thing on the way there. It was unreal,” he said.

Speaking of not hitting a single thing, how about that local baseball team, haw haw.

He also said that he was able to get the keys to his father’s locked van by standing up on his tip-toes to get to where they were hanging.

Yet another miracle! How does he do it? Totally unreal, dudemar.

The boy, in tears when he realized he had done something wrong, told Koehler he just really wanted a cheeseburger.

Also I'm not on drugs, I'm just thinking.

Koehler said it was not a case of neglect — the boy and his sister had already eaten breakfast, lunch and dinner that day, but he still really wanted that cheeseburger.

We can all agree this is some of the best parenting ever displayed outside of a "Home Alone" film.

The children were picked up by their parents at the station and no charges were filed.

We're overworked as it is. *eats doughnut, falls asleep*

Full Article. 

Komment Korner 

I hope his dad whupped him for not going to Wendy's.  

The kid later said he was almost finished watching a video series on open heart surgery. We'll see what happens next.

and this is news why?????

Emergency update to Youtube vid... " do not use drive through services if you are a toddler or young child driver."

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

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