News You Can't Use: McDonald's to Cut Prices on Drinks as Industry Slumps

Having the world's most extensive strategic arsenal of high fructose corn syrup beverages is bound to come in useful at some point. Maybe we can water crops with the bubble water, something like that? Or perhaps it could be used to save the slumping fast food industry, which has been hamstrung by the fitness craze sweeping the nation, the new and exotic so-called "grocery store" and our recent decision to raise the minimum wage to a thousand dollars an hour, making everyone super wealthy because that's how economics works. Now the hope rests on watered-down syrup delivery systems aimed at the human resource who is not aware that you can buy the real stuff dirt cheap at that weird, snobbish "grocer" I already mentioned.

McDonald’s Corp., reeling from an industrywide restaurant slump and slowing growth from its all-day breakfast push, is looking to beverages to help perk up the business.

Once I could get breakfast balls at 11:01 a.m.without making a giant scene I pretty much lost all interest in purchasing them. Give me something else to dream on, pink slime industry.

The world’s biggest food-service company, which last year focused its advertising on cheeseburgers and chicken sandwiches, plans to offer $1 sodas and $2 McCafe specialty drinks across the U.S.

The critically acclaimed "I'll give you these cheeseburgers/I don't want any cheeseburgers" advertising campaign somehow failed. Perhaps I can offer you something else. Suck a soda through a straw?

It’s turning to higher-margin beverages at a time when cheap grocery prices are prodding more Americans to eat at home.

Seriously bro, I bought a box of Captain Crunch up in that bizz-atch for three Washingtons, took it home and got down. I have defeated the "restaurant" trick bag and am woke as fudge.

Last year, the chain advertised two-for-$2 and two-for-$5 deals to bring back diners they’d lost after nixing its popular Dollar Menu.

Yeah, nice try. My dinner budget is one George plus applicable sales tax and that's not negotiable.

“Demand has been a little weak,” said Jack Russo, analyst at Edward D. Jones & Co. “A lot of these guys think they’ve got to keep promoting to keep people coming in the door.”

Some of these em effers think you have to offer deals or whatever. It's crazy.

The McDonald’s promotion, which starts in April, will include soft drinks of any size for $1.

Yes, even "medium."

The strategy aims to create “noticeable changes” for customers, said Adam Salgado, vice president of U.S. marketing at Oak Brook, Illinois-based McDonald’s. 

We've given up on subliminals, at least for now.

“It’s adding another layer of great value for customers with more choices.”

You will note that it's just a minor price adjustment and there are no actual new choices, but by the time you figure it out I'll be on a plane headed for South America.

Snack maker PepsiCo Inc. said on a Feb. 15 conference call that it expects commodity inflation to accelerate this year. Potbelly Corp., a U.S. sandwich chain, also warned about rising costs.

Pathetic Fat and Inactive Piles of Human Waste LLC warned that current indicators suggest a market correction is coming soon.

Starbucks Corp. and Dunkin’ Donuts, meanwhile, both have rewards programs that lock customers in with free and discounted beverages and food.

Buy ten cheeseburgers and the eleventh is 10% less! Here, stick this card in your wallet with all the others!

“We know that there are budget-conscious consumers out there,” he said. “Value will always be a part of our strategy.”

With that in mind, we're cancelling the "McCaviar" sandwich.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.