News You Can't Use: Chinese Authorities 'Arrest' Ronald McDonald Statue

We have always been allies with EastAsia and because of this eternal friendship it makes sense to attempt to better understand our good buddies who generously loan us non-manipulated currency and take undesirable jobs off our hands. Our own culture of clowns, pink mystery burgers and epidemic obesity might in some ways clash with their benevolent good nature, so perhaps today's story will be instructive in insuring that our highly fulfilling equal partnership continues into the bright future that surely awaits.

Chinese authorities weren’t lovin’ Ronald McDonald this week, hauling away a statue of the clown that was blocking sidewalk foot traffic.

Nothing like a little goofy joking around to make a totalitarian state much more palatable to the sort of person who reads a newspaper that prints important stories like "Best Sex Ever." A few wacky modified burger slogans makes it all better. That entire student massacre, talk about bad time, bad taste. Did somebody say repressive dictatorship? We love to see you against a wall or in slave labor. There's something for everybody to love in that gulag. Have you had your two minutes hate today?

Uniformed code enforcement officers in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou ripped the Ronald McDonald figure off its base, leaving only his big red shoes behind, as shoppers in the Huadu District of commerce hub Guangzhou looked on in amazement Sunday.

I mean, we're used to you treating human beings in the most horrible fashion possible, but a statue of a clown mascot? What is the future, Winston? Imagine wacky clown shoes stomping on a human face, forever.

The city had been warning operators of this McDonald’s that its statue was hindering pedestrian traffic, according to state organ the People’s Daily.

People disappear for having unpopular thoughts, but on the other hand pedestrian rights are aggressively defended. Maybe I was wrong in my initial judgments.

“If the McDonald’s staff admit their violation and accept the punishment, they can have their statue back.”

If you'd just win that war over yourself we could put old Bad Ronald up again.

When capitalism and communism combine and retain all their worst elements.

Pictures of Ronald McDonald’s arrest have gone viral, and opened authorities up for mockery across China. 

Don't worry, it's nothing a series of summary punishments can't solve.

One user of the popular social media platform Sina Weibo wondered if Chinese authorities were acting under orders from a rival, powerful military figure named Col. Sanders.

Trampling on human rights is hilarious. If nothing else we've proven that.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: McDonalds Employee Sold Heroin In Happy Meals

The life destroying downward spiral that's both sexy as hell and so unfortunate, tsk, is now as simple as going through a McDonald's drive-thru. Or at least it was. I'm assuming that whole "arrest" thing probably slowed the sale of Cambodia's Best from the local clown burger, at least for a little while.

Pittsburgh drug detectives say they arrested a McDonalds worker who was selling heroin in happy meals.

I'm loving it. Golden Triangle goodness in a cheery package, this is the American Dream realized.

The District Attorney Narcotics Enforcement team received information that the employee was selling the heroin at the McDonalds restaurant at 6361 Penn Avenue in the Bakery Square section of East Liberty.

Whether millions and millions had been served is, at press time, still unknown.

Undercover agents, along with officers from Swissvale, North Versailles, and McKees Rocks were able to set up a controlled buy at the restaurant Wednesday afternoon.

Yes, it took a small army of civil servants to defeat a minimum wage employee who was sticking Chinese Rock into kiddie meals.

Officers say customers looking for heroin were instructed to go through the drive-through and say “I’d like to order a toy.”

Because no one without the Asian Monkey on their back would ever make that request. Next time pick a code phrase that no non-junkie customer would ever utter. Some recommendations include "I'm looking for something that isn't greasy as all hell" and "What would you recommend from your menu for a pre-workout?"

The customer would then be told to proceed to the first window where they would be handed a happy meal box containing heroin.

"Well, here's the toy we ordered for you Junior...apparently the new Disney film features a hero made of white powder?"

Still healthier than some of the other things on the menu.

It is unknown at this point how long this process had been going on or how many like transactions may have taken place prior to today.

It's also unknown whether any of the sensations our senses record have any external reality. We can't even be entirely sure of mathematical proofs, because a demon might be deceiving us.

Employee Shania Dennis from East Pittsburgh was arrested in the bust.

That one arrest cost the tax-payers $200,000.

Detectives say they don’t think this heroin bust is related to the potentially lethal batches of heroin being sold in Western Pennsylvania.

"Our heroin is made from only the best ingredients, hand grown in Vietnam."

At least 22-deaths have been blamed on that potent, Fentanyl laced heroin. 

Blame it on the potent, Fentanyl laced heroin, because it doesn't care.

Don't visit the ad-laden source. http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/01/29/detectives-mcdonalds-employee-sold-heroin-in-happy-meals/

Komment Korner  

gives a new meaning to "junk" food

Fire all the drug police, and sell their helicopters, tanks, machine guns, boats and cars. Invest the money in healthcare and addiction treatment.

I assume all on here will be talking smack, right?

And I'm wrong about feeling no sympathy for junkies again...why?

Only thing on the menu that's worth getting.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.