News You Can't Use: Chinese Authorities 'Arrest' Ronald McDonald Statue

We have always been allies with EastAsia and because of this eternal friendship it makes sense to attempt to better understand our good buddies who generously loan us non-manipulated currency and take undesirable jobs off our hands. Our own culture of clowns, pink mystery burgers and epidemic obesity might in some ways clash with their benevolent good nature, so perhaps today's story will be instructive in insuring that our highly fulfilling equal partnership continues into the bright future that surely awaits.

Chinese authorities weren’t lovin’ Ronald McDonald this week, hauling away a statue of the clown that was blocking sidewalk foot traffic.

Nothing like a little goofy joking around to make a totalitarian state much more palatable to the sort of person who reads a newspaper that prints important stories like "Best Sex Ever." A few wacky modified burger slogans makes it all better. That entire student massacre, talk about bad time, bad taste. Did somebody say repressive dictatorship? We love to see you against a wall or in slave labor. There's something for everybody to love in that gulag. Have you had your two minutes hate today?

Uniformed code enforcement officers in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou ripped the Ronald McDonald figure off its base, leaving only his big red shoes behind, as shoppers in the Huadu District of commerce hub Guangzhou looked on in amazement Sunday.

I mean, we're used to you treating human beings in the most horrible fashion possible, but a statue of a clown mascot? What is the future, Winston? Imagine wacky clown shoes stomping on a human face, forever.

The city had been warning operators of this McDonald’s that its statue was hindering pedestrian traffic, according to state organ the People’s Daily.

People disappear for having unpopular thoughts, but on the other hand pedestrian rights are aggressively defended. Maybe I was wrong in my initial judgments.

“If the McDonald’s staff admit their violation and accept the punishment, they can have their statue back.”

If you'd just win that war over yourself we could put old Bad Ronald up again.

When capitalism and communism combine and retain all their worst elements.

Pictures of Ronald McDonald’s arrest have gone viral, and opened authorities up for mockery across China. 

Don't worry, it's nothing a series of summary punishments can't solve.

One user of the popular social media platform Sina Weibo wondered if Chinese authorities were acting under orders from a rival, powerful military figure named Col. Sanders.

Trampling on human rights is hilarious. If nothing else we've proven that.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Video Shows Officer Confronting Man Filming Arrests In Towson

Hello again comrades, how are you doing on this beautiful day our government has given us? I trust you're busy winning that victory over yourself. I am also doing great. This glass of Victory Gin might be the best I've ever tasted, as you probably guessed by the tears of joy sliding down my nose. I just heard we've pretty much got that war in EastIran won, isn't that exciting? Yes, I think so too. Anyway, here's a story about all of our freedoms.

A man videotaped Baltimore County police as they arrested two people in Towson, but an altercation broke out between the man and officer. Now an investigation is underway.

Clearly the government and its hero servants are correct, as always.

I hate to break character but this has to be said. Videotaped? Really? I'm pretty sure it's all digital now. Is "recorded" really such a difficult concept for the average troglodyte that still gets their news from mainstream sources? Do we have to provide comforting references to yesterday's obsolete technology so that no one panics?

County police officials say they are concerned by the video and they’ve launched an investigation.

Or, more accurately "We're concerned about the negative reactions of the serfs so we're launching a cover-up."

Early Sunday morning, a man videotaped as Baltimore County police arrested two people in Towson. As the video rolled, he was confronted by an officer.

Again with the videotape and even "rolling." What is this? I picture a giant 1940s movie camera. I'd love to hear this reporter explain YouTube. "It's like a giant collection of VHS and Beta tapes! You don't even have to rewind them!"

“I’m allowed to do this,” he told the officer.

“Get it out of my face,” the officer replied.

“I have my rights,” the man said.

“You have no rights,” the officer said.

The land of the get out of my face and the home of no rights whatsoever.

“Do you see the police presence here? Do you see us all? We’re not [expletive] around. Do you understand? Do not disrespect us and do not not listen to us,” the officer said. “Now walk away and shut your [expletive] mouth or you’re going to jail, do you understand?”

Protect and serve, that's what we do.

Imagine this guy messing with your VHS camcorder...forever.

“I thought I had freedom of speech here,” the man said.

“You don’t. You just lost it,” the officer replied.
 

While you were watching those awesome late-season replacement television shows we stripped away your most basic rights. Just thought you'd like to know. Reasonable search and seizure protections? Sorry, they just took a walk. Not having to quarter soldiers in your house? That right just evaporated a moment ago, tough break.

“I think the officer in the video is extraordinarily agitated, hostile and unprofessional. I think it’s highly problematic,” said David Rocah, ACLU Maryland. “The fact that officers can act this way, knowing that they’re being filmed, I think shows a level of impunity that is quite troubling.”
 

Naw, it's all fine. Come on.

“There needs to be either further training for the police and perhaps some appropriate disciplinary action for this individual policeman,” Rosenberg said.

All right cadets, today we start our special "This is not a totalitarian nightmare state" training. 

In a statement, county police officials say they recognize and respect the rights of citizens to film officers on duty in a public place, unless the person filming has violated a law or statute.

You can do whatever you want...as long as it doesn't violate the millions of laws and statutes that clearly say you can't. 

In the interest of Right Think do not visit the source or watch the "tape" of the incident available there.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.