News You Can't Use: Tom Brady on NFL Ratings: I Don't Follow the NFL Like I Used To

Primetime television ratings for the NFL declined by nearly 10% on average last season, after declining the previous season as well.

Extremely rich and completely awful human beings might be slightly less rich as a result. Concerned?

The dip prompted a national debate over the causes: bad games; too many games; Trump’s angry tweets; outrage over players kneeling in protest; domestic violence scandals; or too many injuries.

There were so many games, they were all bad, our President was on Twitter, everyone is hurt...time to turn off the electronic toilet.

On Tuesday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, arguably the biggest current active star in the sport, gave his take when asked by interviewer Jim Gray at the Milken Institute.

I guess we could have talked to some of the fans that tuned out, but Brady has this really cool mansion and we got to hang out in it.

“There’s so much for us to consume, as we all know,” Brady said. “There’s so much happening… I hate to say it: I don’t follow it like I used to, because, so many other things to follow."

I nominate "There's so much to consume" as America's new national motto.

There’s a lot more competition today than there’s ever been, I think, especially with social media, for people to consume information or to consume content.

This sentence doesn't make much sense, but consider all the buzzwords and pandering to current fads.

The NFL has had a great product, people love watching the game. I think it’s still doing better than every other program out there. But compared to a time when there was less things to do, it doesn’t live up to those standards.

I mean, Americans are so active now. Everyone's exercising, exploring nature, reading books, spending time with their children. I'm not serious, of course.

Of course, Brady has been at the center of a number of NFL public issues over the last few seasons, first for his role in “Deflategate,” the league’s investigation into whether Brady had Patriots employees remove air from footballs for him, and then for his public friendship with Donald Trump, who railed against NFL team owners last season for allowing players like Colin Kaepernick to kneel in protest during the national anthem.

Being friends with a mainstream politician who got elected to the highest office in the land is now a "public issue."

For Brady to say that he personally follows the rest of the NFL less than he used to is sure to grab attention—perhaps especially at league headquarters, where Commissioner Roger Goodell and other execs are eager to quash any notion that interest in pro football is on the decline.

Please ignore the objective statistical data that clearly shows this decline.

You might think the NFL won’t be pleased to hear one of its biggest stars say he follows his own sports less than in the past. On the other hand, Brady’s comment blames the ratings dip on a phenomenon that is hurting all live sports, rather than blaming the NFL itself.

Tom Brady isn't watching the basketball either.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Comedy Is Not Pretty, and Nowadays It Isn’t Even Funny

We are facing a humor famine. After many comfortable decades of braying like a buffoon while tears stream down your fat greasy face at dat funny doe, we're suddenly finding the knee-slapper harvest devoured by a dust bowl of thin skin, sanctimony and Right Think. Everything that might even generate a smile is offensive, if not Room 101 material, and acting as a jester for wealthy oligarchs is not the ticket to happy-town you might expect it to be. What's the solution, then? Well, there isn't any, but here's some more words bemoaning the sad state of affairs.

I found myself seated at my computer last month, watching on YouTube  

Wow, what a glamorous and exciting life you lead, Wall Street Journal columnist.

the comedian Bill Maher talk about Donald Trump’s marriage. If you don’t share Mr. Maher’s politics, you are likely to find him an odious, even loathsome character, for he doesn’t really exist outside politics. 

I would like to think we can all unite as one people in finding this guy to be loathsome. If we can't agree on something as self-evident as that, where else are we going to find common ground?

His standard tone is mockery, his modus operandi to lacerate his targets with obscenities, flash a nervous smile, and then bask in applause from his audience.

That Drumpf, he's an idiot! Fudge! Bushel baskets! *nervous smile* *wild applause*

I was watching Mr. Maher on YouTube to see how far he would go on the subject of the Trump marriage. Would he attack the Trumps’ 11-year-old son, or perhaps attack the family for not having a dog?

...and what's the deal with not having a dog? Every healthy home is also an amateur kennel, right?

His final punch line was that Melania Trump hadn’t accompanied her husband to Davos, Switzerland, because she had spent the day having to “lay a wreath on the tomb of the unknown trophy wife.”

Why would the trophy wife of a celebrity be "unknown" and why would his next wife be expected to mourn her? I may have found a logical problem, here.

Yet to have taken what I think of as the Trumpian option in their comedy has rendered these comedians charmless while strikingly limiting their audiences to those who share their politics.

Meanwhile, jokes about t.v. dinners, airline food, toilet seats and why 24 hour gyms have locking doors are going unmade.

I recently wrote a book on the subject of charm, in preparation for which I asked a great many people to name five persons in public life they thought charming.

I just want to mention I wrote a book and am something of a big shot. Stop with the lame promotion, buddy. No one wants to hear it. 

Yet these insufficiently funny comedians, with their crude political humor, do little more than add to the sad divisiveness that is rending the country.

We need more "getting along" jokes.

Right, looks like the bloody Labour Party has done it again...

Something, surely, has been lost if one can no longer turn to comedy as a relief from the general woes of life and the greater farce that has for some years now been playing out in our everyday politics. 

After all of that, you commit the same crime you were condemning.

Full Article.

Komment Korner    

We should be more diligent before taking a hardened position, let alone accepting someone else's.

I think what we need is some bubble wrap made for conservatives

I wished Samantha Bee would run for Congress.

Pieces like this erode the credibility of the organization.

want to really laugh?  look at a mirror.

Take a close look at your TV Remote device and you'll see a button saying, "ON." Don't press it (I don't).

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Which Way Super Powers: The Doomsday Prophecy

I am darkness. I am the night. I am the gosh darn Batman! Well, not really, but through the miracle of a 1986 Which Way book the illusion is nearly seamless. Yes, in addition to creating lazy third-rate Choose Your Own Adventure knock-offs, the Which Way series also obtained a license to use DC Comics characters like that Super guy and the flying rodent ninja. I really can't overstate what a big deal this poorly written and generally work-shy series was in its day: Simon & Schuster as a publisher, major crossover marketing, huge sales, it was all there. This is why any sensible individual would set their time machine for the mid-eighties. In any case, The Dark Knight! I'm having trouble controlling my hype level, even with the "Which Way" logo right there, mocking me and ensuring this one will be disappointing, at best.

This is gonna be totally rad!

The first let-down happens almost immediately, with the book being written in the third person. Yes, instead of being the hero Gotham deserves I'll merely be directing his actions at critical points. I really can't stress how disappointing this is. "Kids won't actually wanna be The Bat," I imagine a bloated money man shouting at the author. "So write this in a different style than all the other Which Way books. Now, it's time for me to go swim in money." This is almost certainly what happened.

Anyways, Bat Man (not me, him, gah) is driving toward the Bat Symbol when it's replaced with a "DEATH'S HEAD." Yes, that's the original capitalization. It must be some kind of set-up, possibly leading to DOOM!!! This is probably the worst first page in any of these books, combining being forced into the role of a largely passive observer with the shouting text and awful plot hook. Stick to bad television reception as a motivator, Which Way.

Meanwhile, the illustration of the Batmobile suggests the goofy television show and not the dark brooding hero of the movies. This is going to hurt. A lot.

I instruct the former League of Shadows disciple to radio Commissioner Gordon to see what the trouble is. He tells us it's not a big deal and the signal is being fixed and sometimes you get random DEATH'S HEAD issues with giant lamps, it's really nothing. Instead, I need to go to Washington D.C. for a 4th of July celebration because nothing spells summer fun like the grim protector of a decadent and dying city shaking hands and officiating the three-legged-race. You can't really argue with this logic.

Mr. Batman goes to Washington.

Naturally, Batman is greeted by Fake News immediately upon arriving at the swamp on the Potomac. Specifically, The Riddler has promised "the end of Batman," now that he's done "hacking" the 1984 election, I guess. Time to rush over to the White House and protect The Gipper from the least intimidating villain ever.

Then there's riddles and the power goes out. If there had been a Timothy Nolan movie with the Riddler, this would have been the plot, I guarantee it. The last student of Ra's al Ghul then solves a riddle and rushes over to the U.S. Mint to stop a "heist." This is the dark, gritty and intelligent action that we were promised. Riddler and his goons are waiting and attempt to crush the nocturnal predator with a giant novelty coin. Yeah. Really.

Our secret weapon to defeat Mr. Brexit and the Catalon Crusader.

Using a grappling hook Batman is able to redirect the coin and it somehow bounces around and defeats Mr. Question Mark and his goons. It's then explained that the plan was to "destroy the economy" with a glut of worthless money, which sounds more like an evil scheme from Soros Man than Edward Nigma's fey alter-ego. All is well, though, because we saved our currency from being deliberately debased by powerful evil figures and I'm sure we'll never end up 20 trillion in debt or whatever now.

I'll use fiat currency against the caped clod!

This wasn't, you know, "good," or anything, but it was short and forgettable. Since this is the goal of every Which Way book, it has to be considered a success, at least on some level. Also, nothing that happened had anything to do with either "doomsday" or "prophecy," but I guess "The Prancing Federal Reserve Criminal" is a strictly inferior as a title choice, false advertisement notwithstanding.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: DC Building Bans Balcony Banners

Anyone keeping a list of “Seemingly Harmless Things Ruined by Donald Trump, His Supporters, and His Detractors” can pencil in “banners that sports fans hang from their apartments”—at least in one building across the street from Nationals Park.

Another harmless thing ruined by the Democratic process and the fact that people are allowed to disagree for some reason. If we'd just eliminate all free expression, and we were making great progress until just recently by the way, we could go back to hanging banners. I feel a part of all of us has died.

Since the 11-story Camden South Capitol building opened in 2013, some residents of the units facing South Capitol Street—directly across from Nationals Park—have hung flags and pennants supporting DC’s baseball team.  

Do you like sports? Hey, great. I also enjoy sports. Clearly you can see the value of smoothing out unbelievably painful social interactions with our fellow biological work units, but dirty old politics is wrecking this.

“While we love our residents creativity and unique decorating, the time has come for us to remind all residents it is a lease violation if you…hang anything off of your balcony—yes this even include banners/flags supporting our beloved Washington Nationals,” reads the email from building manager Shaun Lambert.

We live in a nation of laws, as evidenced by our prisons packed with the wealthy and powerful who felt they could get away with things. Even your devotion to our beloved American Cricket squadron must be subsumed beneath the rule of law.

The likely inspiration for this sudden order, according to one resident, was a rush of political banners in the past few months, starting with a “Trump: Make America Great Again” flag that appeared shortly after last November’s election.

One guy was yelling this, so it seems plausible as an explanation.

But people in the building say it was the “Make America Great Again” flag that set off a sign war. An apartment one floor above the Trump-friendly apartment hung a flag proclaiming “Resist.”

We should be seeing "2 + 2 = 5" and "Ignorance is Strength" banners any day now.

The newest addition, which went up shortly before the start of baseball season, positions the word “Nope” accompanied by an upward arrow directly beneath the Trump sign.

My sophisticated and highly adult political discourse, full of cogent four-letter arguments.

And now, what was once a gallery of local sports fandom is just another political shouting match.

I just wanted to watch roided-up monsters hit dingers, but then you went all C-SPAN up in here.

 Mostly empty stadium offers advice to Congress.

His note also warns tenants against installing grills or household furniture, leaving unattended pets, and smoking on balconies.

I don't see how this pocket Hitler has the right to decide what I put in my mouth or how neglectful I am toward my furry friend-substitutes.

Tenants of Camden South Capitol who object to the redecoration order on First Amendment grounds are unlikely to prevail, according to Joel Cohn, the legislative director for DC’s Office of the Tenant Advocate.

When you signed that lease you gave up a lot of your inherent rights, sorry.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner   

I wouldn't want to live in a building with different kind of flags all over it. although, i wouldn't want to live in DC either

Suppression of other people's speech is a FEDERAL CRIME under our civil rights laws.

Anyone keeping a list of “Seemingly Harmless Things Ruined by Capitalism and Contracts” can pencil in “Witty Criticism of Idiots in Shared Common Areas of Condos."

No smoking on your own balcony?

I'm not even going to click on those hashtags.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Woman Mistakes Meeting for Trump Gathering, Smears Peanut Butter on Cars

Are you aware that there's an election in the United States coming up in November? Probably not, it's been a very noncontroversial and sedate lead-up to what is certain to be a well-supervised and fraud-free snout count. Still, it's a great time for people with faulty mental functioning and I don't just mean the chance to get paid by acting as shock troops for the Democrats. There's also just the chance to theme your meltdowns into something nice and topical instead of the usual "stop stalking me" or headbanging behavior.

An Amherst woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct after she smeared peanut butter on 30 vehicles she believed were parked outside a Trump gathering.

Savor this sentence like an aged cognac, in a few weeks it will all be over and the Ministry of Truth will be back to reporting our military victories in Yemen and how we're certainly not teetering on the edge of civil and/or nuclear war. For now, let's talk about a woman with bad head-wiring who meticulously applied Jiff, presumably after drawing little hearts in each can with a knife, to numerous vehicles. You're gonna need those proteins and massive calorie content after all that hard work.

Investigators said the gathering was actually a conservation group and had nothing to do with politics.

Trust me, our discussion circle on the little red book is completely apolitical.

The incident was reported Monday evening when the group's meeting was interrupted by a woman that appeared intoxicated. 

Yet another incident we can blame on demon juice. Don't worry, booze-bags are also on the shortlist of paid under-the-table in Soros paper donkey party professionals. 

According to the incident report, the woman identified by deputies as Christina Ferguson, 32, entered the meeting and began yelling she hated Donald Trump. The woman was asked to leave, and did.

I asked you to leave and you did. Everyone's happy.

Drinking is very sophisticated.

According to the incident report the woman used peanut butter to make phallic symbols and wrote profanity across the windshield of another vehicle.

This is really some high effort chaos for a prematurely aged cork-sucker. Let's meticulously draw the male wedding gear on dozens of cars. Also, cussing. It's almost like all those alcohol commercials are lying to us about all the fun we'll get out of binge drinking.

Ferguson had a preliminary breath alcohol concentration of .218.

When you're above the Mendoza Line with the old alcohol concentration you might find yourself in trouble.

Ferguson is free on bond. 

You call this justice? *pukes into dumpster*

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Civilization V Countdown: #5 America

America, fudge yeah! Is any more of an introduction necessary? Well, yes, obviously. America has always been a strange case in the Civilization games, a relatively recent "tribe" going against opponents with thousands of years worth of history in some cases. In later iterations of the game this became less of an issue, but it always struck me as strange to see Boston as a bronze-age city with clay buildings and stone monoliths. The bottom line is America was never a favorite of mine until Part 5, which really got it right with the USA, as it did with so many other things.

Why is America #5?

Part of me likes America just because it's off badmouthed as a weak civilization or an inferior version of other, better choices. Even the usually even-handed Civilization wiki feels the need to tell us that America has boring unique abilities and won't come into its own until the modern era. None of that is even true, let alone the bottom slot on tier list America sometimes inhabits. In reality the extra line of sight is a nice ability for the entire game, helping with both exploration and war and the cheaper tile purchases is nice for anyone who regularly buys tiles i.e. any competent player. The unique units are fun as well, with the Minutemen getting an advanced promotion right away and the B-17 bomber which is both powerful and hard to hurt. I'm not sure why there's all this negativity against America, but I am a bit of a contrarian (wait a few days for my Venice review...) and this is a fun civ to play as.

The leader is Washington this time (Lincoln has appeared as well and in part six we're getting a ridiculous cartoon version of Theodore Roosevelt) and he appears in Mount Vernon, complete with a picture of the Oracle on the wall, finally solving that whole ancient 'murrca problem. It's such a cool little detail, well done whoever got that put in there.

  If you print this out and fold it you can make his head into a mushroom.

Most Memorable Game as America?

What started with the usual peaceful development became a battle for survival against a very hostile Mongol horde that wanted me gone. About halfway through the war I was able to start building Minutemen and was soon using them to fight steppe riders in the forests around New York. It's moments like this which make this game so much fun. It was like the world's worst, or possibly best, alternative history novel. American revolutionaries throwing off the Mongol yoke, using their own novel tactics to counter a ruthless and bloodthirsty Genghis that wants to make them a Golden Horde colony. One of you #amwriting newbies needs to make this concept happen, I'm dead serious. 

M.A.G.A.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Facebook Changes to Trending Topics Questioned After Blunder

Clearly the information gathering social media sites are the best source for your daily news, such as it is. If you need to know, and trust me you need to know, about chicken sandwich themed debauchery we definitely have you covered on the old data mining honey trap. If you're looking for basic, correct information on whether or not a news bunny got fired you might want to keep on walking, but hey, even the Superb Owl winners lost during the regular season and the important thing is you keep feeding us your personal information for our consumerism offensives and future relocation initiatives, etc.

Facebook's changes to its "Trending Topics" section are being questioned after it featured a false report about Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly.

False information coming out of your eyes, coming out of your...whatever.

The story posted Saturday falsely claimed Kelly had been fired by Fox because she secretly supported Democrat Hillary Clinton.

It seems reasonable enough, since we all know faux news (Ha! Get it? Do you get it????) is a fascist echo chamber that has been aggressively promoting Donald Trump for over a year. No really, you're supposed to believe this.

Another topic trending was #McChicken, which took users to stories about a video of a man using the McDonald's sandwich in a sex act.

Please die, modern world.

Facebook announced Friday that an algorithm would select trending topics in place of humans but human editors would still screen them.

We'll combine the errors generated by computers with good old fashioned human error and incompetence and the end result should be a highly satisfying mix of political gas-lighting and junk food pornography.

 El Oh El

Menlo Park, California-based Facebook has apologized for the Kelly story, telling CBS News its editors mistakenly thought it was legitimate before realizing the error. 

It confirmed all our prejudices, so we assumed it was true without doing any due diligence. Oh well, you forgive us, right?

Facebook says that the McChicken topic doesn't violate its content policy and that any trending topic that reflects a real-world event may be featured.

You know what, Mr. Putin, if you "accidentally" hit that giant red button no one would blame you.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

In the Hall of the Trumpen King

March 9
THE ANTHROPOPHAGUS HAS QUITTED HIS DEN

March 10
THE CORSICAN OGRE HAS LANDED AT CAPE JUAN

March 11
THE TIGER HAS ARRIVED AT CAP

March 12
THE MONSTER SLEPT AT GRENOBLE

March 13
THE TYRANT HAS PASSED THOUGH LYONS

March 14
THE USURPER IS DIRECTING HIS STEPS TOWARDS DIJON

March 18
BONAPARTE IS ONLY SIXTY LEAGUES FROM THE CAPITAL
He has been fortunate enough to escape his pursuers

March 19
BONAPARTE IS ADVANCING WITH RAPID STEPS, BUT HE WILL NEVER ENTER PARIS

March 20
NAPOLEON WILL, TOMORROW, BE UNDER OUR RAMPARTS

March 21
THE EMPEROR IS AT FONTAINEBLEAU

March 22
HIS IMPERIAL AND ROYAL MAJESTY arrived yesterday evening at the Tuileries, amid the joyful acclamation of his devoted and faithful subjects

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

This Week in Legitimate Mainstream News from a Highly Credible Source

Lord President Trump Invades Canada, Allied Powers Declare War on America

This morning American panzer divisions crossed the Canadian frontier, laying waste to their pathetic wall-free border and striking deep into the poutine and hockey resources beyond. This is the latest in a string of fascist disasters since the election of the New York businessmen, and is expected to visit the same disaster and misery on you, the common loser person who must be spoon-fed correct opinions. What were you thinking when you elected this guy? Why did you ignore all the warnings from Soros and the Republican establishment and street criminals?

In a speech following the attack our Supreme Ruling Emperor, a man who was once declared "The Best Sex Ever" by a bikini model, called our soon to be subjugated northern neighbor "A total loser country, can't defend itself" and "low energy, total failure." In response, the forces of NATO have declared war on the GrossTrumpland, proving that it made sense to allow this bizarre Cold War relic to continue to exist for some reason.

Our unbiased ten-part examination, starting Monday.

Stock Market Crashes, Free Trade Disaster

Printing worthless money and allowing jobs to leave for foreign shores is simple good sense. Because of God King Trump this wise counsel was thrown out the window and now we're reaping the foul harvest. The Dow Jones Index opened at 34 and was somehow deep in the negatives by closing. This disaster left wealthy bastards slightly uncomfortable and will, presumably, impact you, the chattel serf. Why did you vote for this guy? If only a bunch of satirical articles in a formerly respected newspaper had been written but alas, that was not the case.

More Cold Weather, Trump Responsible

Winter sure is hanging around and it's obvious where to point the finger: a man from New York who owns numerous golf courses and as such caused irreparable damage to the climate of God's Green Earth. Trust me, folks, it's that darn Trump. Yup, you're darn tooting. It now appears likely that most of the planetary healing caused by the election of Obama has been undone and a second ice age and/or global warming meltdown is now inevitable. Why couldn't the Boston Onion raise the alarm eighteen months ago? Well, they didn't, we're screwed.  

I have a four year degree in journalism.

Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks

Looks like it's going to be a long year for your favorite sports team, a team that finds itself lacking talented veterans as well as promising young players. Instead, it's all scrubs. Lots of losing awaits, maybe even in the Big Game, and your guys won't even get a high draft pick because the Trump Sports Law gave all of those to whatever the New York team is. Unless that's your favorite team, then please pretend they're going to Omaha's squadron or whatever. Trump ruined it, vote for anyone else.

Obituaries

All of the following people died because of President Donald Trump...

EastAsia has always been our ally...

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Video Game Slush Pile: The Political Machine (2004)

As a Steam using Over Man I constantly have flat-pocket and distressingly limited free time thanks to the amazing quality and quantity of amazing PC strategy games it delivers like a morphine drip. It also means I've always got my eye out for the latest updates to franchises I was able to derive enjoyment from and hold back the crushing despair of existence with, which led me to purchase the latest Political Machine game on deep discount, having played the original over a decade previous.

Suffice it to say the new version is a massive disappointment, from the terrible graphics (What is with this trend of strategy games? You want terrible looking semi-3D, right strategy gamer?) to the shallow game-play that hasn't been significantly updated and has actually regressed in many ways. No primaries, no third parties, little in the way of random events, no campaign mode and a general sense that this was just a cash-grab aimed at people like myself who would buy it based on the title. Well, mission accomplished. Being able to play as Lord President Trump was small consolation.

The overall experience was so deflating it got me questioning whether this series was ever good to begin with and here we are with this Moon Landing tier event of finally inducting a PC game into the Video Game Slush Pile.

The cover art is just a reskinned version of the game "Vulture Wars."

 The concept of the game is simple enough: pick a candidate and win the now infamous 2004 "Anybody but Bush" election. The game offers a decent assortment of non-indicted criminals to chose from, including several individuals who, strictly speaking, aren't eligible to run (The Terminator Robot? Bill Clinton term three???). Each donor-controlled meat puppet is rated across several categories and, presumably, the ones other than "starting money" and "fund raising" have some effect on the game, although it was difficult for me to discern.

Once underway that game is a builder's paradise, assuming you don't mind having only one building and various commercials as options. Campaign Headquarters generate money and raise general awareness, while television, radio and newspaper advertisements can build up your issue ratings or attack your opponent on specific issues.

We ran out of budget and couldn't afford female pronouns.

There's a good range of issues to battle over. More controversial topics are more important to a majority voters while safe drivel like "More Jobs" or "Less Crime" won't hurt your support with anyone but also are lower tier in value. You win endorsements and hire specialists to further refine your image and even participate in amusing but largely useless interview mini-games. Beyond this the key to victory is to dominate the hot button issues with commercials, spread awareness and energy with your ground game and focus on key battleground states.

You can play through an entire campaign, unlocking defeated opponents from American history and facing an increasingly insane difficulty curve. I wasn't able to complete the campaign but I did reach the eighth candidate of ten (it was Ronald Reagan) which wasn't a bad run considering how much the odds are stacked against you at higher levels. 

Sort of like those Mortal Kombat towers but with more malaise and less beheading.

Graphics: The cartoon style on display here is superior in every possible way to the unaesthetic gunk offered up this year. Really.

Controls: You wouldn't think fast-twitch would be much of an issue, and you'd be wrong. To gain random campaign operatives you must be the first to fly to a state with a question mark in it and the AI is pretty brutal at getting there first at high levels. Sometimes you end of selecting multiple things, especially in smaller states on the default map size. Overall, it's good enough.

Depth: There's a full campaign, complete with unlockables. Each candidate should play slightly differently, at least in theory. You can create your own character as well, although this mode is fairly limited.

Overall: As an experimental title it's well worth a play. The same can not be said, obviously, of the garbage new version.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Watch Jeb Bush sink to an all time low

Before we start savoring today's video like a fine cognac I want to make it clear I made the decision to talk about this one before Jeb unconditionally signed the terms of surrender on the battleship USS Taj Mahal a few hours ago. In a very real sense I'm disappointed with this news and who can blame me, what with this sudden loss of a seemingly unexpendable vein of shameful joy created by Jeb! and his dead on arrival campaign for the presidency. I suppose we can either mourn for the pathetic depths that he won't sink to now or just be happy that we got to see the train-wreck in the first place. Good night sweet prince, here's hoping there's a big guac bowl and an ill-fitting hoodie waiting for you in the Better Place.

Holla at me dawg. Unnnnnnnnnnn.

Today's subject is provided by something called "Patriot Planet," presumably a news source for those of us who can't get enough cloying jingoism, chirping news bunnies and highly biased ineptly delivered reporting but are unable to get FOX news because a flood done washed out the tower. As you might expect we open with an image of our pale blue dot with the American flag superimposed (Just try to stop us, other nations!) and a teaser promising a new low for Jeb, because every video on Youtube assumes that the viewer hasn't read the title and needs to have it delivered baby food style, open wide moron, here it comes.

Making sure not to look at the hard camera "Cynthia May" gives us the goods, explaining how America has been spared from Bush III, who was last seen begging for approval from his own ostensible supporters. Miss May describes the low energy we're about to witness as being "somewhat impassioned" which I guess is the "Research paper that looked like it was written by a functional illiterate suffering from late-stage syphilis still gets a C+ at the student loan factory" equivalent for politics. 

The crowd apparently missed a "cue," causing embarrassing silence. Animals, children and GOP establishment rally-goers, they're just impossible to work with. I'll be in my trailer, call me when those amateurs get it together.

Come home Jeb, your family and friends are worried about you.

On to the actual footage and, sure enough, the man that somehow raised eight figures worth of federal reserve play money in exchange for single digit vote percentages is discussing the path of peace with the sort of subdued and completely burned-out apathy of a public school teacher in a remedial reading class who's three days from retirement. A "please clap" earns the socially prescribed imitation of seal flippers and I've honestly never seen a man so completely broken. Cynthia grinds in additional indignity by mentioning the 100 million wasted, money that could have purchases 50 million fairly decent tacos or maybe fixed some of those collapsing bridges or whatever.

The man without a last name's "desperate losing battle" is discussed, complete with references to how he was "picked on" by Trump. You're going in the locker Jeb, as soon as I get done filling your shirt with leaves. In fine well-researched non-sheeple news tradition we're assured that the Florida governor is not about to give up and should be able to waste millions more. If only. Think of the consulting fees we could have wrung out of this loser, but he had to pack it in despite forming a truly pathetic tag-team with Lindsey "Zero Percent" Graham. 

The refreshing and with-it voice of a new generation.

Cynthia makes the same intervention joke I made earlier and I realize that this clip contained barely any footage of Jeb going down in flames and was mostly just her yapping, but confident music is already playing us out (I don't know what that means) so now is not the time to dwell on technicalities.

The high moral and technical standards of "Patriot Planet" are somewhat undermined by a teaser at the end promising us "celebrity gossip." I thought we were gonna fight the N.W.O., not find out who was in a bikini. Man, everyone's a phony.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBLVHpPxnho&spfreload=10

Komment Korner  

First comment yay!   

LOL, I think a better thing to say would be "it's O.K. to clap" 

lol. "now it's a great time for intervention"

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Which Way Books #22: The Champ of TV Wrestling

Exploring an avarice fantasy via the always reliable Twist-a-Plot vehicle apparently left such a bad impression that several months have passed without any of my very good and necessary reviews of something that couldn't be more culturally irrelevant. Fortunately I'm coming back with a good one: Pro Rasslin'! Break down the cockpit doors, Barbara and Scott Siegel! *snort* ASSUME THE CONTROLS. Put this sucker into the nosedive of lazy sarcasm and pretentious elitism toward something intended for eighties children. And right before the crash you'll realize you're not far from PARTS UNKNOWN. And by that, of course, I mean let's get to the page flipping.

And hey, this is a high number Which Way release, so certainly the story-telling and writing quality will have evolved considerably and the creators certainly won't be farming things out to talent poor husband-wife teams. Major spoiler: wrong. 

Before I started owning factories you could find my sexy body dominating in the squared circle.

In fine Which Way tradition I'm galvanized into action and adventure by an issue with the old moron box. At least this time the reception is good, but there's another issue, arguably far worse. The world's worst human being, Carl the Colossus has acquired the ten pounds of gold through nefarious means and is now all up on my tube, calling the fans idiots and bashing the local sports team or whatever. I decide to dedicate my life to overthrowing the usurped reign of this vile rule-breaker.

Yeah, that's the story. I'm an adult who thinks the spandex ballet is real and honestly believe it's my duty as a good citizen to defeat the baddie with the belt. How, you're probably wondering, does this book think one would accomplish this ridiculous modern version of Don Quixote quest? The answer is nothing short of amazing: jogging, jumping rope, swimming and practicing my holds (i.e. putting my puny little brother in "sleepers" and "scorpion deathlocks"). Yes, friends, this is how you do it. No acting classes, no practicing doing the moves in a cooperative fashion in a wrestling school, no needle drugs, just jog a little. Don't even run fast, it's fine.

I got this physique by doing some light cardio and eating vegetables.

After this rigorous preparation for the Testosterone Soap Opera I'll probably have to start small, right? Well, no, it's right in front of 20,000 "marks" to prove my skills in a legitimate, real fight against either future business magnate and kinky lover Vampire Vic or 500 pound Awesome Al. Yes, the new guy even gets to pick his opponent. Man, this whole "TV Wrestling" thing is the easiest, best job in the world.

Not wishing to be battered with floggers and forced to scream out the safe word in the throes of ecstasy that's described with terrible prose by the blood-drinking industrialist I instead opt to take on the quarter-tonner. Honestly, this is America, is five bills really even all that unusual? I guess hyper-obesity was more of a novelty in 1986. Still, considering this guys awful physique and terrible gimmick (I've got an alliterative name!) one would think the fresh face would get the push from good old booker man.

Wrestled after "Interview" and before "Twilight," jobbed to everyone.

My "this guy will break his own ankles or have a cardiac event just from moving around while my excellent light exercise conditioning will carry me to victory" expectation proves to be overly optimistic when A.A. proves surprisingly athletic, dodging my lame amateur wrestling shot attempt. Next thing I know I'm eating a "knee drop." You'd think having that much weight collapsing on your spinal column would quickly spell the end, but I'm not even hurt and quickly bust out some UFC submission holds on this guy, things like poking my chin into the guys shoulder, creating crippling mild discomfort. Got you now, sucker!

At this point Al starts whispering instructions, which in reality would have been going on the entire "match," but in this book's universe kayfabe is alive and well. He wants me to lose on purpose, or in other words put on a professional, excuse me, TV, wrestling match. Oddly enough he insists the need for this cooperation is to catch a criminal in the arena, rather than saying "Hey dumbass, this is supposed to be fake, stop making me look bad and do the j-o-b." 

I'll do some skip rope and then defeat Hulk Hogan in a real fight.

I decide to "smarten up" and go along with the show, probably at least somewhat embarrassed that I was so gullible. Next he'll tell me the champion doesn't really care about local sports and is just calling us poorly educated sharecroppers so we'll buy tickets to see him get comeuppance. Everything was a lie, next those Santa truthers will wreck that. Of course, we all know wrestling is entirely above board, so my corpulent rival promptly "shoots" on me by flinging me into orbit. Yes. At least the book treats this as lighthearted fun and doesn't describe how I literally explode and die a horrific and meaningless high altitude death just because I noticed the two hate-filled enemies in the ring seem to be cooperating with each other to do the moves.

It's still real to me.

One would think the wacky world of "sports entertainment" would lend itself to some goofy fun, but the end result was disappointing. The clear contempt for the subject matter (TV Wrestling? You can't call it by its real name?) and the reader shines through, as if the writers thought they were too good for the topic, but hey, there's money to be made. I'd call this a lost opportunity, insofar as failing to adequately depict "to be the man, you've got to beat the man" fantasies qualify for "That could've been something incredible! If only!"

Got angry at bad guy politicans, did some jogging, jump rope and real estate business.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Liveblogging Saturday Night Live

10:20 CST It took an almost unbelievable convergence of events, but I'm actually excited about watching what passes for comedy on network television. Please keep in mind that I regard the moron box and popular culture in general as, not to put too fine a point on it, a steaming pile of fetid rotting garbage coated with puke and left in the oppressive glare of the Day Star. However, this is no mere "Ow my balls" episode, as our future president will be joining in the hee hawing. This is the Moon Landing of the current generation. A show that hasn't been culturally relevant in decades and hasn't been funny in longer than that is about to bring the goods, plus there's some horrible pop act as a "musical guest" because let's see you write ninety minutes of humor that wouldn't even make a sober person smile a little, tough guy.

10:23 Turns out there's a football game tomorrow, according to the local news. Oh man, drop everything, it's super important.

10:29 Posting on Twitter, because I'm a master of all technologies, not just ink on paper.

10:31 Pity laughter for "forum" humor.

10:32 Also there will be "D" and "L" in tonight's episode, so no watching this until you're eight, little Timmy.

10:34 Is the Trump gonna start soon? Seriously, enough foreplay let's get this thing on.

10:36 Can we get some "kayak" applause going? No? How about some "old" jokes?

10:39 Live from New York, home of CHUDs, mole people, heroin addicts in Hello Kitty costumes, the Death Wish vigilante, etc.

10:41 Power tie, hair fully deployed, the nice guy is here.

10:44 Actually trolling the "yell out racist" bounty, I'm dying here. And that's already it. Well, we needed to draw out the Bernie Sanders boating sketch, I guess. 

Let me tell my vacuum pennies joke, please?

10:50 The check for the wall arrives, first legitimate laugh in this segment.

10:52 This would be about the point your ordinary teevee viewer would need to empty the drool dish.

10:53 Already cigarette paper thin concept beaten into the ground, yup, that's network comedy all right.

10:56 Fallout 4. Look forward to losing hundreds of hours to that when I finally go next-gen in 2019.

10:59 Live tweeting the next sketch. This is a mirror pointed at another mirror, now.

11:01 Tweets with no hash tags. I guess they have to kind of hold the hand of the average television viewing troglodyte who wouldn't get the joke here anyway.

11:04 Look at the dance moves, they're silly! Should be good for an eight minute sketch, maybe longer.

11:07 The "Walmart Sitcom" the world was just begging for. You've come a long way from "Is that where you buy walls?" television writers.

11:09 Is this like a Lady Gaga tribute band or something?

11:10 You know what would make this performance better? Kata.

11:12 We need more songs about the amazing virtues of breathing.

11:17 Ben Carson and his grain pyramids get a low-effort going over.

11:21 Sorry "penis" is not inherently funny.

11:24 Time for some of that patented East Coast contempt for middle America.

11:26 Cutting-edge "all look the same" humor. I've got another thirty minutes worth of this. Gah.

11:28 Oh I get it...alcoholism. Ha.

11:32 ...see the kids today don't know about the jazz. Also, laser harp.

11:37 Wow, unrated and with so-called "deleted scenes?" On DVD? What a time to be alive.

11:40 This show is breaking down my will to resist.

11:42 Please help me record my demo, Mr. Trump.

11:48 Lindsay Graham phone humor, I guess I'll take it.

11:49 Cool, an entirely new bland, unappealing and aesthetically ridiculous performance.

11:50 She's been cocooned, just like the others.

11:55 Saving the best for last, clearly.

11:57 Boner. Why aren't you laughing? Don't you get it???

11:58 Nixon humor, nice and topical like the core audience of this drivel likes it.

12:00 What kind of show runs past the hour? This is a shuck.

12:01 How do you see with that hair? Also, vote Trump.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: You Can't Stump the Trump (Volume 4)

Ordinarily this is a somewhat frivolous endeavor, chronicling amusing but largely unimportant topics like sovereign citizens battling police tyranny, human resource betrayal and why watching someone else remotely play a video game represents a major step forward in the field of time homicide. Not so today, as what we're about to experience is truly time capsule material, the kind of thing that defines an era and a generation, a "where were you" type moment that will be seared into your cortex like an "X" into the buttocks of a freshly lassoed bullock. We've got our next president and our next refreshing generation coming together and yes, there will be dubstep.

This panel of Republican hopefuls continues to the right for another four hundred feet.

We hit the ground running with footage from the first Republican debate, back when there were about seventy candidates each vying for a chance to lose in the general election and also this guy from reality television who probably will fizzle out any moment now, unlike this legion of Mitt Romney impersonators. Like any good video we open with narration from some public domain nature film, the sort of thing that might be on your TeeVee when you start doing the wild thing during the late show and the channel changer gets trapped beneath the love-making and flicks its way into the high 800s.

The New York businessman, golf course owner and right-wing extremist gestures broadly as the narration compares him to a certain kind of centipede noted for its alacrity and ability to inject poison into other, lesser, venomous vermin. Maybe not the heroic comparison I would have gone for, but on the other hand who wouldn't vote for someone capable of injecting paralyzing venom into the enemies of our freedoms?

Hope and change.

Scary music plays as the camera closes is on the Main Man and it's time to begin the stumpings. Dubstep plays as Rand Paul gets his lunch eaten by the 133rd richest man in the world. Money falls from the sky as a reporter gets the deportation treatment, a shopped in sniper rifle blasts the Univision employee and I realize that I've finally discovered something created by a person under the age of 30 that can be completely enjoyed, without any of the usual reservations. A quick Rosie O'Donnell diss and it's time for a title card. Let's go.

There's some CNN graphics for the second debate, while simulated narcotic use it also presented, I guess as some sort of ironic counterpoint. I'm getting "baked" but watching something that's nominally "serious." That's some solid commentary on our system, right there. 

There you go again.

Donald Trump introduces himself and describes his achievements and if it wasn't for another "raining money" effect it would be almost like a conventional political commercial, free of drug abuse, killer centipede references and catchy electronic dance music. No thanks, in other words. Fortunately, it's right back to bagging on Rand Paul and his low poll numbers. The Kentucky Senator who is often asked "Are you really still running for President?" offers a feeble counter, complaining about attacks on his appearance. Naturally this leads to height jokes and the old "I never attacked him, but easily could," feigned moral high ground. Rand Paul, officially stumped.

"I ain't votin' for no manlet!"

The narrator informs us it's now "Jeb Cuck Time" as if there was a single viewer who didn't know, and offers a chance to drop seventy-five Washingtons on the Jeb Guaca Bowl. Something tells me the person or persons behind this video prefer a very different kind of bowl. This somehow segues into a discussion of wealthy donors and how it impacts our political system and how the other Bush kid wouldn't let Trump open a casino in Florida, a charge the hotel owner denies. Both men then argue over this hypothetical gambling venture as if it were a key issue, culminating with some Grand Theft Auto graphics. 

Less than 5% in the polls, Game Over.

Despite this crushing victory, it's right back to more bickering and interruptions. The big payoff this time is Jeb gets called out on finally showing some energy, cue air horn, nuclear fall-out countdown, the sniper rifle and more "centipede" themed South London club music. Could these outrageous effects have made the Democrat debate watchable? Well, no, but the fact that I even considered the possibility is a testimony to the greatness unspooling itself here in "cuck time."

One final argument between Jeb and Trump reaches a critical moment when Florida Bush offers The Don a chance to apologize for some of his more controversial statements. If you can't predict the outcome of this offer you obviously weren't following the Presidential race this summer, possibly hitting a beach or being with loved ones or some other waste of time. Naturally, as the video puts it, the brother of W is "Blown the [fudge] out."

Believe it or not, there's more. A wild shill has appeared, complete with Pokemon music. Yes, it's that Jeb Bush staffer here to call out our next President on his failure to be a "Friend to woman (sic)." Already stumped by basic grammar, not looking good. It's hard to believe but this goofy nonsense was national news for a short while, before being tossed on the same pile as Trump is gonna give amnesty, someone said a racial slur at a Trump event, the hair might not be real, here's a made-up quote where Trump insults the American voter and all the other non-events that have slid off the teflon surface of a man who is, by the way, great on women's health.

Speaking of which, Trump mentions that he's great on women's health and also really good at getting tenses right when delivering spoken English. Our young lady plant isn't done though, demanding the same pay and the ability to control the body or something. Repeating these tired talking points earns some half-hearted "wooing" from the crowd and it looks bad for our hero. A song about "spooky skeletons" helps really emphasize the gravitas of the situation.

"You're gonna make the same if you do as good a job." Air horn, gun, oh my [fudging] God, dubstep, etc. I don't know what else I can say. Imagine the best possible orgasm, multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it.

Drug references, hashtags and gun violence, a potent combination.

We end with a possible Illuminati sighting and some Disney music, but by this point I was lying face down on the floor with a smile carved into my face that might need to be sand-blasted off.

You Can't Stump the Trump (Volume 4)

Komment Korner   

If I included all of the stumpings, the video would probably end up pushing the 15+ minute mark.

Yo im about to vote for Trump because of this.

Strong man who will work with Wladimir Putin to keep safe the world.

Literally the greatest man to ever live.

are you suggesting he cannot be stumped?


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.