Monday, October 30, 2017

Which Way Super Powers: The Doomsday Prophecy

I am darkness. I am the night. I am the gosh darn Batman! Well, not really, but through the miracle of a 1986 Which Way book the illusion is nearly seamless. Yes, in addition to creating lazy third-rate Choose Your Own Adventure knock-offs, the Which Way series also obtained a license to use DC Comics characters like that Super guy and the flying rodent ninja. I really can't overstate what a big deal this poorly written and generally work-shy series was in its day: Simon & Schuster as a publisher, major crossover marketing, huge sales, it was all there. This is why any sensible individual would set their time machine for the mid-eighties. In any case, The Dark Knight! I'm having trouble controlling my hype level, even with the "Which Way" logo right there, mocking me and ensuring this one will be disappointing, at best.

This is gonna be totally rad!

The first let-down happens almost immediately, with the book being written in the third person. Yes, instead of being the hero Gotham deserves I'll merely be directing his actions at critical points. I really can't stress how disappointing this is. "Kids won't actually wanna be The Bat," I imagine a bloated money man shouting at the author. "So write this in a different style than all the other Which Way books. Now, it's time for me to go swim in money." This is almost certainly what happened.

Anyways, Bat Man (not me, him, gah) is driving toward the Bat Symbol when it's replaced with a "DEATH'S HEAD." Yes, that's the original capitalization. It must be some kind of set-up, possibly leading to DOOM!!! This is probably the worst first page in any of these books, combining being forced into the role of a largely passive observer with the shouting text and awful plot hook. Stick to bad television reception as a motivator, Which Way.

Meanwhile, the illustration of the Batmobile suggests the goofy television show and not the dark brooding hero of the movies. This is going to hurt. A lot.

I instruct the former League of Shadows disciple to radio Commissioner Gordon to see what the trouble is. He tells us it's not a big deal and the signal is being fixed and sometimes you get random DEATH'S HEAD issues with giant lamps, it's really nothing. Instead, I need to go to Washington D.C. for a 4th of July celebration because nothing spells summer fun like the grim protector of a decadent and dying city shaking hands and officiating the three-legged-race. You can't really argue with this logic.

Mr. Batman goes to Washington.

Naturally, Batman is greeted by Fake News immediately upon arriving at the swamp on the Potomac. Specifically, The Riddler has promised "the end of Batman," now that he's done "hacking" the 1984 election, I guess. Time to rush over to the White House and protect The Gipper from the least intimidating villain ever.

Then there's riddles and the power goes out. If there had been a Timothy Nolan movie with the Riddler, this would have been the plot, I guarantee it. The last student of Ra's al Ghul then solves a riddle and rushes over to the U.S. Mint to stop a "heist." This is the dark, gritty and intelligent action that we were promised. Riddler and his goons are waiting and attempt to crush the nocturnal predator with a giant novelty coin. Yeah. Really.

Our secret weapon to defeat Mr. Brexit and the Catalon Crusader.

Using a grappling hook Batman is able to redirect the coin and it somehow bounces around and defeats Mr. Question Mark and his goons. It's then explained that the plan was to "destroy the economy" with a glut of worthless money, which sounds more like an evil scheme from Soros Man than Edward Nigma's fey alter-ego. All is well, though, because we saved our currency from being deliberately debased by powerful evil figures and I'm sure we'll never end up 20 trillion in debt or whatever now.

I'll use fiat currency against the caped clod!

This wasn't, you know, "good," or anything, but it was short and forgettable. Since this is the goal of every Which Way book, it has to be considered a success, at least on some level. Also, nothing that happened had anything to do with either "doomsday" or "prophecy," but I guess "The Prancing Federal Reserve Criminal" is a strictly inferior as a title choice, false advertisement notwithstanding.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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