Sunday, April 10, 2016

This Week in Legitimate Mainstream News from a Highly Credible Source

Lord President Trump Invades Canada, Allied Powers Declare War on America

This morning American panzer divisions crossed the Canadian frontier, laying waste to their pathetic wall-free border and striking deep into the poutine and hockey resources beyond. This is the latest in a string of fascist disasters since the election of the New York businessmen, and is expected to visit the same disaster and misery on you, the common loser person who must be spoon-fed correct opinions. What were you thinking when you elected this guy? Why did you ignore all the warnings from Soros and the Republican establishment and street criminals?

In a speech following the attack our Supreme Ruling Emperor, a man who was once declared "The Best Sex Ever" by a bikini model, called our soon to be subjugated northern neighbor "A total loser country, can't defend itself" and "low energy, total failure." In response, the forces of NATO have declared war on the GrossTrumpland, proving that it made sense to allow this bizarre Cold War relic to continue to exist for some reason.

Our unbiased ten-part examination, starting Monday.

Stock Market Crashes, Free Trade Disaster

Printing worthless money and allowing jobs to leave for foreign shores is simple good sense. Because of God King Trump this wise counsel was thrown out the window and now we're reaping the foul harvest. The Dow Jones Index opened at 34 and was somehow deep in the negatives by closing. This disaster left wealthy bastards slightly uncomfortable and will, presumably, impact you, the chattel serf. Why did you vote for this guy? If only a bunch of satirical articles in a formerly respected newspaper had been written but alas, that was not the case.

More Cold Weather, Trump Responsible

Winter sure is hanging around and it's obvious where to point the finger: a man from New York who owns numerous golf courses and as such caused irreparable damage to the climate of God's Green Earth. Trust me, folks, it's that darn Trump. Yup, you're darn tooting. It now appears likely that most of the planetary healing caused by the election of Obama has been undone and a second ice age and/or global warming meltdown is now inevitable. Why couldn't the Boston Onion raise the alarm eighteen months ago? Well, they didn't, we're screwed.  

I have a four year degree in journalism.

Your Favorite Sports Team Sucks

Looks like it's going to be a long year for your favorite sports team, a team that finds itself lacking talented veterans as well as promising young players. Instead, it's all scrubs. Lots of losing awaits, maybe even in the Big Game, and your guys won't even get a high draft pick because the Trump Sports Law gave all of those to whatever the New York team is. Unless that's your favorite team, then please pretend they're going to Omaha's squadron or whatever. Trump ruined it, vote for anyone else.


All of the following people died because of President Donald Trump...

EastAsia has always been our ally...

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

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